HTN Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I have been dating this girl for about a year. We basically love together because we're both in grad school so we go from class to studying all day every day. Well the beginning of our relationship was hell. She was constantly afraid of commitment because she told me she was still in love with her ex, wouldn't let us go out with people certain places because she was afraid of running into another ex, and worst texted/flirted inappropriate stuff with another guy in our program that she had "almost dated" instead of me. This included naked picture sending, etc even up to days before we officially got together but proceeded to flirt with him all the time. Once I found out a few months later we talked, she admitted there was inappropriate stuff(talk) going on with this guy and that she would stop talking to him all together. She deleted him from Facebook, stopped texting him etc. But about a month ago we got into a big fight where she said she was going to talk to whoever she wanted again, and I recently found out she had been using g-chat to talk to him all along anyway because it deletes your messages after you are done talking with someone. Well this morning I woke up and went to use her comp because I was staying at her place and her message with him was still open and undeleted and in it she was flirting with him pretty hard core including talking to him about the lingerie she had worn for me just the day before. Simple flirting and stuff I can handle, sometimes it comes with dating a pretty girl, but the fact that she's the one talking like that and talking with another guy who she had been attracted to about our sex life and describing herself in detail bothers me. They were also talking about me and how I wouldn't want them talking because it was inappropriate but then went to say more inappropriate stuff to each other because it was funny she would have to delete it all later. I also noticed she deleted her texts from him when he texts her and I'm around. Now I don't know how to bring it up without looking like I was snooping, but I'm literally disgusted by this. I have no idea how to bring it up or what to say. Has she crossed a line or is this normal for girls to do with their guys they keep around to flirt with? I think it might just seem worse to me because I just found out and I feel lied to because she promised me the first time before she stopped talking to him that they didn't talk about us or stuff we did in private. Thanks for any advise. Link to post Share on other sites
ConstantVoyager Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Couples make their own rules in terms of what crosses the line, but if this disgusts you and makes you feel bad then she needs to stop. I personally would dump her for this since this is not the first time you've had to talk to her about it. She may just have gotten into the relationship with you way too quickly after her last relationship. This doesn't excuse her behavior at all, but it does explain why she may feel the need for the outside validation. For any relationship that I'm in, this would definitely constitute cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Wow, this one sounds like nothing but trouble and endless drama. Do you like that sort of thing, OP? If not, understand that what she's given you so far is all she can offer you, and dump her. If you like the drama, though, proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HTN Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 Thanks for the quick responses. What I meant was that having dudes hit on your girlfriend can be common when dating someone attractive, not that I just expect to be disrespected. And normally I would ditch someone. But my concern is that it was just those couple of months in the beginning and we've been perfect for the last 7 months and this is the first I've heard of anything since then. The stuff before was mostly him hitting on her and her just ignoring it. This is the first time I know she responded all thought it is obviously bad. I don't mean to defend her I'm just trying to figure out if it's bad enough to not try and salvage. For reference I already packed up all my stuff and her place and bailed. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 As an attractive woman myself, I will tell you that men only hit on us as much or as often as we allow it to happen. It's pretty straight forward for a woman to draw her boundaries. And a woman who doesn't draw boundaries raises all kinds of red flags instead.. I have boundaries. So I get the occasional one-off, sure, where a stranger hits on me or say something flirtatious. There is a world of difference between that and the kind of stuff you're talking about; your GF is actively flirting with other dudes. Not okay in my book. But is it okay in yours? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 I don't want to sound like a downer but every girl I've ever been with has had inappropriate conversations via technology at one point or other in the relationship anAd all have lied about it. It's really created some trust issues for me with women. Not saying men don't do it too, but I don't date men so it doesn't affect me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 I am a pretty girl and I don't do that s-t when I am with someone. It doesn't just come with the territory and you shouldn't tolerate it. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 I have been dating this girl for about a year. We basically love together because we're both in grad school so we go from class to studying all day every day. Well the beginning of our relationship was hell. She was constantly afraid of commitment because she told me she was still in love with her ex, wouldn't let us go out with people certain places because she was afraid of running into another ex, and worst texted/flirted inappropriate stuff with another guy in our program that she had "almost dated" instead of me. This included naked picture sending, etc even up to days before we officially got together but proceeded to flirt with him all the time. Once I found out a few months later we talked, she admitted there was inappropriate stuff(talk) going on with this guy and that she would stop talking to him all together. She deleted him from Facebook, stopped texting him etc. But about a month ago we got into a big fight where she said she was going to talk to whoever she wanted again, and I recently found out she had been using g-chat to talk to him all along anyway because it deletes your messages after you are done talking with someone. Well this morning I woke up and went to use her comp because I was staying at her place and her message with him was still open and undeleted and in it she was flirting with him pretty hard core including talking to him about the lingerie she had worn for me just the day before. Simple flirting and stuff I can handle, sometimes it comes with dating a pretty girl, but the fact that she's the one talking like that and talking with another guy who she had been attracted to about our sex life and describing herself in detail bothers me. They were also talking about me and how I wouldn't want them talking because it was inappropriate but then went to say more inappropriate stuff to each other because it was funny she would have to delete it all later. I also noticed she deleted her texts from him when he texts her and I'm around. Now I don't know how to bring it up without looking like I was snooping, but I'm literally disgusted by this. I have no idea how to bring it up or what to say. Has she crossed a line or is this normal for girls to do with their guys they keep around to flirt with? I think it might just seem worse to me because I just found out and I feel lied to because she promised me the first time before she stopped talking to him that they didn't talk about us or stuff we did in private. Thanks for any advise. The only thing you really need to say to her is "goodbye"! Dating someone who needs that much outside attention shows how needy she is - one who will never stop needing attention from multiple men. Is it cheating? You bet it is - because she hides her truth knowing you wouldn't like what she's actually doing. She's participating in a manner that's completely inappropriate for a gal that pretends to be with you! It doesn't matter if she hasn't done it for a while - she's doing it now! I'm no prude - but what she's doing gives gals a bad name! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 Well the beginning of our relationship was hell. She was constantly afraid of commitment because she told me she was still in love with her ex, wouldn't let us go out with people certain places because she was afraid of running into another ex, and worst texted/flirted inappropriate stuff with another guy in our program that she had "almost dated" instead of me. So you thought it a good idea to still pursue the relationship even after this at the outset? When someone shows you who they are, please believe them. She literally gave you Cliffs Notes on how you were going to be treated but perhaps you did not care? Maybe she is too good looking for you to not to have seen it flew in the face of common sense to go a step further? At least as you said in your other post you bailed....for now. You should have done that a long time ago. There are plenty of women out there in the world that are equally as good looking and probably in graduate school somewhere who will not treat you like she has. Do not even feel bad about what you call "snooping". You were not invading her privacy, you invaded her secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinozzo925 Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 I have been dating this girl for about a year. We basically love together because we're both in grad school so we go from class to studying all day every day. Well the beginning of our relationship was hell. She was constantly afraid of commitment because she told me she was still in love with her ex, wouldn't let us go out with people certain places because she was afraid of running into another ex, and worst texted/flirted inappropriate stuff with another guy in our program that she had "almost dated" instead of me. This included naked picture sending, etc even up to days before we officially got together but proceeded to flirt with him all the time. Once I found out a few months later we talked, she admitted there was inappropriate stuff(talk) going on with this guy and that she would stop talking to him all together. She deleted him from Facebook, stopped texting him etc. But about a month ago we got into a big fight where she said she was going to talk to whoever she wanted again, and I recently found out she had been using g-chat to talk to him all along anyway because it deletes your messages after you are done talking with someone. Well this morning I woke up and went to use her comp because I was staying at her place and her message with him was still open and undeleted and in it she was flirting with him pretty hard core including talking to him about the lingerie she had worn for me just the day before. Simple flirting and stuff I can handle, sometimes it comes with dating a pretty girl, but the fact that she's the one talking like that and talking with another guy who she had been attracted to about our sex life and describing herself in detail bothers me. They were also talking about me and how I wouldn't want them talking because it was inappropriate but then went to say more inappropriate stuff to each other because it was funny she would have to delete it all later. I also noticed she deleted her texts from him when he texts her and I'm around. Now I don't know how to bring it up without looking like I was snooping, but I'm literally disgusted by this. I have no idea how to bring it up or what to say. Has she crossed a line or is this normal for girls to do with their guys they keep around to flirt with? I think it might just seem worse to me because I just found out and I feel lied to because she promised me the first time before she stopped talking to him that they didn't talk about us or stuff we did in private. Thanks for any advise. Woah woah woah, My girl right now never flirts with other guys and tells me immediately when another guy hits on her. She is hot as hell. Run dude, RUN 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emva07 Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 this girl is disrespecting you so bad and doesn't even care. And if you have to ask if she is crossing the line or not and then try to justify her behavior as it being nothing, etc etc, it seems that you're the one with the problem. Your tolerance of her behavior is obvious to her, so she is not going to change, she is beyond the point of caring. You let her cross the line a LONG time ago and now there is no going back. The respect is lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 If she wasn't doing anything inappropriate, then why did she say in her IM conversation with this dude; that she has to make sure she deletes this conversation? BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IT'S WRONG! When the person you're with has to hide crap in your relationship, then there's a problem. There is no such thing as harmless flirting. Someone always gets hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
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