Meaning of love

[Rose]

Currently, I live with my boyfriend and we have been dating for 10 months. For the past few months we have seriously been talking about our future i.e getting married, buying a house, etc. We've even discussed how many kids we want. Here is my problem. Money. My parents have passed away, therefore, I have no one to pay for a wedding. He says he is planning on spending a large amount (over 10K) on my ring and on our honeymoon, and that he cannot afford to spend anymore on the wedding. He say we should forgo the wedding and get married like on a cruise, so we have the ceromony and honeymoon in one. I never liked the idea of having friends and family spend their monet on a forced vacation just to attend our wedding. Everygirl dreams of wearing a white dress and walking down the aisle. I know that we can have a small ceremony for aounrd 15K. I thoroughly plan on contributing and making sacrifices, but it's like he doesn't even seem to care about how important that is to me. My point is, why do we have to discuss whether we can afford a wedding or what amount he is going to spend on a ring or honeymoon? Don't two people fall in love and want to share the rest of their lives together the main point. And the money / wedding thing a minor detail? We are by no means poor, but don't poor people even get married???? confused.

[Ed]

Yes, poor people go to the Justice of Peace and slip him $25 for performing his legalese. Then they go spend the night at the local Best Western Motel (if they're lucky).

 

Are you trying to say you don't want a $10,000 wedding ring and $15,000 honeymoon. I mean it's OK if you don't. That's not my point.

 

It sounds to me like you are saying (without saying it), "I want a traditional wedding ceremony, while spending less on the ring and the honeymoon."

 

Am I right?

 

If I am right, have you tried to just come out and say that to your fiance?

[Rose]

Yes, poor people go to the Justice of Peace and slip him $25 for performing his legalese. Then they go spend the night at the local Best Western Motel (if they're lucky). Are you trying to say you don't want a $10,000 wedding ring and $15,000 honeymoon. I mean it's OK if you don't. That's not my point. It sounds to me like you are saying (without saying it), "I want a traditional wedding ceremony, while spending less on the ring and the honeymoon." Am I right? If I am right, have you tried to just come out and say that to your fiance?

Ed - I feel like he is saying "I got the ring and honey covered and look how much I'm spending. I've done my share. Now, if you want a traditional wedding - you come up with the funds." Rose.

[Tony T]

Ed has made some excellent points.

 

No, the money for things is not a minor detail. Marriage is all about love...but it's a business as well. Your's will be Mr. and Mrs. Rose XXXXXX Incorporated. Much of what you do outside the realm of your feelings for each other will be about business...the business of running a house: repairs; utility bills; groceries; lawn maintenance; pest control; plumbing; electrical and heating/AC maintenance; property taxes; insurance; etc., etc. There is also the business of maintaining cars, gas, insurance, maintenace. Then there's medical bills, health insurance, entertainment, etc.

 

If the two of you can't get it together now on the finances, you will have major troubles later. Managing money can be the difference between a wonderful partnership and a divorce. Financial problems are right up there as a reason why couples split, probably higher up than adultery, incompatibility, or the Internet.

 

If you go to a wholesale jeweler, you can get an excellent ring for $3,500 or less...one that would cost more than twice that at a retail jewelry store. I know it will mean a great deal to you because this ring represents love, not money, and will come from his heart. You can have a honeymoon for even less. You can fly almost anywhere in the U.S. if you book ahead for $400 each round trip. The best hotels are $150 per night. Figure $150 per day for gourmet food. A two week honeymoon could be very inexpensive...and you could go on another in a few years when you have more cash.

 

A very nice ceremony in a church could be budgeted for under $5,000...if you do it right...limit the number of bridesmaids...and shop around for a caterer or have a group of your lady friends prepare the food. Most large churches have large reception rooms you can use free and a great DJ with hundreds of great tunes is about $250 for four hours.

 

You can probably find a photographer friend to take the wedding pictures at cost. If not, cut a deal with a photographer where you can make an initial purchase and buy additional prints as you can afford them.

 

Hey, a wedding is real nice...but it's over, that's O-V-E-R, in less than four hours. After that, it's HISTORY. The service can be from 15 minutes or about an hour in a Catholic or Greek Orthodox Church. Half the people who attend the reception will leave within an hour, even if you hire the remaining Beatles to play. Nobody will care whether you have a band, a DJ. Many won't even care if there's music at all if the company is nice.

 

If you start your life off together trying to impress other people, you will hurt your lives terribly as time goes on. Living within your means will asssure the success of your love and your lives together.

 

Like Ed said, poor people do get married...and it costs them $25 bucks or so for a tip to the Justice of the Peace or a Notary Public. And they are among the happiest people in the universe because they have no big bills to pay each month and they aren't worried about impressing anyone. The crazy thought that you need to...or can actually...impress other people is insane. Whether your wedding costs $500 or $50,000, it will not be a topic of conversation two days later. It will be just you and your husband...and the bills.

 

Now, to your questions:

 

1. "My point is, why do we have to discuss whether we can afford a wedding or what amount he is going to spend on a ring or honeymoon?"

 

Because the two of you are about to start a very serious business. A business that begins undercapitalized will go bankrupt very quickly. Look at the business section of your paper every day. And a good portion of the divorces recorded at the county courthouse are basically emotional bankruptcies brought on by financial set backs, problems and stresses.

 

You better believe you gotta talk about this. And you better get used to talking about all other financial aspects of your coming marriage if you want it to succeed. A conservative approach in the longrun will pay off big dividends.

 

2. "Don't two people fall in love and want to share the rest of their lives together the main point."

 

That't the only point. And that's why you don't want to come out of the starting gate in the financial red. Do this right, live within your means and your budget starting from the very beginning, and your lives together will be heavenly!!!

 

3. "And the money / wedding thing a minor detail?"

 

No, this is not a minor detail, neither the event nor the money it will cost. We are talking some major dollars here. Money doesn't grow on trees. Even Bill Gates, the richest man in the world, pays great respect when he finds a penny on the floor. If you think it's such a minor detail, why are you wanting to spend so much money...and why would you be so concerned.

 

4. "We are by no means poor, but don't poor people even get married????"

 

Already answered that above. But, get this in your head. Marriage DOES NOT take place in a church, or in an outdoor ceremony. Marriage is the joining of two hearts in a loving bond that cannot be broken..."let no man put assunder." Marriage cannot be purchased. It is the joining of two souls in a spiritual way that most of us will never comprehend.

 

So, when two people are joined at the heart and the soul, they are indeed already married...they don't even need a ceremony or a minister to pronounce them as such. Yes, the ceremony is only an outward showing of what has already taken place in the hearts of two people. And they don't need a lot of cash to convince others they are married. They already know it in their hearts.

 

God Bless You!!!

[Tony T]

YOU WROTE: "Ed - I feel like he is saying "I got the ring and honey covered and look how much I'm spending. I've done my share. Now, if you want a traditional wedding - you come up with the funds." Rose.

 

Well, Rose, that's sort of the way it is sometimes. You may have had dreams of a traditional wedding all your life...and many men want that too, but they with women's lib and equality and all that, they sort of expect the freight to be shared. So, yes, I really don't think it's out of order for him to feel you should come up with the funds for what you want.

 

I truly understand your position as well. Your parents have passed on and you aren't flush with cash for a wedding. I really hope you will consider getting married in the most economical way now...and saving the high ticket nuptual for a later date when both of you have the money to afford it. Have a small but nice reception for your friends. They will love it...and will understand. Your relatives will look forward to the big ceremony. And you will be able to relax, look forward to your big ceremony, and not have a lot of financial worries.

 

I really don't see why you should throw all the financial burden over at your guy. If you press him too hard, he may just get second thoughts about this whole thing. It's not fair to put this whole thing on him...not fair at all.

[Ed]

4. "We are by no means poor, but don't

poor people even get married????" Already answered that above. But, get this in your head. Marriage DOES NOT take place in a church, or in an outdoor ceremony. Marriage is the joining of two hearts in a loving bond that cannot be broken..."let no man put assunder." Marriage cannot be purchased. It is the joining of two souls in a spiritual way that most of us will never comprehend. So, when two people are joined at the heart and the soul, they are indeed already married...they don't even need a ceremony or a minister to pronounce them as such. Yes, the ceremony is only an outward showing of what has already taken place in the hearts of two people. And they don't need a lot of cash to convince others they are married. They already know it in their hearts. God Bless You!!!

AMEN BROTHER!

 

Tony, you get a lot of compliments on this board (and other stuff too). But you've out-done yourself on these last two paragraphs. Well written my friend (if I may be so bold).

[catt]

hi there. actually, it's not every girl's dream to walk down the aisle in a white dress. i know a number of people, myself included, who just cringe at the idea. perhaps he can't fully understand your need for a traditional wedding because he, too, is not interested in a big ceremony, etc.

 

you wrote " Don't two people fall in love and want to share the rest of their lives together the main point. And the money / wedding thing a minor detail?" yes, WANTING to spend the rest of your lives together IS the main point. Wanting a traditional ceremony may not be important to him at all. perhaps he thinks the wedding IS a minor detail?

 

i think you should cut him some slack and sit down and make some compromises. maybe you could go off and get married on a cruise, by yourselves, and then come back and have a nice reception? i think that a wedding doesn't have to be traditional to be beautiful and meaningful. it's what the two of you feel for one another that is the key.

 

best of luck