Should I leave my fiance?

[ShouldIGo]

Here's the deal, I've been with my fiance now for 3 years and 8 months, and we've known each other far longer than that. We've been engaged now for 8 months. Lately things haven't been so great, and I'm thinking of leaving her. She hasn't done anything to me, it's just not fun anymore. There's no passion, no 'fire' in our relationship. I feel like we're getting to be old and married and we're only 23!

 

She's not as adventurous as I in or out of bed, not as open minded, and a bit more timid. After finding a batch of emails I had sent online she thought I was cheating, though it never went beyond emails. Why did I send them in the first place? I guess I was curious to see what else is out there. I feel my life is just getting started and my twenties are going to be spent at home with her watching TV.

 

Now we have lots in common, like everything in common really, and when things are good they're great. She is sweet, gorgeous, loving, etc... I'm just worried that because she is so gorgeous that I'm thinking in my pants. It's like I'll be mad at her and then after 30 minutes being around her I just kind of melt sometimes. Even after all this time she can stun me - she's really unusually good looking.

 

So when I try and step out and not think of her physically and just go emotional, she is great in that she's supportive and caring and always there. It's just that she is a terrible communicator (she's quick to verbally attack and gets either mad or sad at the first sign of any criticism), and hard to deal with in that when we make up she says, "I need some time to be ready to love you again." or some other line. Problem is when I make up I want to make up, not be on probation. Usually our newfound peace doesn't make it though this probationary period, resulting in her saying "See! I knew you'd do it again." and leaving me hurt because it feels like she doesn't really want me.

 

So if I leave her there's all the trouble of finding a new place, missing the holidays to move, etc. We also have a dog together given to me by my family that she wants to keep. Most of the 'stuff' in the house is mine, but by taking it all I worry about leaving her with basically a bed and a computer, nothing else. Also I'm not sure she can handle life on her own (we live 2000 miles from home, just us). I'd feel almost guilty for leaving her. And I'm not sure it's what I really want to do.

 

Logic says go, but feelings say stay. I just don't know if we're hanging on to something that's already gone.

 

--Worried

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ShouldIGo

 

Logic says go, but feelings say stay. I just don't know if we're hanging on to something that's already gone.

 

--Worried

 

 

here is what you do....23 is WAAAAAAAY too young to get married. Is say break the engagement for now but say together and then see what happens.

 

It seems to me that the engagement has put some undue stress on your relationship. Back-track a little and take it from there.

 

What ever you do don't get married just yet, maybe in 2 or 3 yrs if you're both still together.

[rtobiejr]

Originally posted by alphamale

here is what you do....23 is WAAAAAAAY too young to get married. Is say break the engagement for now but say together and then see what happens.

 

It seems to me that the engagement has put some undue stress on your relationship. Back-track a little and take it from there.

 

What ever you do don't get married just yet, maybe in 2 or 3 yrs if you're both still together.

 

I don't think 23 is too young to get married. I'm 22 and engaged and I'm always surprised how many people want to say "but you're so young!". So, at 22 it's healthy and normal for me to have sex, maybe have a child or two, go out to the club and sleep with strangers-- but for me to meet someone, get to know him as a friend and then, after a long courtship, decide to marry him-- that's somehow wrong?

 

At 23, many people already made many very important decisions--choices that have implications for oneself and others as well. So, to me, a person who is 23 could very well be ready for marriage.

 

 

In this instance, I do not think the original poster is ready to get married-- because of serious doubts-- not because he is 23 years of age.

 

Marriage requires a wholesouled committment-- not just now you want to, now you don't-- and if someone does not feel that they can honor such a commitment (be they 18 or 81), they ought to refrain from making any vows to that effect.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by rtobiejr

I don't think 23 is too young to get married. I'm 22 and engaged and I'm always surprised how many people want to say "but you're so young!".

 

At 23, many people already made many very important decisions--choices that have implications for oneself and others as well. So, to me, a person who is 23 could very well be ready for marriage.

 

 

Well rtobiejr:

 

Maybe 50 yrs ago the avg 23 yr old was mature enuf to get married but not today. At 23 most people know extremely (and i stress extremely) little about themselves or the world around them. Everyone who is 23 thinks they know everything. Actually the know nothing. In 10 or 15 yrs you will be a different person, i guarantee you this.

 

When you are 35 you will laugh at the statement you just made.

[Matilda]

I agree with alphamale (surprise, surprise ). Those of us who are older know that in your early 20's you are still discovering who you are. I think some people who marry young get lucky and stay married, but statistics show that getting married young is risky.

 

http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml

Percentage of people that married under the age of 20 who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 40%

Percentage of people that married over the age of 25 who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 24%

[rtobiejr]

Originally posted by alphamale

Well rtobiejr:

 

Maybe 50 yrs ago the avg 23 yr old was mature enuf to get married but not today. At 23 most people know extremely (and i stress extremely) little about themselves or the world around them. Everyone who is 23 thinks they know everything. Actually the know nothing. In 10 or 15 yrs you will be a different person, i guarantee you this.

 

When you are 35 you will laugh at the statement you just made.

 

It goes without saying that I will be a different person in 10 or 15 years.

 

At no time did I assert that I have knowledge of everything-- and a statement such as the one you just made ("Everyone who is 23 thinks they know everything. Actually the (they, I assume) know nothing."), seems to suggest to me that you are the one whose perception is so skewed as to believe that you have knowledge of what each and every 23 year old thinks and knows.

 

I'm quite sure there are 23-year-olds who are more exposed, more intelligent, more capable, and (gasp) more mature than you are--at 39.

 

Society would seem to side with me in believing that 23 year olds are capable of making important decisions such as whether to get married for themselves. That is why parents don't need to sign for a 23 year old to get married-- but they must give consent for a 16 year old.

 

I just will never buy the 'you're too young to get married' line of reasoning. It's a fallacious argument unless the person getting married is 5 years old.

 

Maturity is not a thing that is restricted to 39 year olds. I think you are a wonderful case study of how this is so.

[rtobiejr]

Originally posted by Matilda

I agree with alphamale (surprise, surprise ). Those of us who are older know that in your early 20's you are still discovering who you are. I think some people who marry young get lucky and stay married, but statistics show that getting married young is risky.

 

http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml

 

We're talking about the under 25 age group-- not the under 20 age group. So your statistic nicely illustrates my point.

 

Wow, Matilda, I wish someone like you had been opposing counsel in moot court yesterday !

[Matilda]

We're talking about the under 25 age group-- not the under 20 age group. So your statistic nicely illustrates my point.

 

No it doesn't. If you look the under 20 group is at 40%, and the over 25 group is at 24%.

[rtobiejr]

Originally posted by Matilda

No it doesn't. If you look the under 20 group is at 40%, and the over 25 group is at 24%.

 

Now your statistics don't relate at all. We are discussing the age group in their early 20s-- not 19 year olds, and not 26 year olds.

 

So what am I supposed to get from these statistics again?

 

Your chances of staying married if you live the in the United States are still 1 in 2-- or 50%.

 

I wasnt a statistics major, but I dont suppose the majority of married people in the US are under 25, do you?

[Adunaphel]

Sounds like leaving you'd do a favour both to yourself and your fiance.

 

 

I'd feel almost guilty for leaving her.

 

Don't feel guilty. It's better to be on your own than wasting your time with a guy who's emailing other women behind your back "to see what else is out there" and does not think you are fun anymore.

 

So if I leave her there's all the trouble of finding a new place, missing the holidays to move, etc.

 

If you already know she's not the right person for you and you know you'll eventually leave her, don't procrastinate so you won't miss the holidays. It would be selfish....and it would be robbery. You'd be stealing from her precious time she might use to find the right person.

 

If you haven't made up your mind yet, take some time to think seriously about it ... concentrate on your relationship instead of looking for other women!

 

You said there is not passion nor fire in your relationship..... *both* partners have to fuel that fire and to keep that passion alive!

You have to work on it,

it's not like the passion comes and goes on its own, and all you have to do is enjoying it while it's there and look around for a replacement for your partner when it's going!

[alicia24]

honey i just went through all this. I had the dog and everything. Even if you feel it is the right thing to do, prepare yourself for a tremendous amount of pain and heartache and many sleepless nights and missed meals. But in the back of your mind you need to remind yourself that you did this for the right reasons. My ex fiance had a gambling problem and spent all of our money and always put himself before everything. Its was so hard and i missed him so much, but i knew it was the right thing and i knew i was a better person for not allowing myself a life full of unhappiness. Good luck

[ShouldIGo]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

Regarding maturity, I feel I'm quite mature for my age. In my short years I've overcome drug addiction, built up a solid career alone and with no college degree (like better than many several years older than me with degrees), went through college on my own, moved 2000 miles away from home alone (well, with the current fiance, but no family or friends), learned to live on my own, dealt with the death of my brother, uncle, grandpa, and dog all in a single 12 month span, I've been working since I was 15, and the list goes on. I didn't grow up sheltered.

 

As for 23 year olds in the past being more mature than today I think that's a fallacy. The ones today are far more educated and mature, but so innundated with choices that it's hard to know what's right. In the 50's the choices for a 23 year old girl were 1) marriage or 2) shame. For a man you can add 3) work. That's not maturity, that's following the status quo.

 

--ShouldIGo

[Matilda]

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=363986

Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States

 

--------------------------------------------------

Age Women Men

--------------------------------------------------

Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%

20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%

25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%

30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%

35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%

 

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/95facts/fs_439s.htm

 

The largest proportion of divorces were granted to men and women who had married between the ages of 20-24 years. First-time male divorcees on average were 24 years of age when they married; for women, the average age was 22 years.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Alpha too...But the thing is here, these days most can't afford to buy a house or get married at 23! Unless you have a wonderful job and maybe have $$ put away (but probl. not at that age as one is paying off University depts etc...) then it is just hard to do. I"m not saying you have to live in a huge house and all, but these days most I know get married in their mid 20's or late 20's.

 

Maybe some time apart would help. No fire at the stage of your relationship is not a good thing.

[FolderWife]

I don't think this is a discussion of whether or not you are MATURE enough for marriage, but rather whether or not you personally are ready. Since you've cyber cheated on her, and you're thinking about leaving her, but you're not sure, just flat out tell her that you're not ready to be "engaged" but you still love and want her.

 

While I don't condone living together, unless you're married, I definately don't condone getting married unless you're 100% sure that's what you want to do.

 

I agree with alpha on this one. Why should it be all or nothing? Just have the 'title' of engagement as just that....a title. Continue to be together, but don't break up. I'd hate for you to throw 3+ years down the drain because of simply not being sure.

 

The problem is she puts you on probation? In other words, YOU HURT HER, AND SHE NEEDS TIME TO GET OVER IT!

 

My husband can fly off the handle, and scream at me for stupidly burning the chicken. Well, fifteen minutes later, he's over the chicken incident, but I'm NOT over the being called stupid incident. So even though he wants to make up after 15 minutes, and apologizes for calling me stupid, I'm still hurt. I'll accept his apology, but pain takes a little time to go away. Say....three hours. Well, if he's frustrated because he's ready to jump in bed and make up, and I'm still hurt, he's probably going to do something else to hurt me, which is MAJOR when you're already hurt, and have your guard up, and are expecting it...and that will take at least six hours, plus your origional three hours, so you might as well give it up for the night.

 

in other words, if you'd stop being such a jerk, you wouldn't be on "probation".

 

One problem solved....the other problem is....ah yes, she isn't as outgoing as you. I would consider that a good thing, since you've already cyber cheated on her.....which means she'd be less likely to cheat on you, right?

 

You aren't ready to SETTLE DOWN. She probably is. Ask her if she's willing to put off marriage for about...oh say....three years, and if she is, then see if you can hold out, and if not, go from there....maybe see if she'll wait one year.

 

Tell her flat out that you aren't ready to spend the rest of your life watching TV every night.

 

But I gotta wonder....if you're already living together, what's the difference between that and marriage?

[FolderWife]

Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States

 

--------------------------------------------------

Age Women Men

--------------------------------------------------

Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%

20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%

25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%

30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%

35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%

 

Can I be frank.....ok, lets say the average person lives to....70.

 

Anyone under 20 years old had 50 years to make it in a marriage. Anyone over 35 only has 35 years to make it in a marriage....OF COURSE THERE'S A GREATER CHANCE OF A DIVORCE, IF YOU HAVE FIFTEEN MORE YEARS TO TRY AND BE MARRIED IN!!!!!

 

Maybe it doesn't have so much to do with maturity, and more to do with the amount of TIME expected to be married.

 

I mean.......my friend got married early 20s. She's early fourties now, and is getting divorced....23 years of marriage. It had nothing to do with immaturity, and everything to do with growing apart over time.

[head/heels]

anything with her....both of you read....men are from mars women are from venus...

 

i know that it sounds cliche and all but i swear it is so amazing how well it catagorizes things that are going on in your relationship

 

you know when she says " i need time to come back to loving you again" ? you say it is crap (i think that is how you implied it) and that you just want it to be the same as before....well in the book it explains this difference and she is telling the truth!

 

so dont go ruining your life as you will always find someone better if you look long enough...but you will have problems with them too...then what...run again to someone else>>??? grow up and be a man and work out your problems and insecurities with her and then if it doesnt work then get out....you seem to want to quit at the drop of a hat!

 

read book....both of you...then decide...tell her about why you want her to read the book.. and be honest!

[Debster]

Here's the deal, I've been with my fiance now for 3 years and 8 months, and we've known each other far longer than that. We've been engaged now for 8 months. Lately things haven't been so great, and I'm thinking of leaving her. She hasn't done anything to me, it's just not fun anymore. There's no passion, no 'fire' in our relationship. I feel like we're getting to be old and married and we're only 23!

 

Yikes, if you are already thinking of throwing in the towel now because it's not fun anymore, than definitely do not get married. Life is not fun when you are dealing with paying bills, crying kids, inlaws, mortgages and all the other crap that comes along in life. That is when you realize that your partner is what helps you get through it. The fact that you don't feel that way tells me that this is not the relationship for you.

 

I'm not going to get into the age thing as I do know some people who are very young and very mature and very old and immature.

[Azeele]

Originally posted by ShouldIGo

Here's the deal, I've been with my fiance now for 3 years and 8 months, and we've known each other far longer than that. We've been engaged now for 8 months. Lately things haven't been so great, and I'm thinking of leaving her. She hasn't done anything to me, it's just not fun anymore. There's no passion, no 'fire' in our relationship. I feel like we're getting to be old and married and we're only 23!

 

 

 

If you are only staying with her when you are having a good time - when things are "fun" - then you need to do her a favor and leave now. She needs to find someone better than you - someone that will stay with her even if it's not "fun" anymore. Like the previous poster said, it's not going to always be fun.

[alexis]

i just left a man i was supposed to marry after three years, just picked up and walked out the door with my clothes and my computer. now i am so happy. the same things started happening with us, not feeling close he started not coming home, and the money started disappearing and i was being blamed. but i was the main source of income and paid all the bills. then after i left i starting investigating and the whole time we were having problems he was seeing a girl i thought was just an anquaintance, and i called my cell phone one day thinking it was turned off and she ansewered acting like she just replaced me and she didnt even care that she broke up my relationship. so all in all when you are together and you dont get along it is for a reason, some reason. and i feel so much better now than i ever did and have moved on to a man who treats me like a queen, sometimes relationships are learning processes and it feels like you should be together forever but its not that way. when you find true true love it will hit you and youll realize your feelings for her were love but not permanent love. if you feel in your heart its the best thing for you do it only you can make that decision. but be sure and dont look back.

[mental_traveller]

"Here's the deal, I've been with my fiance now for 3 years and 8 months, and we've known each other far longer than that. We've been engaged now for 8 months. Lately things haven't been so great, and I'm thinking of leaving her. She hasn't done anything to me, it's just not fun anymore. There's no passion, no 'fire' in our relationship. I feel like we're getting to be old and married and we're only 23! "

 

You've answered your own question. If the relationship lacks passion now, what will it be like in 5 years time, let alone in 20 years when you are getting old and have teenage kids? It will be a living hell for you both, and will end in painful divorce, adultery, or worse, with suffering for everyone concerned.

 

My advice is *never* consider marriage with anyone who does not rock your world every single day. It really is that simple - if you have *any* doubts at all, then you have no business being married. You probably haven't met the "one" yet, which is why you are tempted to "settle". Settling is always a terrible mistake, don't do it.