Feeling lost (Long)

[ForeverHopeful1]

Hi LS'ers!

 

I am not sure where to start. H and I have been together for 10 years in February 2014, married for 3 years. We have a home, a cat (had two brothers but one passed away in August at 7.) He had a heart murmur and an enlarged heart. He also suffered from seizures from 3.5 to 7 years old, when he died. He collapsed in front of me and died. It was quiet traumatic. My animals are my children. Not by choice!

 

TMI Alert!! We have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years. I have PCOS and do not ovulate on my own and have very long cycles. So we have tried all oral meds, at all doses, including higher-than-normal doses and nothing has worked. If I am not pregnant now, we are moving to injection medications to help us conceive. If that doesn't work, IVF. I am horrified by this. I hate that everyone but me can conceive.

 

I have lately felt very lost in my relationship. I love my husband. When I look at him, my heart melts. He really is my love and I care deeply for him. He has slowed down on sex, and I think what bothers me most is that he just doesn't touch me much at all anymore. I have told him I feel horrible about this, and don't like to have to initiate sex all the time, when WE have both decided for 2 years to try. He asked me to mark days in the calendar, which I have never done because I didn't want things to be like that and felt it was a weird reminder. I mean, why do you need to be reminded to have sex with me? I have cried to him, I have spoken softly and calmly, I have been mad, angry, upset... you name it. He KNOWS how I feel. If you asked him what my problems were, he would be able to tell you. I have communicated. He does not initiate sex, or touching of any kind.

 

He just isn't interested. He comes home and lays in bed because he is in pain. I feel miserable right along with him and I do feel bad. I don't have an injury and I don't want to lay in bed. It is killing us. I wish Dr's were more helpful.

 

I just got a new job recently and I am home about 2 hours earlier and nowhere near as exhausted these days, which has been nice. We have had more dinner meals together. It isn't all bad. I feel bad for both of us though. I am feeling very neglected and because he didn't injure himself and was hurt due to someone else's mistake, I feel like Im not even allowed to feel this way. The truth of the matter is, I am feeling very neglected.

 

He doesn't touch me below the neck for fear of turning me on, because he doesn't want to tease me when he is in pain. Unfortunately, he is now in pain all the time. Work is hard on him. I get that. I understand more than anyone else in his life. I am having a hard time with it, as time goes on and as his doses of medication gets higher. Since he changed medications from Perc's to Oxy's he has become a different person. He has even started a higher dose, about 4 months ago. He is on heavier drugs, but his pain is worse? I don't get it. Something has GOT to give. He has accused me of cheating on him and become more paranoid. I need some support and words of wisdom guys!!! I don't know what to do. I am not cheating and have never cheated. Neither has he to my knowledge. One thing he said about 2 weeks before that was that "often the one accusing the other of cheating, was in fact the one cheating." 2 weeks after saying that, he accused me of being with someone else. I have just stopped initiating sex too. I don't bother because I am so hurt when he turns me down that I turn into an emotional wreck.=. It just isn't worth being turned down for the millionth time.

 

One thing that does upset me is his incessant need to remain injured forever and allow this to rule his life. He is becoming his injury. I hope that makes sense? He has convinced himself there is nothing else we can do for the pain, (cortisone shots and/or surgery is up for debate right now between his Drs.) He refuses to get the cortisone shots. Maybe he needs more time to warm up to it. I cant say I would be overly excited to get needles in my spine, and the times that I have, I was not awake for it. I have scoliosis and have had 2 spinal taps in my life - to rule out meningitis both times, once when I was 1 year old and once at 29 (June of this year.)

 

We have had issues in the past with drugs and partying. I don't feel like he ever strayed or cheated, but I could not trust him to come home or call when he said he would. I still have those fears when he goes out, even though he has behaved for years. Lol. He has been on pain medication half a decade now! His Dr did not get him into a pain clinic soon enough. He has just started seeing someone at this clinic after years of trying to get his Dr to do something. He just Rx's meds. That's his solution. My husband needs to work, even just a little bit as I cannot pay for the house he wanted, on my own. I say it like that because I was not ready for a home, or a mortgage. Our mortgage was twice was we paid in rent and we were not rolling in doe. It was a bad choice for us at that time, not later down the road. Neither of us were ready. It brought us a lot of stress and turmoil. I have unfortunately gone along with a lot and put up with a lot. I do love him, but I feel like running away sometimes.

 

I don't know if I am depressed or not. I certainly don't feel great most of the time. I am sad this is what my life is right now. I am sad that after 2 years of trying, my husband doesn't want to have sex with me or touch me because "his back hurts." I often wonder if it is actually me he doesn't want as that is how I am treated a lot of the time these days. I am sad that we may not have children. I want to be a mom so badly and have a family with my H. I have had the pleasure of making that decision for 2 years, month after month. There is no doubt I want that, but I doubt him as his words do not match his actions.

 

I don't know whether I need to stay, or move on. We have tried counselling but never made it past appointment 3 because he didn't like something about the woman/man we spoke with.

 

Any questions you have, you can ask. Please be kind to me. I am sorry if my feelings hurt anyones feelings.

 

I think I just need support and advice. Maybe someone here can help.

[Raena]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know from personal experience that just getting it all out and putting it out there for others to see can be difficult to do and cathartic at the same time.

 

That being said, it sounds to me like the first order of business is to get your hubby feeling better. Is there anything more that can be done to help him with reducing the pain medications while still managing the pain?

 

It seems to me that as long as he is in pain and miserable, it will continue to affect your marriage. That may be stating the obvious but you mentioned some other concerns as well. IMO is looks like this needs to be dealt with first before moving on to deal with intimacy and conception difficulties.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know from personal experience that just getting it all out and putting it out there for others to see can be difficult to do and cathartic at the same time.

 

That being said, it sounds to me like the first order of business is to get your hubby feeling better. Is there anything more that can be done to help him with reducing the pain medications while still managing the pain?

 

It seems to me that as long as he is in pain and miserable, it will continue to affect your marriage. That may be stating the obvious but you mentioned some other concerns as well. IMO is looks like this needs to be dealt with first before moving on to deal with intimacy and conception difficulties.

 

Thank you so much for your response. The problem is, he is unwilling to get the treatment the Drs want to give him and continues to accept that "he will be in pain forever" and says he wants surgery, but of course we both worry about that too.

 

We have been having success lately with his health care, however, his back has gotten worse over the years. I feel he is standing in his own way. It is really in the last year, (after we had already started trying.) Before this, we had sex a few times a week, which would be fine. We have gone weeks without sex and Im becoming a horny mess on top of it all. Just miserable and sexually charged. He doesn't even need to have sex with me to please me, which is what makes me upset. Its not like he HAS to hurt his back.

 

I have suggested we wait to try to conceive because he is incapable of committing to baby making sex. He said no, that is not what he wants. He wants to try. I have fertility issues and we have a large window when we take these drugs so we have to focus our attention on a larger window of time. He tells me no, and says he wants a baby and wants to try, and then it comes time to try (after I have taken fertility drugs to ovulate that give me hot flashes and headaches - now being on these drugs for months, I am growing exhausted of him not doing what he says he will especially when I have horrible side effects from these drugs.) I am upset because I have told him we should just stop so I don't have side effects and so I don't have a reason to be upset because he isn't capable right now, until we get more help with his back. Had he said yes when I suggested it, I would be sad we were not trying, but happy he was honest.

 

We have not had much success with counselling because he has hated everyone. I am frustrated. We got to 1 or 2 appointments and then he was offended by something asked or stated by our counsellor.

 

I am finding it very hard to follow your advice, and don't know how to tackle this. I cannot deal with his back issues without him and I cant fix our marriage without him. He seems completely unplugged and I am feeling so abandoned. I want my H back. I fear he will never be back though and fear these meds have changed him.

Edited November 2, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1

[Yasuandio]

To me, it sounds like you may be facing a prescription drug addition issue. And your husband is smart in convincing the doctor(s) to continue perceiving these heavy duty meds. These drugs are not meant to be taken for a lifetime except under unique circumstances.

 

For instance, my friend has Stills desease, which causes constant sever pain in her legs - she will never recover from this blood disorder. She is kept on a tight leach of no more than 2 perkacets per day, period. If she took more, she likely would lay around all the time, and be even less active than she has become just due to the illness. I have seen her save some up, and have 3-4 in one day, and that makes her a zombee. So, in a way, even though the amout of pills is limited, it forces her to be active, and that helps the desease interestingly enough.

 

Now drugging up, and still claiming to have to much pain to be an active participant in the marriage sounds problematic. Has it occurred to you that he doesn't want kids at this point? Maybe you need to ask him the direct question rather than wondering why he won't be willing to careers you below the neck. You're not getting any younger.

 

Perhaps his plan is to be disabled. In that case u gotta get that house sold. Honey, I think his mind is so drugged up that he doesn't know or care what's happening.

 

You have been smart to come to this site. That is the first step - to get it all out there like another poster said. In my opinion, you need to get real with the situation you are in and stop daydreaming about the calendar dates - which, as I read on, it seems you have done.

 

I would get proactive and go see this prescribing doctor and tell him your concerns - about addiction. I would also begin to promote some alternate back treatments or other opinions, and you go with him so he doesn't BS you. Doctors get nervous when patients start getting addiction problems. So for now, express you concerns to the doctor, privately, for the record. And I bet the doctor will start cutting him back.

 

Drug addiction is the first problem as I see it. Yas

[ForeverHopeful1]

To me, it sounds like you may be facing a prescription drug addition issue. And your husband is smart in convincing the doctor(s) to continue perceiving these heavy duty meds. These drugs are not meant to be taken for a lifetime except under unique circumstances.

 

For instance, my friend has Stills desease, which causes constant sever pain in her legs - she will never recover from this blood disorder. She is kept on a tight leach of no more than 2 perkacets per day, period. If she took more, she likely would lay around all the time, and be even less active than she has become just due to the illness. I have seen her save some up, and have 3-4 in one day, and that makes her a zombee. So, in a way, even though the amout of pills is limited, it forces her to be active, and that helps the desease interestingly enough.

 

Now drugging up, and still claiming to have to much pain to be an active participant in the marriage sounds problematic. Has it occurred to you that he doesn't want kids at this point? Maybe you need to ask him the direct question rather than wondering why he won't be willing to careers you below the neck. You're not getting any younger.

 

Perhaps his plan is to be disabled. In that case u gotta get that house sold. Honey, I think his mind is so drugged up that he doesn't know or care what's happening.

 

You have been smart to come to this site. That is the first step - to get it all out there like another poster said. In my opinion, you need to get real with the situation you are in and stop daydreaming about the calendar dates - which, as I read on, it seems you have done.

 

I would get proactive and go see this prescribing doctor and tell him your concerns - about addiction. I would also begin to promote some alternate back treatments or other opinions, and you go with him so he doesn't BS you. Doctors get nervous when patients start getting addiction problems. So for now, express you concerns to the doctor, privately, for the record. And I bet the doctor will start cutting him back.

 

Drug addiction is the first problem as I see it. Yas

 

It certainly is the problem. It has occurred to me maybe he doesn't want children, right now, or at all?!? It is why I have given him many outs.. I mean, we have been trying for 2 years and I have felt alone in trying for most of it. I have worried about that, which is more than likely the reason I have tried to give him an out and suggest we stop trying. I have actually told him I give up and that I am too exhausted to keep trying because Im trying alone without his help. He then promises to help and feels bad. Sometimes he even cries when I tell him we can stop if this isn't something we should be focussed on. He continues to try to convince me to try. So I take drugs from day 5-9 of my cycle and then we are to have sex a few days after my last pill until about day 25 of my cycle. If I have responded to these meds, it is anywhere from day 15 to 25, so it makes things hard.

 

I don't know what to do. I like the idea of coming with him to the Dr. How would you go about doing that when someone doesn't want you to come? Do I go to his Dr on my own time without him? Do I call him? I don't know what to do. I sincerely don't.

 

Thanks so much for all your support. I love my husband very much. In the last year, I have had some pretty disturbing thoughts and dreams, as things have fizzled with us. I look at other men. I would never do anything, and would leave before I ever cheated, but I hate that I have looked at other men. I have no desire for them and only want what my husband gives me, but he stopped giving it to me!

 

I feel crazy for wanting to run away, but I feel like Im being taken for granted and feel neglected, lonely, and sad. I can do this bad alone. I hate this feeling.

[Canadiangirl78]

Speaking from personal experience I can tell you his lack if interest in sex is because of the meds he is on..they cause your sex drive to decrease DRASTICALLY. Just watch out as he may be in iver his head with his meds. You said his meds are stronger yet he's in more pain..that's the way opiates work, a persons tolerance for them will build and they have to take more and more with little to no relief. I just don't want you thinking it is you or that he's not attracted to you anymore etc..it's his medications, I can almost guarantee that are causing your intimacy issues..

[ForeverHopeful1]

Speaking from personal experience I can tell you his lack if interest in sex is because of the meds he is on..they cause your sex drive to decrease DRASTICALLY. Just watch out as he may be in iver his head with his meds. You said his meds are stronger yet he's in more pain..that's the way opiates work, a persons tolerance for them will build and they have to take more and more with little to no relief. I just don't want you thinking it is you or that he's not attracted to you anymore etc..it's his medications, I can almost guarantee that are causing your intimacy issues..

 

I KNOW what the problem is. My issue is that I cannot change it. I am miserable. Then on top of that, I feel like Im not allowed to be upset because it wasn't his fault to begin with. Then I get upset at myself for not pushing harder for answers.

 

As I said, he has been on them for years. I know its the drugs. I cant force him to do anything though. THAT is my problem. I have dealt well with the back injury for years, and it almost instantly affected us as a couple. He changed as a person after starting these drugs... it was only really this last year that sex has just been sporadic, and that he has been paranoid, (had a falling out with a friend, and thinks he is stalking us, and has accused me of cheating.) Neither of these things are happening.

 

It is ALL the drugs. I know what our problems are and why we have them. I really do get it. My biggest issue is, I cant fix it alone. Im alone though. All I can do is spend my life in misery or leave because his actions (inactions) have effected us so badly. He has started to think Im the crazy one and that he hasn't changed, or become a different person. I cannot explain this to him or get through to him. I have communicated my feelings 100%. He has been receptive to a point... but still wont act. Everything I have said here is something I have said to him with the exception of looking at other men. I have been sensitive with wording, as to not offend him and push him further away. Im wearing thin.

 

I do feel he is in over his head with these drugs.

[Canadiangirl78]

I am sorry, I didn't mean to imply you didn't know the meds caused problems. I admit I only read your opening post and hit reply without reading through the rest of the thread. I sympathize with your pain, I truly do. I myself was addicted to opiates for some time and have been clean for almost 2 years. I am sure your husband knows as well that the pills are changing who he is as a person. I am sure he is terrified of the thought of living without the pills, believe me when I say being addicted to them can be all consuming. Having to count constantly to make sure you won't run out but probably will anyway etc.. I feel for you, I truly do. I was in your hubby's place once and I did the exact same thing to my amazing boyfriend at the time..I pushed him away especially when he started to question my use..I wish he could see how beautiful life is without the pills. And truth be told he has no gauge on his actual pain level because of them. I was amazed when I got clean that the pain I started taking them for was so much less then I thought when I was taking pills. Because I was once a prisoner of these pills myself, the only thing I can offer is advice if you have any questions about his addiction maybe I could try to help?

[Yasuandio]

It certainly is the problem. It has occurred to me maybe he doesn't want children, right now, or at all?!? It is why I have given him many outs.. I mean, we have been trying for 2 years and I have felt alone in trying for most of it. I have worried about that, which is more than likely the reason I have tried to give him an out and suggest we stop trying. I have actually told him I give up and that I am too exhausted to keep trying because Im trying alone without his help. He then promises to help and feels bad. Sometimes he even cries when I tell him we can stop if this isn't something we should be focussed on. He continues to try to convince me to try. So I take drugs from day 5-9 of my cycle and then we are to have sex a few days after my last pill until about day 25 of my cycle. If I have responded to these meds, it is anywhere from day 15 to 25, so it makes things hard.

 

I don't know what to do. I like the idea of coming with him to the Dr. How would you go about doing that when someone doesn't want you to come? Do I go to his Dr on my own time without him? Do I call him? I don't know what to do. I sincerely don't.

 

Thanks so much for all your support. I love my husband very much. In the last year, I have had some pretty disturbing thoughts and dreams, as things have fizzled with us. I look at other men. I would never do anything, and would leave before I ever cheated, but I hate that I have looked at other men. I have no desire for them and only want what my husband gives me, but he stopped giving it to me!

 

I feel crazy for wanting to run away, but I feel like Im being taken for granted and feel neglected, lonely, and sad. I can do this bad alone. I hate this feeling.

 

Make an appointment to see the doctor alone. Express your concerns and get them on the record. They will have to keep the meeting private. Tell the drug doctor you are visiting all the doctors with the drug list from the pharmacy, to get a clear picture on your husband's apparent addition problem. The pharmacy will print off a list of your purchases - have it in your hand when you have appointment with drug doctor (the dealer). I promise you, that doctor will start cutting him back. That is going to sting. Don't ask about husband's personal records, only express concern about prescription drug addiction (and make sure you let him know you are talking to ALL doctors for your husband's well being). This is a start.

 

Don't tell him. Druggies hate it when they get cut back on their drugs. He will immediately try to find other doctors - but he will probably exhibit "drug-seeking" behavior and won't be so successful. Keep your eyes open. You may need to face that this could be an incurable problem - in terms of meeting your needs of becoming the epotome of the American family, with the home that has a nice white picket fence. If he has to go to the street for drugs, your dreams are in the toilet.

 

It is no wonder other nice men look attractive to you. What do you think your situation will look like ten years from now? I would really think about that. Yas

[Canadiangirl78]

I wouldn't necessarily classify your hubby as a "druggie", unless he's had other problems with different drugs in the past. People start off on painkillers for real legitimate pain and they are given some relief by their doctors in the form of these opiates and for some time it truly works and helps with pain management. But it can easily turn to dependence because that's the nature of how the opiates work. This doesn't make him a bad person or a loser, the pills take over for many many people before you even realize it's happening. There is also a huge difference between addiction and physical dependence. You would be amazed at how many people are struggling with pain pills..doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers etc, people you would NEVER expect. His doctor may be able to help with a tapering plan that will slowly reduce the amount of pills he takes over time. There are also meds out there that can block the effects of opiates with the hope it helps stay off them. There are options out there for your hubby to get off of them, HE has to be the one to want it though. You cannot and will not be able to make him stop by going behind his back talking to his doc. Your hubby is not a bad person for this, he's stuck and afraid of not having the meds and I'm sure he knows it's become a huge problem in his life he just doesn't know where to start with fixing it.

[Mcle]

"One thing he said about 2 weeks before that was that "often the one accusing the other of cheating, was in fact the one cheating." 2 weeks after saying that, he accused me of being with someone else."

 

Cheaters often do this. He gave you a heads up as to what he is really up to. The "my back hurts" is an excuse that buys him time. You may want to count his medications to see if he is even taking him. You mentioned his entire personality changed too? That is also indicative of an affair.

 

Check out the infidelity boards, install a keylogger, check his cell phone and computer history. Even plan a weekend away for yourself and see what he does. You really want to find out what he is doing before you have kids with him. Do not tell him yet of your suspicion as clearly he does not want to be honest with you and will play with your head further as he would prefer to cake eat. I am so sorry.

[Misadventure]

Yas had some points but also, he did say he wanted surgery. This may be an option.

 

Forever, you asked some questions that I think I can answer.

 

Why did he ask you to mark down the days on the calendar for ovulation?

 

Because his sperm needs to be top notch and plentiful those days. If he has 3 days worth of semen stocked up, many of those suckers will be dead sperm or no good. It needs to be pretty fresh but not too fresh. He needs to have "ej" 24 hours to 48 hours before.. but not within 8 to 12 hours.

 

I am sure you know this part but you need to be taking your basal body temperature to make sure it's within a good range ( you can get a watch and ovulation watch to help you - since you are on meds for ovulation, you can better track it-... you need your heart rate to be up before sex... do some jumping jacks and get that heart rate up before you have sex...You can do most of the work from up top but when he is about to achieve you can flip over, and he is on top, and your cervix needs to be at an angle. It helps if you achieve as well because of the cervical fluid. You need to have a pillow under your backside and put your feet up on the wall and be at an upright angle for at least 3-45 minutes. If he has some slow swimmers, even an hour. The freshest sperm are usually in the morning, just FYI. (There is a website called babycenter that can help you with alot of what I have said).

 

 

Next:

 

Sounds like you are anxious about all of this, and I understand. You need to calm down, as hard as it is. Your body needs to be as zen as possible.

 

If he says he still wants to procreate then most likely its true. Men are not ones to throw themselves under the gun to be a dad if they don't want to be. Men like sex and are very basic in this way...even if their mate is not attractive to them at the moment, their mate is their main way of achieving with a person and not five finger mary...if he is declining sex its most likely due to side effects of his meds (and yes it causes ED many times), and maybe he is in pain as well. If he wants surgery, look into a neurosurgeon. A neurosurgeon can give you options, tell you the risks, but also may help in the long run if you want a more active lifestyle.

 

I don't know what meds you are on but if you are taking anything to make you ovulate, it involves hormones, and you are more emotional and sensitive as well.

 

Alot of what you have said basically stems from a melting pot of medical issues, the medicine to help, and the side effects from them.

Edited November 5, 2013 by Misadventure

[RightThere]

I don't know how it really is in your home, but I would guess that the communication between the two of you is pretty poor. You may be saying things to each other, but the other person is definitely not hearing them.

 

I would suggest some serious couples counselling. Hopefully it will help facilitate better communication and the two of you can understand better what the other needs.

 

And I totally agree that the prescription drugs could be causing huge issues. They help mask feelings and can be huge libido busters. He's turning to them instead of facing what is really going on around him.

 

And I know how difficult it is to try conceiving and struggling to be able to. Month after month of disappointment. Keep busy with other activities to try and keep your mind off of it.

 

Good luck to you.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Make an appointment to see the doctor alone. Express your concerns and get them on the record. They will have to keep the meeting private. Tell the drug doctor you are visiting all the doctors with the drug list from the pharmacy, to get a clear picture on your husband's apparent addition problem. The pharmacy will print off a list of your purchases - have it in your hand when you have appointment with drug doctor (the dealer). I promise you, that doctor will start cutting him back. That is going to sting. Don't ask about husband's personal records, only express concern about prescription drug addiction (and make sure you let him know you are talking to ALL doctors for your husband's well being). This is a start.

 

Don't tell him. Druggies hate it when they get cut back on their drugs. He will immediately try to find other doctors - but he will probably exhibit "drug-seeking" behavior and won't be so successful. Keep your eyes open. You may need to face that this could be an incurable problem - in terms of meeting your needs of becoming the epotome of the American family, with the home that has a nice white picket fence. If he has to go to the street for drugs, your dreams are in the toilet.

 

It is no wonder other nice men look attractive to you. What do you think your situation will look like ten years from now? I would really think about that. Yas

 

Thank you for any and all advice. It is hard to hear some of the things I know I need to hear but I am open to hearing hard things and maybe listening to the advice others have. What I am doing and have done isn't working and I clearly need help. Having to do this is what makes me most upset. Having to go to his doctor on my own behind his back............... I hate this. What also kills me is he does NOT see these drugs have changed him. He has only admitted to feeling more paranoid. He has become more withdrawn from everyone, (me, family and friends,) he has become more angry and will freak out over small things that he would never freak out over before, he has just stopped trying in our relationship. I make appointments for everything. Except his Dr, of course. I have booked us in for counselling. I have been the one planning dates. He is not interested in me, let alone sex. I feel very alone.

 

CG78 - He has had issues with drugs in the past. It is what worries me so much. I have stayed by his side through a lot. Im feeling done. I don't feel like installing key loggers. I don't feel like having that information changes anything. I feel done because I no longer feel any love from him. It is done, regardless of whether he is cheating or not.

 

I want for him to be happy. I just cannot deal with standing by this crap any longer. I have always taught him it was ok and I don't feel like I can do that any longer.. His behaviour is no longer ok.

 

I don't feel like he is cheating, but to be honest, it crossed my mind only after he said that to me and then accused me.

 

I feel like running away. I feel like Im wasting my life. I feel like he no longer cares and I feel very much the same these days. I care deeply for him and wish him well, but I really feel excited about life when I think of being single, or with someone else. It is a sad feeling and it does not feel good to feel that way. I hope I don't get ridiculed for it. My first choice is and always has been my H. He no longer gives a ****. It is hard for me to keep this relationship going feeling like Im forcing him to have sex with me and feeling like I am forcing him to be close to me.

 

I tried to answer a few things in this post. I do need to hear these things. What I have done isn't working and I need a new solution. I still have no idea whether I should stay and try to work through this or move on with my life. I saw my mother go through this with my father and I don't want that. I feel very done some days, and don't want to fix anything. I feel like separating and getting divorced and moving on. I believe I can be happy, but I am feeling very miserable with him. I was happy before I met him, and I am not naïve enough to believe I am not awesome by myself. I am happy with me. I can be happy on my own. I would rather feel lonely and be alone, than to feel lonely and be with someone (whether it is H or anyone else.)

 

As I said, we have also tried couples counselling and I finally gave up on marriage/couples counselling. He goes for 1 or 2 appointments and then finds reasons not to ever go back to that person (for any number of reasons...............) and we have never gone to a 3rd appointment with anyone because he cant seem to like anyone long enough. Its ridiculous really. I cannot drag him kicking and screaming. So, what I did do was start counselling on my own. I need it!

 

Thank you for being supportive, guys! Sorry I haven't touched base. I lost my post. Lol.

[ForeverHopeful1]

The only thing I can do is control me, my actions, and my words... that is all I can do. It is very difficult for me to remain sweet and kind with someone I am so bitter and resentful towards. It hurts me deeply to feel this angry.

 

The part of me that feels I should not end my marriage is, I am still angry. I do still care. Im not indifferent. I hate this. I am angry that our life is this way. I am angry he was injured. I am angry his Dr. just kept giving him more drugs, then when more drugs didn't work, he started him on heavier drugs. I am so angry at the world sometimes and sit and wonder, "what in Gods name happened??!?!?!" I know it has taken years to get to this point, but in all sincerity, I don't remember a time where I ever felt like this. I have never left. I have never even thought about it. I always wanted to be here, with him. I still do, but he is not the same person anymore, and I cant live with it.

 

Should I have to because Im his wife? I feel horrible for even feeling these things... which is why Im here, trying to talk it out.