Wife cheated and had cybersex with different men.

[Owl]

If she says she's trying...but knows that she's not trying hard enough....that just says she's NOT really trying. Make sense?

 

There isn't going to be a darn thing you'll be able to do to repair your marriage until SHE decides to repair your marriage. I think you're right for going to counseling on your own if she doesn't want to go...and I'd think that you do need to give her SOME time to get her stuff together...but NOT forever.

 

She should clearly understand that if she doesn't get her act together, her butt is gonna be booted out at some point in the near future. Honestly, if you don't set some kind of deadline and expectations, she'll never have any incentive to work on your marriage.

 

Don't set her expectation to something like you'll be there forever for her, no matter what. She'll use that...she's done so already.

 

As far as raising the kids...don't assume that raising them in a house where you and the wife don't love each other, don't trust each other, and don't treat each other as a person to honor is a good thing. Sometimes you HAVE to seperate...and sometimes it's better for the kids to know that at least you both love THEM. Staying together for the kids isn't fair to anyone...the kids included.

[jmargel]

Ah.. the lecture thing. My wife says the samething when I start on her about something that she knows she's cornered. What you need to do is set a time limit to talk about a particular issue then. If something is bothering you then talk to her about it for about 5-10 minutes, then let it go. That doesn't mean you can't go back to it another day. If you don't follow this, and go on for an hour, all she will hear after 5 minutes anyways is blah, blah blah blah. She then looks at you as a father figure and will resent and do the opposite of what you want done anyway.

 

That seems like a hell of alot of laundry. Unless she's only spending 15 minutes a day on it. Talking on the computer all day will of course create a distant between the two of you. Alot of guys on there who want a piece, will tell any woman what she wants to hear. But she fails to realize they are on there for their own needs.

 

What's most important is that she needs to respect and put your feelings number 1. Do you have a good relationship with her mother? If not, that's another strike against you. Unfortunately you can't tell her to stop talking to her mom (how did her mom treat her dad when she was young?). But what you can do (which will be hard) is to make your wife realize that she needs to start making decisions on her own and to stop relying so much on her parents.

 

I do not think we have communication issues. I have told her my needs, desires, wants and issues that hurt me. She knows what my issues are, she does not feel like addressing mine nor telling me hers

 

And you don't have communication issues? I would have to say, you definetly do. When good communication exists, both spouses 'listen' to each other and then compromise on the situation at hand. It's give and take, not 'my way' or the 'highway'. She has cheated and lied to you numerous times, and you still say you don't have communication issues? Again, I would have to say you most definetly do. However most couples do, including me and my wife. It's not always a case of black and white and when one spouse acts immature then it's almost impossible to fix this.

 

Why does she want to stay with you? Have you asked her that? It could be for financial reasons right now, even if she says not. Her saying 'Get over it', is very insensitive and is a red flag that this is going to continue into the future. If she was regretful for breaking the vows and your love, she would be doing everything she could to reassure the love between you two. She is trying to put you on the defensive so that she doesn't have to deal with the reprocussions. This is a very important time for you, because if you let this go then she knows she will always be able to get away with it. Not only cheating but treating you bad. She wouldn't even treat a stranger this bad, so how come she does this to you? It's because she knows she can. She knows you'll always be around, if not for her, for the kids. And as long as she continues to be able to have her cake and eat it too, then she will.

 

I would hate to see you in the next 5 years living a life of regret, when there are many other great women out there. But, as long as she's willing to continue counseling at least that is some proof she is wanting to get back the life you two once had.

[whichwayisup]

Ah.. the lecture thing. My wife says the samething when I start on her about something that she knows she's cornered. What you need to do is set a time limit to talk about a particular issue then. If something is bothering you then talk to her about it for about 5-10 minutes, then let it go. That doesn't mean you can't go back to it another day. If you don't follow this, and go on for an hour, all she will hear after 5 minutes anyways is blah, blah blah blah. She then looks at you as a father figure and will resent and do the opposite of what you want done anyway.

 

J, that is great advice for anyone in a relationship!!! I know my H and I try not to have any heavy discussions at night. Our minds just don't want to process that kind of talk at that hour.

 

He is more of the 'nitpicker' than I am, so I do know about the blahblahblah reaction. Yes, I am guilty of it too. I am female ofcourse!! We have our shining moments! LOL!!!

[stets1997]

J,

 

I do not think we have communication issues. I have told her my needs, desires, wants and issues that hurt me. She knows what my issues are, she does not feel like addressing mine nor telling me hers.

 

What I meant by this is that "we" do not have issuse, I meant She has communication issues. I went to her again today and asked her if she want to be in this marriage. I did not get an answer.

 

 

I would hate to see you in the next 5 years living a life of regret, when there are many other great women out there. But, as long as she's willing to continue counseling at least that is some proof she is wanting to get back the life you two once had.

 

Me too. I am trying everything I can think of to make this work. My fear is there is something that could have salvaged the relationship, and I either did not try it or give it enough time to work it's way to the end. I figure I have at least a few more weeks of living like this before I will get fed up with the progress and proceed to the next step.

 

I am going to try the 5 minute rule the next time, if there is a next time, we talk. I have been getting better about remaining calm, but she frustrates me greatly. I told her that I was posting messages on a self-help internet site and that I was getting feedback about my next steps. She told me that I was not being truthful, without reading my posts. She wanted me to include that I often scold her when she is wrong, lecture her about her faults and often make her feel bad. I am putting this in now. I have yelled at her before, once when she drove my first new car I ever owned, it had 500 miles on it, into my white house at 2:00 in the afternoon.

 

Thanks for taking the time to post. I have read your's and many others. I too have good days and bad. right now, mostly bad.

[whichwayisup]

Hey S, sorry you're having a string of bad days. I can feel how frustrated you are. I guess I don't understand why she won't give you a straight answer. I bet you can't either. Confronting her prob. would not be a great idea either unless you two can be alone for an afternoon and really talk. Seems you don't have the problem talking to her, but is she HEARING what you are saying to her. Doesn't seem like it, sadly.

 

Have you let her read your posts and all the replies we've all given you? So maybe she can see what she is about to throw away? Mistakes are mistakes are mistakes. But the biggest one is will make NOW is if she doesn't work her a$$ off to fix things with you and be a better parent.

 

I hope you have a good day soon.

[stets1997]

All,

 

I finally got her to sit down and talk to me. I asked what she wanted. She said "to be happy". I asked her why she kept on doing the things that she knows bug me and she stopped doing the things I asked her to do. She stated that she no longer loved me. I told her that I figured she was pissing me off on purpose so that I would do something stupid like hit her. She tried hard and she pushed all of my buttons, but I did not take the bait.

 

I then suggested that she actually wanted a divorce, but she did not want to be the one that files because she could not use her "abandonded wife" therory that she has been working on. I finally told her that she needs to get off the fence. If she wants a divorce, then by all means file, if she does not want one, then shut-up and start to fix the marriage. She chose the former. She stated that she is going to call her lawyer and have him file the papers. Oh, by the way, she wants me to pay the $250 court filing fee.

 

I am ecstatic to working on getting a better life, but I feel terrible for my three boys. No matter how the divorce goes, there lives will be forever changed for the worse. I can sleep at night knowing I fought long and hard to prevent this outcome. In the end this is the best solution for me, but not what I wanted.

 

Thanks again for all of the posts. I will keep all of you posted as to the progress of things.

[Devildog]

stets, sorry to hear your story. You have my sympathy and understanding.

 

That is the problem with ultimatums. You better make sure you mean them, because they will call your bluff.

 

If I may ask, why divorce? Have you thought about seperation? Might be enough of a wake up call for her to get her head in the game.

[stets1997]

dog,

 

If I may ask, why divorce? Have you thought about seperation? Might be enough of a wake up call for her to get her head in the game.

 

I have not had any control of this situation for the past 3 years. I have tried everything I could think of to improve the relationship. She has wanted a divorce for the past 3 years. All of her actions have been directed at making me mad enough that I would hit her or leave the house. I have tried very hard not to let that happen. She will win no matter what I do. She will get custody of the kids, I will pay child support, 50% of the medical bills, these currenty average $750/month plus the cost of insurance, and she will likely get alimony. She has been getting free legal advice from a friend who happens to be a divorce lawyer. Yes, I thought about separation and anything else, but her mind has been on screwing me over, and not in the way that I would like to be screwed.

 

It is time to circle my wagons and cut my losses. I will be better off in the long run when I am with a person that truely loves me and my kids. I will have to endure more pain in the short run, but in the long run, I can see a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

[Devildog]

stets, I comend your dedication to your family. It is a noble thing. Sadly, sometimes it isn't enough. It doesn't seem fair does it? Your wife gets to decide to destroy everything you have done and worked for for the last however many years and you get no say in it.

 

I highly suggest you get yourself a lawyer. It seems she is more than willing and ready to hose you over any way she can. Protect yourself and make sure your rights as a father and betrayed husband are protected.

 

You will find someone who will treat you better in the future.

[Owl]

Sets- I agree with Dog...get yourself a lawyer ASAP.

 

I'm a dad with four kids. Not quite in your position, but I was close to it. I've got to tell you friend....you kids may end up with their parents divorced, but it doesn't sound to me like its really going to be all that much worse for them that way. I have no idea what kind of mother she was, but my first impressions of course scream she couldn't have been that good...look at what she's done and how's she's treated your marriage.

 

The kids are probably going to be much better off in a joint custody situation between you two than growing up seeing how their mom behaves and has treated you. Kids see that stuff...and learn from that example. So don't feel as though you are ruining their life by doing this...I really think it sounds like the best choice for them as well at this point.

 

Hang in there...from what I'm reading here, it can only get better!

[whichwayisup]

S, sorry about the outcome, but it does seem deep down inside you may have known her answer. It will be a hard adjustment for the boys but in the end they will be living in a healthier atmosphere and thrive more because of it.

 

I do hope you find some happiness, you deserve a woman who is going to love you and be a part of your life, not just sit back and watch.

 

If I may ask, why divorce? Have you thought about seperation? Might be enough of a wake up call for her to get her head in the game.

 

DD, once someone decides they don't love the other person and gives up, there is nothing you can do to make things work out. It is sad though and she may regret her decision one day big time.

[stets1997]

All,

 

I don't know why I did it, but I talked her out of filing on Friday morning. I broke down and begged her not to leave. I just can't stand the thought of losing my kids. She knows of this and presses this to her full advantage. Saturday, she asked me if she could go out with a girlfriend so she could think about us. This was after a full day of xmas shopping. She was gone for over 12 hours. When she returned, she verbally thanked me and then went to bed. I can't sleep, so I am here posting.

 

My folks asked me to tell them when my wife does something nice for somebody else. That was two days ago, and I have not been able to give them an answer.

 

I did have a good day with my boys, but I was so worried about her the entire time. I know who she was with, but that does not mean that she went out for part of the time with her and the other time with someone else.

 

She did finally admit to something that I did not know before. She stated that when she lived in Iowa and I lived in Illinois, she met her cyberlover at a local store. She became close friends, but that is all, according to her. She did have him inside my house at night when my kids were asleep, but again she swears that they just talked. I do not believe it, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt, even though I have no reason to do so.

 

I am planning on taking my wife and kids down to see her folks for xmas. We will arrive before xmas, so I hope to spend some time with my wife and her mother going over our issues. I do not think it will help, but I am going to try anyway. She has been lying to her mother as well, so it could be interesting.

 

After xmas, I am taking my boys up to see my folks. My wife is not going to go. Who knows what she will be doing then.

 

I just wish it would be all over. If she still does not want to stay married after new years, then I think I will have exhausted all of my options and then it will be time to cut my losses and move on.

[johnlucas]

stets1997...I read this entire thread.

 

What's going on man? Are you SERIOUSLY thinking there's a chance in HELL for this marriage??? That so-called "woman" you're married to has long made the choice for you.

 

It is quite clear.

She doesn't care about you. And seemingly never has. I strongly suspect she cares little about those children too.

 

You married under the worse of scenarios. Peer pressure. Not to mention baby on the way. Some of the absolute WORSE reasons to EVER marry.

 

I wonder why you haven't picked up on this sooner.

You said she's still acting like a spoiled girl who's still lives with momma & daddy back at home. I can virtually visualize the type of person you are describing. I've seen sorry women like that before. I can practically SEE who you are speaking of. Lazy good-for-nothings. Peg Bundy from Married with Children is more industrious!

 

What's complicating your obvious choice is your love for the kids. THAT'S what's keeping you entertaining this ridiculous notion of saving this "marriage". Along with the financial loss you will most certainly take in the courts (Alimony, child support). Men are hardly EVER favored in Divorce Court as you know.

 

WAKE UP! There's nothing to save. SHE has gone to the limit in making your choice for you. Her every action & word leaves no cover of where the status of this union stands.

 

At this point you got two choices:

 

1) Live in the same house but in separate bedrooms only being "married" as a way to keep from getting screwed in the courtroom.

 

2) Continue to build evidence to make a case for custody of the kids to be put in your name & divorce.

 

That's it.

 

I'm gonna tell you something. She will eventually walk out on you ANYWAY. As soon as she can find another security blanket to hide under she will go for it. And probably take the kids with her.

 

I've been reading many posts in this forum all night & I've got to say how alarming it is to see so many people sounding so weak & indecisive. Wishy-washy.

I'm not here to put down anyone or judge (not my way) but you have to be firm with people or they will walk over you at any given moment. Quit being victims & take charge of your destiny dammit!

 

Sometimes a marriage can be saved but this ain't one of 'em.

 

stets1997, you deserve better do you understand me? Your kids deserve better. Figure out how to wrest custody away from that woefully irresponsible woman & divorce with the quickness!

 

Quit entertaining notions of saving this DOA marriage. Dead On Arrival.

Look for someone new who will treat you right.

3 billion women on planet earth. You GOT to be able to find somebody.

 

Get some calcium in those vertebrae.

 

John Lucas

[Owl]

Sets-

 

While I don't agree with the tone or attitude of the previous poster, I agree with the overall concept that he's tried to provide to you.

 

Look...nothing will change unless YOU make the changes happen. Period. She's gonna keep schtupping around all she wants to for as long as she can...and your last post sounds like you're just going to give up and go along with that.

 

Well, that is your call...its your marriage as much as it is hers, and its not really any of our problem here on LS. But, one thing I've noticed is your deep love and concern for your kids. So...just what message are you two giving your kids, by just quietly condoning your wife's unfaithful behaviour??? If you want them raised in that environment, that is YOUR choice. I don't understand why you are so convinced she'll end up with the kids and you'll have no choice in the matter...sounds to me like there's no reason for that to actually happen here...especially if you can prove what you've talked about here in the posts. Seems to me that you've got a good case for a concern that she can't be a good mom...bad example, doesn't do the housework, strange men in the house at nite while the kids are asleep, etc...

 

Bluntly...make a choice and stick to it. Otherwise, this could just go on with you miserable and the kids in a bad situation forever. Only person who sounds like she's got it all right now is your wife...she gets to do whatever she wants in her marriage with you and you'll do nothing about it, but to continue to support her while she goes and does it.

 

I'm done posting...time for YOU to do YOUR part here...

[johnlucas]

Well Owl I used that tone because he is obviously in mental duality about the whole thing. He is indecisive & sometimes in order to shake someone out of that mental state you got to hammer the point home in a forceful way.

 

His wife has for the entire duration of their marriage treated him less than poorly. It is a slap in the face to this man AND his family. It's about respect.

He's gone on so many years putting up with it & even after all of this he's STILL somehow contemplating keeping this together.

 

There IS nothing TO keep together. That's what I want to convey to him in no uncertain terms. CLARITY. That's what I do. I want to make things clear.

 

Can you believe him actually entertaining staying with this woman after she's shown all the signs of having no regard for him in any way????

 

That makes no sense. She seems to be an example of a poor mother as well & for him to stick with that woman could only hurt his kids & their upbringing.

 

He needs to get out NOW. No maybes. No coulda iffa shoulda.

 

OUT!

 

O-W-T Out!

 

His love & concern for his kids is commendable. Great father. It's what keeps him from making the obvious decision. He's worried for them more than he is about himself. Also he's concerned about losing it all: kids, finance, house, it all in court. That concern is legitimate. But I think he can make a case for custody if he gets his documents together. Build a case to make sure there is NO chance she would benefit from this divorce.

 

A broken home is TEN TIMES better than a poisonous home. He would harm his kids by staying with her.

 

I would tell ANYBODY male or female about what I call the 3 billion rule (6 billion if you're bisexual).

 

On planet earth there are approximately 3,000,000,000 men & approximately 3,000,000,000 women living. Excluding the men & women-to-be & the relatives you're still left with basically near 3 billion people to choose from.

 

The point to make is that there is ALWAYS somebody else & that you don't HAVE to suffer a poisonous relationship for fear that you can't find anybody else.

 

Overpopulation has served humanity well in the mating game. You can strike out 1,000 times & still that would only register as a trace compared to the number of population you haven't encountered.

 

Keep your mind open & curb the nonsensical self-defeating pickiness & you can easily find someone who will be down for you. Someone who is good for you. The person may be of a different culture or a different style, size, or shape than you're used to but they're there.

Only be picky in the areas of that truly have substance like how the person treats another or temperment.

 

I threw that in just in case he was scared to leave for fear of loneliness. A lot of people are like that. Rather keep a bad mate than be alone. Eh. I don't buy that. You can do better.

 

I see a lot of indecisive minds reading this forum & I do understand it. People have attachments & it's the chemical reactions in the brain. Withdrawal. Like a drug actually. But you got to break it. Stay off the bad drugs. Break those attachments that only harm yourself.

 

Hopefully he'll read our words & gather the strength to make a strong decision beneficial to him & his children.

 

John Lucas

[stets1997]

johnlucas,

 

I wish it was as simple as you make it. I have spoken to three prominent divorce lawyers in my state, and they all told me independently that she will get custody of the kids. I can file for divorce and use the adultery as the reason, but she will cite mental cruelty and in the end we will settle for irreconcilable differences. When it comes to custody, my state awards custody to the parent that has been doing the most for the kids. Even though she does very little around the house, she does wash their clothes, take them and pick them up from school and prepare most of the meals. That means she gets custody. Adultery is not considered in terms of custody.

 

She would then receive 33% of my income as child support. My state also requires a 50%50 split of medical costs. I will continue to carry them on my job's health insurance, but I still have to pay for half of the prescription drugs, doctor copays and maintenance medicines. All of my boys have allergies and two have asthma. The last time I looked at the bills, they totaled an additional $750/month.

 

Also, in my state, I will have to pay alimony. How much and for how long depends on the judge. In any case, I would be paying her over 50% of what I make and I would only get to see my kids every other weekend and several weeks in the summer. As bad as my marriage may be, it is better than divorce. I do not expect to ever be happy from a marriage standpoint, but I can better protect my kids from her if I am still around.

 

I have known for years what my options were. They are not pleasant. I have hoped that she would grow up. Recently, I was hoping that her family and friends would pressure her into changing. Neither of those have happened. This is a direct quote from HER brother.

 

If you want to fix things... Fix them! Forgive & Forget! Your Boys lives are at stake here, not your pride! Don't let anything or anyone including my sisters selfish insecurities mess up your kids lives. Your family CORE is way to important, above all the boys need a Dad and a Mom. The two of you committed to "for better or for worse" so get back in there and solve your problems. Don't let that selfish Bitch get away with messing up your

kids lives.

 

 

Owl,

 

Well, that is your call...its your marriage as much as it is hers, and its not really any of our problem here on LS. But, one thing I've noticed is your deep love and concern for your kids. So...just what message are you two giving your kids, by just quietly condoning your wife's unfaithful behavior??? If you want them raised in that environment, that is YOUR choice.

 

I have certainly not quietly condoned the behavior. I have had loud fights with her. I have damaged the house, I have separated our beds, once for a week and they are separate now. I have talked with my oldest, he is 8, about some of our problems. It may not be the best way to handle it, but I am still here trying to get past Christmas at least. I do not want this season of Joy ruined now and for the rest of their lives. No good comes from decisions made in haste. If she does not change, my choice is obvious. There is no long term harm in waiting until after the first of the year.

 

Time could also work in my favor in terms of religion. She has become a deeply religious person in the past few years. A deeply religious woman does not do what she did. Given enough time, she may come to grips with herself and change. I can always hope for miracles. I still think I have less than 1 in 10 chance of salvaging the marriage. We still are seeing the councillor, so maybe more help can come from that as well.

 

I am still glad that all of you take time to post on this thread. All comments are welcome and factored into my thinking.

[whichwayisup]

S, you seem in a better stronger frame of mind once again and your bro in law gives good advice.

 

You need to do what is right for you, whether now it is based on the $ factor, emotional needs of everybody too. All I hope for is there is a peace and harmony in the house so the kids won't have to deal with mommy and daddy fighting and yelling.

 

I wish you all the best and have a wonderful Christmas.

[stets1997]

whichwayisup

 

Thanks for the thoughts. I too hope that you and all who read this have a wonderful Holidays. I am getting ready to take the entire family to my in-laws for Christmas. we will be there until Sunday morning then the boys and I are going onto my folks house. My wife does not want to go to my parents house, so she will miss half of her kids Christmas. Her choice. She will be left alone by me and the boys for at least three days.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask a dumb question? Why is she avoiding your folks place? Shame? Embarressment?

 

I hope she reconsiders for her kids sakes. That just isn't right. I'm sorry, I'm sure you know that and prob. quite pissed about that.

 

Either way, whatever her decision is, you have the boys with you and that will be really fun.