Boyfriend masturbated to porn while I was home, I feel disrespected.

[Kkristine]

I was using my boyfriend's computer the other night & found out he had been looking up naked women online at the time he went to take a "nap." It bothers me, because I was home at the time & never decline if he wants it. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week, usually the nights he's off. I can see that it would be a quick fix for him, as he's worn out after sex, but there are other options besides sex.

 

I just felt very degraded and disrespected that he would sneak around while I was home. I've always known he's watched porn, but this was before we moved in together & didn't see each other very often.

 

He locked me out of the bedroom this morning, by accident, and it raised a red flag to me. Every time he's alone in the house, I get paranoid.

 

I'm upset because I don't even want to be around him, haven't talked to him in 2 days. Not sure how I want to bring it up to him. I feel completely disgusted & to the point where I'm losing my feelings towards him. I know I'm overreacting in my thoughts, but am I right to be upset or is this just a normal guy thing?

 

This is my first serious relationship, and he talks of marriage all the time. I know he loves me, that is nota question, so should I worry?

[anne1707]

I would think it odd if he did not masturbate from time to time.

 

As for being locked out of the bathroom. Is he not allowed any privacy? There are some things that are not meant to be shared.

[Col1]

Lots of women don't mind if their men stare at other women in public. Others don't care if their men go to strip clubs. And some women don't like it when their men to watch pornography. It's all about your expectations of what you want from a relationship partner.

[Grumpybutfun]

Kkristine:

Men watch porn or look at nude/fetish pics from time to time. We can also masturbate alone even if in a relationship that has wonderful intimacy. It is all normal even if we are married/involved and have a great sex life.

My concern in this thread is you said he gets worn out after sex...what do you mean by that exactly?

Inquisitively,

Grumps

[Kkristine]

Kkristine:

Men watch porn or look at nude/fetish pics from time to time. We can also masturbate alone even if in a relationship that has wonderful intimacy. It is all normal even if we are married/involved and have a great sex life.

My concern in this thread is you said he gets worn out after sex...what do you mean by that exactly?

Inquisitively,

Grumps

 

He explained to me one time that it takes all the energy out of him, like he's running a marathon. Granted, he is overweight. Unless I specify otherwise, he will wait for me during sex.

[Grumpybutfun]

Kkristine:

Then my answer is that porn makes him "release" with much, much less effort. Therefore, he is a lazy lover.

What are your personal views on pornography?

Inquisitively, Again,

Grumps

[Keenly]

I have a question.two actually.

 

 

You were asleep. Did you turn him down for sex at any point that day?

 

 

Also, maybe he was trying to respect your sleep. He didn't want to wake you up selfishly to have sex.

 

 

I just don't get it. You bug women to much for sex, your a Bad guy. You watch porn, your a Bad guy.

[nicolewest]

I think your feelings are justified your actions not so much. By ignoring him you are creating more problems for yourself as well as acting immature. Feelings should be discussed in a relationship, rational and irrational.

 

Later in the post you noted that he was overweight and that could have some effect on his sexual behavior. I've run into this problem in a past relationship. Boyfriend was a decent size but lacking stamina. Workout on your own, workout with him and then be patient.

[ponchsox]

Masterbation can help a guy perform better in bed. As long as you have a healthy sex life, I don't see the big deal.

[hotpotato]

Well, I know the pain.

Thanks for reminding me why I am not in a relationship.

 

The ex would reject sex with me so he could go masturbate.

 

No matter how much he like you, he wants other women. Sorry.

[hotpotato]

Masterbation can help a guy perform better in bed. As long as you have a healthy sex life, I don't see the big deal.

 

Or usually it makes them turn into jackhammer lovers. I can always tell when a man watching a lot of porn.

[Keenly]

Well, I know the pain.

Thanks for reminding me why I am not in a relationship.

 

The ex would reject sex with me so he could go masturbate.

 

No matter how much he like you, he wants other women. Sorry.

 

Misinformation at its finest. Men head over heels in love still watch porn. Its not a mutually exclusive black and white issue .

[hotpotato]

Misinformation at its finest. Men head over heels in love still watch porn. Its not a mutually exclusive black and white issue .

 

Isn't that what I just said-no matter how much a man likes you he will still do it. It's misinformation, but we just said the same thing.

 

Bottom line is they need variety and porn is easy-no having to perform, no having to deal with women and that emotion-thingy.

[Grumpybutfun]

Misinformation at its finest. Men head over heels in love still watch porn. Its not a mutually exclusive black and white issue .

 

I agree with keenly here, men and women can love their partner and have a satisfying and passionate sex life and still appreciate porn and nude photography. Men and women both like porn. Not all, but some, so this isn't a male issue. Just because my wife and I like porn and nude photography, that doesn't lessen our love and regard for each other. It heightens our awareness...gives us ideas, stimulates us to be more passionate and in the moment, well, it is hard to explain, but it works for us.

Actually my wife finds porn to be very entertaining, and we usually watch it together so I don't think it is a male thing exclusively. She hasn't always been this way, and she became more comfortable with the idea after she became more trustful and shed some of her antiquated religious mumbo-jumbo about sexual shame for women. Now she is the one who suggests it on quiet nights at home.

I have my own erotic nudes and she has her own, of course. Her only pet peeve is that women are not more outspoken about wanting to see naked men. (She says she is grateful to gay men for keeping her in erotic male photography.)

 

However, if he starts to ignore you sexually or otherwise in favor of porn and masturbation, that would be a breach of boundaries and show you little kindness. Is he sneaking around because of your apparent dislike of porn?

 

Since you knew he liked porn to begin with, it was your right to walk away from the relationship if that was a deal breaker to you. People do not change behaviors they do not find offensive. If he has always enjoyed porn, it isn't a bad thing to him. If it is a bad or shameful thing to you that he does it while you are at home, talk to him about your boundaries, and if he doesn't agree that they can be renegotiated, move on.

 

Best,

Grumpy

[whichwayisup]

Men jerk off. Fact! It doesn't matter how much sex they have, they'll still make time for it.

 

This is not about you or what he feels for you. This is ALL about him and his penis...His toy! HE enjoys whacking off alone. And, that's normal and okay so don't make him feel bad and don't you feel bad.

 

Next time, ask if you can watch! Tell him it'll really turn you on.

[whichwayisup]

He explained to me one time that it takes all the energy out of him, like he's running a marathon. Granted, he is overweight. Unless I specify otherwise, he will wait for me during sex.

 

He's out of shape...So time to head to the gym together, or go walking, play tennis, do a fun sport (outside of the bedroom) so he can get into better shape and lose some weight. that will improve how long he can go in bed and not get so tired.

[Valen]

I can always tell when a man watching a lot of porn.

 

I bet if you were in a room full of men and I ask you to point out the man who watch a lot of porn. I have no doubt you can pick him out. But if I were to blind fold you and ask you to do it, I have no doubt you will be right.

[Kkristine]

I ended up talking to my boyfriend about it last night, and although he did admit to watching porn, he repeatedly lied about watching it while I was home. I felt like he tried to make me look like an idiot by going into a long spiel entailing he didn't. I was very furious, so I admitted I ended up looking at his history after seeing it all in the URL, and he just had a blank face. I was going out to dinner with friends, so I didn't get to finish the conversation. I kept asking what he was thinking & he wouldn't even look at me, just said he as embarrassed. He came home this morning from work & was laying on the couch. He's avoiding me, like I'm the bad guy. I repeatedly told him I didn't care what he did in his private time. I don't control that part of his life, but doing it while I was home & he didn't even glance my way before turning the computer on was what upset me. Now, I, starting to feel like a jealous control freak, when I just felt disrespected & hurt after seeing it.. How do I end this conversation on a good note & move on from it? I know he loves me & I love him very much, just not so much this week

[Keenly]

I ended up talking to my boyfriend about it last night, and although he did admit to watching porn, he repeatedly lied about watching it while I was home. I felt like he tried to make me look like an idiot by going into a long spiel entailing he didn't. I was very furious, so I admitted I ended up looking at his history after seeing it all in the URL, and he just had a blank face. I was going out to dinner with friends, so I didn't get to finish the conversation. I kept asking what he was thinking & he wouldn't even look at me, just said he as embarrassed. He came home this morning from work & was laying on the couch. He's avoiding me, like I'm the bad guy. I repeatedly told him I didn't care what he did in his private time. I don't control that part of his life, but doing it while I was home & he didn't even glance my way before turning the computer on was what upset me. Now, I, starting to feel like a jealous control freak, when I just felt disrespected & hurt after seeing it.. How do I end this conversation on a good note & move on from it? I know he loves me & I love him very much, just not so much this week

 

Acknowledge you over reacted. Tell him you don't want to be " that girlfriend " , and then make a joke about him watching videos with 2 trannys and a pigmy elephant.

[tinktronik]

I ended up talking to my boyfriend about it last night, and although he did admit to watching porn, he repeatedly lied about watching it while I was home. I felt like he tried to make me look like an idiot by going into a long spiel entailing he didn't. I was very furious, so I admitted I ended up looking at his history after seeing it all in the URL, and he just had a blank face. I was going out to dinner with friends, so I didn't get to finish the conversation. I kept asking what he was thinking & he wouldn't even look at me, just said he as embarrassed. He came home this morning from work & was laying on the couch. He's avoiding me, like I'm the bad guy. I repeatedly told him I didn't care what he did in his private time. I don't control that part of his life, but doing it while I was home & he didn't even glance my way before turning the computer on was what upset me. Now, I, starting to feel like a jealous control freak, when I just felt disrespected & hurt after seeing it.. How do I end this conversation on a good note & move on from it? I know he loves me & I love him very much, just not so much this week

You don't actually control any of his time sweetie. You only control your own. You sound like a control freak. You are jealous of your BF's hand! Then you sat him down and grilled him like a 2 y/o? Wow, seriously out of bounds.

[Balzac]

S H A M E. S H A M E is about judgement and power.

[Sanman]

then make a joke about him watching videos with 2 trannys and a pigmy elephant.

 

I saw that one. Not my favorite... The elephant was a bit of a drama queen.

[crederer]

I bet if you were in a room full of men and I ask you to point out the man who watch a lot of porn. I have no doubt you can pick him out. But if I were to blind fold you and ask you to do it, I have no doubt you will be right.

 

lol yah, "pick out the guy that watches a lot of porn"

"umm....him!"

"it was a trick question. They all watch a ridiculous amount of porn"

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I was using my boyfriend's computer the other night & found out he had been looking up naked women online at the time he went to take a "nap." It bothers me, because I was home at the time & never decline if he wants it. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week, usually the nights he's off. I can see that it would be a quick fix for him, as he's worn out after sex, but there are other options besides sex.

 

I just felt very degraded and disrespected that he would sneak around while I was home. I've always known he's watched porn, but this was before we moved in together & didn't see each other very often.

 

He locked me out of the bedroom this morning, by accident, and it raised a red flag to me. Every time he's alone in the house, I get paranoid.

 

I'm upset because I don't even want to be around him, haven't talked to him in 2 days. Not sure how I want to bring it up to him. I feel completely disgusted & to the point where I'm losing my feelings towards him. I know I'm overreacting in my thoughts, but am I right to be upset or is this just a normal guy thing?

 

This is my first serious relationship, and he talks of marriage all the time. I know he loves me, that is nota question, so should I worry?

 

 

 

This has nothing to do with "guys". This is all on you.

 

 

Were it both your first relationship and your first understanding of the modern internet, then you might have a gripe of some sort.

 

How do you get "disrespected" from his having stated that he was going to take a 'nap' instead of his having said that he was going to go and stroke it to some young hotties?

 

And the only reason he snuck around was the environment which you have (at least) 50% responsibility for having created.

 

Finally, locking you out of the bedroom and his being alone in the house have nothing to do with one another. For it doesn't matter what he locks up, at such point as when he is actually alone in the house.

 

Take stock of your own contributions to the environment which you so dislike, and then maybe consider doing the exact opposite of whatever actions and instincts of yours got you to this point.

[Sanman]

Unless you are willing to give him unreciprocated Bjs on demand, I don't really see the issue. You knew that he did this before you moved in together and you now live there. Do you want him asking you to run to the grocery store every time he wants to jerk off? Sometimes you just want a quick release and to get on with your day. If he gets tired during sex, cowgirl is always an option.

Edited November 4, 2013 by Sanman