Boyfriend masturbated to porn while I was home, I feel disrespected.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OP, Id recommend reposting this on another site such as enotalone.com or askhelpdesk.com for relationships.

 

The dating forums of loveshack.org are full of extremely bitter, degrading men and if you post a serious question on those other sites you'll get more rational, supportive, constructive answers.

 

 

... says a woman who, two minutes later, liked one of the answers offered by said men.

 

 

The OP here created her environment herself, and now she is unwilling to live in the environment she helped to create - instead thinking it should be someone else (perhaps you or I?) who should have to solve her problem.

[skydiveaddict]

 

I just felt very degraded and disrespected that he would sneak around while I was home. I've always known he's watched porn, but this was before we moved in together & didn't see each other very often.

 

You should feel that way. Pornography and masturbation are signs of a weak man with no self control.

 

I know he loves me, that is nota question, so should I worry?

 

Really? You know that? He prefers pornography and masturbating over you. Time to wake up and face the music.

[Sanman]

The men in this thread are immediately dismissive and degrading towards her. Yeah, she would be much better off posting it somewhere else.

 

Anytime there is a porn thread on this site its all the men posting responses going me me me me me me me not just this specific thread

 

I have seen many of your posts, most of the time you are sexist and misogynistic, but occasionally I do see some thoughtful ones.

 

If she wants people who only agree with her, then she should definitely post elsewhere (or apparently just wait for the bitter women to judge all men as weak). Just because we don't agree with her (or apparently your) point of view, does not mean we must be dismissed. This is not a pervasive problem that is affecting her sex life. It is a pre-existing behavior that she now has chosen not to like. Her bf never agreed not to masterbate when she was residing in the same apt/house ad far as I know. She decided that it was unacceptable and then got mad at him for something that he, and many other people, consider a healthy behavior.

[madjac74]

You should feel that way. Pornography and masturbation are signs of a weak man with no self control.

.

 

Said by a guy who posted this about men...

 

"Yes we are all jerks. At least those of us who get dates. That's because girls crave that and will not date a "nice guy." You can pretend it's not true, but it is."

 

I know a lot of women who admit to viewing porn ...is weakness gender specific?

Edited November 4, 2013 by madjac74

[skydiveaddict]

I know a lot of women who admit to viewing porn ...is weakness gender specific?

Yes it is. Go ahead and do what you're going to do. Be an effeminate pussy if you want to. It doesn't matter to me.

[madjac74]

How exactly is saying women can be just as weak as men , being effeminate? I would think it was actually being very man positive.

[skydiveaddict]

How exactly is saying women can be just as weak as men , being effeminate?

They're not. That's not what I said and you know it.

 

If you would be honest with yourself you would admit that it's a serious problem for men. Not women. Find me a thread that says my gf is getting off on porn.

[William]

Let's move back to focusing on the thread starter and their issue and cut the cross-talk. Thanks!

[madjac74]

They're not. That's not what I said and you know it.

 

If you would be honest with yourself you would admit that it's a serious problem for men. Not women. Find me a thread that says my gf is getting off on porn.

 

Ok I will definitely give you that. Men will take porn to the point of obsession. My disagreement with you was that it is necessarily a weakness to men if they view porn. In many cases yes but if a guy is viewing porn while in a relationship is not necessarily unhealthy.

[madjac74]

Let's move back to focusing on the thread starter and their issue and cut the cross-talk. Thanks!

 

Sorry William! I like skydive and mean no disrespect. I hope he likes me too

[skydiveaddict]

Ok I will definitely give you that. Men will take porn to the point of obsession. My disagreement with you was that it is necessarily a weakness to men if they view porn. In many cases yes but if a guy is viewing porn while in a relationship is not necessarily unhealthy.

 

Nice try. It's just another excuse to validate betrayal and weakness.

 

Are you really that weak that you have to resort to pornography?

[madjac74]

I am probably that weak outside of a relationship. Sometimes it seems easier to go that route...but then I met someone amazing. I don't feel that way anymore but I still do it on occasion.

 

As far as the OP ...if her boyfriend is totally disregarding her for porn then it is definitely a problem

[skydiveaddict]

I am probably that weak outside of a relationship

.

 

Then it's time to man up .

 

Sometimes it seems easier to go that route...but then I met someone amazing. I don't feel that way anymore but I still do it on occasion.

At least you're trying. Nice that you found someone. I'm happy for you.

[madjac74]

.

 

Then it's time to man up .

 

Catholic huh?

[serial muse]

I was using my boyfriend's computer the other night & found out he had been looking up naked women online at the time he went to take a "nap." It bothers me, because I was home at the time & never decline if he wants it. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week, usually the nights he's off.

 

Do you ever feel/get rejected by him for sex?

 

Porn's a problem in a relationship when it becomes a replacement for intimacy. But it doesn't sound like that's happening here; this is about your fears. If you hadn't found this evidence, would you have sensed something lacking between you? Doesn't sound like it...

 

I don't think you need to worry, personally.

[gaius]

Catholic huh?

Either that or klingon. Can I lay on a comfortable mattress or is that weak and unmanly too?

 

You have every right to be annoyed hes looking at porn while you're around kristine. Thats just rude.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

If it's not in front of his computer with porn, it will be in the shower or while "using the restroom."

 

It's amusing that people think it's some degrading thing, to be home and not be asked for sex.

 

The guy jerks off. This is not a new behavior as he's been doing it since puberty. Now you feel threatened by that instead of understanding.

 

This is your problem, not his. The only way I can see to fix it is if you kept him sexed out. Not give him a chance to masturbate. I don't think it's possible.

 

When you talk to him about it, are you talking as someone who cares about him, or are you confronting him and blaming him for what you see is a problem in your relationship?

 

If you try to shame him, you will get bad results. He will clam up and not want to talk about it at all. You need to approach him with the mindset that it is your problem, not his. Because that is the reality.

[hotpotato]

I agree with keenly here, men and women can love their partner and have a satisfying and passionate sex life and still appreciate porn and nude photography. Men and women both like porn. Not all, but some, so this isn't a male issue. Just because my wife and I like porn and nude photography, that doesn't lessen our love and regard for each other. It heightens our awareness...gives us ideas, stimulates us to be more passionate and in the moment, well, it is hard to explain, but it works for us.

Actually my wife finds porn to be very entertaining, and we usually watch it together so I don't think it is a male thing exclusively. She hasn't always been this way, and she became more comfortable with the idea after she became more trustful and shed some of her antiquated religious mumbo-jumbo about sexual shame for women. Now she is the one who suggests it on quiet nights at home.

I have my own erotic nudes and she has her own, of course. Her only pet peeve is that women are not more outspoken about wanting to see naked men. (She says she is grateful to gay men for keeping her in erotic male photography.)

 

However, if he starts to ignore you sexually or otherwise in favor of porn and masturbation, that would be a breach of boundaries and show you little kindness. Is he sneaking around because of your apparent dislike of porn?

 

Since you knew he liked porn to begin with, it was your right to walk away from the relationship if that was a deal breaker to you. People do not change behaviors they do not find offensive. If he has always enjoyed porn, it isn't a bad thing to him. If it is a bad or shameful thing to you that he does it while you are at home, talk to him about your boundaries, and if he doesn't agree that they can be renegotiated, move on.

 

Best,

Grumpy

 

Grumpy, we are all saying the same thing-that someone can watch porn and still love their partner.

 

however, I disagree when it comes to tolerating this behavior. I dont think he should do hurt her feelings or be disrespectful to her because he loves her.

 

I'm not sure if I would call leaving a human being in bed alone or otherwise available to go jerk off is called being satisfied with that person.

 

I know this is hard OP, but most men cannot be sexually satisfied with one woman. It's just a fact of life, they get bored, they need something different. Any excuse he gives you is just that-an excuse.

[man_in_the_box]

Yes, because women never fantasize over someone else?

[Keenly]

 

I know this is hard OP, but most men cannot be sexually satisfied with one woman. It's just a fact of life, they get bored, they need something different. Any excuse he gives you is just that-an excuse.

 

 

 

Once again, you are wrong on the topic. Men are easily satisfied by one woman. Porn has absolutely nothing to do with current sexual satisfaction.

[Keenly]

Yes, because women never fantasize over someone else?

 

How many people in the infidelity forum are women . LOL .

[Kkristine]

Do you ever feel/get rejected by him for sex?

 

Porn's a problem in a relationship when it becomes a replacement for intimacy. But it doesn't sound like that's happening here; this is about your fears. If you hadn't found this evidence, would you have sensed something lacking between you? Doesn't sound like it...

 

I don't think you need to worry, personally.

 

 

I really liked your response, as I never felt we were lacking. We had a long conversation about it last night, and he actually broke down in tears thinking I was going to end the relationship. He had cried leaving work & during his lunch, and for a 27 year old man, that just broke me heart. We realized, well I did, that I need to communicate better & not avoid the situation.

 

He explained that although he doesn't remember that one incident, he understood why I felt the way I did. He deleted all his videos he had saved years ago & proclaimed that he wouldn't watch porn anymore, his choice. I explained that I didn't mind it, just don't let me see it on the public computer. (Delete the history). He still promised it to me.

 

He also explained that sex is not a chore for him, and I'm not just a sex toy. So, when he has that need, he doesn't want to come out every time & ask me to give him a blow job, so that I'm not just some type of slave.

 

I had a terrible experience with my mom's ex boyfriend & porn, so I had to understand that my boyfriend is not that man. All is good.

[serial muse]

I had a terrible experience with my mom's ex boyfriend & porn, so I had to understand that my boyfriend is not that man. All is good.

 

Oh my - I hope this didn't involve you in any way.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you guys talked it out! Yes, it's so important to separate past pains/fears/anxieties from current situations. Love it when cool heads prevail.

[Sanman]

A person that realizes that she contributed to the problem, spoke to her SO instead of getting bitter about men on here, and resolved to work on her own issues as well? That definitely does not belong on LS. Good job though OP. I'm glad you were able to work it out.

[antonio1149]

I really liked your response, as I never felt we were lacking. We had a long conversation about it last night, and he actually broke down in tears thinking I was going to end the relationship. He had cried leaving work & during his lunch, and for a 27 year old man, that just broke me heart. We realized, well I did, that I need to communicate better & not avoid the situation.

 

He explained that although he doesn't remember that one incident, he understood why I felt the way I did. He deleted all his videos he had saved years ago & proclaimed that he wouldn't watch porn anymore, his choice. I explained that I didn't mind it, just don't let me see it on the public computer. (Delete the history). He still promised it to me.

 

He also explained that sex is not a chore for him, and I'm not just a sex toy. So, when he has that need, he doesn't want to come out every time & ask me to give him a blow job, so that I'm not just some type of slave.

 

I had a terrible experience with my mom's ex boyfriend & porn, so I had to understand that my boyfriend is not that man. All is good.

 

He may not be that man now, but he's on a slippery slope. I'm going to depart from most of the guys on here--I'm fairly anti-porn and I *do* think it's harmful. It can be as addicting as cocaine, can cause your partner to become desensitized to sex and find you less satisfying over time. I suggest you direct your boyfriend to this Web site:

 

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

 

Lots of good info there on the dangers involved and how to deal with them. Good luck!