GF Cheated - Not handling it well

[sadecon]

I just need someone to talk to. This will probably be a long post, as I need to get a lot off my chest. Feel free to just skip to the bottom for the summary.

 

I’ll be 21 years old on Tuesday, and I am a junior in college. I’m trying to deal with a cheating partner, and it’s not going so well. (I also want to apologize in advance - I’m usually an excellent writer, but my muse seems to be gone, so I think this post will come off as trite. Please ignore the cliches.) I’ll just get right into it.

 

I started dating my girlfriend in the 10th grade of high school. We were unbelievably happy together, and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Two and a half blissful years, until we went away to college. We went to different schools, but they were within the same city and very much accessible to one another. We planned to stay together. However, as many of you may have guessed at this point, that did not last. Just a few weeks into our freshman year, we split up. It was very emotional, but we agreed that things had changed; we had grown apart, and wanted to experience college “the right way.”

 

I was miserable. Depressed, angry, and probably drinking a little too heavily, I completely cut off ties with her. We had each lost our best friend. She tried to reach out to me a few times over the year, but each time I shot her down. Despite the loss, the thought of being around her killed me. I admit that a complete walling off is not the perfect way to deal with a breakup that probably requires some communication. But, of course, no one’s perfect. I always remained very much in love with her, and refusing to acknowledge her was the only way I was able to deal.

 

She started dating a new guy by November. I was hurt by her expediency, and as a result I had a new girlfriend by December, hoping to upset my ex. I realize that this was immature, and unfair to my new girlfriend. But once again, I didn’t care.

 

I suppose this is where things differ from your average story about high school sweethearts and college breakups.

 

The end of the year rolled around, and it was time to return home for the summer. I hadn’t talked to my ex in probably six months, excluding an occasional message from her that she wanted to repair our friendship, and my blunt refusals. One day, right during the stress of finals, I received another one of her texts asking to talk. She had broken up with her boyfriend. For reasons beyond my understanding, this time I was receptive.

 

We didn’t talk about anything substantive, just the lighthearted banter that I had loved some much. I moved back home for the summer, and broke up with my girlfriend. A few days later, I met up with my high school sweetheart, and we were back together in the blink of an eye.

 

Things were back to normally immediately. It was a wonderful summer of our old-fashioned hijinks. She had some concerns about going back to school in the fall (empirical evidence suggests that it wouldn’t work out so well). I assuaged her fears, quite confident that this time things would be different.

 

Believe it or not, I was right.

 

Our sophomore year flew by. We stayed at each other’s places on the weekends, and sometimes during the week if we had late classes the next morning. We weren’t together all the time, but it was frequent enough that we were content. Happy once again, we never had a problem. We always talked about our futures together, making our post-college plans and discussing our wedding and future children with a casual frequency. I went home for the summer, she stayed at school, and would come home every other weekend or so. It was painful to be away, but we kept busy and relished our time together.

 

Enter our junior year. Overjoyed to be living in the same city again, things were good. Never a hint of dissatisfaction. She joined a theater troupe of sorts, in an attempt to make more friends. Fast forward to about two weeks ago. She had a very small part in one of their performances (re-enactments of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, while the movie plays behind the performers). I wanted to come, but I couldn’t, as it was parent’s weekend, and I was visiting with my family. The next weekend, she wanted me to come to her campus so we could go to a party together. I had just gotten over an illness, and she had just come down with a different one. I didn’t go see her last weekend, for fear that I might get sick again (my current course load and internship are extremely demanding, and I truly couldn’t afford it).

 

This past week, contact with her was noticeably different. She was very distant, and there were some days when we exchange just a few texts. I asked her if something was wrong, and if she noticed that things were off between us. She shrugged it off every time. Last night I went to go see her, and she told me everything.

 

She said that she went to a party after the performance, and looked around at all the people going wild. People who were in relationships, but were okay with their partners kissing other people. She became convinced that she was missing out of an authentic college experience. She said that she “didn’t do it right” when we broke up last time, as she just jumped into a monogamous new relationship. She says that one of her biggest regrets is that she’s never experimented with a girl. She was tired of always “worrying about whether would approve” of what she does.

 

Then, the next weekend (when I didn’t visit her because she had a cold), she went to another one of the theater troupe’s parties. She drunkenly hooked up with another guy from the troupe. They didn’t have sex.

 

We talked for about two hours. She sobbed. I cried. She’s never felt worse in her life, and said that she never wanted to hurt me. She said that ever since that first party, she was thinking about talking to me about going on a break so that we could try new things, but she knew that I wouldn’t be okay with that. She desperately wanted me to come last weekend so we could talk, but I didn’t.

 

I felt numb. I was shaking. The person I love more than anything else in the world hurt me in the worst way. She’s always had a fair number of guy friends, but I was never too jealous. I always *knew* that she wouldn’t hurt me.

 

I initially told her that this was not something that I could get past. I had always told myself “once a cheater, always a cheater,” and that if I ever found myself in this situation, I would end things. No questions asked. It’s proving to be more complicated than that.

 

She said that she wanted our future together, but not right now. She didn’t know if she wanted to continue our relationship. I didn’t know either. We left last night agreeing that we would take a few days to think about where we stand.

 

Which brings me here. I’m an emotional mess right now. My best friend (besides her) is my roommate, but he has a romantic interest visiting for the weekend, so I can’t talk about it with him. There’s no one else I feel comfortable talking about it with. The only person I want to hear from is her, and she’s the one person I can’t talk to.

 

 

 

 

For those who just scrolled to the bottom (which must be everyone, considering the length of the post):

 

Dated a girl from high school. Went to colleges nearby, but broke up freshman year. Got back together over the summer, been together since. Last night she told me she cheated on me last weekend, and while she wants to spend her future with me, she probably wants a break now, she she can experiment some more. This is a possibility that I might have been receptive to (but probably not), but since she cheated, I’m having trouble imagining that being an option.

 

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Advice, suggestions, condolences, I don’t know. I haven’t told anyone. She’s extremely close with my family, and telling them that we broke up the first time was difficult enough, and the thought of doing it again is pretty much unbearable.

[nescafe1982]

I am so sorry that this happened to you OP. Being betrayed is one of the worst experiences one endures in a romantic relationship. For now, GOOD FOR YOU for going no-contact; that is a huge step in the right direction and shows that you want to heal and get better from this! It's also very, very difficult (as you said)... but it really is the very best solution for you right now.

 

Unfortunately, this is going to hurt. For a while. Maybe a long while. I wish I could say different, but as someone who's been there, I think it's important to be straight about it. Recovering from this sort of thing sucks. And it takes time. Nothing but time.

 

That's the bad news. BUT I can offer some pointers as you continue to cope with this thing. Hopefully some of them will help.

 

1) No contact with this person, nothing. Delete her from your life to every extent possible, at least for a while (I'm talking Months, not weeks). If she tries to reach you, tell her once that it's in the interest of your wellbeing that she better stop. And then stop taking her calls. Block her email, block her on FB.

 

2) Be very, very kind to yourself. Eat well, sleep as well as you can manage, get outside and get some sun if possible. Take your down-time seriously. You're in college and I get that you have to study... but avoid late-night study sessions or long periods of time alone and indoors. Take breaks frequently.

 

3) and this is connected, but be patient with yourself. If you're anything like me you'll feel a lot of intense emotions over the course of the next weeks and months: despair, bargaining, anger, hate, etc. They will be unpleasant waves and sometimes inexplicable. But how you respond to having these feelings is absolutely key; allow yourself to feel them, don't dismiss them or repress them. Don't get mad at yourself for being hurt, and everytime you have a self-negating thought, catalog it but do NOT take it to heart. It's hard to explain... but often the betrayed spouse has a difficult time dealing with emotions like guilt, shame, or anger. But these are 100% normal responses and you will need to process them with patience.

 

4) Be around others who have your best interests in mind. And ask them to a) be kind with you and b) be patient with you. Friends, family, whoever. If you have a handful of friends you can truly talk to about stuff, check in with them as necessary. I know men don't talk to one another as much about stuff like this as women do... but they should, darn it. And it will help your process this thing to have someone close to talk to. Ask for help when you need it... and get out and do some group activities as often as possible (don't know what you like, per se, but camping, road trips, hiking, going to the gym, and cocktails out with buddies all come to mind as stuff I did when I was going through a betrayal.)

 

5) Do not place yourself in situations where you are around people who do not have your best interests in mind. For a while your ego will be bruised; lots of folks act out poorly not because they've lost it after a betrayal, but because they surround themselves with unhealthy people. Pick your peers wisely right now, and make sure to be part of a supportive group.

 

Hm... I'm sure there's more, but those are the biggies. I hope some of it helps. I feel for your situation and can tell you honestly that IT DOES GET BETTER. It takes time though. And after that time passes and you are sufficiently far away from this betrayal, THEN you can do a post-mortem on this relationship and try to figure out exactly what happened that led to the betrayal (my guess off-hand is that you two are young and grew apart, and she was not mature enough to face it,... but only time will tell). For now, focus on taking care of yourself and being patient with your feelings.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

Run, run, run, this is what your future with her will look like, she will always be experimenting.

[lovenotwar]

I'm sorry for all that's happened to you.

 

The message I'm getting is that she isn't really willing to commit to you right now. That's a serious problem, if that's not what you're looking for.

 

I'm not sure if the cheating itself should weigh overly on you; you don't say precisely what transpired, but presumably it could have been worse. You don't say if she was repentant, or merely it was just that she felt bad. It sounds like you've had a long and mostly happy history with this girl; maybe you could cut her some slack on an evening of poor judgment.

 

So if I were you, I'd deprioritize the cheating itself, which is just a symptom of the larger problem, and think more about the long-term situation. The main thing to determine is whether your relationship is going anywhere, or not. With this in mind, I'd give the opposite advice of the other commenters: keep the lines of communication open, at least for now.

 

You should try to make the best decision possible, and then stick with that decision. To do that, you're probably going to need all of the information you can get. To that end, I think you should continue to communicate with her, and get a feel for what her direction is. Remember that you probably have some weight in her decision-making process as well. Give yourself a deadline to make some sort of decision.

 

Think about each of the outcomes. If it seems like she wants to go and do her own thing (now that she's been exposed to whatever it is that she's been exposed to), think about what that means for you. It's possible you should consider somewhat relaxed terms of the relationship--as long as its truly mutual, in that you have the opportunity to get hooked up with some other girls too. I wouldn't relax too much though.

 

Good luck.

[f1asr88]

I just need someone to talk to. This will probably be a long post, as I need to get a lot off my chest. Feel free to just skip to the bottom for the summary.

 

I’ll be 21 years old on Tuesday, and I am a junior in college. I’m trying to deal with a cheating partner, and it’s not going so well. (I also want to apologize in advance - I’m usually an excellent writer, but my muse seems to be gone, so I think this post will come off as trite. Please ignore the cliches.) I’ll just get right into it.

 

I started dating my girlfriend in the 10th grade of high school. We were unbelievably happy together, and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Two and a half blissful years, until we went away to college. We went to different schools, but they were within the same city and very much accessible to one another. We planned to stay together. However, as many of you may have guessed at this point, that did not last. Just a few weeks into our freshman year, we split up. It was very emotional, but we agreed that things had changed; we had grown apart, and wanted to experience college “the right way.”

 

I was miserable. Depressed, angry, and probably drinking a little too heavily, I completely cut off ties with her. We had each lost our best friend. She tried to reach out to me a few times over the year, but each time I shot her down. Despite the loss, the thought of being around her killed me. I admit that a complete walling off is not the perfect way to deal with a breakup that probably requires some communication. But, of course, no one’s perfect. I always remained very much in love with her, and refusing to acknowledge her was the only way I was able to deal.

 

She started dating a new guy by November. I was hurt by her expediency, and as a result I had a new girlfriend by December, hoping to upset my ex. I realize that this was immature, and unfair to my new girlfriend. But once again, I didn’t care.

 

I suppose this is where things differ from your average story about high school sweethearts and college breakups.

 

The end of the year rolled around, and it was time to return home for the summer. I hadn’t talked to my ex in probably six months, excluding an occasional message from her that she wanted to repair our friendship, and my blunt refusals. One day, right during the stress of finals, I received another one of her texts asking to talk. She had broken up with her boyfriend. For reasons beyond my understanding, this time I was receptive.

 

We didn’t talk about anything substantive, just the lighthearted banter that I had loved some much. I moved back home for the summer, and broke up with my girlfriend. A few days later, I met up with my high school sweetheart, and we were back together in the blink of an eye.

 

Things were back to normally immediately. It was a wonderful summer of our old-fashioned hijinks. She had some concerns about going back to school in the fall (empirical evidence suggests that it wouldn’t work out so well). I assuaged her fears, quite confident that this time things would be different.

 

Believe it or not, I was right.

 

Our sophomore year flew by. We stayed at each other’s places on the weekends, and sometimes during the week if we had late classes the next morning. We weren’t together all the time, but it was frequent enough that we were content. Happy once again, we never had a problem. We always talked about our futures together, making our post-college plans and discussing our wedding and future children with a casual frequency. I went home for the summer, she stayed at school, and would come home every other weekend or so. It was painful to be away, but we kept busy and relished our time together.

 

Enter our junior year. Overjoyed to be living in the same city again, things were good. Never a hint of dissatisfaction. She joined a theater troupe of sorts, in an attempt to make more friends. Fast forward to about two weeks ago. She had a very small part in one of their performances (re-enactments of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, while the movie plays behind the performers). I wanted to come, but I couldn’t, as it was parent’s weekend, and I was visiting with my family. The next weekend, she wanted me to come to her campus so we could go to a party together. I had just gotten over an illness, and she had just come down with a different one. I didn’t go see her last weekend, for fear that I might get sick again (my current course load and internship are extremely demanding, and I truly couldn’t afford it).

 

This past week, contact with her was noticeably different. She was very distant, and there were some days when we exchange just a few texts. I asked her if something was wrong, and if she noticed that things were off between us. She shrugged it off every time. Last night I went to go see her, and she told me everything.

 

She said that she went to a party after the performance, and looked around at all the people going wild. People who were in relationships, but were okay with their partners kissing other people. She became convinced that she was missing out of an authentic college experience. She said that she “didn’t do it right” when we broke up last time, as she just jumped into a monogamous new relationship. She says that one of her biggest regrets is that she’s never experimented with a girl. She was tired of always “worrying about whether would approve” of what she does.

 

Then, the next weekend (when I didn’t visit her because she had a cold), she went to another one of the theater troupe’s parties. She drunkenly hooked up with another guy from the troupe. They didn’t have sex.

 

We talked for about two hours. She sobbed. I cried. She’s never felt worse in her life, and said that she never wanted to hurt me. She said that ever since that first party, she was thinking about talking to me about going on a break so that we could try new things, but she knew that I wouldn’t be okay with that. She desperately wanted me to come last weekend so we could talk, but I didn’t.

 

I felt numb. I was shaking. The person I love more than anything else in the world hurt me in the worst way. She’s always had a fair number of guy friends, but I was never too jealous. I always *knew* that she wouldn’t hurt me.

 

I initially told her that this was not something that I could get past. I had always told myself “once a cheater, always a cheater,” and that if I ever found myself in this situation, I would end things. No questions asked. It’s proving to be more complicated than that.

 

She said that she wanted our future together, but not right now. She didn’t know if she wanted to continue our relationship. I didn’t know either. We left last night agreeing that we would take a few days to think about where we stand.

 

Which brings me here. I’m an emotional mess right now. My best friend (besides her) is my roommate, but he has a romantic interest visiting for the weekend, so I can’t talk about it with him. There’s no one else I feel comfortable talking about it with. The only person I want to hear from is her, and she’s the one person I can’t talk to.

 

 

 

 

For those who just scrolled to the bottom (which must be everyone, considering the length of the post):

 

Dated a girl from high school. Went to colleges nearby, but broke up freshman year. Got back together over the summer, been together since. Last night she told me she cheated on me last weekend, and while she wants to spend her future with me, she probably wants a break now, she she can experiment some more. This is a possibility that I might have been receptive to (but probably not), but since she cheated, I’m having trouble imagining that being an option.

 

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Advice, suggestions, condolences, I don’t know. I haven’t told anyone. She’s extremely close with my family, and telling them that we broke up the first time was difficult enough, and the thought of doing it again is pretty much unbearable.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. The bits I have highlighted in bold strike a chord with me because I have been in the same position as you. (You can check my previous posts )

 

This is going to sound horrible, but the first paragraph in bold tells me basically that she feels limited by being with you and wants to spread her wings, and legs, and sleep around.

 

The second paragraph I have highlighted, well if a girl wants a break, you pretty much have to assume she is not going to be faithful to you in that time, and your GF has pretty much said as much, that is the purpose of it, to get off with guys, girls and anything else she might want to try. There's no "we" in it, it's all about her.

If she doesn't scratch this itch now and you stay together, she is going to be forever be curious, perhaps regretful all the time she is with you, and you'll probably have it preying on your mind that she might rather be at it with other guys/ girls. She might decide to actually go through with it later if you were to get married, and then what?

 

The last paragraph I've highlighted, I heard a lot, she wants to be with you in future, but not right now.Then listen to what she says, and let her go.

Don't do what I did, and beg her, plead with her to stay with you.

The moment I stopped doing that (after a couple of months) she came crawling back, but I didn't want her.

Think about how after everything you've done for her, and how well you've treated her, she'd rather be shagging someone else with you on the shelf, waiting for one day in the future when she might want to settle down....

 

You might persuade her to stay with you, but I think you'll get buyer's remorse, a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing that she isn't with you because she truly 100% wants to be, but perhaps out of guilt or pity. And you deserve someone who is totally devoted to you.

 

You may not heed what I say here, I didn't listen to all of the advice I had read about have a girlfriend with GIGS, thinking my situation was different, but it wasn't. I listened to my heart, not my head or my gut. And it's your gut that is most often right.

 

Best of luck OP