Naive Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 I am at the point were I am going to have a nervous breakdown (no I am not going to do anything crazy) I can't hold it in any longer. As most of you know I was in a relationship with a MM who I have known for a long time and was my boyfriend when we were younger. I have recently started to talk to him again and I saw him not so long ago. I was just talking to him and he was asking me why did I leave him. He actually left his wife foe me and when he did that I left him, not because I did not love him but because of guilt. But that's not all, I also left him because I have agoraphobia so I don't live a "normal" life and I did not want to bring him into my sh*tty life under these circumstances. Of course I never told him this and I never will. He told me that his love for me was and is still real and that he never went back to his wife because regardless it was not going to work out. He said that even if i would have not been in the picture it was bound to go down. How do I explain to him that even though my heart screams stay with him i can't???? This man is the love of my life. There are no words to describe what he makes me feel. He is wonderful to me and the way that he makes my heart skip is indiscrivable. I want to be with him so bad but this is keeping me back. He thinks that all I have said is BS that once he was single I got bored. That is not the case, I love him more than he can ever imagine. He completes me and it kills me that I can't be with him even though everything else is perfect for us to be together. I read about so many OW on here who's MM tells them he is going to leave and it's pure BS and he actually did it and I can't correspond and it's all over something I have no control over!!!! Why do I have to go through this??? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 I honestly feel so horrible for you, I wish I could help you overcome this burden you've been given. I know you don't like talking about it but I have to ask...why are you uncomfortable telling him? Maybe opening up to him about it is the only thing that will free you of this burden (not your illness but the fact that the illness is holding you back from him). ???! I don't know the details of your illness but I'm sure it must be very difficult to deal with, know that we're here for you. Have you tried therapy or medication for this illness? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Aww babe, I'm giving you a hug now... Take it from me and this whole F**K'n anxiety disorder and agrophobia. It is time to tell him. I am telling you this because honestly I am at a point of really saying F IT who cares who knows and who cares what 'they' say! That is the main reason why I have kept all my anxiety in. Fear of being made fun of, losing friends and just the respect of people because of the stupid 'stigma' attached to depression and anxiety. Noone at my old work place knew that I was suffering. I was and still am VERY Good at hiding it. But....I have opened up so much more and every day it gets easier as I tell people. I am stunned, sometimes feel like crying because of all the support and kindness I got and am getting now. Some have asked me why I didn't say anything sooner. It was my comfort level. I was too ashamed to admit my problem. Now I wish I had just talked about it all waaay back when. But I can't go back, only forward. OK. You love him, he is your life, in your heart. TELL HIM. I bet you will be surprised. He will still love you and support you-no matter what. It is not up to you to decide if he can or cannot handle it. He truely loves you he will stick by you. Don't allow him to believe something else...That is not good and that eventually will eat at you. So please, open up to him and speak from your heart. He is worth it and you both deserve a real chance at happiness and making this work!! The therapy will help. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. PM me whenever you want and you have my email address- so email me as well. I can help you through this part, the whole anxiety. I know where you are because you're me about a year and a half ago. My life was more or less a mess! But a year later, into therapy and all I'm alot better....So please don't give up. Lots of hugs. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 It's unfair of you to make decisions for him. It's treating him like a child, really. Tell him and allow him to make up his own mind about what he wants to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 It's easy to tell me to tell him, but it's not that easy for me. The same thing that gives me the anxiety attacks holds me from telling him. I have not had the guts to even tell my father or my sisters, it's much worse to tell him. I cannot explain it but something holds me back, I cannot tell him or anyone else. It's too emberrassing. It's horrible. I am on the verge of tears and I still cannot do anything to make it better. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 I know exactly how you feel. I was in that same space last year this time. I had 'just' started my CBT and getting to know my therapist. It takes alot of work- but you will get there. Start off just by pretending to write him a letter. See how you feel after you've written out what you'd say to him if you could tell him tomorrow. It is easier said than done...Boy do I ever know that! GET MAD at this anxiety- fight it with anger. I do that and I tell it to F OFF! Daily! Even tonight out of the blue I had a mini anxiety attack! By the time my H got home from work i was fine. But I had him on the phone- I was walking in and out of the house to keep myself distracted and it really helped me. Just reaching out and calling someone really does make a difference. After it passed I felt so much better...Enlightened and stronger. Each time you fight it and don't give in YOU gain the power back!! Anxiety makes us low, makes us feel bad and steals our souls!! SO fight it hard! Please PM me Naive. Anytime. Lots of hugs! WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 I am going to lose the love of my life over something I have no control over. Life is a b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 How's about copying out some of your posts, pasting them into an email, and sending that? This isn't your fault. It's not under your control and therefore is nothing to be ashamed about. Link to post Share on other sites
Sky Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Hey there... I am really feeling for you. Once apon a time I also had agraphobia... it was a long time ago and I am now completely out of it. It takes a lot of guts to stretch yourself and you can only do it one little step at a time. It's probably going to be difficult if you try to tell him all at once. I think you should break it down. Don't aim to tell him everything in one conversation... tell him what is the easiest for you to communicate first. But the thing is to keep communicating even if it's going really slow. If it's easy enough to tell him that you really love him.. I would do that first. Or you might want to start off by saying that there is a reason why you can't be with him, but it's hard to discuss. Tell him you'd like to talk to him about it but it might take some time to get a bit of courage up.. and take it from there. Tell him that you're scared you'll loose him etc.. In other words... if you can't talk about the issue, talk around it for a while and it will probably make it easier. But if you can make sure he knows that he is very important to you. One thing I was thinking about which is hard to handle is that perhaps you might have (like I do) some intimacy problems. I'm not saying you do or making any judgements -- it's just that there are many ways of avoiding intimacy and having agraphobia and also dating MM are two ways of avoiding intimacy. Then when intimacy it gets difficult for you. I've been the same with my MM... when he gets really keen on me and talks about leaving his wife I don't want him, when he turns away I really miss him. It's basically gets down to a fear of getting too close to someone. I have this exact same problem which I'm trying to address and am getting a lot better -- but still have a way to go. I've been reading alot on it and it kinda helps. Best of luck with everything Sky Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Sweetie, Let yourself be happy. Dont beat yourself up over something you cant control. Let him love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Girl, I can understand now especially if you haven't even told your family. Maybe as suggested you can send an email or try writing a letter? If you're still not ready to share it with anyone then maybe just trying to get a type of help for this before you even worry about explaining anything to anyone? Like you said, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You can get better and no matter how long it takes there's no way you can give up trying! Girl you can do it..I know ya can Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Naive.. *Hugs to ya sister* I know this is so hard for you, for a lot of reasons.. BUT Girl.. loving someone can be *unconditional* and I know you're scared.. you loved him in an *unconditional* way once upon a time.. give him the same opportunity to offer you unconditional love, friendship and strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by naive_2001 It's easy to tell me to tell him, but it's not that easy for me. The same thing that gives me the anxiety attacks holds me from telling him. I have not had the guts to even tell my father or my sisters, it's much worse to tell him. I cannot explain it but something holds me back, I cannot tell him or anyone else. It's too emberrassing. It's horrible. I am on the verge of tears and I still cannot do anything to make it better. Well...you've just told us! Seriously, if you're afraid to tell him face to face, write a letter or do it via emails. You were able to post here about it...so do the same thing with him. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 HOLY s***!!!!!! I just looked up what agoraphobia is....I NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS CALLED!!!!! I apparently don't have this as bad as you do friend, and I can handle it most of the time, but I really can relate in some ways now that I understand. I have NEVER been able to handle crowds at all. I can't go on subways, can't go to concerts, can't do Christmas shopping...never knew what it was called, but I CANNOT handle crowds of people..esp in closed places. Luckily, this is something my wife has been willing to deal with me on for years. She understands...and she's ok with me staying on the edges of crowds or something when she does the shopping. Talk with him about it...you might be surprised at how he can sympathize and work with you about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by Sky One thing I was thinking about which is hard to handle is that perhaps you might have (like I do) some intimacy problems. I'm not saying you do or making any judgements -- it's just that there are many ways of avoiding intimacy and having agraphobia and also dating MM are two ways of avoiding intimacy. This not the case with me. I know him since we were small, way before I even developed agoraphobia. We were actually together before. I want to thank all of you guys for being here for me. Yesterday I was really bummed out and basically in tears all night. I feel a bit better today but I still feel sad. I hope that when I go to therapy it really helps me out. Thank you so much. It feels good to tell you all of this because I know that I can count on all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 By the way Sky, how did you get rid of your agoraphobia? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 I want to thank all of you guys for being here for me. Yesterday I was really bummed out and basically in tears all night. I feel a bit better today but I still feel sad. I hope that when I go to therapy it really helps me out. Thank you so much. It feels good to tell you all of this because I know that I can count on all of you. Wow I'm glad you know we're here for you and I'm glad to know you're feeling better. Therapy is probably a really good good idea and it could only help not hurt anymore... You have my email too so whenever you need to talk you can email me or do it here or whatever Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Thanks Barby. You have been so great with, all of you. I have made a decision. I am going to TRY to stop all contact with "L" and go back with my ex. He knows all about my phobia and he has been there for me. I know this sounds stupid but I know that it's for the best. I thought about it long and hard and I came up with this conclusion I think it's for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Also, I think that keeping contact with him reminds me of how badly I want to be with him. If stop talking to him I will have to resign myself to not being with him and eventually I will be okay with it. You cannot miss what you don't have, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 I agree that keeping in contact with him continues to stir up the old feelings, I'm sure it makes it a lot harder to walk away and never look back if you two continue to remain "friendly" you'll never be able to get over "what could have been" So you've decided you're going to go ahead and go back with your ex... Wow! I know from your posts that he has been with you and helping you non-stop and wants to be with you. (sounds like he's a good guy to have stuck by your side so long and helped you even though you two are seperated). Have you talked to him about it yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Yeah, I told him already. He is ok with it. He really looks out for me. If I continue to talk to "L" I am going to keep being reminded that I can't ever be happy with him Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 If I continue to talk to "L" I am going to keep being reminded that I can't ever be happy with him I agree...since you know now you're ready to do this the best thing you can do is just cut ALL ties with "L" so that you don't have to torture yourself anymore. Yeah, I told him already. He is ok with it. He really looks out for me. Hahahaha he's just okay with it????!!!! I figured he'd be ecstatic to know you're going back with him... Link to post Share on other sites
sadnessx2 Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 do u know how lucky you are? i would give ANYTHING to have my mm leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive Posted December 20, 2004 Author Share Posted December 20, 2004 Originally posted by sadnessx2 do u know how lucky you are? i would give ANYTHING to have my mm leave his wife. Life is so ironic, "L" wants to be with me and I can't be with him and there is other Women who want there MM to be with them and the MM does not want to Link to post Share on other sites
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