newmoon Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) i would like some opinions on this, but no judgments please! there is a man in my life i have known for 3 years. the minute we met there was a connection. i was in a serious relationship when we met, but he still pursued me relentlessly. i turned down every single advance, and there were tons of them. however, i always wanted to say yes because there is just something about him that I really like. i brokeup with my long-term bf 5 months ago, and my friend and i are still just friends, but there is obviously the opportunity for more. My friend has every character trait that I’d like in a partner/husband, and I know he’d do anything for me. i could see myself happy as his wife (and he has asked me to marry him 3 times). so, what's the problem? his looks. i am 5'9, fit and thin and really attractive, always with a bf and dates. he is 5'6, heavyset, wears glasses, is bald, and has far less experience. and he's (mostly) blind, so he can't drive at all or do certain activities because of his lack of sight (which will eventually lead to complete blindness). So that would put a burden on me, and also hinder shared activities. i like him immensely (my family does as well, and they all think i should give him a chance), but i suffer from shallowness. i'm very image conscious and would be troubled by how people perceive me if I hook up with him. So, how to overcome my own shallowness, or is something like that even possible??? Edited November 3, 2013 by newmoon Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 What things do you have in common? I think it could be overcome. The fact that you like him anyway and there is just something about him and he's not so good looking...I think that makes you less shallow than you think you are. I think you just need to overcome worrying about what other people will think. Do you think you could fall in love with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 newmoon: Well, you are image conscious and worried about what others think of you, so I guess it would depend on whether or not he would be worth it as a lover and SO to YOU. I think we all do what we want to do, and if you really want something romantic with this man then you will find a way to deal with his lack and vision impairment. I have seen people overcome shallowness and I have seen it work and not work. One colleague ended up marrying a girl who was obese and pockmarked and they have two kids and have been married for twelve years. He just realized that her heart was purer than any other woman he knew and so he gave it a shot while all the while being totally honest with her that he was going to try but he was a shallow ass. (His words, not mine.) The other one really liked a cousin of mine but he was a nerd and she was a prom queen. He loved her and would do anything for her. They dated for a year, but in the end she wanted a football player and the handsome one so she started dating my best friend in high school (who is a real nice guy too.) My nerdy cousin met a woman at Comic Con who is way more his type and they are really happy so everything worked out either way. Don't beat yourself up too much. At least you have insight to your hang-ups and you own that you are shallow. Sometimes it really comes down to how much you care for the person, and what ego you are willing to risk to find out if that person is the one for you. Good luck, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
Valen Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) My friend has every character trait that I’d like in a partner/husband So what are these character traits that you like? I would love to hear them. Also, since your friend isn't the typical hunky guy, are you physically attracted to him at all? If so, which physical feature he has that you like? My opinion on shallowness is that it's a young people's issue. As you grow old, you won't be concern about it anymore as beauty eventually fades. No one stays beautiful forever so the character matters a whole lot more. It doesn't mean looks doesn't matter but it just depends how much does it matter to you. And besides beauty is subjective, one magazine rated Scarlet Johansen as the sexiest woman alive but I don't think so. She's alright. For me personally, I think if I was the only person who thinks the person I love is beautiful, then that's awesome. That's means I have a unique taste. Edited November 3, 2013 by Valen Link to post Share on other sites
Author newmoon Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 Thank you all for your responses and insights and stories. Very good information for me to see alternative perspectives and ponder better questions. I’m mid-30s, so the shallow attiude has always been there – when you’re pretty you tend to judge others as you’re judged, or at least I always have. There is no ‘oh my gosh he’s so hot/hunky’ going on with this guy, but there is a draw. His character traits are the ones you want long-term: honesty, integrity, gratefulness, support in very bad times, friendship, caring, thoughtfulness – he has demonstrated all of those through the years, time and time again, and none of the many others I've dated have ever come close. It's like being offered things you're not used to getting and it's overwhelming in a way, and very appealing. I did agree to a proper date so we'll see if it can go from friends to more. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 His eyesight is clear.. He see's beyond the superficial. What a gift he has! May you venture that road and learn what genuine relationships are about. If for nothing else you'll learn something! Enjoy it! Link to post Share on other sites
Knucklehead1050 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 What would it hurt to give him a try? They say "Be careful who you date because you never know who you will fall in love with." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 newmoon, I am a firm believer that physical attraction is important. I am not saying a partner has to have movie-star attractiveness, but there must be some kind of spark that brings a flutter to your heart when you see them. Dating someone with the perfect personality but no spark will eventually lead to boredom and eventually pain for both of you. I don't think expecting physical attraction should be considered shallowness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beyond Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 What makes you say you would be happy to be his wife rather than just being good friends with him? I ask because It doesn't seem as though you find him physically attractive. This isn't 'shallow' of you - we all need to find our partners attractive - it's nature. As the poster above says, it doesn't mean he has to have film star looks, just that YOU find him attractive. As a litmus test, I always ask myself of a potential partner 'can I imagine ripping his clothes off'. If I can't. no matter how many wonderful qualities he has, it's no go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newmoon Posted November 11, 2013 Author Share Posted November 11, 2013 What makes you say you would be happy to be his wife rather than just being good friends with him? I ask because It doesn't seem as though you find him physically attractive. This isn't 'shallow' of you - we all need to find our partners attractive - it's nature. As the poster above says, it doesn't mean he has to have film star looks, just that YOU find him attractive. As a litmus test, I always ask myself of a potential partner 'can I imagine ripping his clothes off'. If I can't. no matter how many wonderful qualities he has, it's no go. you are right, there is an issue with the looks, hence the problem. but your point about 'ripping someone's clothes off' - well, that has been what i'm always seeking, that feeling of chemistry, but as you grow older you realize that feeling will fade and that you better have a person by your side with great qualities as opposed to great looks. that is what I am trying to do... give someone a chance I know is an amazing person despite the lack of sexual/physical chemistry (at least on my part) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beyond Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) you are right, there is an issue with the looks, hence the problem. but your point about 'ripping someone's clothes off' - well, that has been what i'm always seeking, that feeling of chemistry, but as you grow older you realize that feeling will fade and that you better have a person by your side with great qualities as opposed to great looks. that is what I am trying to do... give someone a chance I know is an amazing person despite the lack of sexual/physical chemistry (at least on my part) But it's not one or the other - amazing personal traits OR attractiveness - it's BOTH, the whole package. Of course, the strong feelings of lust you feel at the start of a relationship change and hopefully grow into a deeper love, but hell, if you don't fancy someone at the start, what hope is there. What about this man? Do you think he would be happy knowing you think he is great but aren't attracted to him? Edited November 11, 2013 by beyond Link to post Share on other sites
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