I just need to get this feeling off my chest

[burnyourlifedown]

Hi. I just need to get this feeling off my chest. My girlfriend and I just had one of our many fights. The fight was about me not being able to hear her properly during our phone conversation. I really really try to hear her voice and I get really really scared that I won't be able to. This has happened a lot of times and even during face to face conversations and the argument that ensues is usually heated. She would definitely blow up on me. I admit that sometimes I may get distracted but for the most part I just really have a hard time hearing what she just said because she usually speaks really fast like a rapper that I have a hard time catching up with her. Or maybe I really am deaf. I don't know. My girlfriend doesn't like to repeat herself even though I ask nicely. She doesn't have a lot of patience. So, she would ask me rudely if I'm deaf or stupid and she would say I'm useless and a total waste of time and cut me off because I stress her out. Is this my fault? I always hear this barrage of insults on me during our fights and honestly I feel so powerless whenever that happens. It's like everything I do will never be good enough for her. Other times she chastises me for being too emotional and clingy and then proceed to insult me. I really am trying but I feel like I'm not every time this happens. That I'm really a bad human being and that I'm really useless. My girlfriend gets really scary when she's mad. I don't want to make her mad anymore. I really don't want to stress her out. I am trying to improve myself but I don't know if I'm improving because I always seem to fail. Sometimes I truly believe I really am stupid and incompetent.

 

I have known my girlfriend for four years and we've been together for almost two years. I know she can be really scary but other times she can be so sweet and caring. It's like there are two sides of her. She's a very strong and independent person and likes for things to always go her way. She always has to be right so when things go wrong, I am the one to blame. I always suspect that she doesn't see me as her equal. I think she really sees me as someone more inferior. I also suspect that she loves it when she points out my shortcomings, which happens every time we fight. I would get really really mad at her but I cannot even express my frustrations because the fight would get absolutely worse if I fight back that I feel it's not worth it. So, I have to stifle it and just accept whatever she says without a word until it's over. I used to cry a lot when she does that but now I don't. I just feel numb sometimes.

 

So today, she is mad at me for being deaf. I was on speaker phone and she was on the other side of the room and she expects me to hear every word she said. Maybe I really am deaf. I am going to have to think of a strategy and plan ahead so she won't get mad at me. Now, I think she might ignore me again or put me on silent treatment that could last for days. Or may never contact me. And it would make me miserable. I'm sorry for rambling a lot. I just needed to let it out because I really don't have any other outlet right now.

[Downtown]

I always hear this barrage of insults on me during our fights ....My girlfriend gets really scary when she's mad. ...I know she can be really scary but other times she can be so sweet and caring. It's like there are two sides of her.

BYLD, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, temper tantrums, icy withdrawal for days, always "being right," and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic PD). If I had to guess, I would say these behaviors are closer to BPD symptoms. I say this because it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to complain -- as you do -- that they feel like they are dating someone who has "two sides" to her personality.

 

Of course, you cannot determine whether your GF's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she has most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs.

 

I therefore suggest you read about BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start is my description of them in my posts at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. If not, I suggest you read about the red flags for narcissism.

[turnera]

Your gf has mental issues, but you yourself have some issues that need working on. Go to therapy and start learning how to stand up for yourself. A mentally healthy guy would not allow her to treat him like this.

 

And read No More Mr Nice Guy. It will change your life.

[imtooconfused]

burnyourlifedown, you have clearly identified that your GF has issues. You are obviously thinking clearly to recognize her mistreatment of you, and Downtown pretty much hit the nail on the head with what is going on with her.

 

Now, I think she might ignore me again or put me on silent treatment that could last for days. Or may never contact me. And it would make me miserable.

 

But the above statement that you made makes me more concerned for you than hearing about how she treats you. It's hard for me to turn this around on you, but I really need to make you aware that it sounds like you have a bad case of co-dependency/fear of abandonment issues. I say this because most people who get yelled at would walk away and wait for that person to calm down and apologize for being angry. If that person continued to be angry, most people would break contact all together. I suspect you would do that if it were a co-worker or someone you do business with who was lashing out at you. But with your GF, you are deathly afraid of offending her and you just want to find a way to make it better so that she will remain in contact with you.

 

In the past, I was trapped by those same abandonment feelings myself and it hurt... a lot. But I came to realize that a person who would do that to me, who would treat me that way is not someone who is a positive influence in my life. Furthermore I reached the conclusion that to rely on that person for validation of myself was wrong because adequate validation would never come.

 

There are some concrete steps you can take to deal with your GF when she becomes angry. But those steps will never work until you work on your fear of her abandoning you.