What's wrong with me?

[Lizrd3000]

I'll keep it short and simple.

 

ever since I was young, I was always afraid to be abondent by my parents, thinking they did not love me.

 

for example, I continuesly asked them if they loved me and please don't leave me behind when we're shopping.

 

I once lost my parents in a market and then cried because I thought they left me there on purpose.

 

now, fastforward years later, my first relationship. I dated a girl and always had this thought in my mind that she did not love me, and was with me for different reasons.

 

also, for some reason, I'm not able to ''feel connected'' to others easily, not even my parents. I think my ex gf was the first person I really connected with. Too bad she left me.

 

I've got depression and anxiety issues, taking meds for them too. but could this be a personality disorder? and if so, which one?

 

I'd be glad to respond for more details and questions if anyone's willing to help.

 

I'm willing to go see a therapist if I got some ''ground'' to base my insecurities on. I thought I might have Borderline personality disorder, but I want to be ''sure'' before I get diagnosed, so I don't look like a complete desperate person.

 

Thank you!

[Valen]

I'll keep it short and simple.

 

ever since I was young, I was always afraid to be abondent by my parents, thinking they did not love me.

 

Why did you feel your parents did not love you? Were they not around much? Did they not play with you? Or bought you toys? Or hug you at all?

[Lizrd3000]

Why did you feel your parents did not love you? Were they not around much? Did they not play with you? Or bought you toys? Or hug you at all?

I have an older sister who is 3 years older than me.

They always made me clean our room, when the mess was 50/50. but my aunt would always help me out as she saw how unfair it was, and I'd always ask her if my mom (her sister) loved me at all.

 

My mom came from an abusive home herself, she is an amazing person, but has her flaws ofcourse. She used to threaten me she'd give me to another family if I didn't behave well.

 

My dad wasn't really around, he always worked. he's also bad at exposing his emotions, even to this day. I'm 18 years old now.

 

Later on in my early teen years, I got into a long depression (still suffering) and isolated myself into my room playing video games all day EVERY DAY. I didn't seem to care about anything at all anymore. school, friends (which I lost by then.(got them back now though)) my parents, siblings, nothing. and my parents didn't seem to bother, because they thought it was typical teen boy behaviour, as I was their first son.

 

not knowing I was suffering from depression all along, until I turned 18 and my now ex-girlfriend made me open up to my parents and tell them, my mom has been very supportive.

 

a month ago though, I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend, on ''good(?)'' terms I guess.

 

still having issues with myself, I'm curious as to what you can make of all this.

 

Sorry if it's all a bit confusing.

Thank you for your reply!

 

Edit: let's say my parents didn't know how-to-parent

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Could be borderline... do your emotions get out of control and your temper flares or you think about hurting yourself?

 

Read about avoidant personality disorder. I have both.

[Lizrd3000]

Also, it seemed like I was a bother to my parents, as if if I weren't around, everything would be better.

 

really weird, but I was also always very afraid my mom would poison my food, I just remembered this just now. lol this is weird.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Also, it seemed like I was a bother to my parents, as if if I weren't around, everything would be better.

 

really weird, but I was also always very afraid my mom would poison my food, I just remembered this just now. lol this is weird.

 

 

Dang. I'm not as learned on Schizophrenia, but I'd read about that too (if I were you).

[Lizrd3000]

Dang. I'm not as learned on Schizophrenia, but I'd read about that too (if I were you).

I have, and I'm positive I'm not schizophrenic. Those feelings were from when I was below the age of 10. Maybe I was schizophrenic at that time, but not anymore (I think?) I can't cross out anything before a diagnoses, but I'm almost certain this isn't my problem. I have abondendment issues.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder. You might be able to get a diagnosis. Mine was misdiagnosed as schizoid in the late 90's, but maybe the testing has improved since then.

 

Wikipedia has sufficient information on AvPD last time I checked.

[Lizrd3000]

Sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder. You might be able to get a diagnosis. Mine was misdiagnosed as schizoid in the late 90's, but maybe the testing has improved since then.

 

Wikipedia has sufficient information on AvPD last time I checked.

Thank you, I can relate to this alot more.

I'll make this a topic to talk about with my future therapist.

 

Again, thank you!

[AnyaNova]

I have, and I'm positive I'm not schizophrenic. Those feelings were from when I was below the age of 10. Maybe I was schizophrenic at that time, but not anymore (I think?) I can't cross out anything before a diagnoses, but I'm almost certain this isn't my problem. I have abondendment issues.

 

Obviously, none of us are qualified to diagnose. Me leaning would be to say that in the absence of any other positive type delusional, hallucination, type symptoms, and also the absence of any negative symptoms, such as catatonia, the waxy statue thing (cannot remember this symptom's actual name), or any of those, that schizophrenia isn't likely.

 

My guess would be the one thing about fearing poisoned food, would be that you were young and impressionable, and maybe somebody said something to make you think, I'll bet you were younger than you think.

 

****!

 

I just read the page about AVPD, I knew my ex had attachment issues, possibly this one, but I have this too! I am getting better with it, and have been working with it, and wouldn't get to the point that my ex did of making someone leave before they could leave me, but damn.

 

I was severely bullied by my peers in this tiny little school system (elementary, junior, and high school all in the same building with the same people) for years. Apparently that puts you at more risk.

 

There is the page, but (shoot, forgetting the name of the poster who first brought up AVPD), can you give more information about this? That is totally me. And I was going to help him fix his problems? That would have been a case of the blind leading.

Edited November 3, 2013 by AnyaNova

[Valen]

I have an older sister who is 3 years older than me.

They always made me clean our room, when the mess was 50/50. but my aunt would always help me out as she saw how unfair it was, and I'd always ask her if my mom (her sister) loved me at all.

 

My mom came from an abusive home herself, she is an amazing person, but has her flaws ofcourse. She used to threaten me she'd give me to another family if I didn't behave well.

 

My dad wasn't really around, he always worked. he's also bad at exposing his emotions, even to this day. I'm 18 years old now.

 

Later on in my early teen years, I got into a long depression (still suffering) and isolated myself into my room playing video games all day EVERY DAY. I didn't seem to care about anything at all anymore. school, friends (which I lost by then.(got them back now though)) my parents, siblings, nothing. and my parents didn't seem to bother, because they thought it was typical teen boy behaviour, as I was their first son.

 

not knowing I was suffering from depression all along, until I turned 18 and my now ex-girlfriend made me open up to my parents and tell them, my mom has been very supportive.

 

a month ago though, I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend, on ''good(?)'' terms I guess.

 

still having issues with myself, I'm curious as to what you can make of all this.

 

Sorry if it's all a bit confusing.

Thank you for your reply!

 

Edit: let's say my parents didn't know how-to-parent

 

Definitely your parent didn't know how to parent. Your mom shouldn't have said those things just to keep you behave. But I can tell she still love you. Yea it's not fair sometimes when one sibling has to do more work than the other. But that's normal. Usually the oldest or the boy in the family has to bare more work.

 

I highly encourage you to bond with your mom and dad more. Talk to your mom about relationship and stuff. I think it will help heal your heart and shake off that childhood abandonment issue for you. Once your mom and you are really close you'll feel more loved.

 

Your other issues can be overcome with more dedication toward improving your life. Go out and find a job that you are interest in. When you start succeeding out in the real world, you'll start feeling good about yourself. Then your depression will slowly fade. Don't focus too much on relationships yet, let that happen if it comes around. But focus on just finding work that you enjoy and perhaps can build a bright future.

 

You are young so there is a lot you still need to learn. Don't feel down if stuff is still confusing for you. Do you enjoy reading? If so, I recommend reading some self-improvement books or books on philosophy where it will help you look at things from new perspective. Go browse the bookstore and see if any titles interest you. Because when I was around your age, I had to deal with my depression too. Fortunately for me, I got a job at a bookstore so I was able to see so many interesting books to help me understand why I was depressed. One book that I like is "Art of Happiness". It made me realize that it was my way of thinking that made me feel bad. So I started to change and look at things from a positive perspective and help me slowly become at peace with myself and my life.

 

You are doing the right thing looking for answers to your problem. I hope you keep a positive outlook that those issues you have can be overcome. Wish you the best.