I think I'm experiencing Sudden Spousal Abandonment...

[Betrayed21]

So in February, I discovered my spouse of almost five years was having an affair (we are common-law.) Totally in love with him, thought things were great, had no idea he was unhappy at all. In January, he borrowed his mother's vehicle to go to a conference but I found out later, he had actually went to see a woman he met on a dating website. He was supposed to return on the Friday, but never showed up, never contacted us. He did contact his best friend, and the friend gave me the number he called from. On the Saturday, I left a distraught message on the answering machine (turns out it was at the home of the other woman) saying I was his girlfriend and that myself and his family were worried sick that he was missing and could whoever lived there call us back and let us know where he was. Of course, she never called, but he reappeared on the Sunday with the vehicle and no good explanation for what happened. Am I wrong to think that a decent, good person would have at least called us to tell us she knew he was safe and where he was? Am I wrong to think that at this point a decent, good person would have put an end to the relationship in this moment? Of course she didn't.

 

In February, I found out he was texting this other woman. So I texted her from my phone and said, "hi there, I'm his common-law spouse." She texted me back claiming to be completely ignorant of the fact that he was with anyone. But then she also made it clear that a common-law marriage is not the same as a real marriage and that it wasn't that big of deal beause we don't have kids. But she disappeared, and he claimed it was over. I forgave him; things went back to normal. Loving, affectionate, everything you could ever want in a spouse.

 

Then in June, on my birthday, I discover they are still in contact. She was texting him on his phone. So I texted her back "Hey still here! Still in a common law marriage" and she claimed "didn't know, he said it was over between you. He's a jerk, I don't want him" He said this time it really was over and he loved me and yadda yadda yadda. He took our car to visit family, but really went to see her. I figured it out because I checked the cell phone bill and realized there were all these texts and calls between. He came back and said "I chose you" and ended it with her. Said he didn't want to tell me where he went because I might not like it. I told him to get the hell out. He left. Turns out, she came and picked him up. He was gone for a week. I was devastated, couldn't eat, sleep or do anything. Then he said it was over with her and he wanted our life back and I was so happy.

 

About a week later, she sends me a text saying that he emailed her saying that he had left me and was living elsewhere and wanted me to confirm it. I was irate; after everything, I figured he was lying to me again. Of course, he denied sending her any email. But the damage was done, we started fighting- always about her as we never really argued for the whole time we've been together. But here's the thing... later, I was on his email account and he didn't know I was. I checked his sent messages folder. He had no idea I was on it and every message between them since January was there. There was no sent email from him saying that he wasn't with me. There were tons of messages from her trying to restart the relationship, which of course it did because I was ticked off about the message she lied about. So that was the summer. He ended it again with her, proposed and said he wanted us to try for a baby.

 

But then about 2 weeks ago, I discover she's still in the picture. More drama ensues. She tells me that my spouse is a jerk and I should kick him out and lists off all the reasons why. Talks to me as if I'M the other woman. End result: She texts me on Friday to tell me he is coming to live with her on Saturday (yesterday) and wants to make sure I'm "in the loop." He never mentioned anything. Still claimed to want to have this baby with me (I may be pregnant right now but can't know for sure for another two weeks.) I tell him, fine, you're going. He begs to stay, shows me where he's blocked her from his email. But I was strong and I told him I was sick of all this drama and I don't want her contacting me anymore. And I can't take this stress anymore. So I drove him to the bus and that I didn't want to see him ever again unless he's willing to stop cheating and that it's really done with her. And I know I should have probably said I didn't want him back ever, but the hard thing is that he is the love of my life. I have never lived with anyone before, and even though we don't have the piece of paper that says we are married, I took our commitment to mean forever. I thought he did too. We always get along so well, and he is the first and only guy I ever felt like I could truly be myself around. He is my best friend. And I can't understand why he did this. He says it was because I was so busy at work that I wasn't around and that's why he sought out this other woman (who incidentally has the same name as me) and that he is sorry for what he did. He says none of this is my fault and takes full responsibility. But if he is truly sorry, why didn't he end it and make things right? I really feel that if he had ended it and really ended it, that we could have got through this.

 

And the best part of all: this other woman has kids and had a husband who left HER for another woman about a year ago.

 

Now I'm sitting here in our former home devastated, crying and feeling like I can't ever go on and wondering if I did the right thing?

[CarrieT]

With all due respect to your thread title, your spousal abandonment is far from sudden.

 

The writing seems to be on the wall that he has checked out of your relationship and it is time for you to move on as well.

[Balzac]

The consolation prize baby. Yeah. That's a sale on spoiled milk.

[Betrayed21]

Carrie T: You're absolutely right. I should change that... it isn't sudden. But why would he be with me and be affectionate, and say he loves me and wants to have a baby and then keep carrying on this affair?

 

He has only met her in person 4 times; she lives 10 hours away from us. The whole thing was mostly online???? Why wouldn't she just move on? And find someone closer?

[Tayla]

pregnant, another women and common law marriage( good luck proving that one in the US even the states that carry it have strict guidelines- Did you file your taxes as married? ).....Sounds like a book I just read.

 

Get into a support group, you will thank folks later....

[Oberfeldwebel]

How many times does he have to lie and cheat for you to get the message. He is a liar and a cheater, that's what he does. The OW is irrelevant, it is not about her, it is all about him and his selfish desires. That is just who he is and the sooner you divest yourself of this person, the sooner you can get on to a loving relationship. I wish you all the best.

[Betrayed21]

He's been emailing me, begging me to let him come back home...

 

I haven't responded. I want him to come home. But I'm afraid if I let him, that it will be back to cheating and lying again.

 

Why is it so hard to walk away?

[Mount]

This is the only thing that those WS know to do, begging, fake crying, and of course lying.... Nothing new about it at all.

 

You know he will do it again, you surely know it.

 

He's been emailing me, begging me to let him come back home...

 

I haven't responded. I want him to come home. But I'm afraid if I let him, that it will be back to cheating and lying again.

 

Why is it so hard to walk away?

[Yasuandio]

This is the only thing that those WS know to do, begging, fake crying, and of course lying.... Nothing new about it at all.

 

You know he will do it again, you surely know it.

 

Don't forget the classics:

 

1. "I hope you give me one more chance, I promise it will never happen again."

 

2. "Please, give me one more chance, I love you, I can't bear to lose you you. Just let me prove myself."

 

3. "Can't you see it in your heart to give me one more chance?"

 

To get rid of him, you will have to cross the line. But sounds like you wanna keep him. After 28 years of BS and lies, my experience demonstrates that these irregularities only become more frequent, and secret. Try not to be an idiot like I was. My nose was in books all the time, or I was always involved in a project. I didn't realize the obvious. Yas

[trippi1432]

He's been emailing me, begging me to let him come back home...

 

I haven't responded. I want him to come home. But I'm afraid if I let him, that it will be back to cheating and lying again.

 

Why is it so hard to walk away?

 

Hun, you're man is a player, pure and simple. This OW feels she is more important and has an anchor in his life just like you....why? Hmm, let's see.....because his heart is so huge that he could love two women so much, promising you both the world at the same time. That's a MAN alright...<rolls eyes....> Unless you are into Polygamy...time to respect yourself and walk away.

 

Now I'm going to say something that might get me slapped, but for you, I hope you are not preggers. Why? Because it won't make him love you more than her...he isn't capable. So what about this woman...have you ever thought that you deserved better than to be treated like this? Having his kid won't net you anything with a man like this.

 

Today, he is the only thing you want in your life, best friend. Twenty-four years later my exH told me I was the only person who truly understood him and was his best friend and I was like WTF?? (of course hurting me by knocking up another woman and screwing all of my friends was "water under the bridge" but he was sorry for me raising our daughter alone). It really took him that long to feel the same way I felt...that many years and two marriages and six kids under his belt that he doesn't really know or care about. His d*ck isn't made of Gold and until you respect yourself no man who does deserve you will ever respect you either.

 

There will be better "best friends", men who really love you and care about your well-being when you learn to care about YOU. Let her "WIN"....then grab the popcorn and watch the movie.

[CarrieT]

Carrie T: You're absolutely right. I should change that... it isn't sudden. But why would he be with me and be affectionate, and say he loves me and wants to have a baby and then keep carrying on this affair?

Because you are letting him.

[2sunny]

Carrie T: You're absolutely right. I should change that... it isn't sudden. But why would he be with me and be affectionate, and say he loves me and wants to have a baby and then keep carrying on this affair?

 

He has only met her in person 4 times; she lives 10 hours away from us. The whole thing was mostly online???? Why wouldn't she just move on? And find someone closer?

 

Because he is a liar and a cheater! Worse than that he knows you're being his doormat!

 

Have some self respect and don't ever communicate with him again - he's a complete jerk!

 

Why haven't you thrown him out? Should have been back in Feb!

[Betrayed21]

Now I'm going to say something that might get me slapped, but for you, I hope you are not preggers. Why? Because it won't make him love you more than her...he isn't capable. -posted by trippi1432

 

Well, I wasn't trying to have a baby with him to keep him. And that's why I took him to the bus. I'm 37 and may not have another chance to have a child, so I would rather have it and raise it on my own. He made his choice, right? I don't want him to stay with me because I'm pregnant. I would want him to stay because he loves me and only me and because he wants to.

 

Everything everyone has said is right. It's just hard because we had such a great life together up until this point.

[RightThere]

Carrie T: You're absolutely right. I should change that... it isn't sudden. But why would he be with me and be affectionate, and say he loves me and wants to have a baby and then keep carrying on this affair?

 

They do that because they want everything. My STBXW would do the same thing. I was the ideal father and provider. She just found other people to fulfill the other parts of her life. It's because they are selfish and would rather fulfill all their own needs instead of putting effort in to fulfill anyone elses.

[Betrayed21]

He is emailing me and saying he will do whatever I want him to and be completely transparent; he'll do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. He says it was all a mistake and he knew it all along. But that he understands if I can't do it. I want to believe him; but how can I? He says he didn't want to go there but I made him take the bus there and I did... how can I be sure though if I take him back, that he will?

Edited November 4, 2013 by Betrayed21
Forgot to add one thing

[RightThere]

He is emailing me and saying he will do whatever I want him to and be completely transparent; he'll do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. He says it was all a mistake and he knew it all along. But that he understands if I can't do it. I want to believe him; but how can I? He says he didn't want to go there but I made him take the bus there and I did... how can I be sure though if I take him back, that he will?

 

What is much worse about your situation is that he met this girl on a dating website. I.E. He was seeking out another woman to cheat on you with. It wasn't something that just happened between co-workers or friends. I'd be willing to bet that this isn't the only other woman as well.

 

You need to keep him at a distance for a while, regardless of which way you go. If you wait a few months and he been well behaved, maybe you look at accepting him back. But he's kept the relationship going while telling you multiple times it was over. Don't assume this one is different.

[Mr. Lucky]

He says he didn't want to go there but I made him take the bus there and I did... how can I be sure though if I take him back, that he will?

B21, you've received every indication from this man - subtle and overt, direct and indirect, actions and words - that he won't be faithful to you.

 

Why do you have such a hard time accepting that ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

He is emailing me and saying he will do whatever I want him to and be completely transparent; he'll do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. He says it was all a mistake and he knew it all along. But that he understands if I can't do it. I want to believe him; but how can I? He says he didn't want to go there but I made him take the bus there and I did... how can I be sure though if I take him back, that he will?

 

big deal transparent, transp is standard honesty, not a revelation or favour, I would want a romantic holiday, not more convos, tell him what you want, what would really be great, I would watch for a few signs of sacrifice, yup, and real contrition

 

he can not just apologise his way back to your good books, embarrassed naughty children do that

 

this is if you can not let him go

Edited November 4, 2013 by darkmoon

[Betrayed21]

Thank you, Cory, for your kind words.

 

You're right, he does need help. And I have made a list for him. I want him to get help, and obviously, full transparency, and some other things. I think he is bipolar because it runs in his family and he sometimes gets very hyper and when he does, he starts binge drinking. That usually goes on for a few days. I think he met the OW because he was in one of his states and on a binge, and since January, he goes into these states much more frequently. So if he were to come back, he would need to get help for it. I know everyone has been saying he's a liar and a cheater and a player, but I think he has a mental illness. And maybe I should just walk away and forget about him, but I've known him most of my life. We dated in junior high, then we lost touch and later found each other again. More than anything, I just want him to get help. Maybe this whole thing is the kick in the bum he needs to get the help.

[Clay]

Thank you, Cory, for your kind words.

 

You're right, he does need help. And I have made a list for him. I want him to get help, and obviously, full transparency, and some other things. I think he is bipolar because it runs in his family and he sometimes gets very hyper and when he does, he starts binge drinking. That usually goes on for a few days. I think he met the OW because he was in one of his states and on a binge, and since January, he goes into these states much more frequently. So if he were to come back, he would need to get help for it. I know everyone has been saying he's a liar and a cheater and a player, but I think he has a mental illness. And maybe I should just walk away and forget about him, but I've known him most of my life. We dated in junior high, then we lost touch and later found each other again. More than anything, I just want him to get help. Maybe this whole thing is the kick in the bum he needs to get the help.

 

I do understand what you are going through. Sure it is different for everyone but what you are seeing is not red flags. Those flags were shown along time ago and you for what ever reason chose to ignore them. While it may be more difficult to walk away consider what I am about to say. I married my xWW 16 Years ago. I knew her from childhood. My mom and her family were all friends. They grew up together as well. So when we married both familys were pleased. She had lots of red flags that I thought i could ignore. She had cheated on other guys. I did all the well I can help her things that everyone tries to do. My marriage was not built on love it was built on a lie. She cheated more times than I choose to say. Not all were PA but to be honest the lies are so thick I will never know. I did have two children with her. I recently did a DNA to make sure they were mine. My marriage ended when I caught her again. Nothing either side of the family could do or say change her. You can hope and dream he will be better but in the end you know the truth. Its sad. Its hard but you do deserve better. Your Young and there are alot of great guys out there wanting what you are offering.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[Betrayed21]

I know he didn't cheat on me before this because of phone bills, email records, etc... And we are together all of the time. It was only since this started going on that he had the phone bill switched to online, so he could be the only one to access it. I should have seen that as a red flag I guess, but I didn't. I just thought he was being eco-friendly and saving paper. And as long as it was being paid, I wasn't concerned or thinking that he was trying to hide something from me. Why would I?

[RightThere]

I wasn't concerned or thinking that he was trying to hide something from me. Why would I?

 

Because when you marry someone, you give them your trust.

 

Don't feel bad for giving it to them and also don't feel responsible for their abuse of it.

[trippi1432]

Now I'm going to say something that might get me slapped, but for you, I hope you are not preggers. Why? Because it won't make him love you more than her...he isn't capable. -posted by trippi1432

 

Well, I wasn't trying to have a baby with him to keep him. And that's why I took him to the bus. I'm 37 and may not have another chance to have a child, so I would rather have it and raise it on my own. He made his choice, right? I don't want him to stay with me because I'm pregnant. I would want him to stay because he loves me and only me and because he wants to.

 

Everything everyone has said is right. It's just hard because we had such a great life together up until this point.

 

Betrayed - I commend you on this post and I understand you are just in the early stages of grieving, perhaps for the last time considering this has been going on a while. It's not wrong to have loved him or still love what you had together, it means you are human and capable of creating love.

 

I will tell you what I have learned after going through something very similar myself, there will come a day when you will realize that the love you have for someone who can hurt you so much, is the love you will give to yourself. When that comes, he will have no power in hurting you. I still remember when that moment came for me.....he knocked up the girl he had been cheating with for three years and begged me to take him back....for the fifth time. He had no idea that I knew about the pregnancy after he left in the middle of the night leaving a note on the table. That was the last straw, I loved me and our 3 year old daughter more than I could even channel another ounce of love for him after all the abuse my heart could take anymore. I never felt one ounce of regret for not giving him (yet) another chance.....there is a saying that once a woman is done...she is done, but for some who love deeply (like you do) we take on more than our fair share by loving too much and forgetting our own well-being.

 

Every story is different, some have happy endings...mine is and will be different than yours obviously, it's very similar, but the outcome is up to you and what you decide and whether or not he can be a stand up guy.....and whether or not you can ever feel that you could trust him again. You posted in another thread, you can only control you, this is very true. Part of controlling you is also setting your boundaries and you did that by taking him to the bus station, do NOT feel guilt about that. You are allowed to have boundaries, cheaters try to parse them every time and make you feel guilty. That's just what they do and you cannot fix or control that.

 

For my cheater, I stopped....I raised our daughter without him, he never wanted to take part in her life until she was in her teens (she was 3 when he abandoned us the last time). His second marriage busted up because his second wife cheated on him (he's not even sure now if his youngest daughter is his). As to the girl he knocked up, he abandoned her too and she put the baby up for adoption. They say what comes around goes around....the only control you have is to move on with your life sometimes and put you first. There is nothing wrong in quitting a cheater, even when he was your hero, your best friend and your high school sweetheart. These things give them no rights to abusing your heart or your love for them.

[Clay]

I know he didn't cheat on me before this because of phone bills, email records, etc... And we are together all of the time. It was only since this started going on that he had the phone bill switched to online, so he could be the only one to access it. I should have seen that as a red flag I guess, but I didn't. I just thought he was being eco-friendly and saving paper. And as long as it was being paid, I wasn't concerned or thinking that he was trying to hide something from me. Why would I?

 

Betrayed,

 

I do understand when you say you did not expect him to hide anything. I don't think most decent people do expect or even wonder about it. Most people think life is good and they spend there time focusing on doing better things and building apon the relationship. Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship. I know for me there was the concern about our children. Why would she keep putting me and them at risk. I tried so many times just to have calm talks with her about just moving on and making herself happy since she was not happy with me. She begged and begged to keep us going. All the while she was cheating. Who knows really what people think when they are doing those messed up things. I will never really understand but I can tell you this. I am 43 and I will never be with a woman that is a cheater. I have remarried since and my wife is very honest and open she understand my past but she also understands that our marriage is build on trust. We talk every day. We even discuss the hard issues. I find this to be very healthy for me and moving on with my own trauma I have experienced. I can tell you this its better to be with someone that loves just you. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[Misadventure]

Please listen to Trippi and many on here. No one can live your life but you but at some point you need to ask yourself if you deserve better and if you can ever fully trust him again. You will always be looking for the other shoe to drop.