Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Betrayed - I commend you on this post and I understand you are just in the early stages of grieving, perhaps for the last time considering this has been going on a while. It's not wrong to have loved him or still love what you had together, it means you are human and capable of creating love. I will tell you what I have learned after going through something very similar myself, there will come a day when you will realize that the love you have for someone who can hurt you so much, is the love you will give to yourself. When that comes, he will have no power in hurting you. I still remember when that moment came for me.....he knocked up the girl he had been cheating with for three years and begged me to take him back....for the fifth time. He had no idea that I knew about the pregnancy after he left in the middle of the night leaving a note on the table. That was the last straw, I loved me and our 3 year old daughter more than I could even channel another ounce of love for him after all the abuse my heart could take anymore. I never felt one ounce of regret for not giving him (yet) another chance.....there is a saying that once a woman is done...she is done, but for some who love deeply (like you do) we take on more than our fair share by loving too much and forgetting our own well-being. Every story is different, some have happy endings...mine is and will be different than yours obviously, it's very similar, but the outcome is up to you and what you decide and whether or not he can be a stand up guy.....and whether or not you can ever feel that you could trust him again. You posted in another thread, you can only control you, this is very true. Part of controlling you is also setting your boundaries and you did that by taking him to the bus station, do NOT feel guilt about that. You are allowed to have boundaries, cheaters try to parse them every time and make you feel guilty. That's just what they do and you cannot fix or control that. For my cheater, I stopped....I raised our daughter without him, he never wanted to take part in her life until she was in her teens (she was 3 when he abandoned us the last time). His second marriage busted up because his second wife cheated on him (he's not even sure now if his youngest daughter is his). As to the girl he knocked up, he abandoned her too and she put the baby up for adoption. They say what comes around goes around....the only control you have is to move on with your life sometimes and put you first. There is nothing wrong in quitting a cheater, even when he was your hero, your best friend and your high school sweetheart. These things give them no rights to abusing your heart or your love for them. WOW. That is seriously messed up. I understand a relationship failing but the kids being walked away from. When my wife cheated that last time I threw her out and kept the kids. There is no way in this world I would not want to be with my kids. Someone would have to just end my life. My kids are everything to me. My son's sixteenth birthday is the 14th of this month. I cant wait. I am almost more excited than he is I am sure. I am going crazy trying to figure out what to give him. What will be that special thing that will show him I am proud and he is becoming a man. I have thought about a really nice knife but he does have a problem with anger so I am trying to figure out something else. Sorry for jacking the thread. Trip I hope all is going well for you and your daughter. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betrayed21 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 He called me last night. It was the first time we've spoken since I took him to the bus. He sounded really sad. I asked him where the OW was and he said she went out to dinner with clients and left him home to babysit her kids. Said he wants to come home still and wanted to know if I'd be willing to come pick him and his stuff up. I want to, but I worry that it'll be more of the same. He says he learned his lesson and things will be different, that he'll go get help and do whatever I want him to do if he can only come home. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 He called me last night. It was the first time we've spoken since I took him to the bus. He sounded really sad. I asked him where the OW was and he said she went out to dinner with clients and left him home to babysit her kids. Said he wants to come home still and wanted to know if I'd be willing to come pick him and his stuff up. I want to, but I worry that it'll be more of the same. He says he learned his lesson and things will be different, that he'll go get help and do whatever I want him to do if he can only come home. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be with her still. Sorry to beat a dead horse, but if you take him back , he won't change and will keep abusing you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Might want to take a break talking to him. I can't imagine how hard hearing him say he wanted to come home. It was always difficult for me dealing with my xW being in my ear. I wished I had found this site along time ago. It sure would have helped. There are a lot of amazing people on here. Just do what you feel is best for you. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betrayed21 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) He said he was taking the bus to his brother's house today; it's about 2 hours from her place and that the bus didn't leave until 5 today. He wants me to pick him up there on the weekend and then both of us go to her house and get all of his things. Edited November 5, 2013 by Betrayed21 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 He said he was taking the bus to his brother's house today; it's about 2 hours from her place and that the bus didn't leave until 5 today. He wants me to pick him up there on the weekend and then both of us go to her house and get all of his things. Convenient. "I was totally going to do all this stuff before I called you, but since I've got you on the phone, can you come and pick me up? I've got some other promises for future things I probably won't keep." I apologize because I know how much love hurts. But you need serious time away from this guy so he can be judged by his actions, and not his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 He said he was taking the bus to his brother's house today; it's about 2 hours from her place and that the bus didn't leave until 5 today. He wants me to pick him up there on the weekend and then both of us go to her house and get all of his things. I would seriously be careful. People these days do really stupid things. I just never had it in me to do that. When I found out my xWW was spending with the OM and had been to his house it was done for me. I just went home and of course found more bad things and kicked her out. She didn't leave with anything. Her family came some days later and did not take much. I threw everything else out and walked away. I kept the kids and we moved on with our lives. Just be safe. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betrayed21 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 Okay, well, last Thursday, he broke up with her on the phone and I heard the conversation. He showed me where she was blocked and gave me his email password so I could see all of their conversations. There were none. Then on Friday, she started calling our house at 8am when I was leaving for work. When I got home, there were 19 more times on the Caller ID where she had called. Then she texted me and told me he was leaving me the next day (Saturday) and wanted to make sure I was "in the loop." When I confronted him, he said he didn't know what I was talking about and that he didn't want to go but I told him he was. I kicked him out. He still says he never wanted to go there in the first place, but I made him go. I told her he was on the bus on Saturday en route to her and to have a nice life. But I still wanted him back then. But I felt like she would never go away so it was better to have him leave than have the drama of her constantly texting me and emailing me. My worry with doing this, if I do go to his brother's to get him this weekend, and then we go and get his stuff, is having to go there and have a confrontation with this woman. She doesn't seem stable at all, and I worry about it. She already threw him out of a moving car once, so I think she is nuts. More nuts than my bi-winning spouse (ex-spouse) - still not sure about what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Okay, well, last Thursday, he broke up with her on the phone and I heard the conversation. He showed me where she was blocked and gave me his email password so I could see all of their conversations. There were none. Then on Friday, she started calling our house at 8am when I was leaving for work. When I got home, there were 19 more times on the Caller ID where she had called. Then she texted me and told me he was leaving me the next day (Saturday) and wanted to make sure I was "in the loop." When I confronted him, he said he didn't know what I was talking about and that he didn't want to go but I told him he was. I kicked him out. He still says he never wanted to go there in the first place, but I made him go. I told her he was on the bus on Saturday en route to her and to have a nice life. But I still wanted him back then. But I felt like she would never go away so it was better to have him leave than have the drama of her constantly texting me and emailing me. My worry with doing this, if I do go to his brother's to get him this weekend, and then we go and get his stuff, is having to go there and have a confrontation with this woman. She doesn't seem stable at all, and I worry about it. She already threw him out of a moving car once, so I think she is nuts. More nuts than my bi-winning spouse (ex-spouse) - still not sure about what to do. Well If I was you I would make him figure out his own way to come home. It sounds like you have good reason not to be arround. Maybe I watch to many of those Investigation Discovery shows and it has warped my mind. I would just he cautious. Trust is something I don't give out easily. I would not trust her at all. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betrayed21 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 I don't trust her at all. I don't know which one of them is the bigger liar at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Okay, well, last Thursday, he broke up with her on the phone and I heard the conversation. He showed me where she was blocked and gave me his email password so I could see all of their conversations. There were none. Then on Friday, she started calling our house at 8am when I was leaving for work. When I got home, there were 19 more times on the Caller ID where she had called. Then she texted me and told me he was leaving me the next day (Saturday) and wanted to make sure I was "in the loop." When I confronted him, he said he didn't know what I was talking about and that he didn't want to go but I told him he was. I kicked him out. He still says he never wanted to go there in the first place, but I made him go. I told her he was on the bus on Saturday en route to her and to have a nice life. But I still wanted him back then. But I felt like she would never go away so it was better to have him leave than have the drama of her constantly texting me and emailing me. My worry with doing this, if I do go to his brother's to get him this weekend, and then we go and get his stuff, is having to go there and have a confrontation with this woman. She doesn't seem stable at all, and I worry about it. She already threw him out of a moving car once, so I think she is nuts. More nuts than my bi-winning spouse (ex-spouse) - still not sure about what to do. Granted, perhaps she is nuts, perhaps she takes delight in being able to manipulate your SO from you so easily because (as much as he says it's over with her, he doesn't want to be there, he had no choice)....it's obviously not over as he was at her house watching her kids, he does want to be there as that is where he went after he got off the bus and he does have choices, even if one of those is sleeping on the doorstep until you take him back (his brother's is a choice as well, so why was he at this woman's house and why is his stuff there?) It's so easy to blame the OW, too easy, and that is where you need to look at the entire situation before you turn it on yourself and start blaming you as I've seen him blame you a few times already. (You were at work all the time, he had to go to her as you left him no choice.) Please do not let him off the hook so easy and go "rescue" him from his own conscience decisions. If you were the one cheating, how do you think he would treat you? Also, think to raising a child in that environment. If he is going to continue to make the relationship rocky and create drama and turmoil with this OW, how is that going to affect raising a child? If he can't even take responsibility (and that does not mean just 'saying' he was wrong, it means he really, truly knows that what he did caused harm to you, the stability of the relationship and even his own integrity as a man who should be taking care of his family (or future family). He doesn't need to beg forgiveness or be under your scrutiny for the rest of his life, he needs to step up and quit being morally weak. The OW doesn't make him this man, he does and needs to be accountable for it. It's not a "power thing", it's standing up for yourself and knowing that you deserve to be loved and not a doormat because the only way you will ever be able to respect him and move forward without sweeping it under the rug, is to not give in to his begging.....if you do this too quickly as you have done before, the results will still just be the same. He does have choices...respect yourself and don't be the easy one....the Fallback Girl, the dependable one. A good man with a kind heart and morals deserves that loyalty. Believe me Betrayed...I do understand, your heart is big, your love for him huge, but that does not fix a morally corrupt man, a woman cannot change a man, it's the love he has for the woman that makes him change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Let him stay there a long while = she may torture him. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I agree with Trippi. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
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