Abused 30 years ago and trying to deal with it

[Sky]

Hi there.

 

This is really hard for me to write because it’s something that until very recently I’ve never even admitted to myself.

 

I was sexually abused as a child.

 

It seems strange to admit it because basically for all of my life I had somehow been denying it to myself. Over the years I had a few boyfriends and knew other people who had been sexually abused but I never saw myself as a victim of it (although I was a victim of a lot of emotional and physical abuse for which I've had a lot of counselling for). I didn’t know why my friends or boyfriends wouldn’t get any help for it but now I see that at least they were admitting it to themselves. I never have, until now, 30 years later.

 

Here’s what happened. My mother was in a mental institute… she threw herself out of a slow moving car. I was on holidays down at my great grandmother’s house with my father and brother. We went to the beach with my dad… then my dad took me into the shower. I was maybe four or 5 years old or something. My father washed me all over. After my father finished washing me on the outside he wanted to wash me on the inside. He was asking me why ‘mommy’ didn’t wash me on the inside and explained that sand could get up inside of me and needed to be washed out. I think he was already fondling my genital area – I can’t quite remember. Then suddenly as he persisted I just let out this huge scream… and ‘stop it daddy’.. It must have almost shook the house down. My father jumped out of the shower and looked ashamed and embarrassed and said something about great grandmother hearing me scream.

 

I remember being dazed and confused afterwards. He never tried it again.

 

Years later when I was about 10 or 12 years old I remember going through a lot of difficulties trying to deal with it. I remember for a few years I tried to come to terms with what happened. In the end I decided that my father must have made a mistake and he didn’t know that you don’t wash little girls down there. I subsequently just forgot about it. But as an adult I can see things differently.

 

With my mum so mentally ill he was my primary care giver. I had no choice but to forgive and love him as if nothing had happened. I still love my dad heaps…

 

Also -- When I was a teen my uncle fondled by breasts in front of my entire family, including his wife, my aunt on a number of occasions even though I was trying desperately to get away. I really wish someone had of stood up to him!!!! I can’t believe that none of the adults in the room stood up to him to stop it. That uncle gives me the creeps and I’m glad he’s no longer in the family.

 

Now I look back on my life and I can see that I’ve been involved with all sorts of abusive men. The main problem is my ability to forgive just about anything. I forgive lies and untrustworthy behavior. With one boyfriend I even slept with my wallet under my pillow. All they need to do is say sorry or something and I just melt again…

 

I’m an attractive woman in my late 30’s with a lot of love to give. I’d love to be in a great relationship and have some children. My life has been full of so much conflict an misery.. I now realise that some of it has been because of all these unresolved issues. I’d really like to sort myself out so I can move on.

 

Sky

[moimeme]

It's a worthy ambition and best not tackled alone. Call your local abuse hotline and ask for names of good therapists in your area. A competent therapist will help you overcome this without further traumatizing you.

[Scream]

Hi Sky

 

 

It's never to late to seek help.

 

I was abused when I was 10 years old while in hospital. I am in my thirtys now and I have just seeked help myself. Maybe like you, I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares.

 

The bad memories never go away but you learn how to bury them and maybe trust again.

 

I havn't yet found a man that I can trust and I would like to have kids but every time a relationship goes past the kissing/cuddle stage I freeze.

 

Hope you seek help. Let me know how you are doing.

 

Stay safe.

 

Try and have a merry xmas

 

Luv Scream X

[helena abadi]

Really, really sorry to hear about what happened to you. And you are not alone. Your readiness to forgive just about anything, including lies and untrustworthy behaviour is connected to the part of you that doesn't believe you deserve any better.

 

What happened with your father? You felt you had no choice but to forgive his betrayal? He betrayed your trust on a very fundamental level at a vulnerable time in your life when your mother had already let you down.

 

I think you are reliving this over and over again in your relationships with men. You feel like you have no choice but to forgive, coz you don't want to be abandoned.

 

Sounds like you got let down by your mum and your dad. And you feared being abandoned. Any child will feel like this.

 

As for the uncle, what a slimeball. It made me so angry to read about it. He betrayed your trust too. You have been badly let down by two key male figures in your life. As a result, you are choosing men who are not trustworthy.

 

Men who sexually abuse children rarely show remorse and most often find what they believe to be valid excuses for their transgressions. They are not aware of the trauma they cause. And remember, they don't give a damn.

 

Do get help. Or you will probably continue to repeat these patterns all your life. Good counselling should be able to help you develop new skills in forming healthier relationships. And it will improve your self-esteem.

 

It's OK to be angry with your father, it's OK to be angry with the uncle. It's part of acknowledging your pain and the recovery process.

 

This is really life-shattering stuff and it needs to be dealt with.

 

From across the globe I send you a hug of empathy and sympathy.

[helena abadi]

Moimeme is right, good counselling should not retraumatise you. Those who make you repeatedly relive the experience to find out How Did You Feel, are not to be recommended. Methods for dealing with childhood sexual abuse have improved over the years, and maybe you need to shop around.

 

If the other family members did not stop your uncle, then it sounds like you've been let down by a lot of key adult figures in your life who should have been keeping you safe, and they did not.

 

Good luck. Thanx for sharinig your experience.

[Eugenie57]

I read your story and it moved me, but I don't think it was soo bad. I mean, what you went through was horrible, you were only 5 years old or so. But think of it this way: You weren't raped. Your dad didn't have sex with you. And you yelled really loud and that put a stop to it. You were powerful enough to let him know that he was never to do that to you again. And it didn't from that point on. I mean, the experience is weird and shameful. But you aren't the one who should feel guilt or shame. Its them. Their the weirdos. Your dad has issues. But don't let this cripple your life. And if your ever see your uncle again I would tell him he gives you the creeps esp when he fondled your breasts in front of everyone it just showed on what a pig he is. You should have no shame at all regarding this matter. Your stronger than you think you are, and if your father or uncle is ever mean to you just remind them of these incidences to shut them the hell up. Your 30 years old and life will continue to go on. Your happiness is up to you.

[jmargel]

Honestly, as a guy. Cleaning the 'inside' isn't what I would regard as something sexual. Especially if he never did that to you before or afterwards. Women do get sand up there and it could lead to an infection if not cleaned out.

 

I wasn't there, so I can't say for sure but I don't think your dad had any intentions of sexually abusing you. I think he may have been concerned about your health and as him being a guy he might not know the best way to go about that kind of situation.

 

As for your uncle, that was wrong. I would imagine everyone was in shock when that happened. I would think something was said to him afterwards, I hope.

[helena abadi]

There is a common misconception that if abuse doesn't involve rape, then hey, it's ''not soo bad''. Eugenie57 is woefully, appallingly misinformed.

 

ANY sexual behaviour from an adult towards a child is a CRIME and it is traumatizing.

 

The fact that the child is able to say no, does not minimize the trauma that it happened. The abuse of power and trust has already happened.

 

The fact is the woman who posted this, is still deeply affected by what happened to her, and it is crystal clear in her relationship patterns. She does not have power in abusive relationships to say NO.

 

What happened was not her fault. But she does feel shame. Saying her abusers should feel guilt and shame is irrelevant. They don't. Period. Should is a meaningless word of others' expectations.

 

Maybe her father felt guilt and shame and that's why he didn't do it again. But we don't know that.

 

Confronting one's abusers is very difficult, and for many victims of abuse, damn near impossible. It is a re-traumatizing experience in itself.

 

The abusers often deny anything happened anyway, or they minimize and try to offset the blame. And extended family members may also be in denial. One of the reasons this issue is so difficult to resolve in families is because of the conspiracy of silence.

 

The victim feels shame, the abuser may threaten the child not to tell and often it's too horrible for relatives to deal with.

 

Children are the first not to be believed in this situation. Especially if there are no obvious signs of physical trauma.

[alicia24]

I sympathize with you, but like others have said, it does not sound so horrible that you cant get on with life. I'm an adult survivor of child abuse and let me tell you that I wish what happened to you is all that happened to me. Seek therapy, talk to family that you trust. Do not hold your feelings inside. It will just eat at you. And be prepared to relive these episodes everyday. That is one thing that I know will never go away. You cant erase memories, but you can learn to deal with them. Good luck, and remember there are people out there who have it worse and try not to dwell on your misfortune.

[Moose]

Sky,

 

I know how you feel. I've been through similiar.....I won't go into detail. My thing was that I couldn't figure out why me. Why me?

 

I figured it out one day when I volunteered to help out a homeless family. The daughter was molested by her father and I was the only man who could reach her. She wouldn't talk, look or have anything to do with men, at all. When I told her my story, she opened up to me and we were able to lean on each other. It happened to me so that I could reach others in the same situation.

 

I hope that helps. A lot of times, our sorrows are mainly because we wonder what was wrong with me that I got took advantage of.

[duckrodgers]

Hello

 

This is my story, I don't want to trigger other survivors memories off..? hope this does not offend anyone as this is my frist time on these forums.

 

 

My abuse started at 4 or 5 years old while fosterd out, I remember violence and other stuff that accured. My mother did say,"something did happen thats why I took you back".

 

I came home where I encounterd my brother, as time past on my mother landed a job at the local pub working nights. My brother was 10 years old he had to look after me. He beat me reguarly and left me in the dark lonley house, it was dark, horrible and lonley. My place of hiding was under the sofa.

 

Once he brought a girl home where he made me do things, this went on for 2 years.

 

Mother met this new man, thought he would protect me, he did to a certian extent and got rid of my brother(he was 12).

 

My step-dad terrorized me and my mother for 14 years, with threats to kill amongst other types of abuse. My 80 year old Great Grandmother was beaten by the same man.

 

At 11 years old I had to share a bedroom with my 80 year Senile Grandmother. Boy, this was humiliating for me, seeing her use the commode, then I could hear him coming up the stairs.

 

I ecaped in 1998, thats when he died.....we are still recovering to this day.