He filed for Divorce, what now?

[Saving Grace]

Hi Everyone, I am new to this whole internet forum thing but I'll try and make this brief~

 

I need some advice as you obviously all of us who come to this site. My husband and I have been together for 10 years married 5. We've had issues (minor-everyone has these) for 7 but the biggest is my affair, which has been almost the last 1 & 1/2 or so. He had forgiven me partially but I failed to show him any changes to save our marriage. Until now, but I think it is to late.

 

On friday of last week my husband very gently sat me down to tell me he filed for divorce. I am devastated, but I think I knew it was inevitable. WE have a three year old beautiful daughter who means the world to both of us, but some how I forgot that a bit and had an affair. He found out about a year ago, confronted me, I lied of course, tried only a little to try and save my marriage but (not hard enough), I struggled between two men. The one that was right all along (my husband) and the one who at least 75% of the time made me feel like who I wanted to be. He is also married and has 1 child.

 

This problem is I am 7 months pregnant, and have for the most part confessed to the affair. The little details don't really matter, I don't need to tell him everything, it will only break his heart more. He filed for divorce last week but says he will take care of everything. I am not working and he know my life has been a struggle (to many things to mention). He doesn't want this to be another struggle. He wants primary placement of our daughter and possibly our unborn child. I say possibly because in he filing he questions the paternity of this baby. He has every right to. I believe in my heart this child is his, timing is right but there is a slim chance it may not. He would like the other man to take responsibility for the child if it turns out to be his. I have however ruined my marriage and do not want to ruin his. That may not be possible.

 

I want my husband desperately to be the father of this child, not because of the divorce but because this child in my eyes was created to save my marriage. I do not want to think it was the end, I do not want my child(ren) to believe that ever.

 

My husband has been good to me, he just could never show me the romance and affection I was looking for. But he really did in all the things I couldn't see, our home, our cars, my want for nothing. Nothing but to be loved, but he did so much and I failed to see it. I do not want to fail at saving my marriage. I need your help. I'm sure there are things I have left out so if you have question I will do my best at answering them.

 

P.S. We still sleep in the same bed, kiss each other good bye and tell each other we love each other....I want to change what is as the divorce paper says irretrievably broken. He tells me this is final and that maybe in the future a reconciliation, but not now. I know he still loves me or am I just being a fool.

 

Saving Grace

[Ladyjane14]

If you're not already in individual counseling, why not consider starting it? You need to find out why you were feeling so dissatisfied in a relationship that by your own account should have been fulfilling.

 

Also, in regards to your future relationship with your husband (whatever that may be), he will need to see you taking positive steps to address the issues. Working hard in IC will help to demonstrate that.

 

He's working through some serious hurt right now. Respect that. You can't take the pain away, but you can support him while he deals with it.

 

If that means ending the marriage, then you'll need to support him it that as well. You have a child together, and possibly another on the way. No matter what happens in the marriage, you'll still have the parenting relationship. Any improvement you can make in the way the two of you interact will continue to be to the betterment of everyone involved.

 

You haven't been his friend lately. Maybe now is the time to be one. Sounds like he could use someone in his life who is willing to put him first.

 

Consider letting him be in the driver's seat on this. What do you have to lose? He already wants a divorce.

[Devildog]

Are you looking for brutal honesty? I think it might be good for you.

Originally posted by Saving Grace

We've had issues (minor-everyone has these) for 7 but the biggest is my affair, which has been almost the last 1 & 1/2 or so. He had forgiven me partially but I failed to show him any changes to save our marriage. Until now, but I think it is to late.

 

If the issues were so minor, why the affair?

 

WE have a three year old beautiful daughter who means the world to both of us, but some how I forgot that a bit and had an affair. He found out about a year ago, confronted me, I lied of course, tried only a little to try and save my marriage but (not hard enough), I struggled between two men. The one that was right all along (my husband) and the one who at least 75% of the time made me feel like who I wanted to be.

 

How do you "forget a bit" that you have a child?

 

For the past year, even after being confronted about the affair you continued having the affair? Is that correct? What efforts did you make to try to save your marriage?

 

This problem is I am 7 months pregnant, and have for the most part confessed to the affair. The little details don't really matter, I don't need to tell him everything, it will only break his heart more.

 

At what point did you confess to the affair? When he originally confronted you? When he told you he had filed for divorce? And you should answer any and all questions he asks about the affair, whether it hurts him or not. You have already hurt him as deeply as you possibly could. If he feels he needs answers, you need to be completely honest and forthcoming.

 

I say possibly because in he filing he questions the paternity of this baby. He has every right to. I believe in my heart this child is his, timing is right but there is a slim chance it may not. He would like the other man to take responsibility for the child if it turns out to be his. I have however ruined my marriage and do not want to ruin his. That may not be possible.

 

yes, he has absolutely every right to question if the child is his. And the other man should take responsibility if it his child. The OM is the one responsible for ruining his marriage as much as anyone. And a child should not be forced to suffer not having a father because the "man" isn't man enough to face up to his responsibilities and the consequences of his action. Sorry if I sound exceptionally harsh on this point, but as a father I feel very strongly about my children and would never want to see a child suffer because an adult is to chicken$#it to face the consequences of their action.

 

I want my husband desperately to be the father of this child, not because of the divorce but because this child in my eyes was created to save my marriage. I do not want to think it was the end, I do not want my child(ren) to believe that ever.

 

Children should never be conceived as a means to "save" a marriage. They should be the result of a truly loving marriage. Otherwise you are using a child to try and trap or guilt a partner into staying. That isn't fair to your husband or the child.

 

My husband has been good to me, he just could never show me the romance and affection I was looking for. But he really did in all the things I couldn't see, our home, our cars, my want for nothing. Nothing but to be loved, but he did so much and I failed to see it. I do not want to fail at saving my marriage.

 

Material things are not what a marriage is about. It has a place and some importance, but it shouldn't be everything. It is good that he was a good provider, but he needs to learn to meet your emotional needs as well. But some people have difficulty showing their love in certain ways.

 

It is good to hear that you "don't want to fail at saving your marriage". But what does that mean to you exactly? How far are you willing to go to make that a reality? Counselling is a must. Have you broken off ALL contact with the OM? Have you made an effort to try and meet his needs?

 

I need your help. I'm sure there are things I have left out so if you have question I will do my best at answering them.

 

P.S. We still sleep in the same bed, kiss each other good bye and tell each other we love each other....I want to change what is as the divorce paper says irretrievably broken. He tells me this is final and that maybe in the future a reconciliation, but not now. I know he still loves me or am I just being a fool.

 

Saving Grace

 

I have heard alot of "I want" in this post. You have to respect and consider what he wants too. I don't know because you never mentioned it, but how was your husband in the marriage? Was he a faithful, devoted and loving husband? If he gave you his full faith, love and dedication, and you betrayed that, and continued to betray that after being confronted, he is going to need alot of time to decide what he wants on his own. Was he trying to work on saving the marriage before?

 

Based on my own experience, listen well to Ladyjane's advice. She is a very knowledgeable person and can really help.

[Saving Grace]

Ladyjane14 and Devildog~

 

You are both so right. Devildog you sure sound like my husband.

 

First of all the reason I felt the need to join the forum is because my husband and I have such a long history which includes prior to the ten years together all of our friends are "our" friends. Even my brother is his best friend, and have no one to talk to objectively or no one I could talk with out feeling some extreme anxiety and I don't need that right now. My brother is by my side but is very close to my H and no matter what that will never change. Even though you are strangers to me what you say has already hit home and helped me.

 

We've had two big blow ups. The first over a year ago and the second just after I told him I was pregnant. The first blow up we talked about counseling, but since I wan't truly honest with him or myself for that matter would I have made a conscious effort? I don't think so. The day of my the blow up between my H and me is when the OM decided we should end. Alot of things did end, and I mean alot. We stopped spending time together outside the business, we very rarely called each outside the business. But because we own a business together we have contact. None of the lovey dovey stuff stayed, no hugs, no kisses, no romance, no affection, just sex and that was a rarity. I was more in love with him then he ever was with me, except for that honeymoon stage every relationship has. I was more in love with the fact that someone was paying attention to me telling me how beautiful I was and lost everything for it. My H new something was up and I confessed that I had feeling for the OM and that we had a relationship but that it was over. My H broke down but that night we seemed to understand each other, he seemed at peace with it. To my surprise it wasn't over, the OM still wanted a relationship seems more like "friends with benefits" now though.

 

We never went to counseling although we said we would, I did mention it this time and he said it's to late, he gave me several chances to change and I failed. I do need serious counseling though because I have a lifetime of issues that come up with every time I have a relationship, but that's another book entirely.

 

Your right Ladyjane he is working through some serious pain and he says the only way we will get through this is if I work w/him towards a successful divorce and being a parent to our child(dren). And yes I haven't been his friend for a very long time and I need to start! He doesn't want me to put him or us first, our daughter is his number 1 priority. He says she is who I must be strong for now. I am trying to let him be in the driver's seat.

 

As for you Devildog~ thank you for the brutal honesty keep it coming~

 

The issues were minor between the H and I but I always told him he never showed affection or romance and I needed that. My H never touched or caressed or romanced me the way the OM did. No other man has ever made me feel the way the OM did.

 

I never forgot that I had a child, I just lost so much time with her because it was more important for me to open this business have to have time with the OM. I was selfish. But I never forgot birthdays and holidays and special occasions although I know those aren't enough. I am home every evening now, I put her to bed every night, I bathe her I give her everything I can possibly give her, I am home every weekend now. I spend as much time as possible with her.

 

Yes after being confronted the affair continued but it wasn't the same like I said briefly above. Things changed but they didn't really with my husband, I still pushed him away. Was angry at him all the time.

 

The OM is a chicken S#it but I can't worry about that right now. I need to worry about my husband, my child and this child. There may come a day when I will need to worry about that. I do truly love my H and I never stopped loving him. I just fell out of being "in love" with him.

 

My H is a good provider, he was an only child and never had love in his life until his daughter came into the world. Well not at first, she was to fragile for him, but the minute she turned 1, she was his whole world and has been ever since. Even all the love and affection I showed him wasn't enough to get him to be the man he has so much potential to be.

 

I am trying to respect and consider what he wants, he wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet and doesn't want to take anything away from me or our child(ren). I understand counseling is a must, my H says that all he wants is good to come from this divorce. He wants us to make the decisions on what happens not the courts. He wants us to be good to each other and our child(ren). He wants me to stop being so selfish and to stop trying to save our marriage, he says if it was meant to be it will be, we will see those changes without even trying if they are truly there. H say that our number 1 priority is our daughters future and her needs.

 

He is a loving man and I once thought there was a possibility he was unhappy with me because I am the only woman he has ever been with. He did give me his full faith, love and dedication and I betrayed that and I don't think things will ever change. I cannot break off complete contact with th OM but like I said alot has changed and since last week Friday alot more has changed. We own a business together and my H will not let me let that fail.....I do genuinely want to save my marriage, there is no lie about that. Whether it's possible is something I guess I can continue to hope for. My H is different then anyone I know, and this was the most difficult thing he could ever have done to me, but here he is still by my side, a little cold sometimes but right by my side. And I need to be right by his through this whole thing...good or bad.

[Owl]

Interesting how that "I still love my husband, but wasn't IN LOVE with him" comment is soooo typical of affairs. It's exactly what my wife told me during her emotional online affair.

 

Let me be blunt, since I've been more in your husband's shoes than anything else.

 

You never completely severed ties with the OM. That is the single most critical proof to your spouse that you regret what has happened and have no desire to continue it that you can make. There is NO WAY he can ever truly trust you and the OM having so much as a chess playing relationship anymore.

 

You haven't come "totally clean" about the affair, providing him ALL of the details and information concerning it. This is also critical...often its not the actual physical affair that is the most devestating on the long term...its the LIES...the DECEPTION...the betrayed and broken TRUST. But, if you're still not honest with him...those lies are still there, the deception still exists, and trust will never be restored in any measure.

 

You didn't go to counseling...then you've not truly solved the problems in your marriage that led up to the affair. There are emotional needs that still aren't being met...by either of you. There is still that "gap" coupled in the marriage.

 

Combine that all with the possibility that the child you're now pregnant with may be the OM's, and how can you possibly expect your husband to stay???

 

I'm a VERY good husband and father to a pack of kids...and if my wife had done the same things that you have done when HER affair was out in the open, I'd cut my losses and divorce her too. She's the only woman I've ever loved, and the only one I ever will. But, if I had to face the hurt of what she did to me again, I'd go on alone. And I MEAN that. Your husband sounds a lot like me...

 

You may well have waited too late to try to save your marriage. But if you want to try, then start fixing all of these issues NOW...and make it clear as glass that you mean it. Because, he's got NO reason to believe you right now. You're working from a hole...you're going to have to build your way back up to ground level before you can start fixing anything else.

 

Good luck. I really do hope it all works out for you.

[Saving Grace]

Thank You Owl~

 

I do expect to be criticized for what I have done. I am ashamed I am embarassed. And I don't expect thing to be easy for me, I know I have to start from the bottom up. And if a divorce is inevitable then it is, and if it took him actually filing papers to make me accountable then that is what is has to take.

 

Affairs begin because some emotional or physical needs are not being met. My affair met those needs and they were for the most part emotional. Sex was never an issue between my H and I, it has become one. I believed the affair was more then it really was. There is nothing of subtance to it, my marriage has substance, my marriage has stability. But I failed to see how important those things were. I know now that my H could have met all the emotional needs I requested all along he just needed a little push as well.

 

I cannot change anything I have done, I can only make right now. My H and I have a relationship that could last a lifetime if we let it. I know I have alot of thing to do to win his forgiveness and your right that the details are important. But after everything that has happened all those details are unimportant. It happened, we can't change that and dwelling upon it won't change anything.

 

Maybe I chose the wrong words "love" and "in love" but I know that the man that I married is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with if he'll have me baggage and all. I never stopped loving my husband. I never stopped having feelings for him, I just stopped showing him.

 

As far as ending the relationship with OM, it is done we no longer are intimate. My H said not to close the business and he said it's to late for counseling and closing the business wouldn't change anything.

 

I cannot end this marriage with out trying even if if took getting this far for it to happen.

 

I do appreciate all the words from both sides, it helps me understand his anquish and disgust with me and for what I have done.

 

Thank You~

[Owl]

LOL...though it may have come across that way...my post wasn't really intended to criticize...merely to point out what you've done or not done to rebuild your marriage.

 

From what you've written, and the tone you've written in, it appears to me that you completely believe that your husband has totally given up on your marriage at this time. I don't know that there really is anything left that you can do to repair the damage...other than to continue to love him and respect him, even when/if the divorce goes through and beyond.

 

Maybe you'll get another chance with him later in life.

[Saving Grace]

I'm sorry I did not mean to take it as criticism. I am not a very good writer and I tend to write very emotionally when I do.

 

I understand what all of you have said, I have also read alot of other posts that seem similiar to my situation. I also need to find myself, I need to seek counseling so that this will never happen in the future.

 

I am scared, I have been independent before my H but that was 10 years ago. It's not exactly like riding a bike. If it was this would be so much easier.

 

You stayed with your wife? How did you forgive her, I understand the situation may be different but she obviously sought some type of need from someone other then you. Are things better now? How long did it take? Did either of you actually file for divorce? Did you go to counseling?

 

He filed the papers, the baby is due in March, we are going to do a home paternity to try and resolve this before it gets to the courts. We do talk alot, mostly about how strong he wants me to be, and how I need to figure myself out before we can move any further. We even went together to pick up the papers because he didn't want me to be alone. Wisconsin is a no fault state when it comes to divorce, but there is a section that states if petioner questions paternity that it can be court ordered. He wants this child not to be without a father, but he doesn't believe he could be that father if it wasn't his. The OM denies this is his child and wants nothing to do with it. My H is a good man and didn't deserve this, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make amends.

 

I want to show him how much I love him constanly but I realize that may just push him away. What he needs right now is for me to understand and through this process, slowly I am beginning to.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Saving Grace

 

You stayed with your wife? How did you forgive her, I understand the situation may be different but she obviously sought some type of need from someone other then you. Are things better now? How long did it take? Did either of you actually file for divorce? Did you go to counseling?

 

Our situation was a bit different from yours, could have oh so easily ended up very similarly.

 

We've been married 17 years, with four teenaged kids now. She broke her leg about a year and a half ago, and lost her job because she was unable to do the work with a broken leg. She stayed at home, and at first I had no real issue with it since I make enough money to support us. However, she got quickly addicted to online gaming, both Pogo and playing an MMORPG that I have played for a while as well. She started logging16+ hours a day online, and it took a heck of a toll on our family and our marriage. What I didn't realize at the time was that she was suffering from untreated depression.

 

Well, to speed this up, we really began to drift apart. I couldn't handle the fact that ALL she wanted to do was to be online and game...I had taken over all of the household duties, she wasn't interested in doing anything with me or the kids...things got bad. Then she began talking with a guy she met in game. I had "met" him online as well, and a friendship between the 3 of us ensued. What I didn't know was that he was attracted to her from the beginning. They started talking via IM's during the day...and calling each other.

 

End result that they began an online love affair that lasted about 2 months. I suspected something, and began logging her IMs over Mother's Day weekend. They were convinced that they were in love with each other, and had just started making plans to meet to see if what they had would have worked in person. When I confronted her with the log files, he bought her plane tickets for later that same week, and she moved into a motel. She didn't leave...but it was a close thing. She kept begging me to let her go find out if it was real...and if it wasn't, to take her back. I of course refused.

 

We went through the following weeks in a lot of pain...she suffered the rough "withdrawl" from her OM. It took about six weeks before I finally got them to stop calling and emailing each other, but the last contact she had with him was end of June.

 

It took about a month before she really decided that she wanted to work on our marriage. We'd already started counseling, but her heart wasn't in it at first. But, I was patient, and as loving as I could be with her through it all. When she finally made the decision to work on our marriage, everything started to come together. THEN, I was able to start forgiving her.

 

Its been about seven months since her affair ended. I'm still in pain over the whole thing...notice I'm hanging out here on LS. BUT, we are still in love, and she is working to rebuild our marriage. I have forgiven her for what happened. Things actually are a lot better for us now. She needed more communication and love from me...I was showing her I loved her, but not in ways that she could accept it as love. (read The Five Languages of Love)

 

We never filed for divorce, but we did start some things when she first stayed and didn't get on the plane. I told her that if she wanted to leave me, fine. But don't run to someone else because that's all she could do. I helped her work on her resume, got her application put in at a couple of places, and discussed what she needed to do to start school again. I told her if she wanted to leave me, leave with some style...don't run away...STRUT!

 

Realize that she really and truly is the love of my life. And, now that she's gotten her head back together, she actually realizes that I am that for her as well. She looks back on what happened, and it seems like it was someone else driving her body. She can't understand why she did the things she did.

 

Sorry for the long post...if you would like to read the REAL detailed version, here's the link to my original thread here...I'd be interested in a woman's feedback.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

We still go to counseling every two weeks to work things out. I think we'll be going for a good while yet. We don't talk about it much anymore, and sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad. But, we've got a lot more happy days now than we did even BEFORE all of this happened.

 

Good luck friend...and again, sorry for the long post.

[Saving Grace]

It was practically the same I guess without going all the way. That lust you have for something other then what is yours is amazing.

 

I didn't change and that was the problem, he laid the law down to late. I never saw a divorce coming. I saw the OM relationship eventually ending but on my own terms not anyone else's, that would hurt to much. I found out however this hurts worse.

 

He said he filed after I made the statement "if something should ever happen you would need to take our daughter" he wanted to be prepared before anything happened. He said he also is happy right, I can't blame him. I took everything that he thought was love away from him, I had already broken his heart he wasn't going to let me break anything else.

 

I hope that he can find it in his heart as you slowly have with your wife to forgive me. He says that maybe this divorce is what our relationship needed to rebuild it. Maybe he's right. he wants something good to come off this.

 

There are still to many unanswered questions with this unborn child to see any possibilty of reconciliation but I can't give up. I don't want to give up. I won't give up.

 

Thank You friend~Your what I really need right now~even if its just to let me put down in writing how I feel, and to listen!

[Owl]

Originally posted by Saving Grace

 

Thank You friend~Your what I really need right now~even if its just to let me put down in writing how I feel, and to listen!

 

 

I know that feeling VERY well indeed. It's helped me a lot to work through things...and its kinda scary when you think that I'M giving other people advice! LOL

[Ladyjane14]

Is it possible to sell out your part of the business? I can't see any way that you will have even a marginal chance at reconciliation while involved with the OM.

 

There was a discussion on another thread that talked about books and programs to help stop divorce. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t23253/. Maybe you'll get some ideas from that thread.

 

I'm not sure what the value is in these techniques, so I'll let you be the judge of that. I do think that whatever enables you to identify and meet some of his needs right now could be of benefit, regardless to what the outcome of the marriage may be.

[Saving Grace]

I'm no longer involved with the OM with the exception of the business. (The business aspect of it is even complicated, but what's done is done)

 

I will take a look at the info you have sent, I've also found some really good things on marriage builders.

 

I do need to identify and meet his needs no matter the outcome, your right. I can't be selfish anymore!!

 

I just feel like it's the end of the world, that my H's love is all that really mattered and I can't accept that he ended it. I am devastated.

 

I will keep everyone posted on how the situation progresses.

 

I jut want my family back, my love back. I know deep down inside he does too...If he didn't he'd a done this whole divorce thing nasty and told the OM and the OM's W that he knows and left me high and dry like I did him.

[Saving Grace]

Just want to let everyone know my H and I are still talking and I have made my first step of self help. I have my first counseling session on December 21st. I am excited I think will help me through alot of issues I had even before I got married and help me understand why I do the dumb @ss things I do. I really wish he would do this with me but I know I can't force him to go. Maybe he will see the good it does for me and want it to do the same for us.

 

This whole thing kinda hit me hard this morning though. Why did he have to do the at Christmas time? I've always had trouble with my birthdays they were nothing special, got a bag of chips for my "Sweet 16" and don't really remember any other good ones except for the surprise 30th my H threw me. Christmas just won't ever be the same anymore.

 

But enough about that crap I need to look forward not back, I need to move forward not back. I need to learn how to respect myself and give myself more credit then I do. I am not a victim anymore.

 

Thanks~

[Owl]

Something to remember if you and your husband get back together, or if you find a new relationship in the future...ALWAYS celebrate the "top 5". The top 5 are: Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and birthdays. Something I learned as my wife and I began rebuilding our marriage. Take a look for a book called "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. There is a LOT of good information in there about relationships.

 

Christmas may or may not be the same...sadly, this is a price paid for damaged relationships a lot of times. One of the main things I stressed to my wife when she was considering leaving me was how that was going to affect her, I, and our kids during holidays. Sad to say, but there you go.

 

Hope things get better for you friend. Just keep showing your husband what you're doing to fix things, and keep praying if you pray. No garuantees in this life, but its the best thing you can do at this point.

[Saving Grace]

Owl~

 

I didn't know if I should have replied to your question under Vivianlee posts or not but I figured you would get it here.

 

You asked when I REALLY tried to save my marriage.

 

I really tried to work on the marriage after the second big blow up. I changed alot of bad habits I had either been doing or had. I never ever in a million years think that we would ever get to the point were we have. I discussed maybe that we weren't happy in the second blow up and that maybe we should consider divorce, he said divorce is not an option. That was in June of this year, the more and more he though about it he decided that he needed stability for himself and his daughter and wanted to make sure I would not make anymore rash or stupid decisions that could harm either him or our daughter. Which has brought us here today. He only wants positive things to come of this. He isn't doing this to hurt me. He wants me to be a better person and try to figure out why I do and make stupid decisions.

 

Your right I REALLY didn't try to save my marriage until he had the papers, but I believe he knows that that is exactly what it was going to take to get me to change. But like I said I never thought we'd ever get to that point. I do love him, I've always loved him, we just both took each other for granted, and I don't want to do that anymore or ever again!

 

We talked this afternoon about my counseling session and he is very happy that I am taking a pro-active approach to all of this.. I said to him that I will respect his wishes a move forward with this but that I would like him to respect mine that I need to continue to show him as much love and apologies as I can. I failed at my marriage but I won't fail at trying to save it. He says the divorce isn't an end it's a way for us to start over, and I am beginning to believe that we could start over together and that may be the best way because then this would be all behind us and if the love is there then it will still be there after a stupid paper is signed. There is no paper in this world that is going to tell me I can't love him or he can't love me.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm really glad to hear that you've got your counseling set up. I think you're a great candidate for it, someone who is enthusiastic about making some positive changes. Just remember to be really honest. The therapist is not there to judge you. S/he's there to help you.

 

You will become discouraged. So, relax, Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

And when the blue times do come, take a deep breath and wait for them to pass.

[Devildog]

Sorry, I took so long to get back.

 

Saving Grace, I am glad to hear that you are going to get counselling. Stick with it. It will do you a world of good irregardless of the outcome of your marriage.

 

Your husband does sound alot like me. He seems to be a very dedicated, patient, loving and forgiving person. The fact that he didn't toss you out the door when he found out about the affair says alot about him. I think he really wants the marriage to work, and sometimes it takes a swift kick of reality to get the other person to see that. I think that is what he is giving you at this point. Do everything that you can to make the changes needed. Counselling, read books on marriage, what ever you can think of and make a full effort to fixing your issues and the problems you bring to the marriage. You are not the whole problem, but if you work on your problems, some of the issues you have with him will most likely dissapear, and he will be more likely to join you in counselling and be able to resolve the remaining issues that he brings.

 

Take this for what it's worth. You know your husband best. If I was your husband, it would go a long way if you recognized the devotion, patience, and real love he has shown you. Recognize it and acknowledge it. There are not a whole lot of men like that in the world. And most of us don't get the appreciation for it that it really deserves. We feel like fools for it sometimes. Giving so much and not feeling it is appreciated or even recognized hurts. Tell him that you see what a wonderful, patient, compassionate, understanding loving man he is, and that you are truly grateful for it. Apologize for taking those things for granted for so long.

 

It will take time to rebuild your marriage, so hang in there for a long haul if you get the chance. But everyone that I have talked to that has gone through marriage counselling has never regretted it, and their marriages are much better than they ever hoped for in the best of times.

[Devildog]

The issues were minor between the H and I but I always told him he never showed affection or romance and I needed that. My H never touched or caressed or romanced me the way the OM did. No other man has ever made me feel the way the OM did.

 

and

 

Yes after being confronted the affair continued but it wasn't the same like I said briefly above. Things changed but they didn't really with my husband, I still pushed him away. Was angry at him all the time.

 

I think these two things kind of go together. You still pushed your husband away, and wonder why he wasn't touching or caressing or romancing you. Another thing I know how your husband feels. Every time I tried to initiate intimacy with my wife, and I mean everytime, I got rejected. I got excuses. After a while, I stopped trying to initiate because the constant rejection hurts. And then she asked why I never initiated things in bed? Look at yourself honestly, have you done this as well? Have you tried to fulfil his needs and make him feel desired? Did you ever just grab him and start tearing his clothes off of him? Men need to feel that the woman in their life finds them hard to keep their hands off of.

 

Something to think about, perhaps.

 

I need to know something else too. Was it the realization that he was serious about leaving you that finally got you to realize you needed to make an effort? Did you just assume he would never leave you no matter how badly he got treated? I'm not trying to put you down, I just think the info might be useful to me in my problems. Have you read my thread on this board? It is a long one, but you might get some insight into what your husband has felt through this.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Devildog

You still pushed your husband away, and wonder why he wasn't touching or caressing or romancing you. Another thing I know how your husband feels. Every time I tried to initiate intimacy with my wife, and I mean everytime, I got rejected. I got excuses. After a while, I stopped trying to initiate because the constant rejection hurts. And then she asked why I never initiated things in bed? Look at yourself honestly, have you done this as well?

 

 

I've got to comment that this must be a VERY common thing in affairs and such. During my wife's emotional affair, she pulled away from me in every manner you can imagine...emotionally, sexually, etc... I would try to initiate, she'd go cold. It hurt a LOT...so I too quit trying. So when I quit trying, she thinks I became a cold-hearted bastard.

 

When we went to counseling, before she REALLY decided to work on our marriage, one of the first things she complained about was our sex life!!! And of course couldn't give me any answer when I asked her directly to tell me how I could have done anything better...when I was never given the chance!!! It's amazing how totally confused her thinking was in the whole matter. I wonder if that is a common part of the affair...it becomes a self-feeding monster!

[Saving Grace]

Originally posted by Devildog

Your husband does sound alot like me. He seems to be a very dedicated, patient, loving and forgiving person. The fact that he didn't toss you out the door when he found out about the affair says alot about him. I think he really wants the marriage to work, and sometimes it takes a swift kick of reality to get the other person to see that. I think that is what he is giving you at this point.

 

He is exactly how you described, I have always had ****ty relationships and I guess I was thinking this one was going to turn out to be the same. I was just not willing to let him be the one to break my heart. But if I would've just trusted him, believed in him and recognized all of the things above first it would've never gotten to this point. But in a way, oddly I am kinda glad it has. Except for the whole baby issue, there are no more lies, no more hiding, no more secrets. I want to be as honest and open as I can possible. Even more so then we we were first together and married. He has always been my life partner, he has been in my life for over 1/2 of it and has been my life for a 1/3 of it. That to me says alot. But I know there are marriages that last somehow for 30 years or more and end in divorce. He always used to say we need to look more at the marriages that celebrate 50 and 75 years and find out how they did it. He I guess is really a closet hopeless romantic.

 

 

Originally posted by Devildog

You still pushed your husband away, and wonder why he wasn't touching or caressing or romancing you. Another thing I know how your husband feels. Every time I tried to initiate intimacy with my wife, and I mean everytime, I got rejected. I got excuses. After a while, I stopped trying to initiate because the constant rejection hurts. And then she asked why I never initiated things in bed? Look at yourself honestly, have you done this as well? Have you tried to fulfill his needs and make him feel desired? Did you ever just grab him and start tearing his clothes off of him? Men need to feel that the woman in their life finds them hard to keep their hands off of.

 

Something to think about, perhaps.

 

I need to know something else too. Was it the realization that he was serious about leaving you that finally got you to realize you needed to make an effort? Did you just assume he would never leave you no matter how badly he got treated? I'm not trying to put you down, I just think the info might be useful to me in my problems. Have you read my thread on this board? It is a long one, but you might get some insight into what your husband has felt through this.

 

I pushed him away exactly the same as your wife did you, how could I possibly be intimate with a man that I didn't want to be with. I felt that he pushed it for his own selfishness. He would always say "but I want to pleasure you" but I would just get more irate because it was every night. It felt like it became a ritual. I would know when he shaved, what he wanted. I was already irritated before we even made it to bed. I would say if I seem irritated by the whole situation why would you make it worse and push so much? Maybe he thought that was what was right and what I needed? I'll never really understand your libidos. You want sex...sex..sex..sex.., we want foreplay, romance, touching, enticement etc. Ok atleast me and H are this way. He did try lighting some candles once. ofcourse I turned him away.

 

Like I said to Owl, I did realize that I needed to make some changes before he filed, however I didn't REALLY make any changes until he did. I understood the big swift kick I was getting. I keep telling my H over and over like a broken record, how sorry I am, that I to love him so much because If I truly was unhappy and didn't love him, I'd let him go without a fight right?

 

 

Originally posted by Owl

 

 

 

I've got to comment that this must be a VERY common thing in affairs and such. During my wife's emotional affair, she pulled away from me in every manner you can imagine...emotionally, sexually, etc... I would try to initiate, she'd go cold. It hurt a LOT...so I too quit trying. So when I quit trying, she thinks I became a cold-hearted bastard.

 

When we went to counseling, before she REALLY decided to work on our marriage, one of the first things she complained about was our sex life!!! And of course couldn't give me any answer when I asked her directly to tell me how I could have done anything better...when I was never given the chance!!! It's amazing how totally confused her thinking was in the whole matter. I wonder if that is a common part of the affair...it becomes a self-feeding monster!

 

I think my coldness came from, well why the heck am I gonna give him what he wants if he won't give me what I want. I was also leading 2 lives. I couldn't mix the two. Well actually I did in the beginning, while not actually being sexually involved with the OM I still want him so bad that when I did come home to my husband our sex life was fantastic. But I was fantasizing about the OM. But there was always things sexually that I would have to ask my H to stop doing over and over and over again. They weren't a turn on and in fact made me uncomfortable. He thought I liked it but in fact I didn't. He failed to remember this EVERYTIME. It's like directions, you can never give a man directions right! Oddly enough though truly when I am devoted I am devoted. I was faithful to the OM and utterly devoted to his every whim. And when I was with my H I was totally devoted to him before the OM came along. So I do have one thing I can alteast do right? I really can't complain about the sex life my H and I had. And I have never had the big "O" pardon me or any "O" for that matter, with anyone until the OM. I have however mastered the ability to achieve the the "O" with my H because of the OM, I was able to find the spot so to speak. Ok I am getting to graffic, but it's the truth.

 

The lack of a sexually drive existed because that isn't what I really wanted I wanted the intimacy, the devotion the romance the affection, the touching, the caressing. As my H would call it the "fairy-tale" I will never be able to find. But aha I did, I always had the "Prince Charming" I just never learned how to be a "Princess" I was always to busy being the "Queen" a very mean one at that.

[Owl]

Well...not sure what I can say on that. I know that my wife never had the opportunity to "be" with her OM in that way... He was constantly pushing her and testing the limits to have her IM and talk in that kind of manner. He was always asking her if she thought of him "intimately". She wasn't able to do so until about the last week before everything came out...and she's admitted to having fantasized about him during that time when her and I were physically together.

 

Let me tell you...that has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with too. When we first got together after the affair came out, she had trouble NOT thinking about him...so we weren't able to be together that way for a while. I don't know if you can imagine what that is like for a man's ego...we're all wanting to be convinced that we're the only person our wife thinks of...stupid, but its how we are. And to KNOW that you're wife had been with you but wishing she was with someone else at the same time....lets just say its not done a lot of good for my self-esteem.

 

I think that you're dead on the money with the idea of where the coldness came from...and I think that anyone involved in an affair has to develop that coldness. I know my wife's biggest problem was that "dual life"...and she, like you, went through the "I love my husband, but I'm falling IN LOVE with my OM" times. She wrote that explicitly to her OM in her messages to him.

 

That same coldness is one of the hard things to get past for me at least. If it ever comes back again....

 

If you're not already, I'd tell you that you need to be as open and honest with your husband about all that you've discussed here with us as you have been on this page. He HAS to know that you're being that honest now...take it from me. Consider letting him read this thread would be my suggestion.

 

Keep working at it friend...sounds like there IS still hope in the future.

[Saving Grace]

I have told him about the forum and how it has helped me so far. I think he likes the idea that I am atleast talking, maybe not to him but atleast I am not keeping it bottled up.

 

I think I will eventually let him read this. I even like the idea Ladyjane14 had in another thread that her and her H had a journal they wrote in to somewhat talk about things maybe the didn't know how to say I guess. It was an open journal for each other but together.

 

I have read some excerpts to him. Mostly about the first few that you all sent about how is is hurting and I also need to help him through this.

 

 

Like I said before no matter the end result, it has brought us closer (mentally) which is where we need to be right now and it has forced us to communicate which is something we really haven't done for a long time.

 

I know it's a long road but I am willing to travel it whether I find my "pot of gold" or my "dead end"

[Ladyjane14]

You're exhausting yourself, sweetie. You can't fix this all in a matter of days. It took a long time for things to get this bad. It'll take time to resolve it all.

 

Take a break. Read a book. Watch a movie. You'll make yourself crazy otherwise.

[Devildog]

Ladyjane is right, as usual. This is a long road you are facing. The best you can hope for at this point is to ask your husband to give the counselling some time to see if it makes a difference. Make sure he knows it will be gradual, and may take months for things to get better, but you are serious and dedicated to this and stick to it.