He filed for Divorce, what now?

[Devildog]

You know what I find interesting in most stories of affairs on here? The person who is having the affair always goes on about how their needs were not being met by their spouse. But how much were they meeting their spouses' needs? If one person is withholding affection and love, the other is probably going to get mad and start withholding love and affection in return, and it keeps feeding into itself and building.

 

I would be willing to bet the real seed of most affairs and divorces as well lies in some small, insignificant, nameless thing. One person feels wronged about something like taking the trash out or something, had a bad day, and the other person doesn't ask why they are moody, they just respond with their own anger. And if left unchecked it builds and feeds on itself until it causes this huge emotional rift.

 

Just a theory.

[Saving Grace]

I can't do this anymore, he doesn't love me. He wants nothing to do with me. I can't keep torturing myself like this it hurts to bad.

 

He is so cold. I cannot give to something that doesn't want to be given to.

 

There is no hope for reconciliation or anything.

 

Only friends and being our daughters parents. And the friend thing is only if I follow through with this divorce normal and not nasty.

 

He opened his own checking account last week and just told me today I need to open my own. I thought he said the only thing that would change would be that we were no longer husband and wife. Everything would stay the same.

 

He hates me and I just can't do this anymore....

[Devildog]

Sorry Saving Grace. Welcome to the roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. All I can suggest is to keep at the counseling and keep your emotions under control. The divorce will not be finalized for a few months most likely, so use the time to improve yourself and see if he changes his mind. Don't push him to change it, just show him that you can change how things were and what a future with you could entail.

[Saving Grace]

Devildog~

 

Trust me I don't want to give up. But this seems hopeless. I know its only been 2 weeks but I can't take this agony. I can't beleive I let him be in agony for so long, what devastation I've caused.

 

I can't cry myself to sleep any more.

 

Got a book at the store, Making Peace with Your Past (H. Norman Wright). I don't know how it will help yet but we will see. I would like to get some other books, I think I'll run to Barnes & Noble tomorrow. But really it's only 6 here so I could really go tonight. The weather is snowy here, my H went out plowing/salting.

 

I can't seem to get over that he doesn't want to change, what a second it's my H were talking about, when he wants something done he sticks to it. Guess he's more like you (a marine). He has high expectations, high values, high morals. You think I would've learned something from him by now.

 

I have been though, I have begun to talk to our daughter like he does. I don't roll my eyes anymore when he disciplines her and I think it's uneccesary. She does seem not to try me so much anymore.

 

I'm sorry I just had a rough morning and I know they'll be many more. You think after the life I've had I'd be able to handle the roller coasters better.

 

He wants people to know about the divorce and I'm not ready for that, not yet.

 

I used to be an obsessive complusive cleaner. I kinda let my house go just a little. Not a alot, but the dust has piled up and the floors are dirty. No time for much of that and I changed after having my first. But I just got done carpet cleaning the entire living room. Now that part of who I used to be. Couldn't stand a mess, unless it was in the closet that nobody saw, hee hee. Everyone has those closets. I gotta run, the little one is calling. What make me sad is how much I think this will hurt her in the future. I do not as you said before devildog "be friends who just happen to have children together" atleast I think that's what I remember or something like that.

 

I read your thread, not throughly yet but how my gosh, when you think you have it the worst there is someone else that does. I know oh to well what loss is. My grandmother dies 21 years ago, my father almost 20 (this January). My grandma was the glue of our whole family which basically wasn't the same after she died. And my father was my life, yes only at 10/11, I'll be 32 in March. My mother was/still is an alcoholic., and there is so much more, but that will come out in therapy.. ttyl

 

After a little talking he did hug me and I could feel him in this hug. It wasn't just the hug, there was geniune concern within it. I could actually feel him wrapped around me instead of being cold. It felt good.

[suzyq]

(((((Grace)))))

 

I agree with LadyJane - you're exhausting your own strength by trying to control something you are powerless over. Although our stories are different, I can relate to your feeling of wanting so desperately to 'fix' everything.

 

I am also an adult child of parental alcoholism (codependent) and as you described having relationship problems over the course of your life, you described a key symptom of codependency. I'm a recovering rescuer married to another rescuer (the part of the story I can especially identify with). The result for us has been a cycle of anger, resentment, anxiety, and martyrdom. Until one person has the strength to break free of it and work on these roots/subconscious messages, life will remain insane, imho. In my eyes, that means that no one can possibly be responsible for more than 50% of the problems, because it takes two. However in martyrdom mode it's easy to slip into either feeling one of the extremes of assuming 100% of the responsibility for a relationship's problems or absolving oneself of the rightful 50%.

 

My husband and I love each other very much as well and are not out to hurt the other per se, but would probably make much better friends than marriage partners. When we're not fighting with each other, we're tippy-toeing around each other, trying to 'fix' the other so that our relationship can get back to some magical place, that it's never actually been at. I don't think that that means that we couldn't have a good marriage in the future, but we're both so emotionally unhealthy with each other that we can't have a healthy marriage, as things are.

 

I'm at a point too where the delusion and denial is crumbling. It's painful and hard to accept reality when we're so used to living in a state of emotional chaos, but it's much more loving to self and to others to finally be honest and admit that life has become unmanageable and it's time to find some help to break free of the insanity of trying to fix something that you can't 'fix'.

 

Stop beating yourself up. No one has the right to judge your actions except you and your Higher Power. I have found some recovery in an Al-Anon adult children group and have regained enough sanity to see where I am today. Even though much of it is painful realization, I can feel my integrity coming back as I reconnect with my own truth. Going to meetings where I can share openly without judgment has been invaluable to me, not to mention very complementary to counseling. The Twelve Steps have helped many people recover from life's unmanageability, whatever the problem may be.

 

Al-Anon Family Groups

[Owl]

Grace- Devildog has the right of it with the "rollercoaster" ride. Your husband went/is going through it too. But in complete honesty, the choice of a divorce may have been his way of finally deciding to get off of it.

 

It might help you to have a little perspective from his side of things here too...what you're feeling RIGHT now, is almost exactly what you made him feel when he learned of your affair. He felt emotionally abandoned by the person he loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world. He learned that what you two shared was NOT something "unique", or "special". It really WASN'T any better than what everyone else has...and that it ISN'T something that is unbreakable.

 

That is a hell of a shock to someone who doesn't see it coming. And in truth, while you knew that there would be hell to pay when your affair came out, I highly doubt you ever believed "deep down" that your husband would leave you, right? But, now you know that he CAN leave you. That there really IS a line that you can't cross...and sadly, you have.

 

He doesn't hate you...you should be grateful for that much at least at this point. But you're hurting so bad that you can't see past that...I know the feeling WELL. So does your husband. He went through that too. And probably is still feeling it a lot more than he shows you...this divorce is one step that he's taking to try to end that pain that he's feeling.

 

From what you've described, it sounds to me like he's not totally written you off as an ended chapter in his life. Focus on that... If he truly wanted you OUT of his life, he'd let you know, I've no doubt. Have a little hope...and use this time to work on becoming a stronger, better person. Perhaps someone who might have a chance to win his heart back in the future...after all, who knows that heart better than you?

 

Hang in there girl...

[Saving Grace]

Sorry Everyone~ Haven't been up much for talking....typing...I am wallowing in my one self pity and as my H would say, "I need to get my head out of my @ss!!"

 

I know Ladyjane is right, but the higher power failed to provide me with patience, and I need this to work out, well like yesterday. We had a little setback this weekend. He is just so damn steadfast on this divorce and I'm so damn emotional about it.

 

We did however talk for about an hour about his job and some of the things that have been going on. We were both under the same blanket facing (kinda) he was watching the game. But I listened and I haven't done that in a long time. I was actually being a friend.

 

Sunday Evening was another story, he was going through the financial stuff for the divorce and I got edgy. You see I can't afford an attorney and it's best for us both (and our daughter if he helps me through this). I if I don't respond by 20 days I waive some very important rights. However the petition doesn't really explain how to respond, and that if I don't follow specifically to the statute then the court can still waive my rights. I asked him everyday to ask the atty and he didn't so I thought maybe he wanted my rights to be waived. He said his atty told him that was created for the dead beats either way (m or f) that don't respond, and that I don't have to do it. He said if he was lying or found out they were lying that could change the court procedure. He said because we are doing this together and not letting the court make the judgment and I'm not fighting it it isn't an issue. But just like him I still have to protect myself and that's where things got a little heated.

 

He said this is all my fault, he had nothing to do with the predicament I am in. But he has, I felt the need to fill the void he couldn't fill. I tried to tell him what I need and trust me I tried to show him. And if someone shows you enough love wouldn't you agree that you should be able to return it in the same manner? Ok in some instance this wouldn't work but for the most apart if you are in a good relationship it should, especially if some of those things existed in the beginning. I know I sought the thing to fill the void, we should done counseling then. We should have done counseling the last two blow-ups. I was just to selfish.

 

This "roller coaster" I am ready to get off. NOW! This is just one ride I do not like. The counseling session starts tomorrow. I am excited and scared. I know there are alot of things that will come out in that room and frankly I'm not sure if I have anymore tears.

 

I went to bed not talking to him, he decided to sleep downstairs, I called him on his cell from mine and told him I would feel better if he were upstairs. And that I was sorry, he came upstairs...i'm not ready to sleep seperate yet.

 

Bought my second book, 1/2 way through it already, I like it alot. It's Divorce Busters, works if only one of you tries.

 

I Had an obsessive compulsive weekend, we emptied out the living room and I carpet cleaned. Went through her mountain of toys and organized them, got rid of some junk. Cleared out the kitchen, scrubbed that floor, you think i was nesting already. But this is who I used to be, I kept an immaculate house, my H is a perfectionist and we liked it that way. Everything in its place and a place for everything. It felt good. Not that the house was a mess but in was a little unkept, cobwebs growing in the corners and stuff.

 

Today was an okay day, I told him that I am alone and I just don't know what to do, that I am giving him my heart and soul and trusting him for once in my life that this is the right decision. I am however counting on the decision that it will bring us back together not seperate us for good

 

It's his 30th bday the day after christmas, he says we'll go out to dinner. I want it to be special.

 

I am powerless over him, and so desperately to 'fix' everything suzyq. I wronged him.

 

I am a codependent, I am an enabler. I worked through some of those issues in a peer group in highschool, so this counseling thing may be what I need to help me move forward. I don't want to give up on that. I don't want to give up on him either. Even if we are going through this.

 

We never tip toed on eggshells until now. We have always been able to tell each other how we feel, good or bad. And we used have that magical relationship and maybe that is why this is so much more difficult for me. I thought we would eventual get back to that magical place before we hit rock bottom.

 

I just don't want to make the same mistakes all over again, especially if there is a reconciliation between the two of us. I don't ever want to him or myself or our children to have to be hurt by this or like this again.

 

I'm not sure though what hurts more, losing the man that I love or the bedtime ritual that we have when I am home. It's our daughters ofcourse, 2 stories, then one hug for each sholuder, kiss on the lips, an eskimo kiss, a butterfly kiss and I LOVE YOU, from me then daddy. I know the ritual will be the same but it won't.

 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. On Wednesday I need to talk to the OBGYN about how we do paternity testing at the hospitals, my H thinks that might be better then doing the at home swabs???

 

I pray that what we are doing is the right thing. I think my father is somehow up there making sure that I got caught and and being held accoutable for my actions, yet still being so protected and taken care of. Yes I think he is watching over me.

[Devildog]

He said this is all my fault, he had nothing to do with the predicament I am in. But he has, I felt the need to fill the void he couldn't fill. I tried to tell him what I need and trust me I tried to show him. And if someone shows you enough love wouldn't you agree that you should be able to return it in the same manner?

 

Grace, men and women have different needs. Like how you mentioned about when you pushed him away intimately. That is something men need. Call us pigs if you want, whatever, but when you push a man away and reject him sexually, it is like you are taking his manhood away. Like he is less of a man. Women on the other hand need the romance. Men and women are different people. You probably thought you were meeting his emotional needs, you were doing what you would want. But you are a woman, not a man. His needs are different. He probably thought he was giving you everything you wanted and needed as well.

 

I was thinking about your situation. To be honest with you, I don't think the affair is what is causing your divorce. I think it is the fact that when he confronted you about the affair you denied it. Possibly made him feel like he was scum for even thinking you would do that, and not trusting you. Did you make him feel like a jerk about confronting you? And then he finds out he was right. If that was the case, you not only cheated on him, but you lied to him, and made him feel like crap for actually being right. You made him feel like a fool. Can that be repaired? I really don't know. I hate to say it, but I don't think it can. He is asking for the divorce. That is the part that is different from my situation and what I can't put myself in your husbands shoes about. You have never told us about how the truth finally came to light. Did you finally fess up on your own, or did he find irrefutable proof?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

Grace, men and women have different needs. Like how you mentioned about when you pushed him away intimately. That is something men need. Call us pigs if you want, whatever, but when you push a man away and reject him sexually, it is like you are taking his manhood away. Like he is less of a man. Women on the other hand need the romance. Men and women are different people. You probably thought you were meeting his emotional needs, you were doing what you would want. But you are a woman, not a man. His needs are different. He probably thought he was giving you everything you wanted and needed as well.

 

Devildog makes a really good point here. Unless you had a very clear understanding of all of your husband's EN, and were meeting them to the best of your ability, you can't make the arguement that your affair was about not getting your own needs met.

 

You messed up. Own it. In the long run, that's best for you as well as your husband.

 

It's going to take time. And you may very well not be successful in saving the marriage. The only shot you have is by hanging in there and being patient with the process.

 

You've messed with a man's primal instinct to forward his own DNA into the gene pool. Now you're asking him to overcome animal instinct. It's a big deal.

 

But the nice thing about human beings is that we have better brains, so there is hope that he may in time forgive you.

 

I still don't like that business about you not having legal representation. The meanest criminal in the justice system is allowed legal advice. I'm not sure how you could work that out though if you are in complete reliance of your husband's support.

[Owl]

Saving-

 

I wanted to throw my two cents in too...having somewhat been in your husband's shoes. DD is right in some aspects of what he's saying, but its a little more in-depth than that.

 

You hurt your husband on a whole bunch of fronts...and those are going to take him a LONG time to deal with...years most likely. DD was right...the fact that you had sex with someone else (and are potentially having their child as well) is a HUGE blow to his manhood. He does feel like he's less of a man...like he's not enough man for the woman he loves with all of his heart. He'll spend a lot of time mentally comparing himself to your OM...in every way you can imagine. And he'll always see himself as the lesser of the two. After all, you chose to be with the OM, and not him, right??

 

But what's even harder to overcome than the blow to his masculinity is the damage that the lies and deception had on your relationship. You SUCCESSFULLY decieved him about the most critical thing possible in a marriage. He's feeling like he can't possibly EVER trust you again...and to a degree, he's right. The "blind" trust that he had for you is gone...it will never come back. Now, he HAS to ask, he HAS to verify...because now he KNOWS that you can and will lie successfully to him to get what you want. (It sounds harsh, but its not meant to...it's just the flat truth.) The innocent belief that you will always be honest and open with him is shattered...and the cold truth that you are just another human being is right there in front of him.

 

Remember my previous post about how he has now learned that there is nothing "special", or "magical" about your relationship as well? Go back and read that as well...because that also ties into what he's feeling right now.

 

Now add this in...when the truth came out...as hard and as long and painful as that process was...he still wanted to reconcile with you. He still loved you, and wanted you...and YOU REJECTED HIM AGAIN. He tried everything he could think of to work it out with you...but you weren't ready then, so you blew him off, and made at best a half-@$$ed attempt at it. That feeble effort didn't fool him...he knew what you were doing, and it convinced him that he wasn't worth fighting for. That he wasn't worth the effort of trying to fix things, even after he'd so put himself out on the line by trying to work it out with you KNOWING the truth. He felt even lower still after this, because he was rejected TWICE by you now.

 

I'd also like to clear something up...very clear. Again, its painful, but you have got to understand this. YOUR HUSBAND DID NOT MAKE YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR. Read that previous line again. There were needs that you weren't having fulfilled by him...that is true. But the CHOICE to have an affair was YOURS. Accept that. Understand something...you weren't meeting all of his needs either...but he didn't go outside of the marriage to get them fulfilled. He was looking for another answer...if one partner isn't having her needs met, the odds are VERY high that neither of them were totally happy in the marriage.

 

So now, when finally faced with the harsh truth that he's had enough...NOW you decide to reconcile with him? From his perspective, he can't trust that you won't do this again. That you won't have another affair...that you won't hurt him again deliberately...that you won't ever lie to him about something like this again. How can he believe that you are REALLY sorry...and not just worried about being chucked out on your behind with nothing?

 

I'm NOT judging here...I'm just telling you what I think your husband is feeling...I've been through a good amount of this myself.

 

Based on that...start talking with your counselor. See if they can help you work out a way to communicate to your husband how you feel...and the truth about your wish to fix things.

 

I don't know anything on the legal aspects of this, so I'm going to sit that out and let others help you work through that.

[Saving Grace]

When he confronted me I didn't really deny it. The relationship with my OM was over that same day and I was wearing my heart on my sleeve. Although he had found personal items previous to October, he couldn't really get me to talk about it, until I was such an emotional wreck that he knew he could push me to telling him. Which I finally admitted. But the OM realized several weeks later that he didn't want some things to change. He didn't want all the crap that goes along with it but the fringe benefits. An I ofcourse thinking that my H didn't really want anything to do with me, then I would atleast try and salvage something to keep me from hurting. And that's what it was, the OM was just there. It was always when he wanted it. There was never any touching, kissing, holding dating, courting, romance. It was done as of last October. But somehow it hadn't ended but yet still there was nothing there. How could I have made such a mistake to lose my wonderful H over scum like that. That is where I learned love is blind. The OM is not an attractive man, he is not even very good well sexually. But in my mind it filled a void. I fell in love with something that didn't exist.

 

I did lie to my H, I did deceive him successfully, but not really they knew all along, they all did. He said even my friends have asked what was going on. I never meant for him to feel like a fool. Regardless of whether the relationship can be repaired or not I still love him so much and I need to prove to him that this will never happen again. I will do everything in my power to earn his trust back.

 

 

There is no reason why I had the affair, I just did it, I messed up.

 

I am hanging in the best that I can. I know I won't be able to save my marriage. I know it's over. It's been over for along time now and I just to begin accept it.

 

I hope for nothing but the pain to stop.

 

 

I have begun to own up to it. Today I talked with my aunt who was coming into relatives for the holidays. I told her we wouldn't be there and that we were going through some personal problems. I told her he filed for divorce. First thing she said was has he been seeing someone? At several parties she has seen him very close, to close to a girl but she didn't know who she was. I don't either. She said, she saw this coming and could tell we wern't happy. SHe said he has always been so condescending to you in conversations and doesn't see him being that way when he speaks to anyone else. I told her it was all my fault and what I had done. And I called my H to tell him what I had done and he said I was acting like an adult and that was good.

 

There is no comparison between my H and the OM but I will never get the chance to show or tell him that. I could care less about the OM anymore and the more and more I think about it I get pissed off by it. The way he treated me as well. I am a just another piece to him, he does walk all over me. But whatever... He is of no concern to me anymore. My life has to come first now. It should have all along. I know therapy is the only thing that will help me now.

 

He has never been the lesser of the two, he has always been stronger even still now the one I can rely on. I never chose to be with the OM and not my H. If that were true and I was truly unhappy in my marriage I could have walked, and I would have walked with alot, but that doesn't matter to me. Still now all I want is his love.

 

I can never take away the damage of the lies and deception.

[Owl]

Saving-

 

Couple of clarifying points...

 

1. When he confronted you, you didn't deny it. - But...he had to confront you about it. You didn't admit it to him first. And, he had to pry the information out of you, a bit at a time. You never volunteered anything. From HIS perspective...you lied and you didn't come clean with him...he had to drag it out of you.

 

2. The affair didn't end when you told your husband it did. So you didn't sleep with him further...but you still were emotionally intimate with him AFTER your husband thought you had ended contact, yes? He was still "there" for you...and still an option for you.

 

3. You DID lie to him. A lie by omission is still a lie. You didn't tell him information that you KNEW he wanted to know. That he should have known.

 

 

4. I can totally believe that there is no real comparison between your husband and the OM. BUT...in a way...you DID chose the OM. You willing went with him (sexually and otherwise) while you were still supposed to be just with your husband. You CHOSE to be with him OVER your husband, during that time. Your husband will continue to feel that way for a good while...until something helps him to start feeling like he's not worthless.

 

I know I'm sounding harsh...but all I really want to do is to make sure that you can see your husband's viewpoint in this. That...and you DO need to make sure that you're accepting the responsibility for your actions in what happened. Don't sugar coat it...don't make it less than it is. If you can do that...and freely admit that to him...that is one of the first steps you need to do to let him begin to believe that it won't ever happen again.

 

Good luck lady. I likely won't post much more before the holidays, so take care!

[Saving Grace]

Your right, your all right.

 

I did try and tell him on my own, I just didn't know how. And I could never find the right words. How can you? I did try several times right before we went to bed. And I have been more honest with him in the last 2 weeks then I've been for a long time.

 

What I did was wrong but nothing will ever change that.

 

There is no sugar coating it all. I lied, I made the mistake, I pushed him away even when he tried to understand. How could I honestly deserve a man that was so willing to forgive me? I thought he had an alterior motive?? I don't know.

 

I have always believed that I was never good enogh for anyone. I am always waiting for my heart to be broken and am always trying to make sure it doesn't by doing the breaking. By not letting anyone in. The same things even happened with the OM. ANd my H even said it, you pushed him away too didn't you. Yes I did! But that was the best decision I made in that relationship.

 

Everything in my life is one viscious circle of events that just don't stop. Well this therapy session is the begining and the end to that. I don't want the lies any more, I don't want the complications, I don't want the deception. For anyone in my life. I don't want to have to remeber who I told what or constanly be looking over my shoulder.

 

I have already lost my H, there is nothing else for me to lose, except for my daughter, which I'm sure will haunt me 20 years from now?

 

This IC is something I should have done along time ago and I am sad to say it took rock bottom to see that, it took losing everything to do something about it. How could I have been so stupid, so niave? I am ready to put an end to all of my childish behaviors and move on. I wish it wern't without my H but I think that is what is most likley to occur.

 

The only hope I have is that he sees that I am truly sorry and that things will and have changed. I don't know what else to do. I have no one, I am alone, again....

 

I will try and stay okay for the holidays but that will most likely not happen

[Owl]

Saving-

 

Regardless of what comes, I really do wish the best for you. And truth be told...I hope your husband DOES come to his senses and realize what he's got in you.

 

Have a safe and happy holiday friend. Remember...we don't know what the future really holds for us. And you're not out the door yet, so enjoy your holidays with your family!!

[suzyq]

I think someone said earlier up the thread that this is a new beginning for you and I totally agree. I know that you're hurting very badly right now and it's hard to believe that this will ever pass, but it will. You have so many options and possibilities, just waiting for you to begin exploring. If you shift your view to a different angle from where you're at right now, you'll be able to uncover this untapped source of potential.

 

I know very well that feeling of paralysis (numbing out), but I eventually discovered that the key to replenishing my self-esteem and recovering emotionally, comes in taking action and then celebrating it no matter how small. Other than making sure that you are taking extra care of yourself physically, finding legal representation is crucial right now. No one else is responsible for that except for you.

 

Do you have a good support person to help you make the calls/appointments? Have you tried your local law society to find out about legal assistance for low-income individuals? Are you two willing to go to mediation and draw up some sort of agreement, to minimize court trauma? I know this is hard to deal with right now, but you will get the reward later, when you look back and feel proud at how you dug in and did what you had to do to be a strong woman for yourself and your children.

 

I have ptsd/anxiety problems and often feel physically nauseated at the thought of my marriage ending. But to keep myself in the moment, grounded in reality, I remind myself that this too shall pass and try to find something healthy to do, like taking a bubble bath, meditating, snuggling my dogs, writing in my journal, doing yoga or pilates, going to Starbucks with a good book, going for acupuncture, or making a healthy meal.

 

I've also found affirmations to be helpful. I personally like the weekly affirmations at kajama.com, but whatever rings true to your heart is worth jotting down on a post-it or an index card. I also read lots of recovery literature like Al-Anon, Melodie Beatty, Hazelden, adult children of alcoholics - whatever helps me to understand myself better, so I can continue breaking through the insanity. The fact that I am even able to have moments of serenity is a blessing - and the reward for doing the work to clear the emotional wreckage of my past, so that I don't keep dragging it into the future with me!

 

These are things that I've found successful, so take what you like and leave the rest!

 

Take care Grace

[Saving Grace]

Sorry been keeping myself busy! That's a good thing!

 

Had my first IT (she calls it therapy not counseling)....

 

It went better then I expected.

 

I didn't eat lunch or dinner, I was to nervous.

 

She could tell right away when I walked through the door that my face showed all the sadness and hopelessness that it ever could and she was gonna do her best to change that.

 

The first thing out of her mouth was what brings you here, and ofcourse the floods from the higher power began flowing. I really didn't think that was going to happen right away, I though tit would when we discussed my marriage, because you see my marriage is not the main reason why I need to be in these sessions. It is the main reason why I am beginning but I do have alot of other underlying issues that cause this rift I have with those that are close to me.

 

It felt amazing to cry and talk to someone for an hour and not actually feel like I was in an argument. The conversation was all about me. When I spoke to my, aunt, when I spoke to my friend who went through a divorce, even when I spoke to my mom, the conversation eventually became about them somehow.

 

We focused in on the marriage, the infidelity, the paternity but we spoke more about the underlying issues.

 

She asked if my H would be willing to come to couples therapy. I said he admittly says no. She because of what I tell her about the process so far that she knows that he loves me very much and could resolve some of his own issues, but more so that if he is so concerned with helping me become a better person then his joining me would help me even more. I told him she suggested it and he didn't say no. I really hope that he reconsiders.

 

I have been working with him on moving forward with the divorce, he seems to appreciate that more....I don't but I know it's what he needs right now.

 

He doesn't need me slithering around, sad, depressed and crying all the time. He need to see I have strength and courage and willingness to go through this.

 

The therapy is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I want to look it up on the Internet a little. I'll be visiting her every week for 3 to 4 months.

 

I also told my OBGYN about the need for a paternity test, she was saddened but told me to be strong. SHe called the hospital and I guess they don't do that. They will collect samples if needed though I think that's what I understood.

 

I am going to call the womens services center and see if they have any information and ask about legal issues as well.

 

I picked up some brochures she had for women and divorce support groups so I'll look into that too.

 

Right now just keeping myself busy with the business is what seems to get me through the day.

[Ladyjane14]

It's gonna be ups and downs for a while. But you're doing everything possible, so hang on to that when you hit the blue times.

 

What a great job you're doing of making the best out of a bad situation! Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.

[Saving Grace]

I just wanted to say...

 

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

 

I will be thinking off you all...

 

 

God Bless All of you~

Saving Grace

[Owl]

Saving-

 

Sounds like you've gotten a good counselor...that's awesome! Stick with it...it will make a difference for you.

 

I hope that your husband DOES join the counseling sessions...even if it is "just to help you". You'd be amazed at how much that can help...it has worked wonders for my wife and I in dealing with our issues.

 

I hope your holidays are going well...I am sure that Christmas was a little more strained than it has been...but hopefully it was still nice.

[Saving Grace]

Well I didn't exactly survive Christmas unscathed. I was hoping to but nothing ever works that way.

 

Christmas Eve was ok, we made fish and had a nice dinner together, watched tv, went to bed early incase he had to plow.

 

I knew he was planning to go by his parents and didn't really want to tell me he didn't want me to go. They only live 5 minutes away. He said he didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable. But he left me alone on Christmas. I have so much anxiety right now, so much history with holidays and turmoil that this just set me back a little bit. I cried really bad, called my girlfriend (who's been divorced) she said this is so unlike him. She calmed me alittle, called my mom (surprisingly she wasn't drunk). she helped, I told her a couple of weeks ago he filed for divorce. This time I told her I had been unfaithful. It does help to talk about it, to admit it.

 

But Christmas was really hard, he left and I called him to tell him to make sure he tells his parents it was his decision for me not to be there not mine. I don't want them to think I don't want to be around them at all. They will always be a part of my life, I do not want it to be uncomfortable, I see my mother in law everyday. And I know my father in law cares for me so deeply because when my H told him that he wanted to divorce me, the 1st thing my father in law did was want to make sure I was ok. Through my foolishness I took people like that for granted, they've given us so much, how could I be so blind? I got her ready to go, she asked why I wasn't coming, that was the hardest.

 

He was at their house for several hours meanwhile I am still crying my eyes out, he comes home, I put her to down for a nap and I decide I need to leave. I couldn't be there, I was going to visit my dad's grave but that's about 40 minutes away (one way) and it was cold and snowing, not good 4 me to b driving. My dad would've loved my H, there were two peas in a pod. They never met, but I'm sure in my heart my father sent me my H. How did I let him go? How could I have broken his heart like this?

 

I went to the business, laid on the couch, called my H, told him I couldn't be a parent to our daughter, told him I can't stand the pain anymore, I wanted to die. Only thing is I don't even have enough courage to do that, I say it but I can't do it. I let him go and called him back awhile later after I had calmed down. We talked on the phone for about an hour, it was good he got me to talk more about things that I had done and that I need to stop lying, if anything for myself. The man know my every mood, attitude, tone, he know when I lie and when I don't. He is my soulmate, I see that now. I was mad he didn't chase me, didn't get me to stay. He said , our daughter is sleeping the only I can do is call the police to tell them you are missing. You need to be an adult he said, I can't be that for you. I came home after the talk with him , we talked some more. It was a good conversation. I talked about the concept he said during our 1st divorce talk where he made it seem like there is a possible start over for us maybe after the divorce. Now it doesn't seem like that.

 

I have changed more things to make him comfortable though, I've been wearing pjs to bed and I don't grope him anymore, although I still tell him how sorry I am and that I love him. I don't push for us to make love at all, he's right it's not appropriate right now. I want him to know how grateful I am that the proceedings of the divorce have been very easy so I have been treating him like a king. He doesn't ask me to, I want to.

 

Sunday was his 30th birthday. That was a much better day, I was still nervous however because anything can happen. He/we planned to go by my brother's (his bestfirend) and sister in laws house to open christmas presents and go to dinner. I was nervous because I havn't seen either of them since he told me about the divorce and my H had my brother there the night he told me to give me support if I needed it. I was also nervous because I didn't want them to be uncomfortable.

 

My daughter and I gave him his Bday cards in the morning after breakfast. Those cards to me longer to pick out then any other card I had ever bought him.. I used to tell him when ever we exchanged cards I don't want them to be ones he just picked, they had to be relevant to us. He always picked out wonderful cards, sometimes they were more relevant then I could see. The cards I picked out were perfect, they said how strong he wants me to be and succeed etc, but they also told him how I felt about him without being mushy. They put into words what for some odd reason I can't. I gave him two and ofcourse our daughter gave him one too.

 

He told me he wanted to leave 4 my brother's by 1:30, we a never prompt but we all were in the car at exactly 1:29. I said look we are on time and he chuckled and said I told you we need to be there at 2, so we'd be there on time, but we don't need to be there until 3. We'd always have an argument if we were late, and there was no need for one.

 

We got there took pictures by the xmas tree (the three of us). I'm so glad for that We opened presents and we laughed. He smiled at me and made me laugh. He made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. He made me miss him so terribly....He didn't really make me do that. I really miss him. He got his birthday and xmas gifts as well as cards. I again picked out a good card. We went to dinner came back and watched movies and ate cake ( i baked it). The hardest part was that I didn't get anything from him. I told him I don't deserve anything but it's not like him not to get me anything, not even a card. I thanked him letting me spend his birthday with him and that was the best gift he could've given me.

 

We got home around midnight, laid her to bed put the presents away and went to bed ourselves.

 

I whispered goodnight, and told him how wonderful he made me feel tonight. He said whispering I hear you. I felt his comfort in his voice. I just wish I could reach out squeeze him really hard and never ever let him go, but I can't, I'll push him away. He know I love him, and I know I have so much more to work on. I want to see the therapist more then once a week.

 

I'm alone, but I'm not alone.......

 

And then this morning I lost my keys.....but I feel good today and that's all that matters to me.

[Ladyjane14]

Have you been to MarriageBuilders.com yet, Grace?http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

 

I'd like to see you getting MORE support. Consider starting a thread at:http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=forum;f=37

 

Also, if you feel that you need twice a week counseling, ask for it. I'm not sure what treatment you can receive medically while pregnant, but I want you to discuss depression with your OB. Okay?

[Saving Grace]

OMG

 

Am I depressed?

 

Do I sound depressed?

 

I'll talk to her (OB) about it appt is next week. I'll ask the therapist too...

 

Maybe I am. I've only gained 10 lbs total and just lost 2, and I have 10 weeks left of this pg.

 

I don't want to be depressed.....!

[Devildog]

Depression isn't some horrible contagious disease Grace. You will probably find that most of the people that post on this particular board suffer from it or has suffered from it. I am in the process of getting treated for it and am starting to pull out of it. Medication and therapy helps. It isn't anything to be ashamed of. I would be surprised if you weren't suffering from depression.

 

Are you wanting to go more than once a week counselling because it is helping you, or are you trying to rush things for the potential to save your marriage? If it is the latter, I advise against it. There is a lot of damage and hurt that only time will fix. It can't be a quick fix. You have to be patient and let things play out in their own time. It isn't easy, I know. After 2 1/2 months things are just now finally starting to look like reconciliation is possible in my marriage. But that is just the begining of that journey. If we go to marriage counselling it will still be months before things get back to resembling what we once had and were happy with. Years of damage can't be fixed in a couple weeks. Unless you can somehow seclude you and your husband and a counselor in a remote cabin somewhere and have intense 24/7 counselling. But that isn't realistic.

 

Patience is your ally at this point. Keep working on your issues.

[Saving Grace]

I went to MB websit, boy is that useful.

 

Lots of great info, a little overwhelming. But needed.

 

I already have some homework to do, started tonight.

 

Just to let you know I found a self help court website that gave me alot of info as well. I got my answer on how I need to proceed, although I wish not to.

 

I'm sorry about the depression thing, I just well I just don't know what to think about it. I do agree that I have some type of depression but generally I am ok.

 

I have found the internet more addicting then the OM....

 

I have also comes to terms that this A was not my H's fault. It was mine. I betrayed him, neglected him and so much more, how could he ever forgive me.

 

He will eventually forgive me but he won't ever forget. My only way to move forward with him is to be an adult, be responsible for myself, and put our children first.

 

Talk more soon~

SG

[Saving Grace]

P.S.

 

About the more time at therapy issue.

 

I need to go, I need support, I need more to help myself before I can help my marriage.

 

My choice in going more is not a hope for a fast track reconciliation. It just seems 2 weeks between sessions is to long. There is so much I need to talk about.....