Oldspiceywolf Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 I just remember how during this little A I obsessed over the possibility of it ending but now that it has I can be happy. Here's my story: I had an off and on relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend for 4 years before I met her. She wasn't married, they didn't have kids which messed with me because when the aftermath began it was hard to find a reason why she couldn't leave him to be mine. I met her at my ten year high school reunion. I went to an all boys high school And she went to out sister school so even though we ran in similar circles I didn't know she existed before that night. It was a magical night. We were drunk by the end and she jumped in my cab and yelled drive at the driver as we ditched our friends and made out all the way to my house. The connection was instant and undeniable. Imagine my surprise at 4:30 when she got a call on her cell, and shushed me and said it was her boyfriend. My stomach dropped, I'd never cheated or been with a girl in a relationship, I had already caught feelings like a bad cold. When she hung up she explained that she lives in LA(I live in NorCal) and they haven't slept together in 7 months and she wanted to move home to be close to family. I thought this relationship was in flames. We made out all night naked in my bed, we wanted to do more but the Jameson said no! We fooled around until 10:30 then I drove her friends house disheveled and marked up from hickeys. She got a drive and walk of shame that morning. She called me that night but said she wasn't going home because she felt too sick to fly. I met her at the airport the day after, we dug each other for real, we kissed, she got on her plane and we texted from the time she got off the plane to the time her boyfriend dropped her off at her house, that's when she called me. We talked all night. The next day her Boyfriend and she headed back up to my town to go camping with her parents for the 4th of July. We talked off and on until they left for camping but she went out of cell reach and I was on pins and needles for four days. Begin the roller coaster! When Sunday came a slew of backed up texts came through and I knew then she felt the same. She snuck out that night and met me, we talked then made out for an hour until she had to go home. They drove home that Monday ad I worked. We talked 6-10 hours a day for 2 weeks long distance. We had plans to see each other again 4 weeks from that last Sunday but I couldn't wait, 2weeks had gone by and I decided to go see her. At first she was uncomfortable about it but once she saw me and we talked I had her excited again. This was a crucial development in our relationship, the affair would have never continued if I hadn't made a move. At the time U reasoned that she wasn't married but prior to me driving down there I felt my grasp slipping, I really thought I could rip her away from that dude. She wasn't committed to having sec when I first got there but the night before I left she came to my hotel and sexed it for hours but there was some crying involved. She said ever since she met me she hasn't been able to control herself and that she had never cheated before. I left LA in a bad mood I thought would've sealed the deal for her break up, it didn't. Two weeks to go til I saw her again! We talked a lot, she really pulled away from him but I was worried about her going to a wedding with him the next weekend. The wedding was really the end of my chance to rip her away from him on my terms. She got a little drunk and texted him a bunch of crap but instead it went to me, didn't want to be apart of their fight but I was sure it was the end but when she didn't call the next day I reached out to all the people who knows we were kinda talking and came across as needy. I did some damage control, we were still cool but I was already in the mindset that I wanted her and had to do what it takes and she was feeling guilty so using me to make herself feel good became the pattern of the relationship. She came back to town the next weekend and we had sex in the backseat of my car in a movie theater parking lot, but the distance was starting to turn this into an emotional affair. Her boyfriend suspected what was going on by now and started giving her grief but she lied, he found my number, I lied to him, and he went away. Well we hooked up a couple more times, we spent a long weekend together but by the end of that weekend we were both tired of the lying. But she also was not willing to break up with him and I never planned on bring the OM. I could have blown it all up and won that way but it really wasn't a game to me, I loved her and wanted her to love me enough to choose me. There were so many reasons why it made sense but for whatever reason she was not ready to move home to NorCal and she wasn't willing to give up her support system in LA, him and his friends and family. We started at the end of June and broke it off after her birthday the last week of September. That lasted 3 weeks and I broke down and told her I missed her and wanted her in my life. The whole break up get back together thing went on for 6 months but this is the good stuff this is how you get out of a bad relationship with a cheater who wireless your self esteem away... You start dating! After she sent me no Christmas gift I started dating. I wasn't interested i anyone I saw, it was a distraction to keep me busy when she had to spend time with her boyfriend and his family. She would get pissed about me dating and I would just bring up her boyfriend and she would say that's right I have a boyfriend I don't need to be upset about a guy I'm not committed to. That little dig is how she would manipulate me . She knew how bad I scented to be together and the fact that she would use our non-commitment as a reason not to get jealous pissed me off, so I kept dating! We went and for a month and I met a girl who was worth it. We didn't have the connection as the connection I had with my cheater but it was fun and worth not worrying about what she was doing although I woke up every morning thinking of her. This is when the late night hang ups and I love u so much messages started but we still maintained limited contact, AJ didn't tell her I had gotten serious I just told her that if she wanted anything with me she needed to actually figure out what she wanted. This brings me to what pisses me off about people, especially cheaters, they don't take the time to really productively think about the situation. A productive thought process would lead you to know that a relationship you cheat in isn't worth saving, the lies and guilt will eventually rot the relationship and what's more the reason the person cheated often never get fixed because it hardly ever gets addressed. In September a full year after we broke it off initially she calls me crying about breaking up with him and wanting to be with me. That's when I dropped the new girlfriend on her. She was pissed said I didn't really love her and that she thought that the plan was for her to figure it out and then be together. I told her what I told her 6 months prior when we decided to get real perspective: if you wait too long Ill be gone and she did and I was. I told her I still loved her but if she want willing to break up with her man to be with me that I wouldn't do it for her... I won back my self respect ! It wasn't over... Damn! My new girlfriend and I hit a rough spot and I moved out of her place and got a new apartment. She also came crawling back but I wasn't in a hurry to fix things after moving out and getting a new place that's when SHE decided to pounce(they always know when your weak). Turns out. She never fully broke up with dude, I want surprised! She said she only wanted to be friends and that our friend ship was the important part, I agreed, I missed her so much and still loves her with all my heart, it started back up slowly but I spent my days with my girlfriend or the woman I was trying to figure things out with and the nights talking long hours to my cheater. The cheater just got in the way of the other relationship because I never had the head over heels feeling that I had with the cheater buy we still had a lot of fun and a lot of sex, I love her two just not in the same way, we weren't together during this time we were just seeing how things went and I told her that we weren't exclusive but I never told her I was talking to the cheater because she was familiar with her from the late night hang ups and I love You calls from a few months of living together. Finally after talking for a few months she was coming back to town, I had no plans of seeing her but she had some for me. The girl I was on and off with wanted more but was out of town that weekend by coincidence. The weird part was that everyone in town knew about her cheating with me, her trends, her mom, her cousins, some were routing for me others were just weirded out because they knew her as the most innocent girl in the world. When we saw each other it only took an hour until we were I my car making out but after an hour or two of that I went home without her. For he next two days she tried to get me to come see her at her families house, she didn't have a car in town but by this time I had decided not to jump through hoops, like I decided earlier if she wanted me she needed to put in effort to have me. She went home and we talked almost everyday for a week until she went NC. I didn't pursue. She called a week later at 2:00 am. She said she was leaving for me York with him for a week, I responded: finally getting engaged she asked why everyone assumed that... She had been dating this guy for almost 6years. It was perfect, without her distraction I could focus on the girl who I had a tough time with living together so early in the relationship but I still had to fully conclude everything that transpired with the cheater. The cheater emailed me when she got home to say yes she was engaged, I wrote back that she was trash and a wage of time for both and him. She called crying because I couldn't be happy for her. We talked for a few hours and that was that I wished her good luck. I focused on the girl who wanted me, I still loved the cheater, still do this day but just because we might be soulmate a doesn't mean we get to spend our life together. I got engaged to my girlfriend 8 months later and we had a beautiful wedding 8 months after that, we actually got married a month before the cheater and her dude. The funny part about that is she tried to bang me before her wedding but I told her that as much as I was flattered and wanted to be with her I was too far past it. I needed to put that out there, carrying it around still hurt. I still wonder what she is doing, if she thinks about me or if she loved me at all. As much as love and miss her I love my wife more. My wife doesn't share the same connection with me as I shared with the cheater that's what make the love worth it, we worked for it an decided to make it work. With that said if I find out she cheats on her husband now it would break my heart to know that I was worth so little she couldn't leave a dude she can't stay faithful to for me. The thing about being the other person is it forever plays with your self esteem, you never get the answers or validation your looking for and this incredible connection that seems so special gets thrown in the trash. The good thing that can come is figuring out who you are and what you want as well as gaining the ability to not let people walk over you. The relationship may still affect me maybe always will but I'm stronger and better for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 Let's just say you committed yourself to a few years as the OW/OM and after trying to make it work and never getting anywhere it's broken off and they have gone back to try and work things out with the betrayed spouse for better or worse but under the pretense of resolution. Come to find out a few years later the MM/MW you were involved and even loved whole heartedly is not only still married but engaged in another affair with someone else. I get feelings of rage thinking about this! Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I want to thank you for an amazing post. It's very helpfull in my situation because I always wonder if there's a possible future and your experience hammered the final nail in the coffin. Why they advance their relationship while committed to the affair I have no idea. No matter what I do will it change her relationship status, even in NC she will not let me go and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Yeah I still notice she pays attention to my twitter, I have 5 followers and two are her (married name and maiden name). She pretty much quit me but the. Wouldn't let me go, it's hard and frustrating. My eyes do stray and when things aren't exactly on track at home I really do love the attention I get from other women, I know it's not worth it but I also have to keep telling myself that because my heart and the way I look at relationships is tainted from looking out from the inside of unfaithefullness. Edited November 4, 2013 by Oldspiceywolf Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Then find comfort you are no longer with the dog. He'll always be a cheater. Would make it much easier to move along, even if the pain is still lingering. It might even end the pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 If there was a foundation of friendship and strong communication, this wouldn't happen. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 If there was a foundation of friendship and strong communication, this wouldn't happen. Huh? WHAT does that have to do with the original post? I'm sorry you're upset, but if you're no longer involved with him/her, nor want to be and never told the BS, I don't understand WHY it bothers you. (Unless it was b/c s/he didn't stay with you with the A as the reason, but still went on to have another?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 It's a double edged sword because now you know that they only wanted entertainment and you didn't lose anything because you never had anything but I think what hurts most is that you felt you had a connection that was never their... More hurt about being not seeing the truth about a person you loved whole heartedly might mean you didn't even love them you just love the person you thought they were. It's a mind F$&! Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Let's just say you committed yourself to a few years as the OW/OM and after trying to make it work and never getting anywhere it's broken off and they have gone back to try and work things out with the betrayed spouse for better or worse but under the pretense of resolution. Come to find out a few years later the MM/MW you were involved and even loved whole heartedly is not only still married but engaged in another affair with someone else. I get feelings of rage thinking about this! Me too, my friend! Me too. Except in my case it wasn't a few years later. She was cheating on me while she was cheating on him with me. Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 but I think what hurts most is that you felt you had a connection that was never their... That's it in a nutshell. It hurts most knowing you were played and the deep feelings they professed for you were pure and utter Bull****! Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I'm sorry you're upset Not even close. but if you're no longer involved with him/her, We are. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 If there was a foundation of friendship and strong communication, this wouldn't happen. What wouldn't happen? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Not even close. We are. Awww, jeez. You sound like such a sweetie pie! Oops, i meant, nunya....ah, heck. Nevermind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Not even close. We are. Learn to read or don't bother replying to me. Mmmmmkay? Link to post Share on other sites
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