How to move on from this toxic "friends w/benefits" relationship?

[what_a_blonde]

Apologies in advance for length, but I really need some advice.

 

Been seeing this guy on and off for about 4 months. We were good friends for 2 yrs before getting physical.

 

Last time before we met up, he made it clear through text he didn't want to hurt me and that it is only "two friends having fun". so he wasn't sure if I should go over. It did make me rethink because I'm finding I can't be physical without my heart getting involved, however he's been through alot lately and I just want to be there for him.

 

When he realized I almost wasn't gonna go over, he back-tracked and said "ok how about you come over without any expectation of anything happening?". Of course I fell for it, and of course we were intimate.

 

It's usually about 2 weeks before he contacts me again for "benefits", and he rarely texts me in between to say hi or just be casual. So I don't see the "friends" portion of this playing out. Right now I'm feeling crushed.

 

Everytime I think I'm at the breaking point and want to tell him how I feel and tell him I'm done, then delete him from Facebook so maybe my life will be better (and I don't have to see him or his name or be tempted to "stalk" his profile, and so he will get the hint that I've truly had enough), he ends up texting me.

 

It usually ends up being something that makes me completely forget why I was angry. Then we end up meeting up, being intimate, and then I beat myself up for letting it go so far again. Because as usual... I realize afterward that I'm just the booty call in his eyes. No matter how hard I try.

 

Ever since the first time he made a move on me and I fell for it, its like he's stopped trying because he realized I really like him... and he constantly lets me come to him. I have no problem going to him and letting him know he's what I want, because I've always been fairly straight forward and confident, however at this point its making me feel sooo stupid because its like he knows I'll eventually text him if he waits long enough. I'm also starting to see a drain in my confidence because of this.

 

How can I move on? Do I bother telling him I want to stop this or should I just proceed with deleting him from FB... and my phone etc.? It sucks because part of me knows that he likes my attention however even if I did text him and tell him I can't be involved physically anymore without my heart being involved, he still would be like "Ok, I understand"...and not even try to fight for it.

 

I feel like some sort of disposable object. Advice is appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

[cm00]

Sounds almost identical to what's going on with me, only the gender roles are reversed. I've only known her for nearly 4 months and we've been doing this the whole time. I'm a guy who is in your position about a woman I like and shes treats me the same way. Although she told me to meet someone else as it wasn't fair on me because she doesn't want a relationship with anyone because they never work out for her.

 

So I did meet someone else, someone nice, and that has been a nice distraction. So that's what I'd recommend, find someone else you like. It just so happens, that my friend with benefits lady is now very jealous and is trying to persuade me not to have a relationship with this girl and has opened herself up to me seeing her more often.

[ponchsox]

Apologies in advance for length, but I really need some advice.

 

Been seeing this guy on and off for about 4 months. We were good friends for 2 yrs before getting physical.

 

Last time before we met up, he made it clear through text he didn't want to hurt me and that it is only "two friends having fun". so he wasn't sure if I should go over. It did make me rethink because I'm finding I can't be physical without my heart getting involved, however he's been through alot lately and I just want to be there for him.

 

When he realized I almost wasn't gonna go over, he back-tracked and said "ok how about you come over without any expectation of anything happening?". Of course I fell for it, and of course we were intimate.

 

It's usually about 2 weeks before he contacts me again for "benefits", and he rarely texts me in between to say hi or just be casual. So I don't see the "friends" portion of this playing out. Right now I'm feeling crushed.

 

Everytime I think I'm at the breaking point and want to tell him how I feel and tell him I'm done, then delete him from Facebook so maybe my life will be better (and I don't have to see him or his name or be tempted to "stalk" his profile, and so he will get the hint that I've truly had enough), he ends up texting me.

 

It usually ends up being something that makes me completely forget why I was angry. Then we end up meeting up, being intimate, and then I beat myself up for letting it go so far again. Because as usual... I realize afterward that I'm just the booty call in his eyes. No matter how hard I try.

 

Ever since the first time he made a move on me and I fell for it, its like he's stopped trying because he realized I really like him... and he constantly lets me come to him. I have no problem going to him and letting him know he's what I want, because I've always been fairly straight forward and confident, however at this point its making me feel sooo stupid because its like he knows I'll eventually text him if he waits long enough. I'm also starting to see a drain in my confidence because of this.

 

How can I move on? Do I bother telling him I want to stop this or should I just proceed with deleting him from FB... and my phone etc.? It sucks because part of me knows that he likes my attention however even if I did text him and tell him I can't be involved physically anymore without my heart being involved, he still would be like "Ok, I understand"...and not even try to fight for it.

 

I feel like some sort of disposable object. Advice is appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

 

You need to establish boundaries for yourself in the future. Go NC and move on.

[what_a_blonde]

Sounds almost identical to what's going on with me, only the gender roles are reversed. I've only known her for nearly 4 months and we've been doing this the whole time. I'm a guy who is in your position about a woman I like and shes treats me the same way. Although she told me to meet someone else as it wasn't fair on me because she doesn't want a relationship with anyone because they never work out for her.

 

So I did meet someone else, someone nice, and that has been a nice distraction. So that's what I'd recommend, find someone else you like. It just so happens, that my friend with benefits lady is now very jealous and is trying to persuade me not to have a relationship with this girl and has opened herself up to me seeing her more often.

 

 

cm00- When you moved on and found someone new, how did you tell her that you had done so? Was it through a text letting her know you were seeing someone else or did she find out in a round about way and now she wants you back?

 

This sounds silly, but I'm not really interested in anyone else right now. Other opportunities have come along however they don't strike my interest like he does.. and I was never the type to get physical until having a relationship- which I guess is why its hard for me to move on from this.

 

If something/someone does come along that might be worthwhile I definitely won't turn it away, but it just makes it hard when I'm not actively looking or when nothing new and worthwhile comes around.

[Midnight_Princess]

Hes told you he doesnt want a relationship. Hes told you its just sex. His mind will not change. You need to step away from this because you obviously cant handle it. Its not his fault, he has not been leading you on. It is not "toxic", you are making it that way. Dont get involved in a fwb situation of you already have feelings for someone.

If you want to end it by telling him you have feelings for him go ahead but nothing will happen, he doesnt want a relationship with you. He will probably spin you some false hope to keep getting in your pants but you should know better then to believe it.

[cm00]

cm00- When you moved on and found someone new, how did you tell her that you had done so? Was it through a text letting her know you were seeing someone else or did she find out in a round about way and now she wants you back?

 

This sounds silly, but I'm not really interested in anyone else right now. Other opportunities have come along however they don't strike my interest like he does.. and I was never the type to get physical until having a relationship- which I guess is why its hard for me to move on from this.

 

If something/someone does come along that might be worthwhile I definitely won't turn it away, but it just makes it hard when I'm not actively looking or when nothing new and worthwhile comes around.

 

If you check my posts you can find my thread on it, its 6 pages with the whole story and all the advice people have given, as the situation is similar to yours, you might find it useful.

 

I wasn't going to tell her, but I stayed at hers on Friday night and in the morning she asked me if I had slept with anyone else since she "ended it" to which she refers to the kind of relationship our friends with benefits had evolved into. I told her the truth, she wanted to know all the details. So I told her.

 

I felt the same as you, that I really wanted to be with her, and nobody else interested me. That didn't work out well for me, I stupidly told her I was falling for her and that almost scared her off for good. I then had to accept it was friends with benefits and it might never be more than that, not unless she escalates it herself. But she only sees me every couple of weeks usually, maybe once a week if I'm lucky.

 

I opened myself up to meeting other people, and I did meet someone really nice, someone who is happy to see me every single day. My feelings for my friend with benefits have not gone away, but I don't feel the worry any more, and if it wasn't for the fact that this new girl is going back to their own country soon, I could had even see myself getting into a relationship with her.

 

I'm getting from this new person what the friend with benefits wasn't giving me, someone I can see on most days, do things with, and be intimate with. The friend with benefits I think is starting to realize she could lose me and doesn't like the thought of it. This could be the start of her realizing she wants more than just friends with benefits from me.

[what_a_blonde]

If you check my posts you can find my thread on it, its 6 pages with the whole story and all the advice people have given, as the situation is similar to yours, you might find it useful.

 

I wasn't going to tell her, but I stayed at hers on Friday night and in the morning she asked me if I had slept with anyone else since she "ended it" to which she refers to the kind of relationship our friends with benefits had evolved into. I told her the truth, she wanted to know all the details. So I told her.

 

I felt the same as you, that I really wanted to be with her, and nobody else interested me. That didn't work out well for me, I stupidly told her I was falling for her and that almost scared her off for good. I then had to accept it was friends with benefits and it might never be more than that, not unless she escalates it herself. But she only sees me every couple of weeks usually, maybe once a week if I'm lucky.

 

I opened myself up to meeting other people, and I did meet someone really nice, someone who is happy to see me every single day. My feelings for my friend with benefits have not gone away, but I don't feel the worry any more, and if it wasn't for the fact that this new girl is going back to their own country soon, I could had even see myself getting into a relationship with her.

 

I'm getting from this new person what the friend with benefits wasn't giving me, someone I can see on most days, do things with, and be intimate with. The friend with benefits I think is starting to realize she could lose me and doesn't like the thought of it. This could be the start of her realizing she wants more than just friends with benefits from me.

 

 

I'm definitely going to look for that thread. Crazy how you say "she only sees me every couple of weeks usually, maybe once a week if I'm lucky." Thats exactly how this is for me too. It drives me crazy too... If this is a true "friends with benefits" arrangement, I should be able to see him when I text him (granted as long as its not every day)... however this has evolved into us only meeting up on HIS terms. I just think that is so ridiculous. And its once every 2-3 weeks (this week just so happened to be I saw him 2 times in a week though, very rare).

 

I need to just let this go. Its so hard though. Thanks for your input.

[cm00]

I'm definitely going to look for that thread. Crazy how you say "she only sees me every couple of weeks usually, maybe once a week if I'm lucky." Thats exactly how this is for me too. It drives me crazy too... If this is a true "friends with benefits" arrangement, I should be able to see him when I text him (granted as long as its not every day)... however this has evolved into us only meeting up on HIS terms. I just think that is so ridiculous. And its once every 2-3 weeks (this week just so happened to be I saw him 2 times in a week though, very rare).

 

I need to just let this go. Its so hard though. Thanks for your input.

 

Yes that's what happened with me. It had be on her terms, if I tried to make arrangements, she would tell me it's over and then not talk to me for a few weeks, leaving me to think it really was over, and then suddenly she gets back to me again and invites me over. She hates it if I text her throughout the week, I'm basically not allowed to do that, I mean I could, but I've learned it only makes things worse for me if I do.

 

Don't hold out for him. Find someone else. You don't have to tell him you're doing it, or end it with him, there's no reason to burn that bridge. People told me to call it off with her, go no contact for good. But I've done it my own way and it's working out just fine for me.

[what_a_blonde]

Forgive me, I'm new to to forum.

 

Does this basically mean not responding back to them, even if they finally text you back after 2 weeks of not hearing from you, because they are used to you always reaching out to them?

 

Does this also mean not giving in to your temptations of texting them just out of the blue because you haven't heard from them?

[ponchsox]

No contact means no contact, period. No calls, emails, texting, sending letters, and Facebook. It means no sending and no responding. It's talked about so much because it works.

[what_a_blonde]

No contact means no contact, period. No calls, emails, texting, sending letters, and Facebook. It means no sending and no responding. It's talked about so much because it works.

 

Works with regard to getting over the person I'm guessing? And I know the stigma around the "delete or not to delete" off of Facebook question around here (I also feel petty asking about it)... however would No Contact also involve deleting them... not just not contacting them on FB?

[Grumpybutfun]

Hes told you he doesnt want a relationship. Hes told you its just sex. His mind will not change. You need to step away from this because you obviously cant handle it. Its not his fault, he has not been leading you on. It is not "toxic", you are making it that way. Dont get involved in a fwb situation of you already have feelings for someone.

If you want to end it by telling him you have feelings for him go ahead but nothing will happen, he doesnt want a relationship with you. He will probably spin you some false hope to keep getting in your pants but you should know better then to believe it.

 

^^^

This...100% this. Ladies, when men tell you they do not want to be serious or have a gf, believe them. He was honest, and you ignored what he said because you wanted something more.

 

When I was single, I was always very honest with women who were interested in me. I always had the talk before hanging out and intimacy because I didn't want a gf and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I said "I am not bf material. I will not fall in love with you because I am young and am trying to figure out who I am. If we sleep together, it will change nothing about how I feel, so please do not cross that line if you cannot handle it. Just because I am nice to you, a gentleman with you and I take you out and sleep with you doesn't mean I will change my single status with you. You are awesome, or I wouldn't want to hang out and do things with you. However, we are just going out and this will not turn into anything more." It started shorter but since I had some women who seemed to not understand, it evolved over time. Naturally I was always floored when they declared undying love for me and wanted to become exclusive.

He was honest...don't make it complicated by demanding more and then stop being friends with him because you weren't honest with yourself that you can't do sex without emotions.

Best,

Grumps

[MidwestUSA]

Works with regard to getting over the person I'm guessing? And I know the stigma around the "delete or not to delete" off of Facebook question around here (I also feel petty asking about it)... however would No Contact also involve deleting them... not just not contacting them on FB?

 

Yes. Deleting/blocking numbers, removing from social accounts. All of the above. Sorry, I referenced NC in a prior post. Good luck to you!

[what_a_blonde]

Yes. Deleting/blocking numbers, removing from social accounts. All of the above. Sorry, I referenced NC in a prior post. Good luck to you!

 

Haha not a problem, thanks for your input!

[ponchsox]

Works with regard to getting over the person I'm guessing? And I know the stigma around the "delete or not to delete" off of Facebook question around here (I also feel petty asking about it)... however would No Contact also involve deleting them... not just not contacting them on FB?

 

Yes, delete and even block.

[what_a_blonde]

^^^

This...100% this. Ladies, when men tell you they do not want to be serious or have a gf, believe them. He was honest, and you ignored what he said because you wanted something more.

 

When I was single, I was always very honest with women who were interested in me. I always had the talk before hanging out and intimacy because I didn't want a gf and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I said "I am not bf material. I will not fall in love with you because I am young and am trying to figure out who I am. If we sleep together, it will change nothing about how I feel, so please do not cross that line if you cannot handle it. Just because I am nice to you, a gentleman with you and I take you out and sleep with you doesn't mean I will change my single status with you. You are awesome, or I wouldn't want to hang out and do things with you. However, we are just going out and this will not turn into anything more." It started shorter but since I had some women who seemed to not understand, it evolved over time. Naturally I was always floored when they declared undying love for me and wanted to become exclusive.

He was honest...don't make it complicated by demanding more and then stop being friends with him because you weren't honest with yourself that you can't do sex without emotions.

Best,

Grumps

 

I like your perspective.

 

Perhaps I don't understand the whole idea around "friends with benefits". It sounds like you're a little different than the guy I'm dealing with though. You say you would take women out, then sleep with them, however make it clear it was nothing more. I'm guessing you would also at least let them know how you feel about them (i.e.where you tell them you think they are awesome, attractive, etc., and that otherwise you wouldn't hang with them).

 

However I feel like he is just abusing this and calling it a fwb as a cover. I feel like a true fwb arrangement would be exactly what you've kind of described. Sounds like you at least give the women some sort of validation to make them feel somewhat respected.. however I don't even get that from him. He completely has shut down (ever since we crossed that line) to wanting to know anything about my life, asking me how I am, etc.

 

If he at least did this, I would feel somewhat like he cares about me as a person (i.e. friend) and that I'm not just some sexual object. He's getting all the benefit without having to be a friend to me.

 

Or is there something I'm still missing? Not trying to be hard headed..

[Midnight_Princess]

I like your perspective.

 

Perhaps I don't understand the whole idea around "friends with benefits". It sounds like you're a little different than the guy I'm dealing with though. You say you would take women out, then sleep with them, however make it clear it was nothing more. I'm guessing you would also at least let them know how you feel about them (i.e.where you tell them you think they are awesome, attractive, etc., and that otherwise you wouldn't hang with them).

 

However I feel like he is just abusing this and calling it a fwb as a cover. I feel like a true fwb arrangement would be exactly what you've kind of described. Sounds like you at least give the women some sort of validation to make them feel somewhat respected.. however I don't even get that from him. He completely has shut down (ever since we crossed that line) to wanting to know anything about my life, asking me how I am, etc.

 

If he at least did this, I would feel somewhat like he cares about me as a person (i.e. friend) and that I'm not just some sexual object. He's getting all the benefit without having to be a friend to me.

 

Or is there something I'm still missing? Not trying to be hard headed..

 

In a fwb situation you should not feel like a sex object. You should be enjoying it as much as they do and for what it is, just sex.

 

I have a feeling if he was more friendly with you, it would be even harder for you. You already like the guy, how would you feel if he did all those nice things with you?

 

I dont think your cut out for this kind of arrangement blonde, at least not with this guy. Get out now before you feel more hurt. Im sure youll find another guy that will feel for you as you do for them it wont be this guy.

[toolforgrowth]

For me, no contact means that I literally disappear from their life...completely. I may as well be dead to them. They cannot call me, because their number is blocked. Same with texting. They cannot email me, because I deleted the account they had. They cannot Facebook me, because I blocked them. They cannot tweet me, Skype me, Instagram, you name it. Every electronic tie they once had to me is taken from them.

 

And then, I disappear physically from their life. I don't go places they go or will be. I don't spend time with mutual friends when they will be around. If I work with her, I try to avoid if possible. If it's literally impossible and we pass in the hallway, I make no reference to her existence; it's as if she's a total stranger.

 

When I do NC, I don't mess around.

 

It's more than just ignoring their attempts to reach out to you...you take away the means for them to reach out to you. You make it impossible. That way, if they try, you will never know. And they won't get a response.

 

It's pretty empowering.

[ponchsox]

Toxic FWB < toxic relationship << toxic marriage

[MidwestUSA]

Here is something else for you to ponder. I was in a similar arrangement once, but my 'friend' did not refer to us as friends with benefits. Not that we weren't friendly, or that we were otherwise hostile, but we didn't do anything but meet for sex. His term for it was f*** buddies. And you know what? It was always at his convenience, never mine. And more than once, he set something up and cancelled on short notice, so there was no respect for my time. Eventually, although I never 'caught feelings' for him (tho he assumed himself to be quite the catch, LOL!), the term f*** buddy got to me. So no, he didn't particularly care about me much as a person. I'm thinking your situation is similar. Some people can do it, I couldn't.

[what_a_blonde]

Here is something else for you to ponder. I was in a similar arrangement once, but my 'friend' did not refer to us as friends with benefits. Not that we weren't friendly, or that we were otherwise hostile, but we didn't do anything but meet for sex. His term for it was f*** buddies. And you know what? It was always at his convenience, never mine. And more than once, he set something up and cancelled on short notice, so there was no respect for my time. Eventually, although I never 'caught feelings' for him (tho he assumed himself to be quite the catch, LOL!), the term f*** buddy got to me. So no, he didn't particularly care about me much as a person. I'm thinking your situation is similar. Some people can do it, I couldn't.

 

Interesting, that's something that has driven me crazy from the start.. but I failed to see it for what it was. He constantly used to make arrangement with me... then at the last minute always would cancel!! It made me so upset and I finally just stopped even trying with him. FWB or not, a man is his word... and you can't continue to make promises and schedule happy hours, etc... then constantly find a reason to have to reschedule- last minute.

 

Arg! As you can tell that is still a slightly open wound as well. lol

 

I agree though, I am finding this is something I cannot do. Just can't seem to figure out why... its almost like I feel as though something is wrong with me for not being able to push the attraction and feelings aside like he is.

[what_a_blonde]

For me, no contact means that I literally disappear from their life...completely. I may as well be dead to them. They cannot call me, because their number is blocked. Same with texting. They cannot email me, because I deleted the account they had. They cannot Facebook me, because I blocked them. They cannot tweet me, Skype me, Instagram, you name it. Every electronic tie they once had to me is taken from them.

 

And then, I disappear physically from their life. I don't go places they go or will be. I don't spend time with mutual friends when they will be around. If I work with her, I try to avoid if possible. If it's literally impossible and we pass in the hallway, I make no reference to her existence; it's as if she's a total stranger.

 

When I do NC, I don't mess around.

 

It's more than just ignoring their attempts to reach out to you...you take away the means for them to reach out to you. You make it impossible. That way, if they try, you will never know. And they won't get a response.

 

It's pretty empowering.

 

 

Love this.. and your last few sentences are KEY.

 

So, it sounds like you've had to do this on multiple occasions and has been successful?

[Simon Phoenix]

In the vast majority of cases, how a guy feels about you the first time he sleeps with you is how he'll always feel about you. If he doesn't see you as a serious girlfriend option, you never will be -- you'll be his FWB, his fu*k buddy. If he sees you as a girl he can date but has no real inclination of you as a long-term partner, that's what you'll remain. If he's really into you, he'll continue to escalate the relationship. Sleeping with a guy to try to get him to love you is something that will always fail.

[h0000]

^^^

This...100% this. Ladies, when men tell you they do not want to be serious or have a gf, believe them. He was honest, and you ignored what he said because you wanted something more.

 

When I was single, I was always very honest with women who were interested in me. I always had the talk before hanging out and intimacy because I didn't want a gf and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I said "I am not bf material. I will not fall in love with you because I am young and am trying to figure out who I am. If we sleep together, it will change nothing about how I feel, so please do not cross that line if you cannot handle it. Just because I am nice to you, a gentleman with you and I take you out and sleep with you doesn't mean I will change my single status with you. You are awesome, or I wouldn't want to hang out and do things with you. However, we are just going out and this will not turn into anything more." It started shorter but since I had some women who seemed to not understand, it evolved over time. Naturally I was always floored when they declared undying love for me and wanted to become exclusive.

He was honest...don't make it complicated by demanding more and then stop being friends with him because you weren't honest with yourself that you can't do sex without emotions.

Best,

Grumps

im curious though. had you met a really really amazing girl would you fall for her unexpectedly even though you never planed to hace a gf?

[Fufu]

Apologies in advance for length, but I really need some advice.

 

Been seeing this guy on and off for about 4 months. We were good friends for 2 yrs before getting physical.

 

Last time before we met up, he made it clear through text he didn't want to hurt me and that it is only "two friends having fun". so he wasn't sure if I should go over. It did make me rethink because I'm finding I can't be physical without my heart getting involved, however he's been through alot lately and I just want to be there for him.

 

When he realized I almost wasn't gonna go over, he back-tracked and said "ok how about you come over without any expectation of anything happening?". Of course I fell for it, and of course we were intimate.

 

It's usually about 2 weeks before he contacts me again for "benefits", and he rarely texts me in between to say hi or just be casual. So I don't see the "friends" portion of this playing out. Right now I'm feeling crushed.

 

Everytime I think I'm at the breaking point and want to tell him how I feel and tell him I'm done, then delete him from Facebook so maybe my life will be better (and I don't have to see him or his name or be tempted to "stalk" his profile, and so he will get the hint that I've truly had enough), he ends up texting me.

 

It usually ends up being something that makes me completely forget why I was angry. Then we end up meeting up, being intimate, and then I beat myself up for letting it go so far again. Because as usual... I realize afterward that I'm just the booty call in his eyes. No matter how hard I try.

 

Ever since the first time he made a move on me and I fell for it, its like he's stopped trying because he realized I really like him... and he constantly lets me come to him. I have no problem going to him and letting him know he's what I want, because I've always been fairly straight forward and confident, however at this point its making me feel sooo stupid because its like he knows I'll eventually text him if he waits long enough. I'm also starting to see a drain in my confidence because of this.

 

How can I move on? Do I bother telling him I want to stop this or should I just proceed with deleting him from FB... and my phone etc.? It sucks because part of me knows that he likes my attention however even if I did text him and tell him I can't be involved physically anymore without my heart being involved, he still would be like "Ok, I understand"...and not even try to fight for it.

 

I feel like some sort of disposable object. Advice is appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

 

You need to give yourself some dignity, he is enjoying having "You" while you are over here feeling troubled.

 

Move on by saving yourself for unnecessary more hurting in the future. (I know it's tough but you can do it)