How to move on from this toxic "friends w/benefits" relationship?

[Grumpybutfun]

im curious though. had you met a really really amazing girl would you fall for her unexpectedly even though you never planed to hace a gf?

 

I met plenty of really, really amazing girls and anyone would have really liked them for long term relationships, but I was happy being unattached. I think one of my problems was that I attracted girls really easily so I liked hanging out with different ones and getting to know them and having wonderful sex with them.

 

With the exception of my sampling, I really was on a search for myself and I had some great times with some girls but I wanted only casual relationships with these women. I was aware enough to know that any feelings I had for these girls weren't real because I wasn't mature enough to know who I was yet. I traveled, went to college and searched for the meaning of life...and it was good for me as I had a very sheltered, religious childhood with neglect. So, no I couldn't have really fallen because I didn't have any idea who I was then.

 

Happily Married Now Though,

Grumps

[ponchsox]

This is why you have to set boundaries. If not, narcissists will use you for their benefit only. The act of sex itself makes you think it's an at of love, while they could give a crap less about you.

[cm00]

In the vast majority of cases, how a guy feels about you the first time he sleeps with you is how he'll always feel about you. If he doesn't see you as a serious girlfriend option, you never will be -- you'll be his FWB, his fu*k buddy. If he sees you as a girl he can date but has no real inclination of you as a long-term partner, that's what you'll remain. If he's really into you, he'll continue to escalate the relationship. Sleeping with a guy to try to get him to love you is something that will always fail.

 

You reference about how a guy feels, but what about a woman? Is it any different when it's a woman who is acting like this?

[Simon Phoenix]

You reference about how a guy feels, but what about a woman? Is it any different when it's a woman who is acting like this?

 

Since I'm not a woman, I can't really comment on this. I was just speaking from my experience as a man. I do know that most women (not all, as you can attest to) forms emotional bonds from sex while most men (not all) see sex as a physical act.

[h0000]

I met plenty of really, really amazing girls and anyone would have really liked them for long term relationships, but I was happy being unattached. I think one of my problems was that I attracted girls really easily so I liked hanging out with different ones and getting to know them and having wonderful sex with them.

 

With the exception of my sampling, I really was on a search for myself and I had some great times with some girls but I wanted only casual relationships with these women. I was aware enough to know that any feelings I had for these girls weren't real because I wasn't mature enough to know who I was yet. I traveled, went to college and searched for the meaning of life...and it was good for me as I had a very sheltered, religious childhood with neglect. So, no I couldn't have really fallen because I didn't have any idea who I was then.

 

Happily Married Now Though,

Grumps

 

so that was definitely a timing thing more than the "right person" thing?

[Grumpybutfun]

so that was definitely a timing thing more than the "right person" thing?

 

Nope, my wife didn't come at a good time either...long story, but let us just say that she was the one...most definitely the right person for me. I completely thought that I wanted to travel some more and date a lot more, and I was still of the opinion that I needed to be more financially stable, a better person, etc. but when she came into my life it was like something just clicked. Boom. I didn't give her the talk, but she gave me the talk which was so great since that was my thing before her. I was told I was a summer thing and she was too young to get serious and for me not to get hooked on her because she didn't want to to hurt me. I was charmed, and had to have her. She was this tiny little blonde with big blue eyes but she had steele in her. She left at the end of the summer and I let her go knowing that I had to give her time to find herself. She showed up on my doorstep one day with her bags and we have been together ever since.

G

[h0000]

Nope, my wife didn't come at a good time either...long story, but let us just say that she was the one...most definitely the right person for me. I completely thought that I wanted to travel some more and date a lot more, and I was still of the opinion that I needed to be more financially stable, a better person, etc. but when she came into my life it was like something just clicked. Boom. I didn't give her the talk, but she gave me the talk which was so great since that was my thing before her. I was told I was a summer thing and she was too young to get serious and for me not to get hooked on her because she didn't want to to hurt me. I was charmed, and had to have her. She was this tiny little blonde with big blue eyes but she had steele in her. She left at the end of the summer and I let her go knowing that I had to give her time to find herself. She showed up on my doorstep one day with her bags and we have been together ever since.

G

 

sounds like a rome-com

so whats the difference between your wife and those other girls that only your wife made you stop looking?

and you took her back after she dated around and showed up at your door?

Edited November 4, 2013 by h0000

[h0000]

To OP i was in a similar relationship and the advice is run fast, run far.. He would also text me and ask to see me whenever I "broke up" with him. But it didnt mean anything. In the end (for nearly a year) he is the one who broke up with me and trust me the hurt is only 100000 more than before and it also damaged my self esteem.

and now im obsessed with the question "am i not good enough". I compare myself to his ex gf and think why cant i be his gf? why doesn't he want a relationship with me?

i want an answer otherwise i cannot move on...

[Grumpybutfun]

sounds like a rome-com

so whats the difference between your wife and those other girls that only your wife made you stop looking?

and you took her back after she dated around and showed up at your door?

 

Here is our story as posted on another thread. I really wasn't looking for anyone either, but when she came to me, I was enchanted, and I still am.

 

Met through introduction of a military colleague who was her brother-in-law at a baseball game I was playing in. When I first saw her my heart did a flip and a flop and I thought, "Damn, she is a military wife or she wouldn't be here." Then her brother-in-law comes up to me after the game and introduces his wife's little sister. It was HER. I invited her for a beer and we talked non-stop for four hours. I was hooked when she pushed me up against the wall and gave me an amazing kiss when she said goodbye.

We had a summer fling where we pretty much were glued at the hip, but she was just visiting her sister so she said "No relationships, I am toooo young. I do not want anything but fun."

I knew this one was an anomaly in the land of women. I was crushed that she didn't want anything more, but I respected her because not to would have violated her opinion on the matter. It took all of my willpower not to fight to the death for her, but I knew she was used to men fighting for her/over her and acting nuts over her so I just reigned it in. In fact after three intense months of a whirlwind courtship, and her reluctance to have anything to do with me long-term because she didn't want to get married and that is the way we both knew this would end, she left me to go home to another state.

However, I gave her her space. I just told her this before she left. I said, "You will be back because you are in love with me. You may not figure this out tomorrow or next month or next year, but we are meant to be together. I am the man you will marry one day. I am as sure of this as I am that I love who you are and what you feel like in my arms."

A week later I get a knock on the door. I had been respectful of her request for no contact, but internally I was crushed that I hadn't even heard form her.

I open the door and there she stands with her suitcase and tears in her eyes. I just wrapped her in my arms and said, "What took you so long?"

We married 1 year and 3 months later, but I was married as soon as she showed up on my doorstep.

 

That's it,

Grumps

[h0000]

and would you say you are more attracted to her than those other women?

and would you say she is "better" in any way than those other women? better looking? maybe?

Edited November 4, 2013 by h0000

[Grumpybutfun]

and would you say you are more attracted to her than those other women?

and would you say she is "better" in any way than those other women? better looking? maybe?

 

She was just better for me than the other women ... She had great values, wanted the same things in life, had a direct line of communication I really loved, no games, no fluff, loved her family sweetly yet placed boundaries on their drama, yet she still had traditional values like marriage and making a house a home while being fiercely independent and having her own successful career, plus she is smart, intellectually stimulating on everything from antique cars to the Cold War. I was more attracted to her, when she spoke she was spiritual, interesting and knew exactly who she was. She was better in that she was good for me...I can be distant and cold and she is warm and fuzzy, giving in her time and generous of spirit. I am analytical, she is creative, but she is also logical when she needs to be and I am interested in creative things like art and music though I am not creative myself.

She is a lovely woman, was a lovely girl, but I don't know if she was better looking than some of those other girls or not. Of course, I may think so because I love her and think she is just perfect, but...maybe they were better looking. I only know after I saw her, I couldn't even remember what any of them looked like.

She really is the best person I have ever known. Sorry OP for hijacking this thread.

OP: I just want to add that I never thought of the girls I hung out before my wife as f*ck buddies as I find that term a little cheap for what we did. I didn't just call them for sex, we hung out and went places, and I valued their time and respected them. They were good women and I am glad they gave me some great memories. I rarely had a bad experience with women, because I tried to be very honest about where my head and heart were. I made some mistakes, but I took responsibility for them and apologized.

Settling for FWB or F*ck buddies when you want more is unnecessary to find guys who want to hang out and have fun with you. You just have to figure out what you want, and then ask for it, and accept nothing less than what you want.

Best,

Grumps

[what_a_blonde]

She really is the best person I have ever known. Sorry OP for hijacking this thread.

OP: I just want to add that I never thought of the girls I hung out before my wife as f*ck buddies as I find that term a little cheap for what we did. I didn't just call them for sex, we hung out and went places, and I valued their time and respected them. They were good women and I am glad they gave me some great memories. I rarely had a bad experience with women, because I tried to be very honest about where my head and heart were. I made some mistakes, but I took responsibility for them and apologized.

Settling for FWB or F*ck buddies when you want more is unnecessary to find guys who want to hang out and have fun with you. You just have to figure out what you want, and then ask for it, and accept nothing less than what you want.

Best,

Grumps

 

No problem, and actually reading your amazing story has given me more to reflect on. I really respect that while you were open and honest with those women, you also didn't just treat them like hookers (haha for lack of better term).

 

I've been clear with him that a solid commitment isn't what I'm looking for, however don't think I've been clear that if we are to continue doing this I need to at least feel valued as a person.... You know, actually ask me how I am after we have been talking about him and his day for an hour or two, maybe go for drinks or something so we can have somewhat of a "friendship" (since he keeps pressing on the fact that this is "two friends having fun"). However I just don't know how to communicate that without seeming needy?

 

I don't know though... Like you said I need to be honest with what I want and not settle for anything less. However in the past I've noticed anytime I try to bring up concerns in person he completely shuts down/freaks out...can't even have an open honest conversation to align.

 

**sigh** I'm thinking I need to have this final convo with him this week (if I even get to see him). I feel weird just going NC without giving him at least something to go off of why I'm suddenly not answering his late night texts or mid week (every two weeks) texts. Or am I being too considerate of his feelings?

 

Sorry for kind of rambling...

[cm00]

Have you thought about making yourself less available to him? Don't say anything, just do it. Let him come to you, when he does, tell him you're busy.

 

My FwB lady behaves so much better toward me when she hasn't seen or heard from me for a while.

Edited November 4, 2013 by cm00

[what_a_blonde]

Have you thought about making yourself less available to him? Don't say anything, just do it. Let him come to you, when he does, tell him you're busy.

 

My FwB lady behaves so much better toward me when she hasn't seen or heard from me for a while.

 

I've done this once before, but I can't stand playing these types of games. Even if I make myself less available, I'm still waiting and hoping he will contact me. I just really don't like to play games. If he contacts me to hang out, and I'm available and want to hang out I will do it. I'm not into telling him I'm busy when I'm truly not, just for the thrill of knowing or hoping that I'm stringing him along.

 

However maybe that's my problem? Maybe he is into these games and I need to start playing?

 

There was one time we text back and forth quite a bit, and while I did want to see him I just preferred to wait for the weekend. He tells me "ah I see, playing hard to get " and I just told him jokingly along the lines of to call it what he wishes.. But that the master of it was him.

 

Needless to say he text me just about every night until I finally caved and saw him on Saturday night. Then of course the cycle started again... No contact from him for about 1 week.. Until I finally sent a flirty hello text.

Edited November 4, 2013 by what_a_blonde

[stillafool]

 

 

 

How can I move on? Do I bother telling him I want to stop this or should I just proceed with deleting him from FB... and my phone etc.?

 

I hate to say this but you are your own worse enemy. Everytime he calls you you fall into bed with him. You cannot be FWB because you are in love with this guy and he is not in love with you. No, do not call him and tell him you are through with him, just be through with him. Do not see him anymore under any circumstance because you are putty in his hands. You can delete him and all the other things you do but what good does it do if you won't follow through. Aren't there other guys you are dating as well? You can be sure this guy is seeing other girls and having the time of his life jumping from one bed to the other. Let him go and never enter a relationship like this again because you can't handle being a FWB and you shouldn't have to.

[toolforgrowth]

Love this.. and your last few sentences are KEY.

 

So, it sounds like you've had to do this on multiple occasions and has been successful?

 

No less than three times. Once with my ex wife, and twice with two ex girlfriends after the divorce.

 

My ex wife and I share a daughter so I can't completely cut her from my life, no matter how much I would love to. But I don't speak to her unless its to take care of some kind of business. Once the business is conducted, the conversation ends. She'll try to be at our daughter's day care when I'm there dropping her off in the morning, much more often lately. I let my daughter out of the car, give her a hug and kiss, and send her inside. All with avoiding contact with my ex wife. Then I drive away. She cheated so she has lost the benefit of having me in her life.

 

My first ex GF I've had to literally shove out of my life. She can't offer what I want so she's gone. She breadcrumbs me every once in a while by sending stupid messages from alias FB accounts and then deactivates them so I can't block them. I just ignore.

 

My most recent ex GF leaves me alone so I don't have to go that far. She's not blocked on FB because she respects my privacy. She dumped me to get back with an ex, so I said "Have a good life" and left it at that. If she were to try to reach out to me, I'd block her then. But since she hasn't, those extremes aren't necessary. I have no desire to reach out to her.

 

In a nutshell, yes I've had a lot of practice. Not sure if that's good or bad, but at least I'm not a doormat.

[PutARingOnIt]

i am in a similar situation. i had let him go but foolishly i gave him another chance because he was saying all the right things. now i am back to feeling like a sex object, a fallback option. i had moved on, now i have to start all over again. fml.

[what_a_blonde]

I hate to say this but you are your own worse enemy. Everytime he calls you you fall into bed with him. You cannot be FWB because you are in love with this guy and he is not in love with you. No, do not call him and tell him you are through with him, just be through with him. Do not see him anymore under any circumstance because you are putty in his hands. You can delete him and all the other things you do but what good does it do if you won't follow through. Aren't there other guys you are dating as well? You can be sure this guy is seeing other girls and having the time of his life jumping from one bed to the other. Let him go and never enter a relationship like this again because you can't handle being a FWB and you shouldn't have to.

 

You're right. Every time I tell myself I'm going to put my foot down and I'm fired up, I end up caving in. Usually because is not for a week or more that I will hear from him and by then I'm not as sad... Mainly because I'm finally over the last time... So I always rationalize to myself why it won't hurt to be friendly to him.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

[pteromom]

its almost like I feel as though something is wrong with me for not being able to push the attraction and feelings aside like he is.

 

Why do you think that it means something is WRONG with you?

 

I don't think that's the case at all.

 

You want to be loved, desired, liked, appreciated... and you aren't going to get that here.

 

Being able to push aside all that you want and settling for being used - THAT would be wrong of you.

 

Move on, and find someone who wants the same things you want.

[Grumpybutfun]

WAB:

Actually as I read your post, I thought you were more of a f*ck buddy than a FWB. The difference is he doesn't acknowledge you outside of sex time and you do most of the pursuing and waiting around. If you are FWB, as I understand that term, you do things as friends like catch a game, go to dinner, hang out with mutual friends for other than clubbing, hook-ups.

From the male viewpoint, he is using you for sex. Only. Honestly, I think it is time to say, "Hey, it's been fun sometimes, but I am going to bounce now." and find a guy who is respectful of you and your body. Nothing wrong with recreational sex, if that is what you want, but respect and kindness goes a long way in making this stuff way less dramatic for you. You can be casual with a guy as long as you are totally honest about what you want and your expectations. My feeling is this current guy doesn't care about how you FEEL. He cares about how he feels and what he is getting out of it. I could be wrong, but even though I am older now, I had/have friends like this and they are immature and players. I wouldn't let any woman I loved around them and they are my friends.

You need to have fun while being respected and valued,

Grumps

[what_a_blonde]

Why do you think that it means something is WRONG with you?

 

I don't think that's the case at all.

 

You want to be loved, desired, liked, appreciated... and you aren't going to get that here.

 

Being able to push aside all that you want and settling for being used - THAT would be wrong of you.

 

Move on, and find someone who wants the same things you want.

 

Very well said. Not sure why, of all people, this guy has caused me to push aside my own heart and feelings, guess he's just one of those classic charmers/players and I was vulnerable... blah!

 

But thank you for this.

[what_a_blonde]

WAB:

Actually as I read your post, I thought you were more of a f*ck buddy than a FWB. The difference is he doesn't acknowledge you outside of sex time and you do most of the pursuing and waiting around. If you are FWB, as I understand that term, you do things as friends like catch a game, go to dinner, hang out with mutual friends for other than clubbing, hook-ups.

From the male viewpoint, he is using you for sex. Only. Honestly, I think it is time to say, "Hey, it's been fun sometimes, but I am going to bounce now." and find a guy who is respectful of you and your body. Nothing wrong with recreational sex, if that is what you want, but respect and kindness goes a long way in making this stuff way less dramatic for you. You can be casual with a guy as long as you are totally honest about what you want and your expectations. My feeling is this current guy doesn't care about how you FEEL. He cares about how he feels and what he is getting out of it. I could be wrong, but even though I am older now, I had/have friends like this and they are immature and players. I wouldn't let any woman I loved around them and they are my friends.

You need to have fun while being respected and valued,

Grumps

 

Great point. This has definitely helped me realize that I'm NOT in the wrong for wanting to feel valued and not feel like just some sort of object in this "arrangement". He keeps saying its fwb but he obviously doesn't understand to be fwb he has to actually be a friend to me too. All this is right now is f*ck buddies like you say, cause I'm only viewed as his sex object. Not cool. Crappy feeling.. but I do need to MOVE ON.

 

I'm just hoping I can do so with dignity... I partially wish he will feel a slight sting by me finally standing up for myself and what I've always believed in and no longer compromising. I'm not counting on it, but a woman can wish.

[what_a_blonde]

Its not a matter of IF, but WHEN, he will text. I want to make sure I know what to say. Or if anything at all.

 

Last time we were intimate was Saturday night, and I usually text him mid-week but this week I didn't because I'm fed up. Its turned into me being the only one who texts first. I've done this once before and I know its only a matter of time before I get some "small talk" text from him. (I think you guys might call it breadcrumbs on here?) It might be this weekend, it might be next week. But I want to be prepared.

 

AS A BACKGROUND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED:

 

I posted a thread earlier this week that gives some details of the situation. But in a nutshell...we used to be "good" friends for about a year. Until one day he made a move on me... at first I turned him down because I was in shock. However eventually turned to like the idea, and we've been intimate about 5 times. (FYI this happened over a year timespan.. it took me a few months to warm up to the idea of me and him as something other than friends.)

 

Well, he didn't tell me until after a couple times that this is only "two friends having fun". I had asked him about what "this" is, and just told him I want to feel like I'm more than just some disposable piece of meat. And that it doesn't really feel like we are truly friends anymore. He only texts me every so often and its usually when the outcome is one thing. He always makes plans with me to do happy hours, but then will cancel last minute. I feel if we were true friends he would ask about me every once in a while, especially after I ask about him and his life and listen to him for hours on in.

 

Last Saturday we happened to be at the same hang out. I was talking to some of his guy friends who knew who I was and that he and I had something going on. My "friend" asks if anyone wants anything.. we all say no but his friends tell him to bring me something. On his way back from the bar, we watch him bring a drink to some OTHER girl... whom he says "oh, she is a friend so-so's gf..." etc. Ya, I know we aren't dating. But it still felt like a punch in the stomach. Even his guy friends seemed surprised he did that.

 

Anyway, I need to be over this. Everytime we are intimate, the next day I feel like crap. I feel like a booty call, a disposable object to him. I realize that I'm not gonna get any texts from him until the next time he wants some. It hurts because he never wants to address it and actually freaks out anytime I try to have a mature discussion about it. He constantly says "we are two friends having fun" and "he doesn't want to hurt me"...

 

So... if I get a breadcrumbs text, what do I say?

 

I do want to go completely NC, however part of me doesn't want to do that until he knows why. He continues to act oblivious like there is nothing wrong with how he is treating me. So when he finally texts me... I kind of want to tell him I'm no longer playing his games and I'm over this, etc. Kind of give him a piece of my mind in hopes that he will someday realize the crap he is doing is so, so wrong.

 

Or should I just not respond?

 

Sorry this is so long but thanks for reading.

Edited November 8, 2013 by what_a_blonde

[Clay]

Well it sounds like you are in the FWB zone. I think you are right you are only seeing him come around when he wants something. I understand that having sex with someone does cause some feelings thus making it difficult to separate friendship from relationship. You are probably best to just tell him you just want to be friends and stick to it. If you feel you will let in if he comes around then the NC is best option for you. I love the concept of FWB but I am not good with it personally. I had a few GFs in my past where it did work out to some degree but it really killed our friendship in the long run. While we all love sex I think it being with someone we care about is much better.

 

Sounds like you deserve better.

 

Clay

[PutARingOnIt]

if you don't put your foot down, he will continue to treat you that way. either ignore his texts or tell him how you feel. if he doesn't like it, tell him to take a hike.

 

and some people really need to know the difference between a f*ck buddy and a fwb. fwb means you are actually friends who do things besides have sex.

Edited November 8, 2013 by PutARingOnIt