How to move on from this toxic "friends w/benefits" relationship?

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

What you need to understand is that silence is the LOUDEST message you can ever send.

 

People don't believe what we say, they believe what we do. Silent is doing...

 

Heal yourself.

[Fufu]

The reason why he is so OBLIVIOUS was because you put yourself there for him... readily for him.

 

I just don't understand why do you keep wanting to intimate with him and then feeling awful the next day and keep on repeating this vicious cycle.

 

Just go NC, you don't have to reply him or give him an explanation.

 

Date someone who treats you like a REAL GF.

[maznblu16]

Put your foot down and tell him how you feel. Give the ultimatum of either truly being your friend....and by friend, I mean Friend, not friend with benefits. Give him the ultimatum of being either your friend, or nothing at all.

You were under the impression that you were more than just friends....because you were, and for him to blatantly get up in front of you, and hand another girl a drink was his way of confirming that hes only in it for the sex. He will likely just move on to someone else and do the same immature thing. At that point, you just have to wonder if he's really worth being your friend if this is how he treats other people.

[what_a_blonde]

What you need to understand is that silence is the LOUDEST message you can ever send.

 

People don't believe what we say, they believe what we do. Silent is doing...

 

Heal yourself.

 

I like this.

 

I haven't told him anything yet though... Will me not answering even the simplest text messages make him realize I'm moving on from this?

 

Once in the past I told him how much this sucks and I don't know if I can do it anymore... But low and behold I caved. So it's embarrassing to think I told him once, and went back to him... Now he probably doesn't take it serious even if I did say I'm done.

 

So I think you're right... My silence will speak louder than anything. I think he's so used to me coming to him at the drop of a hat that he'll realiZe something's not right when I don't respond. At all.

[what_a_blonde]

Put your foot down and tell him how you feel. Give the ultimatum of either truly being your friend....and by friend, I mean Friend, not friend with benefits. Give him the ultimatum of being either your friend, or nothing at all.

You were under the impression that you were more than just friends....because you were, and for him to blatantly get up in front of you, and hand another girl a drink was his way of confirming that hes only in it for the sex. He will likely just move on to someone else and do the same immature thing. At that point, you just have to wonder if he's really worth being your friend if this is how he treats other people.

It's weird. I don't think I even can give him the ultimatum of friends. I've done that before and he always says "we ARE friends" but that's bs. I feel like a real friend wouldn't have continued to pursue me for his own interests if he knew my heart would get hurt or involved. And I feel like a real friend would show true interest in me and my life... But he doesn't even do that.

 

So I do agree with what you're saying, and it sounds like I'm just going to have to drop him completely. Ultimatums don't work with him cause as he sees it now.. We ARE "friends". *sighhh*

[what_a_blonde]

if you don't put your foot down, he will continue to treat you that way. either ignore his texts or tell him how you feel. if he doesn't like it, tell him to take a hike.

 

and some people really need to know the difference between a f*ck buddy and a fwb. fwb means you are actually friends who do things besides have sex.

 

Agree, he continues to press we are FWB but it's not that way at all. I'm a f*ck buddy like u say. Sucks to realize that but better now than never or too late.

[what_a_blonde]

UPDATE...

 

Wake up around 3am to a text from him..

 

12:51am - "Jack in the crack off Mockingbird"

 

I haven't responded and do not plan to. Typically these are the types of random things he would text me just to get a response from me. Its never a "Hey, how are you?" text anymore.

 

He will send things that are completely random. I used to respond.. you know the good ol "lol are you out drinking?" or something cutesy ... to which he would then respond and somehow we would end up seeing one another.

 

Not anymore. I'm NOT FALLING FOR THIS TRAP! Its not even worth overanalyzing, but how do I know he isn't trying to make me feel like that text was supposed to be for "someone else" that he is meeting up with... even if he is, I really don't care and I feel kinda sorry for her.

 

Either way, I usually would have responded to something like this at least when I wake up in the morning to make sure he made it home ok, or something. Then he would maybe give me a short response... and tell me to have good day. But not today. I'm feeling fairly over it- and slightly empowered right now.

 

Ya'll have inspired me!

[forgetmenot75]

I feel for you, so much!

If you have a chance, please read my threads. Exact situation here.

Fell for a player, he wanted only sex, on his terms. Replied only when he was alone/bored. I suffered months of misery. Went no contact several times (15 days, then 1 month, then 4 months in a row) I could never forget about him, even though he played me so well.

I met him on December and this has been a miserable rollercoaster for me.

 

My advice:

 

1. No contact. you can either tell him or not. I prefer to tell him because if not I'm feeling guilty. silly, I know. I didn't tell him I was going no contact the first times, but last time I adviced him I was deleting him from my life, and I said goodbye to him. So he'll know.

2. Delete him from your social media

3. block your iphone.

4. erase every trace of him on your life

5. no stalking, no nothing

6. move on

 

This is extremely difficult, but your only choice. He won't change. BELIEVE ME. you will be always a booty call until he finds the right one. You are disposable. He won't miss you, he won't beg to you to stay, he won't make you feel you are loved. NEVER.

Do this for yourself. Go no contact now. He's a selfish prick. a charming selfish prick, for sure. You deserve more.

[forgetmenot75]

UPDATE...

 

Wake up around 3am to a text from him..

 

12:51am - "Jack in the crack off Mockingbird"

 

I haven't responded and do not plan to. Typically these are the types of random things he would text me just to get a response from me. Its never a "Hey, how are you?" text anymore.

 

He will send things that are completely random. I used to respond.. you know the good ol "lol are you out drinking?" or something cutesy ... to which he would then respond and somehow we would end up seeing one another.

 

Not anymore. I'm NOT FALLING FOR THIS TRAP! Its not even worth overanalyzing, but how do I know he isn't trying to make me feel like that text was supposed to be for "someone else" that he is meeting up with... even if he is, I really don't care and I feel kinda sorry for her.

 

Either way, I usually would have responded to something like this at least when I wake up in the morning to make sure he made it home ok, or something. Then he would maybe give me a short response... and tell me to have good day. But not today. I'm feeling fairly over it- and slightly empowered right now.

 

Ya'll have inspired me!

 

Don't answer. Tell him you're not his friends with benefits anymore, and that you want a serious relationship. If he can't give this to you, tell him you're blocking him so you can move on.

That text at midnight is a booty call. he was probably trying to hook up with another girl, went wrong so he texted you. Feel the power on blocking the idiot. He knows for sure you're hurting, but he doesn't give a sh## about how yuo feel. This won't change, you need to understand this in order to move on. He will never see you as a potentially girlfriend. You will never be his first option. Pick up your self esteem and block him. I know you can do it

[what_a_blonde]

I feel for you, so much!

If you have a chance, please read my threads. Exact situation here.

Fell for a player, he wanted only sex, on his terms. Replied only when he was alone/bored. I suffered months of misery. Went no contact several times (15 days, then 1 month, then 4 months in a row) I could never forget about him, even though he played me so well.

I met him on December and this has been a miserable rollercoaster for me.

 

My advice:

 

1. No contact. you can either tell him or not. I prefer to tell him because if not I'm feeling guilty. silly, I know. I didn't tell him I was going no contact the first times, but last time I adviced him I was deleting him from my life, and I said goodbye to him. So he'll know.

2. Delete him from your social media

3. block your iphone.

4. erase every trace of him on your life

5. no stalking, no nothing

6. move on

 

This is extremely difficult, but your only choice. He won't change. BELIEVE ME. you will be always a booty call until he finds the right one. You are disposable. He won't miss you, he won't beg to you to stay, he won't make you feel you are loved. NEVER.

Do this for yourself. Go no contact now. He's a selfish prick. a charming selfish prick, for sure. You deserve more.

 

I read some of your posts and they do indeed come across as very similar! Thanks for your input. You've very right... I'm just a booty call.. and no matter how much he tries to convince me otherwise he does not truly see me as his friend and I AM completely disposable (to him).

 

I won't lie in saying that I don't still think about him. But this site has helped me realize a lot of things where I went wrong with this... and it is hard to accept but I guess I can only grow. Just feels crappy to have been sooo naive- especially when usually I've thought myself to be well-grounded, independent, and confident. (not to sound like I have a big head.. I just feel like this whole incident has been out of character for me and has brought me down so much in so many aspects of my life)

 

Amazing how one person can somehow jump all the ropes and boundaries when you're least guarded.

[Swia34]

I have been in your shoes, and have had the same feelings about my "friends with benefits" buddy. I felt like I was just a disposable object to this guy, and when he wanted it I would be there (because that was the truth). I wanted him to like me and desire me just as I desired him.

 

What I found out?

 

I couldn't keep putting my heart out there to get stomped on. Nothing would change. So, I just decided to stop texting him. He eventually stopped texting me, but I feel like I saved myself from bigger heartbreak if I continued to sleep with this guy.

Do your heart a favor and stop talking to him! Block his news on your feed (or delete him). Trust me, you can't go back to having a friendship like you did before you started being intimate. It sucks... But you are doing yourself a favor!

[what_a_blonde]

Ya, I am assuming that slowly he will stop texting me too. It just crushes me that he doesn't care... and he knows I started to develop feelings about him but continued to pursue me physically (even though he kept saying "he doesn't want to hurt me").

[what_a_blonde]

SOOOO....

 

I'm helping a good friend make a Match.com dating profile, and I told her I would search for guys for her that I think she should contact. (she has been single for almost 4 years now.. can't seem to find a steady relationship)

 

GUESS WHO I FIND? Yep.... my "friend" - with benefits. Same picture he uses for his Facebook profile.

 

I didn't click because I know he would see that my friend viewed his profile (and they also work together)... but that added to some pain tonight. He's been active within the past 24 hours.

 

Part of me wants to see what his profile description says. I want to see what he is looking for. What he "says" his story is. Where I'm falling short... or if he is just out there womanizing everyone.

 

[forgetmenot75]

SOOOO....

 

I'm helping a good friend make a Match.com dating profile, and I told her I would search for guys for her that I think she should contact. (she has been single for almost 4 years now.. can't seem to find a steady relationship)

 

GUESS WHO I FIND? Yep.... my "friend" - with benefits. Same picture he uses for his Facebook profile.

 

I didn't click because I know he would see that my friend viewed his profile (and they also work together)... but that added to some pain tonight. He's been active within the past 24 hours.

 

Part of me wants to see what his profile description says. I want to see what he is looking for. What he "says" his story is. Where I'm falling short... or if he is just out there womanizing everyone.

 

 

Please stop hurting yourself. You'll discover he's been seeing more girls, and sleeping with them. My "ex" has 5 dating profiles, and he's active daily (at least he was one month ago-I don't stalk him anymore)

 

Delete you "friend" now. Stop searching for answers. He doesn't love you.

[Fufu]

SOOOO....

 

I'm helping a good friend make a Match.com dating profile, and I told her I would search for guys for her that I think she should contact. (she has been single for almost 4 years now.. can't seem to find a steady relationship)

 

GUESS WHO I FIND? Yep.... my "friend" - with benefits. Same picture he uses for his Facebook profile.

 

I didn't click because I know he would see that my friend viewed his profile (and they also work together)... but that added to some pain tonight. He's been active within the past 24 hours.

 

Part of me wants to see what his profile description says. I want to see what he is looking for. What he "says" his story is. Where I'm falling short... or if he is just out there womanizing everyone.

 

 

Ignore.. don't look at his profile.

[what_a_blonde]

I couldn't wait any longer, I decided to text him to let him know I came across him on match.com, and this has to be over with because I can't continue to be a booty call.

 

He throws a curve ball I wasn't expecting:

 

"I apologize if I hurt your feelings didn't mean to which is why I was clear at the beginning. That was not my intention to hurt your feelings and was looking to be friends"

 

He sent that text literally as I clicked the "Delete Friend" button. And FB didn't even ask me to confirm the delete! Just poof.. gone.

 

But gosh this hurts. I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep.

 

Am I petty for jumping the gun and deleting him? He has proven all he wants to do is continue to try to call us friends, tell me he never wanted to lead me on, yet continue to use my body (with no real friendship as he constantly says there is).

 

He also did not make anything clear from the beginning.. it wasn't until we were far into it and he had said many things to lead me on that he finally tells me he's not looking for anything months later.

 

Is this just another tactic of making me second guess myself?

 

I don't know if he notices I've deleted him yet because I told him:

 

"Sorry but I really dont think we belong in eachothers lives.. at all.. right now and at least as far as I can see forward. This can't be anything, I care to much and can't go back to the mediocre friends level you're wanting"

 

He says : "I don't like that, but sounds like you made up your mind."

 

I'm hoping tomorrow will be easier...

[Canadiangirl78]

It sounds like you already know what the right answer is. You know you are worth much much more than he is willing to give. Stick to your guns, you'll be just fine without him.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why did you feel the need to announce it? Just delete him. And no where in the apology did he say that he wanted a relationship with you.

[what_a_blonde]

Why did you feel the need to announce it? Just delete him. And no where in the apology did he say that he wanted a relationship with you.

 

I didn't announce to him I was officially deleting him from FB... but I just felt I had a little more bottled up to say that I wanted to get out while simultaneously deleting him from my life. However what he said made me 2nd guess.

 

As for his apology.. you're right, he didn't but consider that we had been friends for a little over a year, prior to him making a move on me and telling me that he's always wanted to be with me... etc..

 

At first I didn't cave but as months progressed and he stayed persistent, I grew comfortable with the idea and began to think of him as more.. and we finally took it to that next level.

 

After a little while of us taking it to the next level he tells me he just wants this to be "two friends having fun". Again, this is after he's told me from the start that since the day we met he had a thing for me, and its just grown over the past year, and that he wishes we could have a thing.

[what_a_blonde]

It sounds like you already know what the right answer is. You know you are worth much much more than he is willing to give. Stick to your guns, you'll be just fine without him.

 

Thanks and Yes, you're right.. I probably do know.

 

But this is a time where hearing the confirmation and input of everyone on here is really helpful. This whole situation with him has been going on for so long that its somehow made me doubt a lot of who I am... and I don't really have a lot of others in my life who can relate or understand so I'm so glad I've found this forum... positive and negative comments alike.

[Simon Phoenix]

I didn't announce to him I was officially deleting him from FB... but I just felt I had a little more bottled up to say that I wanted to get out while simultaneously deleting him from my life. However what he said made me 2nd guess.

 

As for his apology.. you're right, he didn't but consider that we had been friends for a little over a year, prior to him making a move on me and telling me that he's always wanted to be with me... etc..

 

At first I didn't cave but as months progressed and he stayed persistent, I grew comfortable with the idea and began to think of him as more.. and we finally took it to that next level.

 

After a little while of us taking it to the next level he tells me he just wants this to be "two friends having fun". Again, this is after he's told me from the start that since the day we met he had a thing for me, and its just grown over the past year, and that he wishes we could have a thing.

 

Well, the friendship as it currently stands doesn't work for you. He's just trying to keep it so he keeps getting ass. Don't be a weakling and cave.

[Fufu]

He's outta your life..

 

so it's all about you now.

[what_a_blonde]

Well, the friendship as it currently stands doesn't work for you. He's just trying to keep it so he keeps getting ass. Don't be a weakling and cave.

 

 

Thanks. No weakling here! Just hate that he is making me 2nd guess my decision to want to stay out of each others lives. Hate, hate, hate it! I know deep down this was the right thing, especially because I'm already realizing today how much I relied on seeing him online and "stalking" his FB page, that it somewhat feels like a weight off my shoulder... But also wondering if deleting him was too, too drastic. Especially since we work at the same place and have a ton of friends in common.

 

Blah, whatever. Can't take it back now I guess!

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks. No weakling here! Just hate that he is making me 2nd guess my decision to want to stay out of each others lives. Hate, hate, hate it! I know deep down this was the right thing, especially because I'm already realizing today how much I relied on seeing him online and "stalking" his FB page, that it somewhat feels like a weight off my shoulder... But also wondering if deleting him was too, too drastic. Especially since we work at the same place and have a ton of friends in common.

 

Blah, whatever. Can't take it back now I guess!

 

It's not. And you are the one making yourself second guess because you are scared. You are so used to being his plaything it's tough for you to actually stand up and show some value. But you did and you have to stick to it. You know he's not going to give you what you want, so no regrets, move forward, play like a champion.

[what_a_blonde]

As an update... I get a random chat message at the end of the day on Thursday that says: "having a good day/week?"

 

I haven't talked to him for almost 2 weeks (since I "ended" me being his play toy), then I get that.

 

It was so weird. I saw a chat message pop up out of the corner of my eye as I was trying to complete my day at work, but never in a million years expected it to be him.

 

When I saw it was his name... My whole body went cold and my stomach sank... Weirdest feeling I've had in a long time. I buried my head in my hands, sighed, and didn't know what to do.

 

Well... Good thing is I never responded back. He didn't even give me time to (thankfully). He logged off less than 1 minute after sending me that message. I'll admit part of me wanted to send a text acknowledging that I saw his chat msg but I refrained. There was no point in trying to carry on that conversation into the evening over text.

 

Freakin weird. Why send a message then bolt?

Edited November 24, 2013 by what_a_blonde