He won't leave me alone!

[Popsicle]

Always always go to their house in the future.

[beach]

Change your number and all contact means.

[AmyBamy]

Always always go to their house in the future.

 

I will from now on, or at least ask around more! I just assumed he was telling me the truth when I asked him questions.

 

And, I can't change my number, I've had it for like 15 years and need it to stay the same for other reasons. Eventually, he will leave me alone I think, as he is not getting any response from me at all. As for his wife, I don't know. I honestly think she has snapped or something. From all accounts she was pretty normal before he divorced her. I think she is having the hardest time dealing with the divorce than the relationship we had, and she is taking it all out on me. She is begging him to not go through with the divorce and kissing up to him like crazy. She does not want the marriage to end and is even telling him that she will do an open marriage if he just agrees to not divorce her.

 

Again I just want them and their craziness out of my life and far away from me. It will die down eventually and I'm hoping for sooner rather than later. I am not responding at all and trying my hardest to not provoke anything although it is hard to determine sometimes what will provoke crazy people.

 

I will press charges though if she violates the protective order I have against her. I understand her anger and frustration but I will not deal with that kind of violence or aggression from anyone. Especially not when she is aiming it at the wrong damn person.

[whichwayisup]

I'm going to continue to ignore him. I told our mutual friend this and although she would like to see us date, she thinks we would be really great together in ways he and his wife are not, she is supportive. I'm sure that she will talk to her boyfriend about this who will then talk to my ex about this. I just told her that I would possibly consider dating him WHEN he is divorced from his wife. If that never happens it is fine with me but at least then I won't be in a relationship with him and be disappointed. I just can't take the chance that he might be lying to me.

 

If he divorces I would consider it but even then I would have reservations siince he was dishonest about his status from the beginning. He did immediately come clean when I confronted him a couple weeks ago but that is a little too little too late if you ask me.

 

Thanks for all of the advice.

 

Your friend has given you bad advice. Sorry but to encourage someone to continue an affair, just because she feels you two would be great together really means nothing because he is married. Yes when and IF he divorces, then date him. Until then continue to ignore him and go on with your life. I'm glad to hear that you're thinking about this with rose coloured glasses off and realistically.

[beach]

I will from now on, or at least ask around more! I just assumed he was telling me the truth when I asked him questions.

 

And, I can't change my number, I've had it for like 15 years and need it to stay the same for other reasons. Eventually, he will leave me alone I think, as he is not getting any response from me at all. As for his wife, I don't know. I honestly think she has snapped or something. From all accounts she was pretty normal before he divorced her. I think she is having the hardest time dealing with the divorce than the relationship we had, and she is taking it all out on me. She is begging him to not go through with the divorce and kissing up to him like crazy. She does not want the marriage to end and is even telling him that she will do an open marriage if he just agrees to not divorce her.

 

Again I just want them and their craziness out of my life and far away from me. It will die down eventually and I'm hoping for sooner rather than later. I am not responding at all and trying my hardest to not provoke anything although it is hard to determine sometimes what will provoke crazy people.

 

I will press charges though if she violates the protective order I have against her. I understand her anger and frustration but I will not deal with that kind of violence or aggression from anyone. Especially not when she is aiming it at the wrong damn person.

 

Then have you blocked his number?

[AmyBamy]

Then have you blocked his number?

 

Yes, and all of our social media connections too. He has gotten around that a few different ways, but I just keep blocking numbers as need be.

 

Honestly I don't think he is the problem. I'm not saying that having an affair was the correct way to respond to his marital unhappiness, but his wife is proving to be very difficult and I can see where his frustration might have come from. It seems that she values only his financial contribution really and I can understand why that would be unpleasant for him.

 

Having said that, I am not seeing him or talking to him at this time. He has filed for divorce and I have been privy to proof of that. I have no doubt he will go through with it especially if she continues to act the way she has been (and yes I do understand why she is mad and acting out but still).

 

If he shows up at my house without an invite I will politely ask him to leave and if he refuses I will get a protection order against him too. I have far too much to do in my life and do not have time for these silly dramatic scenes that his wife keeps attempting to cause. I might have spoken with her calmly had she not approached me initially as if I was the entire problem in her life, I'm not. She obviously has much bigger problems than me that she needs to deal with.

 

I do appreciate all of the advice and responses. I just needed a place to get some feedback from others that have been there as this is a new situation for me and none of my friends have ever dealt with it themselves.

[Raena]

Just a word of advice... I wouldn't use her behavior right now as an indicator of what their marriage was like. Cheaters tend to use what's called "gaslighting". Look it up. His actions towards her could very well be prompting her to behave in a crazy manner. I would stop listening to what other people are telling you about what is going on because, more than likely, they have no idea what kind of lies he has been telling his wife all these years too. His actions could very well be the precipitating cause for her "craziness". He may have been complaining about being married to her, but he was complaining to the wrong people... his friends... when he should have been talking to her instead. So, just keep that in mind when you look at her behavior right now. This has obviously put her over the edge.

[Solcita2]

I went through something similar a few years ago, finding out I was the OW after the break up.

 

To make a long story short, he always said he wasn't even married to the mother of his children, and when we met they've been separated for at least 2 years. They were good friends and co-parent. I thought that was great.

 

He proposed to me and even asked me to move to his country. We were very open about our relationship, I knew all his friends, business partner and even his kids through skype (I insisted him to tell them I was just a friend, until they got to know me better).

 

I resigned my job, started packing my bags when one of his best friends came over and stopped me. He said he traveled to see him and he was living happy family life with HIS WIFE. That it was a lie they were separated (he was surprised as well, he didn't live in the same country). He said something like "do you know how it was like for me and my brother to be sitting at that table when one week before we were having dinner with you and celebrating your engagement?"

 

I confronted him, he denied everything and said his friend was secretly in love with me or something stupid like that.

 

Eventually he broke up with me out of the blue... I logged into his facebook and emails (we had exchanged passwords but never saw it before) and found out it was all truth AND MORE: while being with me and his wife, he was already trying to hook up with other girls, saying his friend's business was his and that kind of stuff...

I kept reading a lot just to convince myself it was over and there was not coming back (at this point I didn't trust myself). So one day I just logged into the messenger and told his wife that I wasn't him and please tell him to change ALL his passwords because he's been hacked. Never told who I was, I just logged out while she kept asking me who I was.

 

For some reason I didn't want to make a big drama, so I never contacted his wife, maybe because I felt SHE KNEW AND DIDN'T CARE. Later his friend told me his wife didn't care about other women, as long as it didn't disturb her household... him proposing was too much and that's why it had to end... so there you have, it's pretty much like you, the wife of your MM didn't care, until you were not just another girl...

 

Him going through the divorce I see it as something possitive, however I don't know if I'd date him... the ex will always be his children's mother... and she will ALWAYS hate you and you will ALWAYS be the homewecker... please keep that in mind. He should be less selfish and take care of you from now on... and if taking care of you means being away (at least for a while - as for a year), so be it.

 

I wish you the best of lucks! I also understand why at some point you did think of dating him even when you knew he was married... I've been there as well... love is not only blind, it's terribly stupid sometimes too...

 

S.

[LornaFE]

Amy, he IS the problem. It is NOT his wife. Raena got it right with the "gaslighting". I can talk from experience how these cheaters work and how you feel as their prey. If you still have feelings for them and start argue with them they will turn around all the facts, deny whatever happend and tell you that you are crazy. And people who are used to lie are very convincing. I cannot look into their head, but for me ist seems it is a pattern like this: "What I just said is the truth. It is how I see the world, how the world fits me most, so it must be true. I heard even someone saying the same thing. Oh, the one saying it was me? Good, the more true is becomes!"

 

For the wife it must be especially bad -- it is hard to accept that someone lied to you for 20 years. 20 years! I cannot even imagine how hard that must be.

 

I have the same experience as you. Someone was with me three month before telling me that he is married (that happend to weeks ago). Of course, he told me he will get a divorce, and I guess he really would, but honestly: Who wants so be with a cheater and liar? He will cheat on his next wife, too. Because it it him who caused the situation, not her or you.

 

That the wife directs her anger on you scares me. I was convinced it is good to tell the wife, so she knows. But of course, he lies to her, too. And of course, you rather want to believe a person you know for 20 years than some random b*** that seduced him - hecause that might be what he told his wife. Cheaters are very good to present themselves as the victim.

[experiencethedevine]

I'm going to continue to ignore him. I told our mutual friend this and although she would like to see us date, she thinks we would be really great together in ways he and his wife are not, she is supportive. I'm sure that she will talk to her boyfriend about this who will then talk to my ex about this. I just told her that I would possibly consider dating him WHEN he is divorced from his wife. If that never happens it is fine with me but at least then I won't be in a relationship with him and be disappointed. I just can't take the chance that he might be lying to me.

 

If he divorces I would consider it but even then I would have reservations siince he was dishonest about his status from the beginning. He did immediately come clean when I confronted him a couple weeks ago but that is a little too little too late if you ask me. Thanks for all of the advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have made a mature and very wise decision.

 

 

Continue to do so by not being swayed by your friends opinions or third hand gossip.

 

 

You have been sensible and shrewd enough to protect yourself from potential emotional harm while you wait for someone who will be honest, single and worthy of your full attention.

 

 

Good luck to you.

[stillafool]

 

I think she is having the hardest time dealing with the divorce than the relationship we had, and she is taking it all out on me. She is begging him to not go through with the divorce and kissing up to him like crazy. She does not want the marriage to end and is even telling him that she will do an open marriage if he just agrees to not divorce her.

people.

 

 

How do you know all of this if you have no contact with him? If it's through this friend of yours you should tell her to not tell you anymore of this couples business.

[Popsicle]

He is lying to you and the wife. You just don't realize that he's lying to you yet.

[stillafool]

 

Honestly I don't think he is the problem. I'm not saying that having an affair was the correct way to respond to his marital unhappiness, but his wife is proving to be very difficult and I can see where his frustration might have come from. It seems that she values only his financial contribution really and I can understand why that would be unpleasant for him.

 

 

 

 

Well he is the one who lied about his marriage and was cheating on her. Most of the cheating MM say their wives are only interested in the money they bring in. I wish I had a dime for every time they tell that lie. This man is definitely NO PRIZE. Neither are those friends of yours who continue to push you to be with this MM. You'd do well to leave them all alone.

[phloxxandsoxx]

To end it:

 

Call his bluff on his wife knowing about it and being ok with it. The wife is NEVER ok with it.

 

Send her an anonymous unmarked no-return-address letter telling her all about it with dates and times, and enclose something that jerk gave you that she will know was his or hers.

 

That will end it.

 

If the MM stalking me doesn't leave me alone by the end of this week, I'm doing the same damned thing and informing his wife of it all from start to finish.

 

Men want harems. Period. You are no concubine.

 

Break free.

[Pastypop]

Unfortunately, ignoring and being passive with make him cross more boundaries and continue with the harassment. He may become vengeful and get a lot worse. You need to send him this text " do not call, email, write, im, come to see me or contact me for any reason. Do not retaliate against me because I refuse to have an affair with you"!! Be very firm and direct. When he tries to respond, cut him off and tell him that are done with this matter and if he continues to contact you, you will tell his wife and report him to the phone company and the police. Next, contact the phone company and report him. I have experienced an issue similar as this and he would not leave me alone until I got forceful with him. He bothered me for three months prior and tired to get me fired from my job until I did this. He ran away like a cowed dog after.

[AmyBamy]

I appreciate everyone's concern, but honestly, it's fine. His wife and I had a long talk the other night, and he was not lying to her apparently. She was hateful to me a few times, but I had to know what her side of the story was. She said that he promised her that he would not divorce her no matter what relationship he had outside of their marriage. She said she is asexual and has no interest in a physical relationship with anyone at all and that this has caused problems in their marriage for the past 10 years at least. She said that she was most upset that he filed for divorce and she did apologize for taking it out on me, but then added, "but you represent the divorce to me now".

 

I'm glad that we talked, and I'm not sure how honest she was, but she seemed like she was being open. She may have been a little drunk, and I may have taken advantage of that by asking questions but I really needed to know what the story was. She called me to bitch me out and I just told her, "look, I did not know he was married". She said that he told her that too but she hadn't believed him. For some reason she believed me and I'm glad because it is the truth!

 

She said that they had a sort of agreement to stay married until their youngest was out of the house. She was very angry that he is now not sticking to this plan with her. She knew he was seeing someone but didn't know who it was.

 

This whole thing is just too much drama. They are a mess and I told her as much. I told her that I want her not to contact me any further because I want to move on and think that she should too. She was excited that I'm not seeing him or talking to him as she is still trying to convince him to stay married "at least until our youngest is out of the house". I told her that was between them and I wanted nothing to do with it. She knows that I've blocked him and am not responding to him, if she believes me about it. She asked me to please not be with him so that she can try to "win" him back and I told her I have no intentions of being with him at this time.

 

So messed up the whole thing. I'm not worried about it escalating. He did call me once in the past few days and left me a message. I just didn't respond and didn't answer since it was a number I didn't recognize. I have no plan on responding even though he asked me to call him and said that he will leave me alone and give me space for now. He said on the message that he understands my anger but I'm not even angry I just hate stupid childish drama and want to leave them to it. He apologized for his wife's behavior and the fact that I had to call the police on her. Said he has no idea why she is acting like she "wants" him now since they've known for years that their marriage was over.

 

I have a date this weekend with someone, not MM! I am just moving on, period. I don't want any part of that mess. It just makes me sad to see what some marriages turn into for some people. I am always amazed at the amount of craziness involved in some people's love lives, it is absolutely ridiculous to me.

[AmyBamy]

How do you know all of this if you have no contact with him? If it's through this friend of yours you should tell her to not tell you anymore of this couples business.

 

She is doing a lot of this in public. She literally stalks him and confronts him out in public saying these things to him. People are talking about it all over town because she is acting so weird. I have a job that allows me to hear a lot of our community's inner most secrets and her name has been coming up a lot lately.

[AmyBamy]

Amy, he IS the problem. It is NOT his wife. Raena got it right with the "gaslighting". I can talk from experience how these cheaters work and how you feel as their prey. If you still have feelings for them and start argue with them they will turn around all the facts, deny whatever happend and tell you that you are crazy. And people who are used to lie are very convincing. I cannot look into their head, but for me ist seems it is a pattern like this: "What I just said is the truth. It is how I see the world, how the world fits me most, so it must be true. I heard even someone saying the same thing. Oh, the one saying it was me? Good, the more true is becomes!"

 

For the wife it must be especially bad -- it is hard to accept that someone lied to you for 20 years. 20 years! I cannot even imagine how hard that must be.

 

I have the same experience as you. Someone was with me three month before telling me that he is married (that happend to weeks ago). Of course, he told me he will get a divorce, and I guess he really would, but honestly: Who wants so be with a cheater and liar? He will cheat on his next wife, too. Because it it him who caused the situation, not her or you.

 

That the wife directs her anger on you scares me. I was convinced it is good to tell the wife, so she knows. But of course, he lies to her, too. And of course, you rather want to believe a person you know for 20 years than some random b*** that seduced him - hecause that might be what he told his wife. Cheaters are very good to present themselves as the victim.

 

His wife did apologize to me for stalking me and making me call the police on her at my house. But I could tell that she still has a lot of jealousy towards me. I tried to explain to her that since I was unaware that he was married that she was really mad at the wrong person. Even had I known that he was married it is strange to me that she wants to continue to be married to him but wants to hate me. That just doesn't make sense to me.

 

But she did apologize and I told her it was fine but that I would do the same thing again. She also broke the protection order by calling me but I spoke with her so I won't do anything with that. I did tell her to not contact me any further though and she said she wouldn't. We will see if she sticks to it. If not I will be forced to take legal action against her again and she knows I will if I need to.

 

I don't think she is a terrible person but she definitely has some issues. She seems really really immature and that is just something that really bothers me in adults. She doesn't seem like someone I would want as a friend really but I'm sure she is okay usually just not the type of person I would hang out with by choice ever. I kind of am judging him on the fact that this is who he was married to for so long. That he was attracted to someone like her makes me think that he is not the type of person I thought he was and not the type of guy I would actually date. I am not big on shallow and insecure and immature people and he must be those things too to have been attracted to her I think.

[whichwayisup]

You don't know her. This cheating and betrayal has shaken her to the core so you're seeing an ugly side of her, a woman just had her life turned upside down. Don't judge her so harshly. You didn't know he was married, and he led you on and played you, so that in itself should be enough evidence that he is NOT the one for you at all. Yet you say this:

 

"That he was attracted to someone like her makes me think that he is not the type of person I thought he was and not the type of guy I would actually date. I am not big on shallow and insecure and immature people and he must be those things too to have been attracted to her I think."

 

He isn't the person you thought he was regardless of who you think she is. Again, you saw a devastated side of her, not the person he is truly married to. Nobody is in their right mind when a D day happens.

 

Anyway, best to move on with your life and let them sort out theirs. If she chooses to forgive him, so be it. It's her right to want to do that like it or not.

 

Her anger at you is justified and your anger at her really should be directed more at him. Yes she has bothered you and you got an RO against her, so now block her and forget them both. Focus on the good and honest people in your life.

[AmyBamy]

You don't know her. This cheating and betrayal has shaken her to the core so you're seeing an ugly side of her, a woman just had her life turned upside down. Don't judge her so harshly. You didn't know he was married, and he led you on and played you, so that in itself should be enough evidence that he is NOT the one for you at all. Yet you say this:

 

 

 

He isn't the person you thought he was regardless of who you think she is. Again, you saw a devastated side of her, not the person he is truly married to. Nobody is in their right mind when a D day happens.

 

Anyway, best to move on with your life and let them sort out theirs. If she chooses to forgive him, so be it. It's her right to want to do that like it or not.

 

Her anger at you is justified and your anger at her really should be directed more at him. Yes she has bothered you and you got an RO against her, so now block her and forget them both. Focus on the good and honest people in your life.

 

I have no anger towards her other than that she showed up at my house and caused a crazy and dramatic situation that was totally unnecessary. And, that she won't just stop. I understand that she is flailing but she has no reason to be angry with me at all. I am not judging her harshly. I don't believe that people act out of character to that extent. It's obviously within her character or she wouldn't be able to go there. I found out he was married and didn't act like someone I'm not. I was shocked and angry (at him, yes!) and yet I still maintained my dignity and personality. I didn't act like someone that I'm not. I just don't think that's possible. She obviously has issues or she wouldn't be acting this way if she didn't have issues already she would be able to handle this as herself. I believe that this IS who she is. Normal people just don't act that way no matter what life throws at them sorry.

 

And I agree. He isn't the person I thought he was. She has proven that to me. The person I thought he was would not even be friends with someone that acts like her. I know that they were married many years ago and that people change but he has stayed with her through all of those years despite the fact that she has the apparent emotional maturity of a middle schooler. That tells me a LOT about him more than it even tells me about her honestly.

 

She isn't going to forgive him she just wants to stay married for reasons that to me are silly (that's just my opinion on what she told me). My guess is that if he gives in they will live miserably for another 20 years or so. And you're right it isn't my problem nor do I wish to have any part in it. I'm not angry or upset or hurt if they stay married, why would I be? I didn't even know she existed! I don't have any animosity towards her, I just have an opinion on her personality now that I do know her on some level, and that's my right. I don't care what they do I just want them to leave me out of it. I didn't ask for this drama and I didn't knowingly sign up for it. I am truly an innocent bystander in their mess so her anger at me is completely misguided.

 

Anyway, they aren't even hitting my radar nowadays unless one of them approaches me. She has approached me far more than he has at least he just tries to call and doesn't show up at my damn house uninvited and unwanted and unwarranted. I actually saw him out today and he tried to talk to me and I just got in my car and drove away. I don't want her to think she has any reason to push herself into my life any more than she already has. I don't want her in my life on any level. I don't want to be her friend and I am not trying to steal her husband from her. He is leaving her of his own accord and that's got nothing to do with me and probably a lot more to do with her than she will ever realize if her recent behaviors show anything at all.