Boyfriend's mother is too overbearing

[PinkDotsXOXO]

*I apologize in advanced for such a long post!

 

I recently started dating this guys (he's 25 and I'm 24) and things are great between us! The only problem is that him and his mother have a very odd relationship (we both still live at home with our parents). He has so many rules to follow including checking in with him mom more than once (if were out for a few hours), her asking him endless questions about where he is going, who he will be with, when he'll be home, what everyone ate if him and I or his friends and I went out to eat. Plus, she insists he spend quality time with her and will tell me he can't see me on a particular day because of this. Some weeks we only see each other once or twice a week because were both so busy. At my house the atmosphere is different he and I can be alone with him and have privacy. At his house, he is not allowed to be alone with me and there's even rules about how a dessert is divided up there are countless other rules some I am sure i don't even know about. To me this is all so bizarre. He has told me if his parents don't like a girl he won't date her. So if I make one wrong move, demand seeing him too much (in her eyes), or change him as a person & they start to hate me for it I'm gone and I really don't wanna lose him. He's really close with his parents, I get it, kisses them and hugs them both before he leaves the house says he loves them before he hangs up the phone with them. I appreciate that and I think that's the makings of a strong family unit. He is also the most respectful guy I have ever met and he is very honest and kind, so much credit to his parents for that! The only thing is I can see this going for the long haul and I'm worried that if we end up together she'll be completely overbearing calling all the time showing up at our house making sure he's being well taken care of or that I'm attractive enough for her son (he usually dates much smaller girls than me because he's on the tinier side but they said if he was cool with it they were too). Don't get me wrong she's very nice and we always have a pleasant chat when I come over. Also, she didn't think she could ever carry a child to term so maybe that's where her attachment to him comes from. I don't know what to do! I'm just so nervous. Anyone else been through a similar thing? I thank you all in advanced for you help!

[Balzac]

Is there a cultural or social status difference?

[PinkDotsXOXO]

Actually no. We both come from middle-class Italian families. His parents are still together and mine are divorced. They are definitely more old-school Italian than mine though!

[Balzac]

I'd say she's fairly typical. I'd also say that she'll back off. There's a dad in the mix.

[down hearted]

I'd say she's fairly typical. I'd also say that she'll back off. There's a dad in the mix.

 

that has never stopped a MIL, i should know! Once they feel entitled to be overbearing like that if the son doesn't stop her from day one the mother will continue to do it and become even more controlling because she will feel is her right, regardless of her having a husband. The son has to stop her from day one and put her politely and respectfully lovingly in her place.

[turnera]

I was telling my DD23's friend just last night that it's not your parent's job to let you go - it's yours. It's up to you 20-somethings to start DOING things that tear you away from your parents' apron strings. Your parents will rarely do it for you. That's how you grow up.

[pteromom]

Yeah, this situation is ripe with red flags. But the mother isn't the problem - it's HIM. He's 25, so it is his responsibility to form boundaries with his parents, create his own life, date who he wants, etc.

 

If he isn't willing to do that, then yes, any future marriage will include his mother's influence.

 

Personally, I wouldn't move forward with this relationship if he isn't willing to set some better boundaries.