movingbackwards Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hopefully this will be a bit cathartic for me. I've been a wreck lately and my whole life I have kind of been a wreck. This past breakup of 5 years has put me through a loop. I know what I want out of my life but I don't put forth the effort to make it happen. It's so easy for me to say that I will start anew and fix everything I find at fault but I never fall through with it. Music projects I've left in the dust...my diet has been off..I drink a lot now..my mind is constantly being overtaken by my ex and if not her, new interests that have my head spinning. I'm constantly seeking these forums to kind of zone out and get comfort. It works but I'm not absorbing reality around me. I'm always on the internet constantly checking social media.....anyways, I thought I was doing ok until I saw her again and now I'm flustered. I have a lot of regret for not growing up and maturing at an earlier age. I had the opportunity to go to school for music in a big city 5 years ago but I was too afraid to take risks and too lazy/stupid to make it happen. I'm about to be 25 and I'm going to school but I'm still trying to do the "ill get by" with everything. I don't put forth effort in school, my music, or my life really. I'm gaining weight again and I constantly just feel bloated and disgusting. I drink at least a drink every night and then have weekend benders trying to pick up girls and do a whole lot of nothing. I gamble quite a bit but I don't do anything to the point of it REALLY affecting my life. Just enough to piss me off. I drink a little bit, I gamble a little, I do everything a little bit but I never over do any of it. If I put effort into my music and my life I could BECOME something. I'm stagnant. I do workout 5 days a week pretty hard but I'm still not fully into it. Most days I just want to sit and read these forums. From the outside I'm charismatic, fun loving, funny and happy but I think internally I'm just not what I need to be. I have regret. She came back and I think she was hoping I had my sh*t more together but I'm not even halfway there. I think she would have come back on the spot if I was really figuring out my life. I'm codependant and I think I suffer from anxiety and depression. I have been on xanax since I was 16. Very light use but has been daily small doses at times, almost like prescribed. It numbs me out and then makes me depressed and over analytical the next day. I'm foggy. I'm not sure where to go right now. My house is a wreck, I leave my laundry in the dryer and pick out of it all week, I'm just sick of it. I have some self esteem issues and I can't get in a positive healthy state of mind. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist. I just want to be the super version of me and I always talk about it but for 5 years I've done nothing. Thanks for listening, I'm just venting. Feel free to just vent on how you're feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingbackwards Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 I'm also VERY up and down about myself. When I eat right and do things right I feel great about myself but when I give up, I feel horrible about myself and have really low self esteem. I realize this is pretty self evident what the cause and effect is, but I still struggle with getting motivated enough to act on it. Link to post Share on other sites
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