ElectricTangerine Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hi all, I'm new to the forum and in need of advice. I've been in a relationship with a still divorcing man for the past year and a half. It's long-distance. I trust him and our relationship is otherwise great, we have a lot of fun together, talk a lot and work out any issues as they arise. However yesterday I discovered a detail online that I find very confusing. I met him a month after he separated and allegedly moved out of the house he shared with his wife and moved in a tiny apartment. After 6 months there he moved to another apartment where I also visited and stayed with him. Because they are divorcing, the house is on sale now. He told me that it was on the market. Now, I am a curious person and I want to protect myself in this less than ideal situation, so I decided to try and find the ad on google. What I found instead were some ads where the pickup location was the exact same address as the house they're selling and the background on those images is exactly the same as the 1st apartment my boyfriend moved in to after the separation. The items that are being sold are also the same items I saw when we were video chatting and he was at that place. He also sent me some pictures of him featuring the same background, so I could compare and it is indeed the same. I now have a feeling that he lied about moving out a month before we met and I want to find out what the ****. It just seems to me like he moved into the guest bedroom of the house or something, not an entirely different place. But I have a problem with how to bring this up. Obviously, I can start by asking him to first tell me more about that place. What if he doesn't give me a good explanation? How am I supposed to just tell him that I stalked him online? That part is embarrassing to me actually. We had many talks about his past and I was sure I knew every big thing there was to know. I even told him to fess up whatever he had to tell me in that moment because if I found out any later, I'd be pissed to the point of leaving. I was very clear on the conditions I need in order to stay in the relationship, and the most important one was honesty. Whatever my issue was so far, he always came through and we talked it out. If something was really bothering me, he started taking the steps to fix it. I know he's committed to having a relationship with me and more than willing to make it work. I trust him a lot. But because he spoon-fed me the details of his past and marriage/separation, I don't trust him completely in that department. Hence the googling. So, here is my question... How crazy is it that I googled that and how will I come across if I admit it to him and confront him about it? Does anyone else find it suspicious? How should I approach this? I would just really, really appreciate your comments and input. I'm a bit confused now on what my next step should be. And I find it so frustrating. Thank you so much in advance for your help! TL;DR I'm in a relationship with a man who's still divorcing (1.5 years). He was living in the house he owned with his wife until they separated. He moved into the first apartment when they separated (a month before I met him) 6 months after that he moved in the second apartment, where he still lives and I visit. Number 1 is for sale now and I know the address... So I googled to see if I could find the listing. I didn't find the listing, but I saw ads that were selling things from 2., with the same background I saw when we were video chatting in 2., but the pickup address was 1. Which led me to think that 2. was maybe just a guest bedroom in 1. or something and he was actually still living in the house with his wife at the beginning of our relationship. What do I do now? Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 If you don't feel like you can straight up ask him about the house because of the way you discovered the information... maybe you could tell him you googled it because you have a co-worker, or family member looking into buying a home and knew of his listing... and you weren't able to find the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElectricTangerine Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 At the moment we live in different countries, so I think that would come across as strange. I could just ask him about the listing for the house, but honestly I no longer feel the desire to have conversations about the divorce with him. He told me which steps he intends to take, and he knows how I feel about the entire situation. I honestly just want him to continue to take action and let me know when the papers are signed or solid progress is made. I am close to taking a break from the relationship until matters resolve because it's driving me crazy. So the house sale isn't really that important to me... It was just a moment of feeling nosy but it led me to a completely new issue - did he lie about moving out and separating a month before we met? Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 It simple.....Don't date a man until you actually see SIGNED divorce papers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElectricTangerine Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 I know, but it's too late for that now. I've never been in that kind of situation before and honestly I didn't fully know what I was getting myself into. Lesson learned for the future. But it is what it is now and I'm just looking for advice on that particular problem. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I recommend you ask his wife; I suspect she'd be surprised to know that she's separated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I know, but it's too late for that now. I've never been in that kind of situation before and honestly I didn't fully know what I was getting myself into. Lesson learned for the future. But it is what it is now and I'm just looking for advice on that particular problem. My advice.....stop while your ahead. If he cannot be honest and upfront with you, then you don't need him. You should not have to dig to find out information on someone you are in a relationship with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 What is the simplest answer? What is most probable? Is it unusual that there wouldn't be a listing for his house? Simpest answer? and most probable? are most likely the same, and dealbreakers for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElectricTangerine Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 Mj_Sky and Snipercatt, thank you so much for your replies. They were extremely helpful in letting me see a different perspective. It was exactly what I needed. I confronted him about it yesterday. He confessed everything. My suspicions were confirmed. The first place "he moved out to" was indeed a loft in the marital home. And officially, he's been separated for 2 ****ing years, pulling everyone along in the process. Lying to me since the beginning. Papers have apparently been filed for over a year, but no action from his side. So yes, as far as I'm concerned, I cannot continue a relationship based on this. What the ****. I do feel like an idiot now. So yeah, simplest answer was indeed the correct one, dealbreaker, case closed. Maybe I would decide to give him another chance if I saw signed papers and he made some serious changes, but at this point I'm not sure about that. Thanks again guys! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I am happy to see that you pulled the plug on this relationship. That was going to be my advice. Also, in case you change your mind, you will want to verify independently of him that he is indeed separated (his wife might not know it), he indeed moved out of the marital bed (again his wife might not be aware of it), and that they are actually selling the marital home. He already told one huge lie. It's not like he is going to all of a sudden get honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Mj_Sky and Snipercatt, thank you so much for your replies. They were extremely helpful in letting me see a different perspective. It was exactly what I needed. I confronted him about it yesterday. He confessed everything. My suspicions were confirmed. The first place "he moved out to" was indeed a loft in the marital home. And officially, he's been separated for 2 ****ing years, pulling everyone along in the process. Lying to me since the beginning. Papers have apparently been filed for over a year, but no action from his side. So yes, as far as I'm concerned, I cannot continue a relationship based on this. What the ****. I do feel like an idiot now. So yeah, simplest answer was indeed the correct one, dealbreaker, case closed. Maybe I would decide to give him another chance if I saw signed papers and he made some serious changes, but at this point I'm not sure about that. Thanks again guys! Oh darling....I have many single and divorced friends...and IF I HAD A NICKEL for every man claiming to be separated from his wife and living in the basement OR loft of the marital home (SO they say), I'd be retired by now....AND the wife ALWAYS has a BF to boot.... Whether true or not.... I tell them call her....IF it IS TRUE, she will hand over the phone to him or take a message from him. IF untrue, she will freak out on you. EITHER WAY, YOU have the truth and can proceed accordingly. ALWAYS call their bluff....before you invest your heart. So sorry this happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Mj_Sky and Snipercatt, thank you so much for your replies. They were extremely helpful in letting me see a different perspective. It was exactly what I needed. I confronted him about it yesterday. He confessed everything. My suspicions were confirmed. The first place "he moved out to" was indeed a loft in the marital home. And officially, he's been separated for 2 ****ing years, pulling everyone along in the process. Lying to me since the beginning. Papers have apparently been filed for over a year, but no action from his side. So yes, as far as I'm concerned, I cannot continue a relationship based on this. What the ****. I do feel like an idiot now. So yeah, simplest answer was indeed the correct one, dealbreaker, case closed. Maybe I would decide to give him another chance if I saw signed papers and he made some serious changes, but at this point I'm not sure about that. Thanks again guys! Bolded part. NO NO NO. You're better off grieving this loss, letting go and finding a single man with a clean slate. You already know this guy is a LIAR, how could you ever trust him again? DO NOT wait around for him. I mean it, I don't know you but if I did, I'd seriously come kick your butt if you 'dated' him 2 years from now. He's got baggage, a cheating reputation and he's a liar! He isn't who you thought he was, or who he led you to believe he was. He fooled you. He's a real shi.t and not worthy of your tears. Men like that are a-holes and you're too good for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts