hART Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 In April this year I left a post about how my boyfriend go as far as fingering another chick. I was upset from the time I knew he was just friends with her. I felt my jealousy pushed them closer together the first time. Three days ago he called her up and apologized for leaving a nasty message (it was a very mean and untrue message). Now he is seeing her for coffee tommorrow. I told him them being friends makes me feel uncomfortable, but he really wants to be friends with her. He tells me he isn't interested in her and says it with so much honesty. He is such a good liar and that is what he told me last time. I know he loves me and I know this friendship means the world to him, because he doesn't have many friends. He seems to down play his true feelings for her to me. I also trust no one and tend to be a bit paranoid. HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 I also trust no one and tend to be a bit paranoid. You're not paranoid. You're too complacent. You have difficultly trusting people because you cling to losers. He doesn't 'love' you. He's using you as his emotional and sexual 'safety net' because you allow it. As long as you keep playing that 'gullible' card, there's always someone to go back to if his outside interests don't pan out. People in love don't "finger" their friends. Nor do they try to brainwash their SO into thinking it's 'okay' to pursue a relationship with someone they had a sexual affair with under the guise of a friendship. I'm surprised you actually like the taste of this BS you keep swallowing. So what's the real reason you're afraid to get rid of him? --- Are you worried you can't do any better?? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 It doesn't sound paranoid to me. You don't finger a girl who you are "just friends" with. I seriously doubt it stopped with just that either. The fact that he went out of his way to send her a mean/nasty/untrue message suggests that he was still feeling something - or he wouldn't have gone out of his way to do something like that. Do you know what the message was about? He may tell you that your jealousy pushed him to it - but people who cheat on their mates are always looking for a convenient way to justify what it is they are doing. He tried to make it your fault then, and he is going to try to make it your fault now when he does it again. As far as him not being interested, if he's not - then why is he seeing her against your wishes when he knows how it would make you feel, particularly if he has been sexually involved with her in the past? He may not have many friends, but couldn't he at least try to be friends with someone other than a woman he has cheated on you with? The fact that he was sexually involved with her as "just friends" last time leaves very little doubt in my mind that he is either still involved with her - or has been with her all along. Being mistrustful of a guy who is insisting on being friends against your wishes with a woman he has cheated on you with is not paranoid. Its common sense. If you want it stopped, you will have to be firm with him. It sounds harsh, but in this case a 'no contact' sounds like it might be the best thing. Tell him that you love him, but you cannot handle being with him under these conditions. Ask him to not contact you, so that you can get a chance to get your heart back together. If he is serious about you, he'll come around and work to get you back. If he doesn't - then the 'no contact' will give you a chance to try to get over what he has put you through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 I was there when he left the message. I hate the girl and I thought it was a bit extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 No contact. That is difficult for me. It gets more complicated. He has my phone at the moment, because he doesn't have one. Except for this he has been the perfect boyfriend. He is my only good friend (yeah I know good friends don't do this to each other) and the only person I trust enough to talk to about anything. I've done plenty of ****ty things to him as well, cheating not being one of them. Oh and he is the only boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know if I have the strength to break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 He is my only good friend (yeah I know good friends don't do this to each other) and the only person I trust enough to talk to about anything. Who else hurt you? Did you have trust issues before meeting him - or have you acquired them since meeting him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia The fact that he went out of his way to send her a mean/nasty/untrue message suggests that he was still feeling something - or he wouldn't have gone out of his way to do something like that. Do you know what the message was about? He may tell you that your jealousy pushed him to it - but people who cheat on their mates are always looking for a convenient way to justify what it is they are doing. You have a point. The message was demeaning her character and saying what a horrible friend she is. He didn't tell me any BS like my jealousy pushed him to do it. The message made me feel uncomfortable and he left it after I made a jealous message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO Who else hurt you? Did you have trust issues before meeting him - or have you acquired them since meeting him? While he is the 1st boyfriend I have ever had. My mother and father got divorced because of another woman. Being with him made the issues better until when he got involved with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 As a child and teenager people teased me and were mean to me. He was the one who told me to stand up to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by hART I know he loves me and I know this friendship means the world to him, because he doesn't have many friends. He can make new ones. This girl is not 'only a friend' anymore. If he is more interested in keeping this friendship than in not hurting your feelings, he's not worth being with. Don't feel guilty thinking he'll lose one of the few friends he has. I swallowed a lot of crap from my bf a couple of years ago because I'd have felt guilty if he had lost "the only friends he had", it took me a while to wake up. Even if that girl was really one of his very few friends, and he'd be in the difficult situation to choose between you and her (that is, between not seeing her anymore and creating huge problems in your relationship)..... hell, people have to make choices in life. If he cared so much about having her as a friend, he should have thought twice before cheating on you with her. *They* screwed up the friendship, if they can't be freinds anymore it would be *their* fault, not yours. He tells me he isn't interested in her and says it with so much honesty. Even if he really wasn't interested in her anymore, it would *not* be okay to keep in contact with her!!! Oh and he is the only boyfriend I have ever had. This is probably why you are still with him. I believe that the more boyfriends you have had, the easier it is to realize it when you are dating a scumbag. When you are in your first serious relationship, it's easier to swallow bullsh*t because you don't have exes to compare your bf with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by Adunaphel *They* screwed up the friendship, if they can't be freinds anymore it would be *their* fault, not yours. This is a good point. Originally posted by Adunaphel Even if he really wasn't interested in her anymore, it would *not* be okay to keep in contact with her!!! I gave him mixed messages (he didn't use that as an excuse, I'm saying that). I told him they could be friends after what he did to me, when I really didn't feel comfortable with that. Originally posted by Adunaphel This is probably why you are still with him. I believe that the more boyfriends you have had, the easier it is to realize it when you are dating a scumbag. When you are in your first serious relationship, it's easier to swallow bullsh*t because you don't have exes to compare your bf with. I compare him to other men and stories I have heard about other men. I don't like thinking of him as a scumbag. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 how old are both of you? this doesn't sound like stable and/or mature relationship... don't take this crap from anyone. if my boyfriend fingered another chick, i'd break his fingers, and i'd break her face, and i would never talk to either of them again...not that i am advocating violence of course... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 I'm 22 and he is 24. Breaking his fingers sounds a bit extreme. I kinda feel like doing something like that now. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by hART I gave him mixed messages (he didn't use that as an excuse, I'm saying that). I told him they could be friends after what he did to me, when I really didn't feel comfortable with that. Let him know that you were not in your right mind when you told him they could be friends, that you were in huge emotional distress, that you talked out of fear of losing him, that you said so because he was brainwashing you at the time but that now you've "waked up". Make sure he knows you have realized that you'd indeed feel *most* unconfortable. Make sure that this time the mexage is not mixed, but very straight. I compare him to other men and stories I have heard about other men. I don't like thinking of him as a scumbag. I hope that his actions will prove he's not one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 I hope his actions do. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Tell him to take you with him when he has coffee with this girl. Tell him that you want to be there for the apology, since you felt his treatment of her was too much. And make it darn clear that this is the LAST he's to see of her. PERIOD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hART Posted December 16, 2004 Author Share Posted December 16, 2004 He called to apologize to her already, against my wishes. I told him he sees her with me or not at all. He didn't agree to that. I told him they can't see each other as friends anymore. He, grudgingly, agreed. He still wishes to remain in contact with her, I told him it was okay, grudingly. this morning I sent him a message that we need to schedule a deadline for him to completely cut off all contact with her. It's a good idea for me to come with him to see her. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by hART this morning I sent him a message that we need to schedule a deadline for him to completely cut off all contact with her. Good. Hopefully you'll have the strength to stand up to him and hold him to it. Its not an easy thing to do, and I'm glad you were able to take that step in that direction. He will remind you that you told him it was ok (totally disregarding the fact that he pretty much pushed you to agree), and will likely hold it against you - but don't let that stop you. Keep focused on your goal. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
don't worry Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Girl, you crazy if you clagging on to a no good cheat. He gone always be that way and you need to accept it and get out his life. He don't love you and yopu need to stop letting him take advantage of hime. You drove him to cheat. Ye, right. Girl, pack up and leave he ain't worth keeping. Got that? Link to post Share on other sites
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