He wants to be friends. Should I?

[beyondcrushed]

My boyfriend and I broke up 6 weeks ago. We work together. We were together 8 months. The last month we were together he was pulling away from me more and more. After a canoe trip we took one weekend, we fought. After we get back he said the trip pushed him further away from me. He said he lost all romantic feelings for me. He says he loves hanging out with me and wants to just take a step back and go slow. He said my neediness is a turnoff. So I began to work on my issues and tried to do my own thing. But for the last couple weeks he was really cold and distant. No affection. It looked like it was painful to him to be with me when we were together. When I asked him about it, he said he doesn’t think he wants to be in a relationship. He said i am needy and it makes him feel obligated to do things or be with me. And he feels guilty when he can’t or doesn’t give me what he thinks I ‘need’. It wasn’t fun for him anymore. Of course, I was still emotionally invested and in love. I didn’t want to lose him so I suggested I would take it at his pace and when he wants to be with me, I’m here. Then I suggest maybe just being friends. He jumped all over that. We tried friendship for a week. But it was torture for me. I asked him for another chance but he said no but we could still hang out. I said ok. Then he avoids and ignores me for 3 weeks. I didn't contact him either because I didn't want to be pushy and thought he was just pulling the friends card to be nice, let me down easy. But 3 weeks later, he texts me saying he had a dream I was seeing another man and it bothered him, but didn’t know why. When I told him I wasn’t seeing someone, he suggested we go for coffee one day. He asked me to coffee a few days later but I couldn’t go. The next day he looks for me at work and invites me to “hang out” with him. I couldn’t go. The next week I contact him and invite him to lunch. He said he doesn’t know why I want to see him cause it seems I’m avoiding him (because I decline his coffee and hangout invitations). I said I want to reconnect. I was hoping he had feelings for me and wanted to reconcile. I realized at the lunch, that he just wanted to be friends. He even started complaining about his exwife (which he used to do all the time when we were together). So I told him I love him, miss him and want to reconcile. If he does, great, but if he doesn’t, then I can’t be friends with him yet. I need to get over him first, and told him that’s why I was avoiding him. But that I hope he wants to get back together. He said, “I’m sure you will find someone who will give you what you need, I don’t think I’m that person.” So that was a "no" to reconciliation. We haven't talked since (a week ago).

 

Why would he want to bother hanging out with me? He has no interest in sex with me. He has many other friends, male and female, he can hang out with. Maybe he is just looking for a close friend to support him through his issues (cause he has lots) without the strings attached. Or given he was bothered by the thought of me seeing someone, and the fact he wanted to “hangout”, does he maybe have feelings for me and wants to keep me in his life (as friends) so when I am in a better place (dealt with my issues), we can start again?

 

Could we reconcile while being friends, or is that just a huge time waster?

 

I am hurting so much and miss him terribly. I just want to get back together. Maybe its best I let go and move on. No friendship. Help.

Edited November 4, 2013 by beyondcrushed

[Zahara]

Dumpers want to remain in contact with a dumpee for several reasons. Sometimes it's nice for the dumper to have someone that he knows cares about him because it gives him an ego boost. Sometimes he uses the dumpee as a crutch until he finds someone new. Sometimes the dumper is also finding it hard to let go of that comfortable (not love) attachment he still has with the dumpee. Sometimes they keep around just incase nothing else comes along.

 

Please move on. There is no friendship. And you can't reconcile while being friends. It has already been proven that "friends" will not work when you are emotional.

 

And when it comes to issues, who's to say he's not bringing those to the table as well? Why are you carrying the demise of it all on your shoulders?

[Mariposa10]

Keep in mind one thing: HE'S ONLY THINKING ABOUT HIMSELF AND HIS FEELINGS. You need to do the same!! Start thinking about you, take care of yourself. BE SELFISH.

 

You can't move on if you're friends with your ex whom you still love. He is clearly not interested in giving you a second chance at least right now. Maybe he will never do that. It doesn't matter. What matters is what are you gonna start doing to heal. That needs to be your focus.

 

Cut contact, delete him from all social media and start healing, please. This will be a long process, the last thing you need is him breathing down your neck.

[NoMoreJerks]

He's being a selfish jerk and playing football with your feelings. Dump this guy from your circle of "friends", STAT. He is no friend in any capacity. I wants my friends to care about my welfare, rather than hurt me with their selfishness. Do you want that kind of a friend, who is your friend only because you give him/her something that he needs?

[beyondcrushed]

OMG, you guys are awesome! Thanks sooooo much! I really needed another perspective on the situation.

 

Since my post yesterday, I ran into him waiting for the elevators at work. We were alone but didn't speak. I felt uncomfortable, and didnt want to ride in an elevator with him. So when it arrived, I walked away and took the stairs. I kid you not, ONE MINUTE, later he texts me saying, "Funny how you want to get back together but you can't even ride an elevator with me." I ignore him. Six hours later, he texts, "I hate how you ignore me....I try to treat you with respect, I guess I don't deserve it?" After a couple of hours and a couple drinks later, I break down and text him, "Come over. Come see me." This morning he responds with, "I don't think you get it." Well, I ignored it. HE doesn't get it. He has a bad memory because I told him a week ago that I can't be friends, that I'm avoiding him so I can get over him. (The reason I asked him to come over was half because I wanted him to know that I'm not over him and was thinking it would push him away to not contact me, and half because I was hoping he was upset cause he has some feelings for me and would come over. But I knew he wasn't going to come.)

 

You are right, he only cares about himself and his needs. Apparently, he can only ignore me but I cannot ignore him. Not only does he not want me, but he wants me to get over him on his terms to suit his fragile ego. He really doesn't care about me. And I believe he never really knew how to care for me during the whole relationship. He was looking after (and still is) his own selfish needs with no regard to my feelings.

 

He isn't right for me. I now know it wasn't all me that caused the break up. Not being together is for the best. Thanks everyone

 

As much as I want to tell him off or explain why I'm avoiding him, I am just going to cut all contact (except work related) and continue to avoid and ignore him.

Edited November 5, 2013 by beyondcrushed

[Mariposa10]

OMG, you guys are awesome! Thanks sooooo much! I really needed another perspective on the situation.

 

Since my post yesterday, I ran into him waiting for the elevators at work. We were alone but didn't speak. I felt uncomfortable, and didnt want to ride in an elevator with him. So when it arrived, I walked away and took the stairs. I kid you not, ONE MINUTE, later he texts me saying, "Funny how you want to get back together but you can't even ride an elevator with me." I ignore him. Six hours later, he texts, "I hate how you ignore me....I try to treat you with respect, I guess I don't deserve it?" After a couple of hours and a couple drinks later, I break down and text him, "Come over. Come see me." This morning he responds with, "I don't think you get it." Well, I ignored it. HE doesn't get it. He has a bad memory because I told him a week ago that I can't be friends, that I'm avoiding him so I can get over him. (The reason I asked him to come over was half because I wanted him to know that I'm not over him and was thinking it would push him away to not contact me, and half because I was hoping he was upset cause he has some feelings for me and would come over. But I knew he wasn't going to come.)

 

You are right, he only cares about himself and his needs. Apparently, he can only ignore me but I cannot ignore him. Not only does he not want me, but he wants me to get over him on his terms to suit his fragile ego. He really doesn't care about me. And I believe he never really knew how to care for me during the whole relationship. He was looking after (and still is) his own selfish needs with no regard to my feelings.

 

He isn't right for me. I now know it wasn't all me that caused the break up. Not being together is for the best. Thanks everyone

 

As much as I want to tell him off or explain why I'm avoiding him, I am just going to cut all contact (except work related) and continue to avoid and ignore him.

 

 

I love your last little paragraph. Let's blah blah and let's see more actions from your behalf!

 

Good luck

[beyondcrushed]

I love your last little paragraph. Let's blah blah and let's see more actions from your behalf!

 

Good luck

Yes, I know. It's easy to talk the talk, harder to walk it.

 

I received no more texts from him today. But he just came to my office to tell me something work related when he could've just emailed me. I swear he does it on purpose cause he knows it bothers me. It's going to take me a long time to get over him and not care one way or another. Just sucks I have to work with him. I wish I didn't text him last night asking him to come over. I burned his ego when I ignored his texts. I should've kept on it. Ugh!

 

This time I will hold strong. Thanks:)

[lindsay1990]

I think that he tried to pin his loss of feelings of you. Sayi g you are needy and need too much because of things he *thinks* you need, and that is a red flad to me.

 

You are better off without a guy who assumes all kinds of things from you and can't put in an active hand to establishing new dynamics if things (not you, takes two to tango) had gotten too intense.

 

You are right in ignoring his texts and you should try to keep it just work related. Obv this guy is just thinking about himself and not your feelings or wellbeing as well.

[beyondcrushed]

Thank you:) I feel 100x better today!!!!

Edited November 6, 2013 by beyondcrushed

[emz23]

Friends can work.

My best friend split with her boyfriend when they were both going through troubles in there separate lifes. They were together 18 months before they split up. They then stayed good friends for the next year....only friends no sex or staying over etc. The issues they had cleared up and then they got back together 3 years ago now. They are getting married next month

 

This guy isn't your friend though. The way he is acting isn't the way a friend would act. Ignore him and find someone new, only accept his friendship if it is a real friendship that you would accept even if you two didn't have history.

[lindsay1990]

 

You are right, he only cares about himself and his needs. Apparently, he can only ignore me but I cannot ignore him. Not only does he not want me, but he wants me to get over him on his terms to suit his fragile ego. He really doesn't care about me. And I believe he never really knew how to care for me during the whole relationship. He was looking after (and still is) his own selfish needs with no regard to my feelings.

 

He isn't right for me. I now know it wasn't all me that caused the break up. Not being together is for the best. Thanks everyone

 

This is gold.

 

 

And yeah, that's the worst. It's like, you dump me but I don't get to hate you? I *have* to agree to the break up and agree to be chummy so you feel like less of a jerk?

 

Pfhhhaaaaaa.

[NoMoreJerks]

You are right, he only cares about himself and his needs. Apparently, he can only ignore me but I cannot ignore him. Not only does he not want me, but he wants me to get over him on his terms to suit his fragile ego.

Right there , that sounds like a narcissist to me. Control freak, wants things on his terms, wants ego kibbles, etc. He wants you to be there for the occasional ego boost (that you're still pining for him). Stop giving him that. Act like you don't care. Soon enough you won't care. Trust me. Fake it til you make it does work. And the fact that he treats you this way , should actually turn you off from him, no? I mean, do you think that sort of behavior is attractive? Do you want a man who can't respect himself enough to respect another person regardless of whether or not there are romantic feelings involved? You have to make up your mind , because we are treated the way we allow others to treat us. You can stop feeding his ego and truly go full NC and stop texting him, engaging with him, appearing like you are pining for him, etc. Take control of your life. Do things that you enjoy, go out with friends ,or on your own, or stay in and watch movies, or get a massage or go to the gym, or whatever.. discover things you wanted to do but never had the chance, and do it! This is the time to work on yourself and enjoy yourself, not a time to feed someone else's ego. Trust me. Do it and you will feel better. Stop thinking about him, stop posting about him (serious). I only moved on from my abusive, cheating ex when I stopped talking about him. I forced myself not to talk, to friends, family, or people here. I did analyze his behavior, etc., but even then, I stopped myself. I told myself that his behavior is his and has nothing to do with me. This worked for me. Over time, I started thinking about him less and less. Now, he comes to mind only because I think about others' issues and others' exes and then compare it to my own experiences. Otherwise I'd go for weeks without even thinking about him.

[NoMoreJerks]

This is gold.

 

 

And yeah, that's the worst. It's like, you dump me but I don't get to hate you? I *have* to agree to the break up and agree to be chummy so you feel like less of a jerk?

 

Pfhhhaaaaaa.

Yeah. Wait for it: my ex broke up with me (after I found out he had cheated on me and wanted to give him another chance). lol. And then, I offered to be friends with him (I wasn't trying to do that to keep a foothold in his life, I just wanted to be friends), and he said ok at first, only for him to "dump" me as a friend out of the blue a few weeks later, without even giving me the benefit of telling me. Then, when I didn't react to that by contacting him, his ego was hurt, and he emailed me, telling me he had to stop being a friend because it was too hard for him to keep in touch. And then he said, it will take time for us to be friends, but I hope we can, so stay in touch. He actually ordered me to "stay in touch". WTF! Can't even tell you how much that made me fume. I think he was just doing it to get a rise out of me, honestly.

[todreaminblue]

i am nto th eclingy type i am more like your bf i guess....i know that clinginess is a turn off .....its a turn off for me and if i feel myself clinging i stop.......pure and simple ill find something else to do immerse myself in a book or paint or draw or go for a walk or do what i have to do.......most of the time its the guy who contacts me...and when he doesnt and i am in a relationship with him there has normally been deceit involved.......i managed a ldr for a very very long time i would look forward to visits.....i would have intricate plans .....every hour spent taken......the only time i ever get paranoid is when the guy cheats and i know it......i dotn think all guys cheat but i have known instinctively when they lie to me......i can read it and i have never been wrong......never......

 

in saying this i dont look for cheating i just recognize it and i dont cling even then....i just let them hang themselves.....and the relationship ends....

 

as far as clinginess goes you have to let him come to you ...coldness to me is a real turn off because i actually manifest it.....my throat closes up, i knwo that person is nto receptive to em in any way shape or form because i sense it...... makes me feel really bad i have to wonder if you feel that you can make him warm to you .......this is a form of matyrism..self harm to be in a relationship where you feel less than what you are....towards the end of my relationship that i was in for fifteen eyars i felt this coldness...and that broke my heart....he couldnt handle living with me i burnt him out.......he went elsewhere thats the truth....i get physically ill in high stress and mentally......when i have no support its nearly me gone as in life threatening for me...i am still kicking.......adn i didnt cling even then not to him nto to life.......i dont cling i am not a liana i am a free spirit who allows lianas to attach.......they take what they need and then they leave...i am always the host....people are my guests...life of an empath(sounds like the name of a book i want to write.....cause and effect of an empath sounds better...thanks to god for allowing us prayer is all i can say...i would be a total loon otherwise

 

you have to let go ........and let him come to you but decide first your motivation to do so to take him back and if it gives you warm feelings in your heart it is right...if you get coldness....it is wrong.....its pretty simple .....feel what your heart feels.......deb

 

 

when you truly love soemoen ....you cannot be a friend alone.....it is too selfless....for most people to do this...i knwo i can tdo it ...adn there in my midn is not much i cannot withstand....its a heart break every time you see them you want to hold them so badly tell them how much they mean to you.... yet you maintain a polite distance...its a form of torture.......its cruel and yes it is unusual for anyoen to put themselves through it with otu feeling ....maybe......which is another cruelty..drives you insane...maybe is cruel ...yes or no...move on.i am going through the same ...i feel you....i cannot be the guys friend who i adore it is too hurtful for me..iu really ddi dtry harder than i evr have for any man......thats hwo i know my feelings are rock solid...ntogoing anywhere unless no contact is enforced.......i have been hurt enough in my life.........i wish you happiness in life and love. with the right man for you......deb

Edited November 7, 2013 by todreaminblue

[beyondcrushed]

Friends can work.

My best friend split with her boyfriend when they were both going through troubles in there separate lifes. They were together 18 months before they split up. They then stayed good friends for the next year....only friends no sex or staying over etc. The issues they had cleared up and then they got back together 3 years ago now. They are getting married next month

 

This guy isn't your friend though. The way he is acting isn't the way a friend would act. Ignore him and find someone new, only accept his friendship if it is a real friendship that you would accept even if you two didn't have history.

 

This gives me hope, but i have done a lot of reflection and am not sure he's even right for me. And I don't want to waste time pining away for him. It would be too hard being friends and wanting/hoping then not getting. Maybe one day when I'm past the hurt and bitterness we will start talking again. Thank you:)

[beyondcrushed]

 

It's like, you dump me but I don't get to hate you? I *have* to agree to the break up and agree to be chummy so you feel like less of a jerk?

 

 

Oh man, this is sooooo true! He wants to feel like less of a jerk. And I think he doesn't want any drama at work or elsewhere with me. Because the day we broke up, I went back to his house to get him to take me back. We talked in his driveway. He didn't even invite me in. Said he didn't want to and that I'll find someone else better for me, but we can still go for coffees and hangout as friends. LOL. The next day at work, we have coffee and says, "thanks for not causing a scene in my driveway". OMG. Jerk. Instead of being compassionate to someone he recently declared his love to, and saying, I know this is hard on you; this is for the best; we both have issues to work out..blah blah blah...he has no compassion left, and is worried about himself. Not a friend at all. Thanks.

[lindsay1990]

Yeah. Wait for it: my ex broke up with me (after I found out he had cheated on me and wanted to give him another chance). lol. And then, I offered to be friends with him (I wasn't trying to do that to keep a foothold in his life, I just wanted to be friends), and he said ok at first, only for him to "dump" me as a friend out of the blue a few weeks later, without even giving me the benefit of telling me. Then, when I didn't react to that by contacting him, his ego was hurt, and he emailed me, telling me he had to stop being a friend because it was too hard for him to keep in touch. And then he said, it will take time for us to be friends, but I hope we can, so stay in touch. He actually ordered me to "stay in touch". WTF! Can't even tell you how much that made me fume. I think he was just doing it to get a rise out of me, honestly.

 

 

Maybe he wasn't ordering you but like making you feel free to contact him. HOWEVER, he was definitely going on a field day with the reset button. (Baggage Reclaim REPRESENT!). I think your gut and self-defense mechanisms ha, were right in feeling he was trying to control the dynamic with this email. Like he was moving the goal poasts and the terms, he definitely needed to stay away and sort this thing out.

 

Also, it takes a lot of nerve to cheat on someone and propose/feel you're entitled to friendship. If you couldn't have integrity, have at least some shame, say I.

[lindsay1990]

Oh man, this is sooooo true! He wants to feel like less of a jerk. And I think he doesn't want any drama at work or elsewhere with me. Because the day we broke up, I went back to his house to get him to take me back. We talked in his driveway. He didn't even invite me in. Said he didn't want to and that I'll find someone else better for me, but we can still go for coffees and hangout as friends. LOL. The next day at work, we have coffee and says, "thanks for not causing a scene in my driveway". OMG. Jerk. Instead of being compassionate to someone he recently declared his love to, and saying, I know this is hard on you; this is for the best; we both have issues to work out..blah blah blah...he has no compassion left, and is worried about himself. Not a friend at all. Thanks.

 

How generous.

[BlueIvy]

Don't contact him anymore and if he contacts you to hang out, decline.

 

He is playing games, he knows you like him but he still wants to have a friendship? You need to heal because if you stay friends, you will have hope or longing that you guys will reconnect. I personally think he never loved you because neediness is not a good reason to end a relationship. JMO. You will find someone better who appreciates you. And he will probably regret...they always do. Good Luck.

[beyondcrushed]

How generous.

 

BOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ROTFLMFAO!

 

Exactly my sentiments. Brutal. He has no clue, but he does, cause when his wife left him and was giving him crumbs, he couldn't handle it either and cut his losses with her. The fact he doesn't recognize he's doing the exact thing to me as his wife did to him, proves he's selfish and only concerned about himself.

[beyondcrushed]

I personally think he never loved you because neediness is not a good reason to end a relationship. JMO. You will find someone better who appreciates you. And he will probably regret...they always do. Good Luck.

 

 

Thank you. I agree completely. He had his walls up and was waiting and watching.

 

I know I will find someone better. 100x better. And I think he will regret the love I gave him and realize every woman has needs and has emotions. His wife was stone cold, emotionless, loveless towards him (so he says). His parents were cold and loveless towards him (he was physically abused and love was witheld). So he's used to that. But he wanted love and emtions. He saw that in me and got it from me but he didn't want the weakness -- neediness and emotional outburtst. He doesn't know how to deal with love and emotions. He wants a strong woman, but a loving woman. When I was strong, he didnt' like it either. He felt I was pulling away from him. But when I was emtional, he felt I was needy. And he didn't like that either. he doesn't know what he wants and is selfish. I'm out. Never to return and will never post again about him. He is not right for me whatsoever. Good luck to him finding the right woman.

 

Thank you everyone:)

[Mz_sassy_77]

My EX wanted the same thing. I was like why do you want to be friends with me. You've got loads of friends - go hang with them.

 

I could never be friends with my EX because I don't think he is a decent person now. In fact i realized i really didn't know him at all.

 

Ask yourself this do you want to see him dating someone else? hearing about their relationship? see him happy with someone else. I sure as hell don't want to see that with my EX.

[beyondcrushed]

Yup. Totally stupid. It just serves their ego, while we continue to hurt. No thanks. No friendship here.

[beyondcrushed]

So yesterday I find out from one of my ex's acquaintances that my ex told him details about times my ex and I had sex. He shared these details while we were still together. I was crushed that my ex would do that considering he downplayed whenever his friends shared inappropriate stuff with him. And this so-n-so guy hit on me post break up. Likely hearing all the stories my ex said, made him think a certain way about me. If my ex had no respect, god knows what he said about me.

 

While I realize he was downplaying his friends stuff for my benefit and know he likely engaged them more than he let on. But for him to share intimate details bout us with someone who really isn't a good friend and is a gossip, makes me believe my ex had no respect for me, never really loved me and was just having fun with me. He was leading me on that he was committed.

 

The funny part is when I ignored him at the elevators and avoided him, he got upset cause he says I disrespected HIM. LOL. He texts, "I try to respect you. I guess I don't deserve respect?" So now after learning he shared intimate details about us, I want to tell him off.

 

I want to say,'You say you 'try' to respect me. Well, you don't and never have respected me. And no, you don't deserve my respect. I lost nothing when you left, but gained everything. Good riddance."

 

Should I? Man, I want to so bad!!!

[beyondcrushed]

Wow! Since the last post to this thread, he had a talk with me to clear the air at work. To let me know the couple of work items he dropped the ball on for me weren't personal. And he told me he felt ready to start dating (6 weeks post breakup). Some time passed since that chat and we seemed to get into a respectful somewhat friendly groove at work. Never went beyond work. But at one point (a few weeks ago) we briefly chatted about sleeping together but didn't. We went for coffee instead (his suggestion). Totally platonic. Clear he didn't want anything more. He made some comment assuming I have a "stable" of men that I was sleeping with. I quickly called him out on how wrong he is about me. (He once thought the same of his exwife after they split. Misogynist?) I had since spent a girls' weekend with his bff's wife. She alluded to the fact he's sleeping around and may have an STD/STI. I was upset and in my sadness told her I had slept with my exh and a much younger man after my bf. I knew that this could get back to him but didn't care. I kind of wanted him to know. But now, at work, he is not even friendly with me. And today, he snubbed me at the elevators -- walked by me while I held the door for him, and took the stairs instead. A few months back, I snubbed him at the elevators cause I was hurt and still getting over him and he got upset about it. So I can't snub him but he can snub me. I get criticized for having sex but he is free to sleep with whomever. WTF???!!!

 

This forum is about second chances. There won't be any chances.

 

Him snubbing me today really hurt me. Makes me very sad. He cared for me. We had a loving relationship. We laughed together. Spent so much time together. And this is how he treats me. Why?

Edited February 6, 2014 by beyondcrushed