Zahara Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 This is like highchool. You got upset when you were informed that he has been sleeping with others, so you jab back by telling the lady you slept with a, b, c because you want it to get back to him. Then when he gets upset and snubs, possibly because of it, you ask "how can he treat me this way?" The problem is, you both can sleep with whomever you want because you two are broken up. No one gets a say or gets to react. You came to a neutral ground for awhile except for when he made that comment about his ex-wife (stemming from his insecurities and not likely a mysogynist) but then you decide to play these games. No more games. He can't play games if you don't play games. Stop engaging with him. If you both can't be cordial and act appropriately in a professional setting, then say nothing to each other. Trying to one up on each other will sometimes backfire. And pretending like you both can be friendly won't work when there's leftover emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyondcrushed Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) True. Try to be friendly is not working. I gave him a work item for him to finish for me for tomorrow, cause that's his job. Told him to give it to the guy filling in for me tomorrow cause I'm off work. He wanted to know why I'd be off, what I was doing. I didn't tell him. That pissed him off. When I sent him an email with the instructions for the work, he replies back with a jab at me, "and you are off tomorrow...must be nice". I am guessing he is upset cause he is under pressure to finish the work, and I wouldn't tell him what I'm doing. I suppose he wanted to know if it was a good excuse not be at work. It's a vacation day that I'm entitled to. He doesn't need to know and I have a right to days off. Unbelievable. Just suck it up and do the work he was hired to do. You are right, we clearly both have unresolved emotions. Best not to acknowledge each other. Avoid avoid avoid. Ignore ignore ignore. Friendly isn't working. Edited February 7, 2014 by beyondcrushed Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyondcrushed Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Hilarious. He wasn't pissed off or under pressure at all. Turns out he still had feelings for me and was curious about how I am doing. After I returned to work Monday he invited me out for coffee. We chatted for TWO hours! We ended up spending Valentines together and hung out that weekend. We had sex. Then we were up front and honest with each other and divulged who we've been intimate with since our breakup. He told me he was having an emotional affair with a married woman for 3 months and he wanted to end it. He knew it was wrong and it was not fulfilling. I told him I need to distance myself from him if he's in that situation. He understood but we kept in contact. He ended things with that OW a couple weeks later, and we've been seeing each ever since. We are taking it slow -- no major future planning (e.g. moving in, marriage, etc), no "i love yous". We are just enjoying each other and the moment. We've had lots of talks about why we didn't work the first time around, what we've learned since being apart for 6 months and what to improve this time. He acknowledged that he pulled away from me several times and said he is being more conscience of it this time (and he is). I also acknowledged I had too much baggage that I didn't deal with but that i have during our time apart. And that I had a chance to be independent and realize I don't need him or anyone to be happy. He said the reason he considered starting things with me again is because he saw how independent, together and grounded I was. And the fact that going to therapy is helping me. So I think the moral of that is, everything anyone has ever said about a break up is right.....move on, forget about them, get over them completely, build a new life, get strong/happy/secure/independant. When they see that, they may come back, and you would've had enough distance to reflect and not have emotions clouding your judgement. Then you can make a decision to start again or not. If they don't come back, then you are in a better place anyway. So far him and I are going great! But I'm being cautious because I don't want to get hurt again. It's weird this time for me. I think because I was hurt so much from our breakup, my walls are up automatically. I am not doing it conscientiously. And I don't know if I can let him in fully this time. It may take a while. Edited April 7, 2014 by beyondcrushed Link to post Share on other sites
conf Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 And what about his mistakes? You seem like a safety net... The affair could not proceed, so he is back to you, aka familiarity... You did not mention if he has taken any action to gain your trust back or at least has admitted that he made a mistake by dumping you Link to post Share on other sites
yang2k4 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 And what about his mistakes? You seem like a safety net... The affair could not proceed, so he is back to you, aka familiarity... You did not mention if he has taken any action to gain your trust back or at least has admitted that he made a mistake by dumping you True. Is important that he understand the need to gain your trust back. If he doesn't he's just taking you for granted. Remeber, a break up is a break up. you have two POV for what comes next: post mortem relationship, means you always look back and deal with a dead body and its issues, or just start over and work harder. Don't carry bagagge but, work twice as hard to avoid mistakes from the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyondcrushed Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 And what about his mistakes? You seem like a safety net... The affair could not proceed, so he is back to you, aka familiarity... You did not mention if he has taken any action to gain your trust back or at least has admitted that he made a mistake by dumping you True. This is very true. I think I'm a safety net for sure. He never said it was a mistake dumping me. He said our relationship at the end was too much for him to handle -- too much drama, emotions. When it was too much, he withdrew, and eventually was looking for something else -- another high from love. That's when he met that married woman. So what's to say he won't do that again to me, because he's taking me for granted? When the going gets tough, will he go away to the next best thing? I think you're right, he should earn my trust. Cause I'm his safety net, not his first choice. He doesn't care/love me the way he loved that married woman. I will keep my guard up, work on and focus on me, and see what happens. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beyondcrushed Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 True. Is important that he understand the need to gain your trust back. If he doesn't he's just taking you for granted. Remeber, a break up is a break up. you have two POV for what comes next: post mortem relationship, means you always look back and deal with a dead body and its issues, or just start over and work harder. Don't carry bagagge but, work twice as hard to avoid mistakes from the past. Yah, part of me wants to let go and trust him, but I can't. You are right, he needs to prove it. I've been holding back because of that, I think. He doesn't love me the same as he loved that married woman. He was infatuated with her. His infatuation with me ended when our honeymoon period ended during our first relationship. So its different. Not sure if he loves me on a deeper level, or ever will. Regardless, I'm being cautious. And we aren't always looking back but are working harder, so far, to avoid mistakes from our past. The heart and relationships are so complex! Thank you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 True. This is very true. I think I'm a safety net for sure. He never said it was a mistake dumping me. He said our relationship at the end was too much for him to handle -- too much drama, emotions. When it was too much, he withdrew, and eventually was looking for something else -- another high from love. That's when he met that married woman. So what's to say he won't do that again to me, because he's taking me for granted? When the going gets tough, will he go away to the next best thing? I think you're right, he should earn my trust. Cause I'm his safety net, not his first choice. He doesn't care/love me the way he loved that married woman. I will keep my guard up, work on and focus on me, and see what happens. Thank you. You clearly have self esteem issues, namely LOW self esteem, if you willingly admit that he isn't in love with you in the way that he was with that other woman. I could never be with a man who I KNEW was more into another woman than he was into me. You need to stop being weak and indulging what your ex is giving you, when you KNOW full well that there are men who WILL be madly in love with you, opposed to using you as a time filler until something better comes along. You have a job in this awful economy, you have a lot of great attributes you should celebrate, WHY settle for less than a man who is CRAZY about you. Link to post Share on other sites
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