Why don't people who cheat break the relationship off before cheating?

[2.50 a gallon]

Also don't downplay the well practiced, seductive skills of the serial cheating OM.

 

He has been thru several dress rehearsal's before and knows how and when to strike when the iron is hot. He is only interested in a quick sexual conquest, and does not have time or interest in the WW going thru the motions of separating and divorce. As after her divorce she is no longer married and therefore no longer interesting.

[carhill]

OP, in your case, reading your backstory, it appears your father's relationship with his girlfriend included a child with her so there were/are emotional, financial and social complexities she considered before getting pregnant and carrying to term another man's child. Evidently, as evidenced by your father 'forgiving' her, he is perceived, at minimum, as a stable home base for she and her child with him.

 

Beyond that very complex and serious example of what 'cheating' can be, how would you define cheating? That would be helpful.

 

As an example, I often repeat a generally agreed upon standard here on LS that cheating is engaging in *any* behavior which one's spouse or partner (your dad in his case) would find disrespectful and/or disapprove of and engaging in that behavior deceptively. That could be verbal flirtation; it could be 'sexting' on one's smartphone; it could be physical affection like hugging and kissing, etc, etc, on up to and including partnering in a pregnancy, as happened with dad's girlfriend.

 

Why doesn't someone break the relationship before flirting with another person? That's an example to consider, if your definition of cheating matches up. Does it? How about flirting with a lot of people? Flirting is a normal human behavior but there are boundaries in a relationship, individual to that relationship. I've often read here that flirting is harmless and people, including married people, report positive feelings from it which contribute to overall well-being. So what if their spouse isn't aware, right?

 

No easy answers, IMO. Hope your dad can work things out.

[Kate9292]

This is something I always wondered...

 

Some actually like the relationship they're in but still cheat because they want sth else. That was me when I cheated on my first bf. I loved him, but I also wanted to know what it's like with another guy. Even after getting to know it I still wanted to be with my bf. But when he learned it he obviously didn't like it and relationship took a turn for worse.

[KathyM]

* Because they don't want to lose their primary relationship.

* Because they don't think they'll be caught.

* Because they are thinking of leaving, but want to make sure the new relationship is going to work out before leaving the current one.

* Because they want to have both relationships.

* Because they feel obligated to stay in the marriage because of children or duty.

* Because they don't want to lose finances or custody of the kids.

* Because they think divorce is a sin, but somehow think cheating is not as bad.

* Because they think the affair is just temporary, and don't want to give up their family life.

[Sanman]

I haven't cheated, but I definitely understand the mentality. I think KathyM hits a lot of reasons on the head, but the bottom line is that the person does not want to deal with the consequences.

 

An example, one of my ex-gfs gave me some of the best sex of my life. She was also nuts. Great when she spontaneously pulls you into a bathroom for sex and terrible when she calls you to say she spent all of her money on expensive drinks and clothes, so she needs to borrow rent money. My current gf is an amazing person in many ways and someone I can see as the mother of my children. However, she is not pulling me into a random bathroom for sex. Life is full of trade offs and I definitely made the right choice. However, if she told be I could have one more crazy time with the ex without losing her or the ex going psycho on me again , I would be tempted. I'm just smart enough to know that there are no free lunches and I value what I have over what I could have (briefly).

[atreides]

* Because they don't want to lose their primary relationship.

 

 

* Because they don't think they'll be caught. < is not a reason of intent, this only deals with consequences.

 

* Because they are thinking of leaving, but want to make sure the new relationship is going to work out before leaving the current one.

* Because they want to have both relationships.

* Because they feel obligated to stay in the marriage because of children or duty.

* Because they don't want to lose finances or custody of the kids.

* Because they think divorce is a sin, but somehow think cheating is not as bad.

* Because they think the affair is just temporary, and don't want to give up their family life.

 

 

Great list, again most are based on wanting more than "what they have" IE greed.

 

However

[crederer]

There are a ton of reasons but at the end of the day they are all because the WS is selfish. All of the reasons come down to the WS wanting it all.

[Spark1111]

I don't think it is a mistake that unstable, maybe insecure and damaged people marry, choose the MOST stable people on the planet who is attracted to them..

 

They are seeking to fill the void with in themselves and it is a wise and mentally healthy thing to do...to have children with that person, marry and forge a future.

 

But then the old unhealthy, un-dealt with insecurities arise and they look at their partner and rather than feel grateful and happy and secure...they feel even MORE insecure....LESS Than....resentful of...and find a person they can FEEL SUPERIOR to, rescue, have their weak ego bolstered by...to have an affair with..

 

And it make take years for a BS to sit back and analyze....why did I NEVER see how weak my spouse was.AND here is the true azz kicker....WHY did I choose him or her and NEVER see it????

[dj572]

Short answer because they are selfish in my opinion.

[Shepp]

They want to have there cake and eat it! And have a moral compass that allows them to back stab to achieve that!