Why don't people who cheat break the relationship off before cheating?

[liloldlady]

 

Why do people cheat instead of fixing or ending the marriage? To me, most answers get down to an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, an excessive need for external validation, or severe conflict-avoidance.

 

Or simply money and feeling thankful for someone who helped them out of a rough spot.

[harrybrown]

Because she was selfish and did not think she would get caught. But stds cause problems.

[atreides]

 

Fortunately, many people escape from using unhealthy coping mechanisms and it doesn't define who they are as a person. And in the case of infidelity, it doesn't have to define the marriage or betrayed spouse either.

 

I would say it does and is important to be part of the definition. To remove it takes away so much of what they themselves can learn about themselves, never having fallen or simply ignoring the fall only maintains the status quo. In my opinion, and not just the quote above, go out of their way to ... shall i say "use conflict avoidance" as to not label or define someone as such.

 

If for example my own transgressions and falls, i take the wrath and consequence which includes other's judgement, so be it. It is part of the process, which can be pain on top of pain, but we are better for it, once through it.

 

It is important in my opinion that perhaps as a poor analogy... that once we have a "stain" and we all do in one fashion or another that it is at its core a part, a definition and an experience as to what and who we are to then help shape our future for a better self.

Edited November 5, 2013 by atreides

[Realist3]

Why don't people who cheat break the relationship off before cheating?

 

I find this question to be be often asked, but the least thought through.

 

Assuming you have a long term relationship with someone, why would you possibly break that off having no possible idea where the other on might lead? What happens if it lasts a week, three weeks, a month, several months? Would any sane person really break a long term relationship for a complete unknown? No.

[BetrayedH]

Or simply money and feeling thankful for someone who helped them out of a rough spot.

 

So in the case you're proposing, the WS stays and cheats instead of leaving out of a sense of obligation (and for money)? Just asking for clarification.

[lindsay1990]

Because http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5st0cMb5w1qzvyhvo1_500.gif

 

It's delicious.

[Spark1111]

This is something I always wondered...

 

Idk! Six years from DDay and still do not know the answer to this question....I loved him enough to let him go if he thought he had found better and told him so often.

 

Even our children asked him why he didn't tell the truth of his feelings and his actions....We could have separated, gone to MC to see if there was a marriage worth saving and I, too, would have been free to date to see if their was someone better suited to me....all while he dated his OW out in the open, honestly.

 

I, knowing my H as well as I do, can only assume he would rather go blind then see me with another man.

 

So he had her on the side, lying to her and promising her a future because he would not give up all that love, ego validation and easy sex....

 

He though he was too smart to get caught, NEVER intended to leave me, and was oh so cowardly towards her and I told him so!

[BetrayedH]

Because http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5st0cMb5w1qzvyhvo1_500.gif

 

It's delicious.

 

Well played, lindsay. Well played.

[summerdowling87]

Maybe some people are just selfish. They want their partner/SO and they want to play on the side.

[lindsay1990]

Ha, thanks BetrayedH.

 

Sometimes I wish so hard my ex would break NC so I could tell him all about himself thanks to the new knowledge I acquired on this site (and other sources as I really got into all *this* stuff) and I fantasize about calling him a cake-eater. Seriously he was such a huge one, I can't believe I never put it in words or never thought to look it up online. I would say like "You think you have a right to have everything!". Meh. I hope there won't be a next time though.

 

 

Edit: Ex did not cheat though. But kept his two woman crushes whom he had had emotional affairs with suuuper close as his "best friends". He pulled away from one but not the other one so... I let him have his cake (obv. it's a longer story).

Edited November 5, 2013 by lindsay1990

[AlwaysGrowing]

Because http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5st0cMb5w1qzvyhvo1_500.gif

 

It's delicious.

 

 

 

Not very pretty when they are eating it....are they.

[Raena]

I've never cheated but I've often wondered this very same question.

 

I'd especially like to know in my current situation so I asked my WS this exact question.

 

His response?

 

In summary:

 

• He never thought he'd get caught
   
  
• It was easier than fixing what was wrong in our relationship
   
  
• she was there fawning all over him while I was busy working and not around to see him when he had free time.
   
  
  • He was lonely
    

 

I have many other thoughts as to why he chooses to do what he does, but ultimately my perception of him is that he doesn't know what a healthy relationship is, he has never had one nor has he ever seen one, and he has absolutely no respect for woman in general.

[Sofie2013]

This is something I always wondered...

 

Well I am WS.

 

I always loved my husband and never thought about leaving him. Now for the reason why I cheated is simple I was selfish. I loved the feeling of being wanted, desired by someone else and the fact he was my boss give huge ego boost. Also having an affair is fun and exciting. In short I was a cake eater wanted my cake and eat too. I put my happiness and needs above every ones else. It wasn’t worth in the end I’m going to lose everything because of it. I caused the people I love the most pain and that something I never wanted to do

[Betrayed&Stayed]

This is something I always wondered...

 

Most common denominator I've seen from WS's in real life and here: I won't get caught

[BetrayedH]

Most common denominator I've seen from WS's in real life and here: I won't get caught

 

Boy, my WS was wrong about that one.

[lindsay1990]

Most common denominator I've seen from WS's in real life and here: I won't get caught

 

I think this PLUS the sheer excitement.

 

 

Think about it like this: if someone could guarantee you that for one week you could go on a wild bender, party like a rockstar, do all the drugs known to mankind AND IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERDOSE, and you could sleep with all the groupies and NOT GET ANY AIDS and die. Basically, you could go live this crazy, exciting, once-in-a-lifetime rush with absolutely no consequences, no OD, no disease, no addiction.

 

Wouldn't you be tempted?

 

Many people would not, of course. May think: I have zero curiosity for drugs and don't believe I would like them that much.

 

Others could feel: Are you serious? Just for a week? Try some heroin and for sure nothing would happen and I wouldn't be hooked? Well then....

[BetrayedH]

I think this PLUS the sheer excitement.

 

 

Think about it like this: if someone could guarantee you that for one week you could go on a wild bender, party like a rockstar, do all the drugs known to mankind AND IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERDOSE, and you could sleep with all the groupies and NOT GET ANY AIDS and die. Basically, you could go live this crazy, exciting, once-in-a-lifetime rush with absolutely no consequences, no OD, no disease, no addiction.

 

Wouldn't you be tempted?

 

Many people would not, of course. May think: I have zero curiosity for drugs and don't believe I would like them that much.

 

Others could feel: Are you serious? Just for a week? Try some heroin and for sure nothing would happen and I wouldn't be hooked? Well then....

 

With a balding, Hispanic married guy with glasses?

[lindsay1990]

Ha.

 

Maybe their thing was meth and middle-aged bald men and cheap motels, instead of G5s, groupies, fans and heroin.

 

 

EDIT: I'm not saying all cheaters are the worst of hedonistic low-lifes, but that the excitement and the rush are the decisive factors imho. (Never cheated so...)

Edited November 5, 2013 by lindsay1990

[Knucklehead1050]

They are called "branch swingers", swinging from one relationship to another. They don't want to release one hand until they have the other hand firmly planted in another relationship just in case the old one happens to be better than the new one.

[atreides]

I've never cheated but I've often wondered this very

 

• He never thought he'd get caught
   
  
• It was easier than fixing what was wrong in our relationship
   
  
• she was there fawning all over him while I was busy working and not around to see him when he had free time.
   
  
  • He was lonely
    

 

 

Most common denominator I've seen from WS's in real life and here: I won't get caught

 

the "not getting caught" is NOT a reason why, it only subscribes to the consequence and is non sequitur of the intent.

 

However, loneliness and wanted attention as superficial and contrived reasoning as they are do subscribe to the intent and help define the "why."

 

Exit Affairs are perfect as to the question why, they suggest intent of "not letting go of the current vine without grabbing a new one."

 

I would say in all A's regardless of type, "greed" or "wanting more" , the taboo with a little of unchecked satiation is a large root as to the why.

 

The greed is the most important part as without it, you could beg the question "why not break up or D first?" Thus greed satisfies the why in that regard, then all other reasons follow down the line.

 

There are exceptions to the above such as a friend of mine in an arranged marriage with dire consequences within his family culture.

[peruano99]

With a balding, Hispanic married guy with glasses?

 

Did you leave her? what happened ?

 

 

I read your thread....why the hell would she tell you about the sex she had with that trash?

Edited November 5, 2013 by peruano99

[liloldlady]

So in the case you're proposing, the WS stays and cheats instead of leaving out of a sense of obligation (and for money)? Just asking for clarification.

 

Yes, plus I'm sure there's some form of love on his behalf.

[liloldlady]

They are called "branch swingers", swinging from one relationship to another. They don't want to release one hand until they have the other hand firmly planted in another relationship

 

I really agree!

[peaksandvalleys]

This is something I always wondered...

 

 

I wish I had the answer to that question. Asked my WS and all I got was a lot of bull. Enough to overflow a toilet.

[dichotomy]

I've never cheated but I've often wondered this very same question.

 

I'd especially like to know in my current situation so I asked my WS this exact question.

 

His response?

 

In summary:

 

• He never thought he'd get caught
   
  
• It was easier than fixing what was wrong in our relationship
   
  
• she was there fawning all over him while I was busy working and not around to see him when he had free time.
   
  
  • He was lonely
    

I have many other thoughts as to why he chooses to do what he does, but ultimately my perception of him is that he doesn't know what a healthy relationship is, he has never had one nor has he ever seen one, and he has absolutely no respect for woman in general.

 

 

I know this perception, and it is a difficult one to deal with.