zevahc Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 It's been awhile since I've been on here. I wanted to give an update, and solicit encouragement I guess at the same time. It's mixed emotions...I will say I feel I've come a long way. I feel healthier than I can say I was 6 months ago. Although certainly not out of the woods by any stretch. I say healthier because I now realize that I truly will be ok...no matter which way this goes. It doesn't mean I'm not sad, doesn't make me devoid of delusion or hope. But I know that I will be ok...something I wasn't sure about even just 2-3 months ago. The PA really ended about 6 months ago around May. It's been quite the journey since. She went NC/LC me almost immediately and I later found out she had started MC...which was short lived. Then BC's from her...then in August I went NC (which proved to be more of an extreme LC). That lasted almost 7-8 weeks until she told me she wasn't happy. Needed to take control of her own life. But she had her reasons for waiting...examining things. It's been about 4-5 weeks since that conversation. Things have gone back to more of an EA. Still wrong wrong wrong! I told her today that I couldn't do it anymore. I said it's not fair to her any of us involved. Particularly her H. She needs to **** or get off the pot. It started b/c I asked if she was still planning on having the conversation. She wouldn't answer. I'm only trying to protect my hopeful/delusional heart. So she simply responded "I think we need to take a break". I responded that I agree. She didn't understand what I was trying to protect myself from..but then again I think she's perhaps used to cake eating and making excuses. She seemed to calm down because she later replied that she agreed that she needs to have a clear head. So I'm not sure where this leads me...i still do have some hope in me...but it's more probably delusion. I know I'll be ok...I'm hurt, sad, and missing her and will continue to miss her. But I know this is literally the one and only path to health. Regardless of if she makes choices to tackle and improve or move on from her M...this is MY only path to a healthier and happier me. I'm back on here because I need this to vent...to stay positive...and honestly..to get through the holidays. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Ultimately your health trumps all else in this situation so vent away. She is going to do what she feels and there is nothing you can do to nudge her one way or the other. It is hard to deal with-been there. Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I've been on that roller coaster of PA then EA after that NC, the. Back the other direction. Have you tried dating... I know I know how can I, I love her and nobody else will compare to the connection we have, I love the sex but the friendship is special. There comes a point when it's time to start moving on, you can heal later right now you just need to get the ball rolling. It's about letting both yourself and her/him know that you refuse to wait forever and that they blew it with you(probably not true but it's important to put that possibility out there). You never really heal, it gets better but you will always be a little broken inside. I know what it's like when your favorite tv show is t good anymore and your favorite food has no taste but you don't just wake up feeling like it's ok now, it's step by step, so why not distract yourself while taking those steps. Two things to remember: 1. You will talk about your broken heart on dates and ruin a few evenings(it's ok just pay the check and give a great compliment) 2. Don't jump into anything serious just to put this behind you, just focus on making friends and not sexual conquest(being a friend to many helps you heel because they come to rely on your insight and attitude which in turn boosts self esteem and gives the strength to stay away from the poisonous affair). You got this just keep taking steps! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 I've been on that roller coaster of PA then EA after that NC, the. Back the other direction. Have you tried dating... I know I know how can I, I love her and nobody else will compare to the connection we have, I love the sex but the friendship is special. There comes a point when it's time to start moving on, you can heal later right now you just need to get the ball rolling. It's about letting both yourself and her/him know that you refuse to wait forever and that they blew it with you(probably not true but it's important to put that possibility out there). You never really heal, it gets better but you will always be a little broken inside. I know what it's like when your favorite tv show is t good anymore and your favorite food has no taste but you don't just wake up feeling like it's ok now, it's step by step, so why not distract yourself while taking those steps. Two things to remember: 1. You will talk about your broken heart on dates and ruin a few evenings(it's ok just pay the check and give a great compliment) 2. Don't jump into anything serious just to put this behind you, just focus on making friends and not sexual conquest(being a friend to many helps you heel because they come to rely on your insight and attitude which in turn boosts self esteem and gives the strength to stay away from the poisonous affair). You got this just keep taking steps! I actually have been dating...and you're right...getting the ball rolling I think is what me see some light at the end of the tunnel....my heart hurts...but I no longer think all is lost. I just don't know I'll match the connection anytime soon...but that isn't the point...it's to get healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 how much more pain are you willing to put yourself through. I just did something similar a while back and realized no good comes from it. you need to do the same Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Just remember how long it took to find that connection, another one like that might never come again, it's okay you can find a different connection. Don't worry about your heart healing, expect it not to, it's like getting paralyzed in the middle of your life, you can sit there in you chair and mope or go play some murderball, you just won't be running anymore marathons.(marathons hurt!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 how much more pain are you willing to put yourself through. I just did something similar a while back and realized no good comes from it. you need to do the same Rick, not much more..that's how this happened. I went from a healthy spot (healthier than I am), and allowed conversation...but in reality..it helped get me over the hill....some closure in some areas so to speak. So I DON'T regret that I allowed the conversation...it's all part of the journey. I don't like any of this..but I can't look back and nitpick my mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 It's disappointing to hear she's still stringing you along, but I can hear that you are more aware now. I hope you will soon see how disrespectful she is being by keeping your hopes alive. It's not fair to you when you deserve to find and fall in love with a great new girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 It's disappointing to hear she's still stringing you along, but I can hear that you are more aware now. I hope you will soon see how disrespectful she is being by keeping your hopes alive. It's not fair to you when you deserve to find and fall in love with a great new girl. I am more aware...and there are times when she realized it was no good. I actually do believe that there is a large part of her that tries and tries to convince herself to change the situation. To take charge of her own life...and also, lighten up on mine. We ended the PA in May...and I think she's justified that it was the end of the A...when in reality the EA that comes and goes with intensity is just as bad if not worse in so many ways. But it's her rationalizing for herself. She's not a bad person...i truly believe that...but she is definitely lost...and I am too...I think I just have more perspective from this forum...therapy, and others I've talked to that helped along the way. I'm so far from where I need or want to be...but I know there is some end to all this....it's a push/pull constantly on my heart. Because I haven't stopped caring about her or loving her...i just am getting to where I care more about me...and want different for me....I hope the other stuff dissipates and improves with more time. This definitely is unlike any break-up or my D...much harder in many ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I am more aware...and there are times when she realized it was no good. I actually do believe that there is a large part of her that tries and tries to convince herself to change the situation. To take charge of her own life...and also, lighten up on mine. We ended the PA in May...and I think she's justified that it was the end of the A...when in reality the EA that comes and goes with intensity is just as bad if not worse in so many ways. But it's her rationalizing for herself. She's not a bad person...i truly believe that...but she is definitely lost...and I am too...I think I just have more perspective from this forum...therapy, and others I've talked to that helped along the way. I'm so far from where I need or want to be...but I know there is some end to all this....it's a push/pull constantly on my heart. Because I haven't stopped caring about her or loving her...i just am getting to where I care more about me...and want different for me....I hope the other stuff dissipates and improves with more time. This definitely is unlike any break-up or my D...much harder in many ways. BIB is so important and that is exactly where I was when I ended the A with DMM. I wanted more and realized I was settling for less. Once I saw that I knew I was done. You're right. It hurts and will hurt. She will continue to reach out to you and bait you. You've always gone back and been there for her. Now it's time to not go back and to be there for you. You have become much more aware and I'm really proud of you. Keep moving forward. The old saying is you never fail till you quit trying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 BIB is so important and that is exactly where I was when I ended the A with DMM. I wanted more and realized I was settling for less. Once I saw that I knew I was done. You're right. It hurts and will hurt. She will continue to reach out to you and bait you. You've always gone back and been there for her. Now it's time to not go back and to be there for you. You have become much more aware and I'm really proud of you. Keep moving forward. The old saying is you never fail till you quit trying. Thank you SB...I know this is the right course...no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Thank you SB...I know this is the right course...no choice. Not to be obvious but there are choices for both of you. They may not be the ones you want to make though. You'll get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 Not to be obvious but there are choices for both of you. They may not be the ones you want to make though. You'll get there. I think this is the right choice for me at this point. I can't control her actions or course..but for me...i believe right now this is the best choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 This is precisely why LC is no substitute for NC when it comes to ending a relationship and healing from it. Until you finally, fully go NC, you're going to remain in this limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
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