compartmentalizing

[thecharade]

BSs struggle to understand it. What do you all think of it, from this side of the triangle?

 

14 months after my A has ended, it is the thing I can't grasp. I did not compartmentalize; I was completely done with my M, even though I didn't tell my H this until I was working to stop all C with my exAP. I cannot grasp someone doing, saying, feeling what my exMM did while married to someone that he WANTED. In my mind, it has to be some sort of sociopathic tendency. He must have no feelings rather than too many feelings. That's the only way I can see it now.

 

Marriage is very, very complicated, I know. I could understand the BS hearing "I didn't love you anymore, so I did these things with him/her. I didn't care about you. But now I realize! I just forgot what I had! I'm so sorry." That actually makes a lot of sense, broken sense, but sense. Or the "I don't love my BS anymore. Haven't for a long time. I do love you and will figure out how to do it." And then doing it! Leaving! It makes sense, even though it is very hurtful to the BS. But the "Oh, I can't divorce him/her because I care about them, but you are my soulmate! I live for you! I will never leave you. We will figure this out, make it work." There is something very, very, VERY unsettling about that type of person. I would not want to be M to that person, no matter AP or BS. No, there is something wrong with that person. Feeling that way is . . . unhealthy, to say the very least.

 

Ability to compartmentalize really well = very broken psyche? childhood trauma? Something is very wrong with this type of person. Does anyone else see it this way? In all the affairs that are out there, this is the AP that seems the most broken, now that I look back on my experience. I am not disturbed by his staying M; it never bothered me. She seems perfectly nice. But if he wanted her, loved her, respected her, how could he do all he did with me? That is what haunts me and why I don't love him anymore, not because of letting me go. It's what he was able to do to her, even though he wanted to stay M. My god.

Edited November 5, 2013 by thecharade

[thecharade]

When I really realized he was staying M, I ended the A. He didn't want me to know. He wanted to appear undecided, noncommital. But when I realized he intended to have us both, I was disgusted. And done. And my opinion of him sank.

[happy stillmore]

Ability to compartmentalize really well = very broken psyche? childhood trauma? Something is very wrong with this type of person. Does anyone else see it this way? In all the affairs that are out there, this is the AP that seems the most broken, now that I look back on my experience. I am not disturbed by his staying M; it never bothered me. She seems perfectly nice. But if he wanted her, loved her, respected her, how could he do all he did with me? That is what haunts me and why I don't love him anymore, not because of letting me go. It's what he was able to do to her, even though he wanted to stay M. My god.

 

I have wondered the exact same thing! I am now questioning if my xMM had the ability to even truly love.

[lollipopspot]

I think they are short sited

 

Shortsighted. "Sight" like vision, not "site" as in place.

[thecharade]

Oh, it was all kinds of twisted as he tried to explain and justify, but I kept saying, "At least I feel guilt and don't like the situation. I'm a selfish a-hole, yes, but I don't want to remain a lying, cheating, conflict avoider!" He would say, "I feel guilty, too."

 

Uh, no. He never did. I felt bad for our spouses and brought it up all the time. And he disliked my bringing it up! I felt bad about myself and the lying/cheating, but he actually felt . . . lucky? Yuck. Yes. Lucky to have it all.

 

I work to learn and grow everyday, but he still thinks of himself as the better person for remaining loyal to his obligations. No therapy or work for him. And he thinks I'm selfish because I said there needed to be a choice. And lastly, he feels sorry for himself because doing the right thing is so hard.

 

Sociopath-ish. I can find no other way to see this advanced ability to compartmentalize or even FAKE genuine emotions that he should have. For someone!!! Nobody should feel comfortable in this situation!

[thecharade]

When I read BSs saying there was affection, sex, laughter, and joy, I think, "My, oh my! I believe you, but the fact that he or she could also be so connected romantically to someone else is outright alarming!" It is a worse sign than if they were cold and unfeeling because they obviously don't need to feel things for people to behave as if they do! They mimic? Act? Multiple personalities? What the sam hill is compartmentalizing to that level anyway??? It is all kinds of messed up, that's what it is. The way I behaved with my H was entirely different--distance, done, in house separation. Faking? Close to two? Extraterrestrial? I can't compute.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Many learn how to compartmentalize through osmosis in their occupation, First Responders, Medical Professionals, Military are the ones that come to mind. They learn to shut off everything else to do what is at hand. The rest of the world stops existing. They handle traumatic events with calmness. They look beyond the horrific things that are happening, and do their jobs. No time to hand hold, not much time for explaining....just the here and now.

 

It comes with the territory, and is extremely useful. Its when you start to use it without realizing it, that you get into trouble. And when one uses it daily/hourly its harder to recognize it. I guess that is why those occupations have a higher rate of infidelity.

[thecharade]

Well, I get the occupational aspect, but I do not see it as useful. More like a response to daily traumatic events, but damaging to one's inner self? Child abuse comes to mind, as a comparison. You survive it, but the ability to separate from your feelings keeps you alive, not healthy. Compartmentalizing is very unhealthy.

 

My exMM suffered child abuse, some physical but mostly emotional. I know for a fact that he has an ability to put his feelings in a box and put the box on a shelf until later. We have discussed it. The problem is that he now has no idea how he genuinely feels about anyone or anything. I could not marry him now, knowing how severe the problem is. (We have known each other since forever.) Compartmentalizing is an ugly quality that allows someone to do pretty much anything behind anyone's back and put away their feelings about it. Isn't that an 'almost sociopath'?

[AutumnMoon]

Ok.. So I'm broken then because both me and my AP quote, what they don't know won't hurt them.. Often. We plan to stay married and still see each other when we can.

 

I still don't see how that means I don't have feelings. I do. I'm just putting mine first at this moment.

 

We both still have sex at home.. Just for him not often and for me not enough or the kind I want .. We also feel connected and like we were supposed to be together in some way.. But we love our spouses too... For me at least it's a much different love. He says him too but I can't speak to that.

[thecharade]

Well, my intent is not to judge but to understand, and I can't. However, if you tell your AP that you love him so much and he's the light of your life and then go back to your H and say and feel something similar, I do think you should be concerned. Don't you?

 

Do you love your H very much or just want to stay M? Where does your allegiance lie? What is your plan for d-day?

[AutumnMoon]

Many learn how to compartmentalize through osmosis in their occupation, First Responders, Medical Professionals, Military are the ones that come to mind. They learn to shut off everything else to do what is at hand. The rest of the world stops existing. They handle traumatic events with calmness. They look beyond the horrific things that are happening, and do their jobs. No time to hand hold, not much time for explaining....just the here and now.

 

It comes with the territory, and is extremely useful. Its when you start to use it without realizing it, that you get into trouble. And when one uses it daily/hourly its harder to recognize it. I guess that is why those occupations have a higher rate of infidelity.

 

This sounds similar to what Ive always done.

 

I just shut the other feelings out to deal with the moment I'm in.

It's not hard and I always thought everyone did it.

[AutumnMoon]

Well, my intent is not to judge but to understand, and I can't. However, if you tell your AP that you love him so much and he's the light of your life and then go back to your H and say and feel something similar, I do think you should be concerned. Don't you?

 

Do you love your H very much or just want to stay M? Where does your allegiance lie? What is your plan for d-day?

 

Our only plan for d day is to deny, or say it was the first time. Lets hope it never comes to that.

 

Compartmentalizing is easy. Literally I just shut off those thoughts around certain people. I think or the situations I would be concerned about, more like a dream or fantasy. That wasn't really me.

[thecharade]

Did you suffer through trauma while growing up, things you had to block out?

 

No, most people don't do it.

[AutumnMoon]

It's not as easy when I'm alone.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is a useful tool, those occupations would be ineffective if they didn't have it in their toolbelt.

 

The difference between a person who is able to compartmentalize and say a psychopath...is how much can they fit in that box.

[AutumnMoon]

Did you suffer through trauma while growing up, things you had to block out?

 

No, most people don't do it.

 

Yes, and I think that has to do with being able to box my feelings .. But it had nothing to do with my choice to have an affair.. In my opinion, I thought that out and let it happen. And I do genuinely care about my other man and my husband.

[thecharade]

I still say it's not a good tool. My choice if I was a first responder? A permanent therapist. A journal. A convo with my spouse every single night. There would be no blocking or forgetting. Pushing down trauma creates a habit that's hard to quit.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can not have a therapist with you while you are doing your job. That is why it becomes ingrained. You use it WHILE you are dealing/handling/performing some terrible sh*t that would make most vomit, run, scream, cry....etc.

[thecharade]

No, trauma does not (necessarily) lead to an A. But, it can. Surviving trauma definitely teaches people to box and shelve feelings. It's dangerous. And it makes it difficult to bring them out when you genuinely want and need to show them. It's too much control and not enough just feeling and feeling and feeling whatever you're feeling.

 

It also explains why you are having trouble fixing your M. You don't know how to properly take out the feelings, Autumn. Hopefully you'll figure that out so that you can fix your M. (Or end it. Whichever you really want.)

[thecharade]

I get you, Always. I do.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For those in the Military, they can be on active duty for months on end. You can not be crying hourly over missing loved ones.

 

There is a reason why the military has strong consequences for affairs. They understand that men/women will do a lot of things that they wouldn't normally if they were not living in just this moment.

 

It is also why so many WS are horrified at their actions afterwards. Putting both together does not make sense. It goes against who they believe themselves to be.

 

Personally, I have much compassion for those who are in those occupations, serving and helping us all through some tragic/horrific events. There is a price they pay. It does affect their ability to function as easily as the rest of us. It takes more effort to be aware of oneself.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Often, it is because they were able to compartmentalize that they survive childhood abuse. Usually, those are the ones that didn't turn to substance abuse, cutting, etc.

 

However, it is unhealthy when one starts to use it, to give themselves permission to engage in self destructive behaviours that attack their own moral code.

 

So, it all depends on the application. To do your job, good. To survive abuse, good. To self destruct, bad. To injure others, bad.

[thecharade]

But going back to my original thorn, compartmentalization in affairs seems to allow for two sets of feelings, does it not? It means that both loves are real? "Love my wife and family, but stick it up on this shelf. Take down love for the AP and let it out to breathe." Not all WSs love their APs, but many do. Many form a deep emotional attachment. Take the other box down, you @ss! Don't start a new R! It's disturbing. It reminds me too much of the whole serial killer next door. "He looked and acted so normal. I can't believe it! For 20 years he lived here, no problems!" No, not healthy at all. Oh, well. I suppose this thread has helped me get it, get that my exMM is not emotionally or psychologically together. I just realized it much too late.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thought-provoking thread. An abused child, though, can learn to compartmentalize everything. And not know any other way of experiencing relationships of any kind. So that that's the way they deal with everything for the rest of their lives unless and until they experience healing.

 

This healing experience can change everything in life. Every relationship, all perspective on every relationship and every interaction with every human they come in contact with from then on.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I see many single AP use the same tool. They don't look at the whole picture, just this one little slice. And then it is okay to proceed.

 

One then gets to keep the positive view of oneself. And gets to enjoy it as well. People will go to great lengths, mental gymnastics, rewriting history to keep their positive view of themselves. Heck, they will even try to sell an affair (after the WS divorces) as a brand new relationship so they can avoid the uncomfortable views that would be coming their way. I read it here all the time.

 

It is no different.