compartmentalizing

[waterwoman]

I had an EA many many years ago. I can honestly say that I didn't ever stop loving my H but my love for him became wallpaper love - it was always there but I didn't particularly notice it. My feelings for the OM (I don't think it was love as such, more infatuation) were bigger and bolder. It was never my intention to leave H, never. H and I were still loving to each other, still making love often. I didn't feel guilty because H didn't know. I was shocked out of it by OM telling me he loved me, was leaving his gf and was willing to wait as long as it took for me to get a d. He didn't see me for dust. THAT was when reality dawned for me. When I was being faced with a choice in the real world.

 

I suspect H was the same. For him reality dawned when I found out and I told him to choose.

 

I don't know if compartmentalisation is the right word. THe best analogy for me is when you go the cinema - the film is up on the screen in front of you, noisy, bright, action-packed, you can't ignore it. But at the same time you have a good book that you are really enjoying reading on your bedside table - you have no intention of stopping reading the story but just now the images and sounds around you are more compelling. Well that is how it was for me.

[Got it]

Well, I get the occupational aspect, but I do not see it as useful. More like a response to daily traumatic events, but damaging to one's inner self? Child abuse comes to mind, as a comparison. You survive it, but the ability to separate from your feelings keeps you alive, not healthy. Compartmentalizing is very unhealthy.

 

My exMM suffered child abuse, some physical but mostly emotional. I know for a fact that he has an ability to put his feelings in a box and put the box on a shelf until later. We have discussed it. The problem is that he now has no idea how he genuinely feels about anyone or anything. I could not marry him now, knowing how severe the problem is. (We have known each other since forever.) Compartmentalizing is an ugly quality that allows someone to do pretty much anything behind anyone's back and put away their feelings about it. Isn't that an 'almost sociopath'?

 

Maybe but I think, like many things, that compartmentalizing is on a sliding scale. I compartmentalize for work. I deal with people that outside of here I would NEVER associate with but I need to be collaborative with them. I have taken many hits as it is kind of par for the course at this level. It is what it is and the nature of the business.

 

So I do that and then I don't bring it home. If I couldn't compartmentalize I would be far more upset when I get thrown under the bus on something, or find out someone was double speaking, or just don't agree with the company's direction/decision. And that would spill over to my personal life, I would take it out on others, etc. and that isn't healthy either.

 

We need to be able to do some level of compartmentalizing or we would never get anything done. But it is a wide spectrum and obviously too far on either end is not healthy or functional.

[zevahc]

Exactly. Man up and tell the truth. This is the problem. Many OW believe they are getting honesty while the BS gets the lies. "He loves me so I get the truth. I get the best of him."

 

Reality is you get his idealism. He wants both but most OW will settle for his wishes. "I wish I'd met you first, I wish you were the mother of my children, blah blah."

 

He probably was undecided because he didn't need to make a decision. Conversely, if they were actually capable of making decisions (acting like a man), they wouldn't be in an affair in the first place.

 

On a side note, in many cases, it seems like many MM shift the wishing, placating behavior to their BS after DDay. The more I read about them telling their wives....I didn't really love her, I didn't really like the sex, I didn't really think she was attractive, etc. the more I believe most if these men are constantly in damage control mode. I don't think they know what they want. They just don't want to be alone. They don't want to be the bad guy.

 

It's a shame for both the women they have claimed to love.

 

I'm not trying to hijack...as a matter of fact, I am always curious about the differences between men and women...in my case I'm the OM...and she is a WS. I do think she compartmentalizes...I wonder if females and males compartmentalize differently. I tend to think men are stroking their egos more than women...and with females it's more blocking of real issues or emotions...i enabled the WS to cake eat..and I think filled her emotional void to a point where she became "whole". With some of the cheating men I've known from the past..(not on here), it seems that are narcissistic a-holes.

[Got it]

I see many single AP use the same tool. They don't look at the whole picture, just this one little slice. And then it is okay to proceed.

 

One then gets to keep the positive view of oneself. And gets to enjoy it as well. People will go to great lengths, mental gymnastics, rewriting history to keep their positive view of themselves. Heck, they will even try to sell an affair (after the WS divorces) as a brand new relationship so they can avoid the uncomfortable views that would be coming their way. I read it here all the time.

 

It is no different.

 

How is that compartmentalizing? That is spin. Two totally different things. Spin, rewriting history, and compartmentalizing are all coping mechanisms but they aren't all compartmentalizing.

 

And "selling the affair" wouldn't that be more of being out there with the knowledge the relationship started as an affair and "selling" the positives for it? And why would people need to have a banner "this relationship started as an affair" to the world? Who does that for any reason? I am not one to go over my personal life with others as is so regardless of how we started I wouldn't be selling it to the world. Is this like needing to wear a scarlet letter?

[AlwaysGrowing]

How is that compartmentalizing? That is spin. Two totally different things. Spin, rewriting history, and compartmentalizing are all coping mechanisms but they aren't all compartmentalizing.

 

And "selling the affair" wouldn't that be more of being out there with the knowledge the relationship started as an affair and "selling" the positives for it? And why would people need to have a banner "this relationship started as an affair" to the world? Who does that for any reason? I am not one to go over my personal life with others as is so regardless of how we started I wouldn't be selling it to the world. Is this like needing to wear a scarlet letter?

 

Whenever a person, puts their actions into a box it is a form of compartmentalizing. There are threads now, that speak to this. Of how, sometimes the "box" opens and it bothers them.

 

Most relationships, when another asks how you met, how long you have been together, a couple would answer honestly. They don't hide their relationship, and spin facts. To have the very center of your life (your primary relationship) something that you have to lie about is unhealthy.

 

And no, it is not about a scarlet letter...it is about living authentically.

[zevahc]

Regardless of gender, I still believe the married AP idealizes outcomes. The affair is a form of escapism so it comes with the territory. Actually acting on what they say would involve reality. With conflict avoiders, reality is not an option.

 

That's when the "let's take a break" discussions take place. I truly believe she is managing you. When you start sharing your needs, she backs off. It's all about selfishness.

 

I may never know...and that's ok. She's admitted selfishness tons of times...i don't think she manages me on purpose...but I do think that's what she does...simply because of her innate selfishness...otherwise she would have let me move on..or taken action.

[Got it]

Whenever a person, puts their actions into a box it is a form of compartmentalizing. There are threads now, that speak to this. Of how, sometimes the "box" opens and it bothers them.

 

Most relationships, when another asks how you met, how long you have been together, a couple would answer honestly. They don't hide their relationship, and spin facts. To have the very center of your life (your primary relationship) something that you have to lie about is unhealthy.

 

And no, it is not about a scarlet letter...it is about living authentically.

 

You can talk about how you met, how long, etc and not be lying. Dates mean different things to different people. I never remember them very well (I actually picked an easy to remember date for my wedding ).

 

I guess it depends on how verbose someone is and how open they tend to be.

[cocorico]

Whenever a person, puts their actions into a box it is a form of compartmentalizing. There are threads now, that speak to this. Of how, sometimes the "box" opens and it bothers them.

 

Most relationships, when another asks how you met, how long you have been together, a couple would answer honestly. They don't hide their relationship, and spin facts. To have the very center of your life (your primary relationship) something that you have to lie about is unhealthy.

 

And no, it is not about a scarlet letter...it is about living authentically.

 

Yes. We have never lied about any of that. We are open, when asked, that he still had a vestigial M when we met, and it has never been a scarlet letter - everyone who has asked has found it very romantic, a love that triumphs over adversity.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can talk about how you met, how long, etc and not be lying. Dates mean different things to different people. I never remember them very well (I actually picked an easy to remember date for my wedding ).

 

I guess it depends on how verbose someone is and how open they tend to be.

 

 

I would hope that one is open with family and friends.

 

The issue that I see with those that hide their relationship, waiting to disclose after X amount of "respectable" time has passed. Is that it cements poor coping skills (manipulation, lying...etc) with each other and others.. They build a "box" and say....nope...that never happened...this did, so the whole relationship is just some made up story.

 

Being that so very few affairs turn into long term committed relationships...what would be the tools that the successful ones used. In my opinion, those couples dealt with those poor coping skills, put a plan in place on how they are going to treat each other, put stronger boundaries in place in regard to opposite sex friends, and lived an authentic life. Probably why, as cocorico has stated, that they are supported as a couple.

[Got it]

I would hope that one is open with family and friends.

 

The issue that I see with those that hide their relationship, waiting to disclose after X amount of "respectable" time has passed. Is that it cements poor coping skills (manipulation, lying...etc) with each other and others.. They build a "box" and say....nope...that never happened...this did, so the whole relationship is just some made up story.

 

Being that so very few affairs turn into long term committed relationships...what would be the tools that the successful ones used. In my opinion, those couples dealt with those poor coping skills, put a plan in place on how they are going to treat each other, put stronger boundaries in place in regard to opposite sex friends, and lived an authentic life. Probably why, as cocorico has stated, that they are supported as a couple.

 

Sorry but I just don't agree that it is really that big of a deal in regards to moving timelines. This is obviously subjective. I don't agree it cements poor coping mechanisms either. It may but it may not at least through them as a partnership.

 

Again, if one feels they need to be verbose and create a wild story then that is one thing. But not telling many details and just being vague, I think, is something else.

[wannabdone]

Men and women have some considerable variations regarding brain function and stimulus reaction.

 

Men are more likely to find compartmentalising a relatively simple way of dealing with what could otherwise be very stressful and distressing psychological situations, as well as highly developed separating logic skills.

 

Women typically have more empathetic responses to emotional stimulus than our male counterparts.

 

The responses of both genders are noticeably variant within the setting of clandestine affairs.

 

Totally!!

 

Men and women's brains work differently to begin with. Men's brains use specific parts of one hemisphere, women's are more diffused and work with both hemisphere's. It simply starts with how we are wired.

 

I do think that being in an A causes the compartmentalization to grow more and more. Its like exercising a muscle, it becomes bigger and bigger. In certain jobs as one poster mentioned, and the same with A's you are exercising your compartmentalization muscle more and more, and with that it grows.

 

Men can be in love with someone, and love someone else. And they can see this as two totally different things.

 

Now on the other hand, saying that "you are my world", and "I can't live with out you", etc. to both women, isn't compartmentalization, that is out and out being a liar. Lying and compartmentalization are two different things.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Wannabdone....said it best...its like exercising a muscle..the more you use poor coping skills the easier they are to use, without even realizing it. It can become ingrained. Not healthy at all.

 

That is how compartmentalizing at work...due to necessity/being able to function can become insidious if one is not cognitive of oneself.

[Got it]

Wannabdone....said it best...its like exercising a muscle..the more you use poor coping skills the easier they are to use, without even realizing it. It can become ingrained. Not healthy at all.

 

That is how compartmentalizing at work...due to necessity/being able to function can become insidious if one is not cognitive of oneself.

 

Yes but I don't think people are generally that stupid. These things don't just sneak up on you. I have never felt that because I am lying here that suddenly it is easier to lie everywhere.

 

And, sorry, but certain industries and position require compartmentalizing. The world is just not going to focus without it and it is naive and quite foolish to think otherwise. It has been listed here in law enforcement, these people could not function if they didn't have this coping mechanism. It just is.

 

And there are positions that require it, especially as you move up the ladder into executive roles. While it is not healthy to compartmentalize everything in one's life, it is not healthy to blur it all together and bring your work frustrations home with you. Putting them on a shelf, and dealing with them just at work makes for a much more peaceful home life then being pissed off at someone and bringing it home and taking it out on everyone there.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Got it

[MissBee]

I'm confused...are we talking about compartmentalizing in any form or fashion or as it relates to interpersonal relationships?

 

I assumed the latter based on the question and the board it's on.

 

 

We all have different faculties for different spheres of our lives and doing a certain thing in one sphere may be productive and not so in others. Compartmentalizing in the short term for a job is different than engaging in relationships where you do this, and even in the job setting, depending on what you're required to compartmentalize, it can also lead to emotional distress. So there has to be some balance.

 

In any case, no one will convince me that being in a relationship where my partner must relegate me to a box or I them is necessary or healthy long term. Compartmentalizing is something we need to do at one point or another for different reasons but I wouldn't confuse that with it being a lifestyle choice or healthy feature in a romantic relationship.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes but I don't think people are generally that stupid. These things don't just sneak up on you. I have never felt that because I am lying here that suddenly it is easier to lie everywhere.

 

And, sorry, but certain industries and position require compartmentalizing. The world is just not going to focus without it and it is naive and quite foolish to think otherwise. It has been listed here in law enforcement, these people could not function if they didn't have this coping mechanism. It just is.

 

And there are positions that require it, especially as you move up the ladder into executive roles. While it is not healthy to compartmentalize everything in one's life, it is not healthy to blur it all together and bring your work frustrations home with you. Putting them on a shelf, and dealing with them just at work makes for a much more peaceful home life then being pissed off at someone and bringing it home and taking it out on everyone there.

 

 

That was me that listed occupations. So, I am not naive or foolish. I completely understand the usefulness of being able to compartmentalize. What I said, is that often, those who regularly use it for their jobs, it is easier to then apply it with their issues at home, family, friends, spouse, child..etc...

 

Those occupations that use it for horrific events, is quite different than in an office setting. Military personnel live it 24 hours a day while on active duty, it is not something they put on a shelf after "work".

[Furious]

BSs struggle to understand it. What do you all think of it, from this side of the triangle?

 

14 months after my A has ended, it is the thing I can't grasp. I did not compartmentalize; I was completely done with my M, even though I didn't tell my H this until I was working to stop all C with my exAP. I cannot grasp someone doing, saying, feeling what my exMM did while married to someone that he WANTED. In my mind, it has to be some sort of sociopathic tendency. He must have no feelings rather than too many feelings. That's the only way I can see it now.

 

Marriage is very, very complicated, I know. I could understand the BS hearing "I didn't love you anymore, so I did these things with him/her. I didn't care about you. But now I realize! I just forgot what I had! I'm so sorry." That actually makes a lot of sense, broken sense, but sense. Or the "I don't love my BS anymore. Haven't for a long time. I do love you and will figure out how to do it." And then doing it! Leaving! It makes sense, even though it is very hurtful to the BS. But the "Oh, I can't divorce him/her because I care about them, but you are my soulmate! I live for you! I will never leave you. We will figure this out, make it work." There is something very, very, VERY unsettling about that type of person. I would not want to be M to that person, no matter AP or BS. No, there is something wrong with that person. Feeling that way is . . . unhealthy, to say the very least.

 

Ability to compartmentalize really well = very broken psyche? childhood trauma? Something is very wrong with this type of person. Does anyone else see it this way? In all the affairs that are out there, this is the AP that seems the most broken, now that I look back on my experience. I am not disturbed by his staying M; it never bothered me. She seems perfectly nice. But if he wanted her, loved her, respected her, how could he do all he did with me? That is what haunts me and why I don't love him anymore, not because of letting me go. It's what he was able to do to her, even though he wanted to stay M. My god.

 

 

 

I rarely post in this forum because I respect the need of affair partners to have their own place to get support and to talk freely of they circumstance.

 

Charade....I believe you're smart and intuitive.

 

Compartmentalization is something I struggled to understand. In a way we all do this to an extent. A perfect example are children who are experiencing something beyond their scope and lock it away in order to survive their childhood and then deal with it in their adulthood. Compartmentalization is a survival coping mechanism that is beneficial and also destructive depending on it's evolution.

 

Some people can move beyond compartmentalization and some use it as a crutch throughout their lives and that's the distinction between growing or remaining stuck in a pattern of dysfunction.

 

Some people can break away from compartmentalization and some people only function within it.

[Cali408]

I see compartmentalizing in an affair as Oscar award winning acting.

 

Who do you love the most and gets your charms? AP. Why because its intense, exciting, sneaky, hormone surging.

 

But who have you built a life with? Spouse. Day to day routine, unexciting, kids, bills, job, etc. The excitement is gone.

 

If one can think logically, they know what the right thing is and not upset the apple cart so to speak. So when they leave the afternoon of romantic love making in the Econolodge, they have to flip the switch.

 

I believe in some ways compartmentalizing is reducing your risk. You don't want your spouse to find out. You want the best of both worlds. (so tired of the cake eater cliche). So, you flip the switch and act as if everything is normal.

 

Most people, including myself are/were insane in their affairs. You aren't thinking clearly at all. It's like getting the next drug fix. At the point you're doing it, logic goes out the window.

[John-Dough]

I read an interesting article in Forbes regarding compartmentalization as a valuable tool for entrepreneurs. To summarize, it basically says that you have numerous things going on in your life, all very important: several different different business situations, relationship issues, problems with your children, death of a parent, etc. All of these are important. All of these are stressful. All of these require your undivided attention. So, it is necessary to compartmentalize these different issues into different areas of your brain. And, you open up one compartment, work with it for a while, then close the compartment and move on to the next one. If you have some traumatic event happen in your life, and you will, we all do - you can't just shutdown, you have to compartmentalize.

 

Some people can't do it.

[carhill]

Ability to compartmentalize really well = very broken psyche? childhood trauma? Something is very wrong with this type of person. Does anyone else see it this way?

 

Hard to say. I think my first exposure to compartmentalizing was being socially pressured as a child to ignore pain, never cry and 'be a man'. IOW, in my case, to ignore the pain of physical and emotional assault and soldier on, putting it away in a compartment and ignoring it in everyday life. I was lousy at that and never really got good at it, though I'm probably better at it today. I also would say I value human life a bit less too, as a result. There's always tradeoffs.

 

As each person's psychology and life experience is unique, another person could respond to life stimulus by compartmentalizing and, if such is sufficiently pronounced, could live entirely 'separate' lives in each compartment, psychologically.

 

Relevant to your example in the infidelity area, I simply told my exW, while we were in MC, that my love for her died one day at a time (no surprise to her since I had been telling her the same thing for a couple years) and was having an EA with someone I felt could love me back. It was no more complicated than that. Sure, marriage is, or can be, complicated. MC helped break it down into basic blocks for myself and understand better why my solution to, ironically, my inability to compartmentalize pain, was unhealthy and wrong. Got that resolved and got divorced.

 

IMO, based on life experience, people who are better able to compartmentalize can also be more successful at having affairs. I was a dismal failure at it, though the failure did teach some important life lessons, hence why I'm single now over three years since divorcing. Had I been a better compartmentalizer, I might still be married, or with someone else nearly immediately, as my exW was. Everyone has their own path. Good luck on yours.

[sunburned]

My xMOM told me he didn't have guilt because he could compartmentalize. At the time, I did not really understand what that meant. In IC, the therapist said run from people who say this. It means they can live in a deceptive state.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My xMOM told me he didn't have guilt because he could compartmentalize. At the time, I did not really understand what that meant. In IC, the therapist said run from people who say this. It means they can live in a deceptive state.

 

I think this is why there are some people that can live with the guilt. I know this is what I HAD to do while in my affair because if I truly faced what I was doing I would have absolutely been destroyed. Compartmentalization was the only way. Then when I understood (really understood) what I had done, I had to apologize to everyone - even XMOM (via a note - never expected anything in return just had to do it for myself). And, I was sexually abused as a young girl - I learned to compartmentalize that trauma as well in order to survive.

 

The people that don't apologize for hurting others like that are the ones that really worry me.

 

I even worry about my husband. I know that men are typically better at this than women because of their make up. In my husband's profession he leaves everything at the office and he has to compartmentalize in his profession or it would absolutely destroy him. So I believe he is able to do this very well. I think XMOM is very much the same.

 

I couldn't do it - I had to at least try to make amends even by meeting with the BS.