difficult choices...... re posted.......

[proteus]

I met a woman about 3 months ago, and all I knew of her then was that she had a real piece of ##### for a boyfriend, that she was getting rid of. And she had two kids by him.

 

we started seeing one another and I fell madly in love with her. I know that she is the one for me. My soul mate, the one I have been waiting for my whole life. But, you guessed it, there is a catch.

 

Now the beginning.

 

She has had a very rough life,being mentally abused by her family. Controlled by them so much that she automatically does what they say, without any real thought about it. Like reflex.

 

And the hand full of guys that shes had in her life have treated her like #####. she is accustomed to abuse, acepts it as a part of life.

 

Then she meets me. I treat her in a way she has never know before. I see the love in her eyes and hear it in her voice, but it's like she is afraid of feeling so good. That she is afraid tha I am too good to be true, like I will desert her like everyone else has...

 

So, now she is going to give this piece of crap another chance. I know how the abuseive relationships work. All of the women in my family over the age of 15 have been in at least one in their life, and most of them took years to finally get out, and say that they have had enough...

 

I am the only thing she has right now, she has no other kind of emotional support, no one else she can turn to. But I find It so hard to just sit back and witness this...not do anything at all except listen when she talks and tell her that everything is going to work out. But, she isn't with me and until she leave him behind it won't be alright for her or the kids.

 

Her oldest is 2 years old, and is already starting to immitate his fathers behavior. He is so intelligent, he picks up on things so quickly...and he sees all the negatives in a relationship...he will be just like his father unless something is done soon.

 

She is so confused, and I just don't know how to deal with this situation or even if I should.

 

I want and need her so badly, that I find it hard to keep myself from running the guy off.

 

But, I think she is worth waiting for.

 

and even if I din't love her, I'd still want to help her and the kids get out of a bad situation...

 

Believe me I know how hard it is for them to get out...

 

I need advice, and quick.

 

From anyone who thinks they have sound advice. Especially anyone who has gone through a similar experience. From either perspective, victim of abuse or the friend trying to help...

 

Please, She's not the only one who is confused...

 

Thank you for any insight you can provide

[Tony T]

You're not going to like what I am about to write so if you care to you may stop reading now and go elsewhere. I'll give you a few moments to decide............................

 

This girl will probably remain confused most of her life. Until she realizes just how screwed up she is, she will not seek the help she needs to be a fully actualized as an emotionally healthy human being. And until that, she will be incapable of actively and properly participating in an emotionally healthy and rewarding relationship.

 

As you admitted yourself, abuse is all she knows and she will only be at home with that. She will always gravitate to men who are abusive. People who treat her kindly with love and respect will feel very foreign and confusing to her. She will not know how to respond. A man like you cannot fulfill her addiction to chaos. Until she goes through several years of intensive therapy, group therapy, or workshops on dysfunctional families, you won't have a chance with her.

 

You cannot possibly be in love with her. Yes, you think you are. You are probably very physically attracted to her. Perhaps you feel a bit sorry for her. But we love someone because of their behavior and what you think you are in love with is a false self which she established long ago for survival. You will never know the real HER until she finds her own self. That may be years and years from now.

 

Dysfunction is passed on generationally because abuse victims tend to gravitate to people who administer the kind of abuse they are used to. Yes, her kids will imitate the father and the sins of the father will be visited upon subsequent generations. This is all pretty elementary stuff...it's even in The Bible.

 

If you want to read about this stuff, go to a good bookstore and buy: Bradshaw On: The Family by John Bradshaw. This and other of his books are excellent in explaining the dynamics of dysfunctional families and adult children.

 

There isn't much of a chance you're going to have anything but a chaotic relationship with this lady. It is not healthy for someone like you, who seems to be pretty together, to get mixed up with her. You are not qualified to fix her, either. She could wreck your life...or a good portion of it.

 

Your call.

[mimi]

I am in the same situation as your friend , I have children and I have allowed him to treat me badly and be emotionally abusive for way to long , I also know that it comes from my childhood abuse that did not allow me to see just how wrong my marriage was , his abuse was better then theirs (my mind would tell me) I know I need to get out for myself and my kids , but it is not easy . For me I want to be sure my kids won't have to suffer in anyway, because of our marriage ending and I am doing my best to get on my feet , so I can provide for them , because for me , I need to not have to ask him for anything , its the only way I can be free from him, we are seperated and he thinks we are trying ,(he has mental problems) but at this point thats the way it has to be until I can get out , I have been in counceling for along time , and believe that your friend needs to go for her own sake she needs to get emotionally strong to get through this,I have a friend that came along just when I neded him , he has been like an angel , and I know I confuse him alot , and he really tries to understand what I am going through , he wants a life with me , I have told him I don't know how long it will take and he is still waiting for me , and its true I have told him that he is just to good to be true , it has been like a dream , I welcome a relationship that actually feels good and is so giving , and I know now that what I feel for him and the way he feels for me is the way love is surpose to be. It has been what I have needed all my life and it is wonderful to know now that I will finally have the love I have deserved all this time. It's just a matter of time .

 

She needs to know its never gonna get better, he is never gonna change, and she will never be happy with him, she needs to value herself as a person and stand up for herself and build her self esteem , also let her know that everyone deserves to be happy and loved the way they need to be loved, not the way someone else chooses to love you.

 

I know it hard watching it happen ,but its also hard for her to go through it, she will gather her strength and be strong , but something needs to wake her up before it will happen and sadly she won't be able to tell you when that will be.ask her to go to a library there are many self help books that may be helpful to make her realize just why she is allowing herself to be treated this way .

 

If she has a computer marriage builders.com has a great forum that has examples of real people getting through bad relationships, and when its time to let go.

 

good luck and have faith !

[Deejette]

Your desire to rescue this lady is very admirable, but you are not Superman and cannot whisk down and save the situation just because you want to. She is contributing to the problem by accepting the boyfriend back. He isn't even her husband and she is committed to the relationship, as if just sticking around will make things improve.

 

This girl is an enabler for abusive men. She lets them be abusive, tolerates it, and invites them back for more. Your being a nice guy, stepping in, and even kicking the bf out of her life, does not mean he won't come back, especially since abuse is the only thing she is used to and knows (like the prisoners who keep returning to jail because it is the only life they know).

 

You want to forcefully fix the problem. But the problem is hers to fix. She is the one who needs to kick the guy to the curb and resolve not to have him back, not you. She is the one that has to insist that the kids have a good example as a male role model.

I am in the same situation as your friend , I have children and I have allowed him to treat me badly and be emotionally abusive for way to long , I also know that it comes from my childhood abuse that did not allow me to see just how wrong my marriage was , his abuse was better then theirs (my mind would tell me) I know I need to get out for myself and my kids , but it is not easy . For me I want to be sure my kids won't have to suffer in anyway, because of our marriage ending and I am doing my best to get on my feet , so I can provide for them , because for me , I need to not have to ask him for anything , its the only way I can be free from him, we are seperated and he thinks we are trying ,(he has mental problems) but at this point thats the way it has to be until I can get out , I have been in counceling for along time , and believe that your friend needs to go for her own sake she needs to get emotionally strong to get through this,I have a friend that came along just when I neded him , he has been like an angel , and I know I confuse him alot , and he really tries to understand what I am going through , he wants a life with me , I have told him I don't know how long it will take and he is still waiting for me , and its true I have told him that he is just to good to be true , it has been like a dream , I welcome a relationship that actually feels good and is so giving , and I know now that what I feel for him and the way he feels for me is the way love is surpose to be. It has been what I have needed all my life and it is wonderful to know now that I will finally have the love I have deserved all this time. It's just a matter of time . She needs to know its never gonna get better, he is never gonna change, and she will never be happy with him, she needs to value herself as a person and stand up for herself and build her self esteem , also let her know that everyone deserves to be happy and loved the way they need to be loved, not the way someone else chooses to love you. I know it hard watching it happen ,but its also hard for her to go through it, she will gather her strength and be strong , but something needs to wake her up before it will happen and sadly she won't be able to tell you when that will be.ask her to go to a library there are many self help books that may be helpful to make her realize just why she is allowing herself to be treated this way . If she has a computer marriage builders.com has a great forum that has examples of real people getting through bad relationships, and when its time to let go. good luck and have faith !

[Ed]

You need to turn around and "RUN FOR THE HILLS", screaming and hollering the whole way, with your fingers in your ears.

 

You are trying to take on WAY to much responsibility for this woman's life. It is a very sad situation she is in. But it is her situation, not yours. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people in this same situation. You will not have trouble finding another.

 

And get this through your head right now - You don't NEED her (or any other woman for that matter). You may WANT someone special in your life, but there is a big difference between WANTING and NEEDING! What you NEED is someone is emotionally stable and capable of sustaining a healthy environment for a relationship to flourish. From what you described, she does not fill this bill.

 

At times, all of us should put the needs of others ahead of our own. You aren't even considering what your real needs are. What you are trying to do here is be her "savior". And no matter how much compassion you have, you just can't save her. She is the only one that can save herself.

 

I have been in a few of these situations myself. You may just have to go ahead and try it to really understand it. I know I probably would not have listened to anyones advice, had I been smart enough to ask for it at the time.

[proteus]

I am in the same situation as your friend , I have children and I have allowed him to treat me badly and be emotionally abusive for way to long , I also know that it comes from my childhood abuse that did not allow me to see just how wrong my marriage was , his abuse was better then theirs (my mind would tell me) I know I need to get out for myself and my kids , but it is not easy . For me I want to be sure my kids won't have to suffer in anyway, because of our marriage ending and I am doing my best to get on my feet , so I can provide for them , because for me , I need to not have to ask him for anything , its the only way I can be free from him, we are seperated and he thinks we are trying ,(he has mental problems) but at this point thats the way it has to be until I can get out , I have been in counceling for along time , and believe that your friend needs to go for her own sake she needs to get emotionally strong to get through this,I have a friend that came along just when I neded him , he has been like an angel , and I know I confuse him alot , and he really tries to understand what I am going through , he wants a life with me , I have told him I don't know how long it will take and he is still waiting for me , and its true I have told him that he is just to good to be true , it has been like a dream , I welcome a relationship that actually feels good and is so giving , and I know now that what I feel for him and the way he feels for me is the way love is surpose to be. It has been what I have needed all my life and it is wonderful to know now that I will finally have the love I have deserved all this time. It's just a matter of time . She needs to know its never gonna get better, he is never gonna change, and she will never be happy with him, she needs to value herself as a person and stand up for herself and build her self esteem , also let her know that everyone deserves to be happy and loved the way they need to be loved, not the way someone else chooses to love you. I know it hard watching it happen ,but its also hard for her to go through it, she will gather her strength and be strong , but something needs to wake her up before it will happen and sadly she won't be able to tell you when that will be.ask her to go to a library there are many self help books that may be helpful to make her realize just why she is allowing herself to be treated this way . If she has a computer marriage builders.com has a great forum that has examples of real people getting through bad relationships, and when its time to let go. good luck and have faith !

[proteus]

I want to thank you for your response, and I am very happy that things are working out for you in your situation. It's been awhile since my situation first started and since then, she has gone in to counceling now and has begun to really talk about her problems and to recognize that they do exist.....but (how I hate that word)so far, it's not enough......

 

She has taken some very big steps, and I know that she will find the strength to take the rest...

 

I know now that it's not my place to interfere with how she solves her problems with him...even though I still feel like running him off.

 

Your story has inspired me, and has given me new hope for the future... if it can be happily ever after for one person then it can be for two...

 

you have tremendous strength and compassion, and I thank you for sharing it with me...

[proteus]

Deejette, I want to thank you as well for your response.

 

You have said the same kinds of things that I have thought every since this happened to me...but I have chosen to look more on the positive side, no matter how realistic it is...

 

I agree with you that I am no superman, and it's not my place to jump in and run the guy off, but I disagree with you that it's not my place to TRY to rescue her.

 

I believe that that's why people have so many problems in life, because no one is willing to help one another when they really need it...but even so...I try to help her because I Love her, I know that I can'just expain the problem too her and poof- she instantly understands and accepts it...but I can still be there for her,listen to her, and give of my self when it's needed by her...

 

And I believe that it's working..

 

She has gone into counceling and has started to recognize that she has problems and that her relationship with him isn't a healthy one, and every professional will say: the first step to solving a problem is recognizing you have one.

 

She has even said, finally, that "she is also to blame for the problem cause she has accepted it as her life for so long...and that she is afraid to let it go, it's all she has ever known...but she WANTS to let it go, so she will find a way to face her fears somehow."

 

She said to me today: "In my mind, it seems safer to accept a little pain over a long period of time thant to accept a lot of pain in a short period of time, and it's going to be very painful to let him go, even though I know that it's the best thing I can do for myself, I don't know where to find the strength, I've tried and I'll keep trying."

 

The conversation we had was much longer, but that sums up pretty well....it's a step in the right direction Deejette..

 

Your imput has helped me greatly, and I want to thank you again...it's made me realize that I have been doing the right thing...for her and for me.

 

I don't pretend to know how long this will take, or even if we will get together when it's all done, but I do believe that she will face her fears and conquer them...then she will get rid of him for good...with my help or not, I believe she will....but I think it will be a little easier for her knowing that I AM here for her, in what ever way she needs. However long it takes.

[Deejette]

You sound like a kind and loving person and this lady is very fortunate that you are there for her. The fact that she is seeking help and wants to change is a good sign. It shows that she is willing to do the work that it takes to break out of old, self-destructive patterns.

 

This is the right approach, because as much as we want to help other people, it can backfire on us if they don't participate. It's like giving money to the alcoholic beggar, who will use it for more booze instead of for food. That very money the kind person gives him may pay for the final bottle of booze that kills him.

Deejette, I want to thank you as well for your response. You have said the same kinds of things that I have thought every since this happened to me...but I have chosen to look more on the positive side, no matter how realistic it is... I agree with you that I am no superman, and it's not my place to jump in and run the guy off, but I disagree with you that it's not my place to TRY to rescue her. I believe that that's why people have so many problems in life, because no one is willing to help one another when they really need it...but even so...I try to help her because I Love her, I know that I can'just expain the problem too her and poof- she instantly understands and accepts it...but I can still be there for her,listen to her, and give of my self when it's needed by her...

 

And I believe that it's working.. She has gone into counceling and has started to recognize that she has problems and that her relationship with him isn't a healthy one, and every professional will say: the first step to solving a problem is recognizing you have one.

 

She has even said, finally, that "she is also to blame for the problem cause she has accepted it as her life for so long...and that she is afraid to let it go, it's all she has ever known...but she WANTS to let it go, so she will find a way to face her fears somehow." She said to me today: "In my mind, it seems safer to accept a little pain over a long period of time thant to accept a lot of pain in a short period of time, and it's going to be very painful to let him go, even though I know that it's the best thing I can do for myself, I don't know where to find the strength, I've tried and I'll keep trying." The conversation we had was much longer, but that sums up pretty well....it's a step in the right direction Deejette.. Your imput has helped me greatly, and I want to thank you again...it's made me realize that I have been doing the right thing...for her and for me. I don't pretend to know how long this will take, or even if we will get together when it's all done, but I do believe that she will face her fears and conquer them...then she will get rid of him for good...with my help or not, I believe she will....but I think it will be a little easier for her knowing that I AM here for her, in what ever way she needs. However long it takes.