Should I divorce

[Spots]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We haven't had sex in many years. I have recently met a woman that I am extremely attracted to, I am considering leaving my wife for her. My wife got into a terrible car crash a few years ago and was in a coma. Now I have to dress, feed, bathe, put her to bed etc. I don't mind doing this because I love her but it's becoming too much for me. The medical appointments, the physical therapy, the visiting nurse services, the bills, working it's too much. My wife and I don't have sex anymore. We haven't touched each other in three years. We tried she said it's too painful and she doesn't feel up to it and isn't in the mood. We don't even sleep in the same bed. I met this other woman one year ago and she is amazing. She listens is respectful and cares for my needs. When I'm stressed or need to talk she is always there. I do love my wife but it's not the same love when we first got married. I have needs that she can't fulfill anymore. I'm tired. I always take care of her needs but she can't take care of mine. I'm deciding if I want to divorce her or not. I know it might get pretty nasty, but I have the right to be happy and right now I'm not happy with her. I'm stuck if I should file papers or not. Right now there is a lot to consider.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you have children together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yarrow]

It sounds like you really need to consider what is really going on for you. It sounds like you are burned out from caring for her and need more support than what you are getting. I wonder if there are any other people that are helping you with her physical care - brothers or sisters (yours or hers), friends, parents, etc. I wonder if you have another other friends or family that can give you emotional support. As you say, you are tired. Another woman comes along and all she has to do is listen to you and fill that role of emotional support and you think about leaving your wife, whom you claim to love. This woman may or may not be great for you, but I think you need to consider that the stress of caring for you wife alone might be clouding your judgement and making this other woman more attractive to you than she might otherwise be. You are clearly in a vulnerable spot. So the first thing to do isn't to run off with another woman, but to admit that you can't carry the load all by yourself and see what you can do offload some of the work and getting your own emotional needs met. It means calling in your support network. I have a feeling that the end result is going to come down to how good your support network is.

[Misadventure]

 

-It sounds like you really need to consider what is really going on for you. It sounds like you are burned out from caring for her and need more support than what you are getting. -

 

- I have a feeling that the end result is going to come down to how good your support network is.

 

Ding Ding Ding!!!! These two things right here!!!

 

I understand that things are not the same as when you married 10 yrs ago... Perhaps I was the optimist... I would have stood by my spouse even if he was in a bodycast and I fed him jello daily. That's just what you do for someone you committed yourself to and made those vows of in sickness and in health, for better or worse.

 

I understand you have needs but also look at your wife and realize you are her caretaker as well, not just her husband. YES, it may suck. But you became her partner in life when you made that commitment in marriage.

 

Perhaps get outside help/support for your wife and become a husband again emotionally and then try physically.

 

With women, the drive to have sex many times comes from emotion. If you have your head out the door already emotionally, why would she want to have sex with you?

 

Women have sex to get love, men give love to have sex. (Granted not all women, but most).

[2sunny]

Why don't you ask your wife for permission?

 

Continue taking care of your wife - but ask her if she's ok with you building a bond with the gal on the side.

 

As long as she agrees - and the OW knows you are still in it to caretake for your wife - then everyone understands what you intend to do.

 

You have already made her the OW - but you should discuss it with your wife. In sickness and in health, remember?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Should I divorce?

 

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We haven't had sex in many years

 

 

 

Of course - (even though I only bothered to read the first two sentences).

[vanillacrow]

I have the same question but am the woman instead, and my spouse is the one with a disability. His inability to sexually perform (cannot sustain erection, even with meds, and blood tests show nothing wrong), and to verbally and emotionally connect are a physchological disfuncation related to abuse that happened when he was younger. I pity him, but do not love him. I am working through my own emotions on how to leave and when, trying to figure out how to do the least possible harm to our daughter.

 

Personally, I think the answer is not to have affairs, and to dream of others being a solution. Any romance, even just in your head toying with the idea is just a distraction from working through this relationship and how to either change it to something worth living rather than enduring or end it instead.

 

The reality is that leaving will have consequences you will not like, and staying will as well-- one is not going to be better unless you choose to interpret it as such.

 

I feel the answer is to tell your spouse exactly what you feel.

Avoid getting defensive, be calm, maybe write it out beforehand.

Don't talk about others, talk about what you feel, and what you want.

Then, see what the next steps are based on that action.

[Spots]

Do you have children together?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No.. We wanted to wait

[Charlie Harper]

See a movie calle Breaking the waves, by lars von Thiers..... see it and you will have your answer.

[Spots]

It sounds like you really need to consider what is really going on for you. It sounds like you are burned out from caring for her and need more support than what you are getting. I wonder if there are any other people that are helping you with her physical care - brothers or sisters (yours or hers), friends, parents, etc. I wonder if you have another other friends or family that can give you emotional support. As you say, you are tired. Another woman comes along and all she has to do is listen to you and fill that role of emotional support and you think about leaving your wife, whom you claim to love. This woman may or may not be great for you, but I think you need to consider that the stress of caring for you wife alone might be clouding your judgement and making this other woman more attractive to you than she might otherwise be. You are clearly in a vulnerable spot. So the first thing to do isn't to run off with another woman, but to admit that you can't carry the load all by yourself and see what you can do offload some of the work and getting your own emotional needs met. It means calling in your support network. I have a feeling that the end result is going to come down to how good your support network is.

 

I am starting to love this OW. She cooks, is nice, listens, thinks of me when I'm gone,etc. I tried to get help. My wife doesn't want help from anyone but me. She is stubborn. Not only do I work 10-14 hours days I also have to take her to appointments do all the shopping and she still isn't happy. She always complains how something isn't right. She even kicked me out of our bedroom because she said she needs space to stretch out and she is sick and tired if me asking for sex. I'm about fed up. I can't do this anymore. I'm questioning if I love her or not. I wanted to hire a house keeper and a nurse aid to help out a few times a week but she said no. I tried that already. I feel really unwanted right now by her.

[JamesM]

Three questions...

 

Did you not commit to better or for worse? This is the worse part.

 

Would you want her to divorce you and leave you all alone if the roles were reversed?

 

Would you stay with this new flame if she were to become like your wife?

 

I understand. I have a wife who lives with pain. My life is unpredictable. And as is well documented here, we don't have alot of sex.

 

 

I have the right to be happy

 

That sentence says it all and explains why so many seek out divorce. I disagree. You do not have the right IF it means you break your vows to your wife. That may sound harsh, but you did not commit to her ten years ago with any caveats. You said "I do" with the idea that you would love her no matter what. And on that day, you would have told your now self to stick by her.

 

Imagine how frustrated she is. She has the right to be happy too, yet that was taken away because of an accident. And now her happiness lies with you, and you want to take that away from her too? How does that show her your love?

 

I don't say this without any experience. I say it with complete understanding of your frustration. After 20+ years of marriage and with more than ten of them almost sexless with a wife who lives with pain and takes many medications just to get through the day, I can relate.

 

Yet I have not found that any woman can fill the void when I feel it because only she can ever fill that void. And if she can't, then no one can. Living with her at her worst is better than living with pretty much every other woman at their best.

 

You do not some support. You do need help with your care giving. You don't need another woman.

[JamesM]

I'm about fed up. I can't do this anymore. I'm questioning if I love her or not. I wanted to hire a house keeper and a nurse aid to help out a few times a week but she said no. I tried that already. I feel really unwanted right now by her.

 

She can't say no. You may have to tell her that you cannot do it alone anymore or you will break. She must begin to realize that this is hard for you too.

 

You may need to get some support from a social worker who can give you ideas on how to approach this.

 

I can see that this is very difficult and escape is very attractive. Unfortunately, I don't think that escape will make you happy in the long run. I think you simply need some help and relief.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

[2sunny]

Since you seem selfish and thinking of yourself - yes, divorce.

 

Marriage is NOT good when one person comes to the table with the attitude you have. Please warn the new OW how selfish you really are - she has a right to know you expect to be catered to and that you'll leave her when things get rough.

[lollipopspot]

I tried to get help. My wife doesn't want help from anyone but me. She is stubborn. Not only do I work 10-14 hours days I also have to take her to appointments do all the shopping and she still isn't happy... I wanted to hire a house keeper and a nurse aid to help out a few times a week but she said no. I tried that already. I feel really unwanted right now by her.

 

You need help. You need to tell her that - it's not her option at this point, it just has to happen.

 

The last sentence. You either need to be able to talk that out together, or get marriage counseling.

 

Too many of your needs aren't getting met and so you need to negotiate that with her. I believe generally in sticking by someone through illness and disability, but that doesn't mean that everything is on one person's terms. You still have a relationship that must be negotiated.

Edited November 6, 2013 by lollipopspot

[Spots]

Three questions...

 

Did you not commit to better or for worse? This is the worse part.

 

Would you want her to divorce you and leave you all alone if the roles were reversed?

 

Would you stay with this new flame if she were to become like your wife?

 

I understand. I have a wife who lives with pain. My life is unpredictable. And as is well documented here, we don't have alot of sex.

 

 

 

 

That sentence says it all and explains why so many seek out divorce. I disagree. You do not have the right IF it means you break your vows to your wife. That may sound harsh, but you did not commit to her ten years ago with any caveats. You said "I do" with the idea that you would love her no matter what. And on that day, you would have told your now self to stick by her.

 

Imagine how frustrated she is. She has the right to be happy too, yet that was taken away because of an accident. And now her happiness lies with you, and you want to take that away from her too? How does that show her your love?

 

I don't say this without any experience. I say it with complete understanding of your frustration. After 20+ years of marriage and with more than ten of them almost sexless with a wife who lives with pain and takes many medications just to get through the day, I can relate.

 

Yet I have not found that any woman can fill the void when I feel it because only she can ever fill that void. And if she can't, then no one can. Living with her at her worst is better than living with pretty much every other woman at their best.

 

You do not some support. You do need help with your care giving. You don't need another woman.

 

 

She puts the blame on me all the time. I don't even know if she is happy with me anymore. Everything changed including our marriage and relationship. She can still do things for herself but sometimes she need help. I don't know if I make her happy anymore. She always gets upset at me for bringing up certain topics. I try to talk to her she ignores me and shuts me down. I cook for her, she says I'm a bad cook and the food is disgusting. I make her bed, the bed isn't made right and she wants me to do it over. Sometimes I help bathe her, she doesn't like the way I do it or if I clean up, she says it's horrible. What else can I do for her to make her happy? I'm trying to make her smile and laugh and appreciate me. But it seems like she doesn't.

[Spots]

Since you seem selfish and thinking of yourself - yes, divorce.

 

Marriage is NOT good when one person comes to the table with the attitude you have. Please warn the new OW how selfish you really are - she has a right to know you expect to be catered to and that you'll leave her when things get rough.

 

How am I selfish??? I want to be and feel happy too

[Spots]

She can't say no. You may have to tell her that you cannot do it alone anymore or you will break. She must begin to realize that this is hard for you too.

 

You may need to get some support from a social worker who can give you ideas on how to approach this.

 

I can see that this is very difficult and escape is very attractive. Unfortunately, I don't think that escape will make you happy in the long run. I think you simply need some help and relief.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

 

She said getting help means we can't do it by ourselves.

[2sunny]

How am I selfish??? I want to be and feel happy too

 

Then get honest with your wife.

[lollipopspot]

She always gets upset at me for bringing up certain topics. I try to talk to her she ignores me and shuts me down.

 

It's not an option at this point. She needs to be able to talk about the things that you bring up here, or to agree to go to counseling with you to deal with it.

 

Tell her how high the stakes are for you, if she won't deal with these things so that you can both get your needs met in the marriage.

[2sunny]

She puts the blame on me all the time. I don't even know if she is happy with me anymore. Everything changed including our marriage and relationship. She can still do things for herself but sometimes she need help. I don't know if I make her happy anymore. She always gets upset at me for bringing up certain topics. I try to talk to her she ignores me and shuts me down. I cook for her, she says I'm a bad cook and the food is disgusting. I make her bed, the bed isn't made right and she wants me to do it over. Sometimes I help bathe her, she doesn't like the way I do it or if I clean up, she says it's horrible. What else can I do for her to make her happy? I'm trying to make her smile and laugh and appreciate me. But it seems like she doesn't.

 

Have you told her you're cheating?

 

Maybe she's angry because she knows you're interested in another gal.

[Yarrow]

I'm about fed up. I can't do this anymore. I'm questioning if I love her or not. I wanted to hire a house keeper and a nurse aid to help out a few times a week but she said no. I tried that already. I feel really unwanted right now by her.

 

Ah. I see. Hire them anyway. You both need this. Right now, you are so busy being the housekeeper and the nurse that you don't have time to be the husband. She's so used to being the patient that she doesn't remember how to be a wife anymore.

 

Also, if the housekeeper doesn't make the bed the way she likes it, she can complain about the housekeeper instead of taking it out on you. It's easier for a hired maid not take it personally simply because she isn't married to your wife. You might have to explain to the maid that your wife is not well and doesn't mean half the stuff she says, then pay her a little bit more generously to put up with your wife's whinging, but the advantage is that it removes your housekeeping and nursemaiding style from the husband-wife equation.

 

Your wife sounds depressed. You sound depressed. You need to sort that out first. I don't actually think you are a bad person, but you have to realize that you are seeing this other woman not as a person but as an escape route and a ticket to happiness. You project onto her a fantasy of what your life would be like if you left your wife. It's dangerous because people are people with their own minds, not fantasies that you can shape to your liking. What's going to happen if you move in with her and find out that she doesn't conform to your ideal of happiness after all?

[lindsay1990]

I get the impression that your wife is still mentally sound, correct? You guys spoke about the sex being painful so, in fulfilment of your vows, you should strive to rebuild the connection with her.

 

As for the physical part, it is worth a shot to talk to your wife about letting you have a partner, discretely on the side to satisfy your needs. However, you still have vows to your wife, she hasn't broken hers and you love her so I would advise you not ?date? the other woman and share the intimacy with her.

[Frank13]

How am I selfish??? I want to be and feel happy too

 

I am with you. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

There is no reward at the end of your life for being a martyer. I don't understand people who think you should be miserable because you took marriage vows. You have to in order to get married. If it isn't working, that's what divorce is for.

 

You only get one shot at life. Live it to make yourself happy.

[JamesM]

She puts the blame on me all the time. I don't even know if she is happy with me anymore. Everything changed including our marriage and relationship. She can still do things for herself but sometimes she need help. I don't know if I make her happy anymore. She always gets upset at me for bringing up certain topics. I try to talk to her she ignores me and shuts me down. I cook for her, she says I'm a bad cook and the food is disgusting. I make her bed, the bed isn't made right and she wants me to do it over. Sometimes I help bathe her, she doesn't like the way I do it or if I clean up, she says it's horrible. What else can I do for her to make her happy? I'm trying to make her smile and laugh and appreciate me. But it seems like she doesn't.

 

She is unhappy with life. She is angry at what life has given her. She is frustrated with the fact that she is dependent on you. She hates it as much as you do.

 

You both need counseling. You need it to get help on how to be a caregiver. She needs it so that she can better deal with her "condition."

 

And you do need a support system no matter what she says.

 

She said getting help means we can't do it by ourselves.

 

And is that a bad thing? No. Many people in your situation do have help. There are agencies that offer support and help. She may end up liking you better if you do get help. You both will be happier.

 

Out of curiosity, what kind of person was she before the crash? Is her personality like it was then? Or was she a happier person? Was she very independent?

 

Let me be clear...I do NOT fault you for wanting a woman friend. And honestly, if that were all it was, then it would be fine. But I hear your desperation. I don't find you selfish at all. I think you have been dealing with this for so long that you need to step back and get your own life back without leaving her. You work. You take care of her. You sleep. You work. You take care of her. And so goes your week. This woman that you now are fascinated with...she provides a light in your week that makes life worth living again. Of course you think you are in love with her. Of course she is sympathetic and respects you for being the husband that you are. Part of your image is what you do for your wife. Walk away and you lost that.

 

Unless someone has walked in your shoes, most of us cannot understand what you deal with. Like I said, to a degree I do. My wife has her days that are awful. She may never leave her bed and I am "stuck" getting meals and getting kids taken care of. But even still, she has many good days. So, I cannot say I have walked in your shoes where every day, you dress her and bathe her and feed her.

 

You have alot on your plate, and there is nothing wrong with getting help. No one expected that you needed to commit to your vows and never ask for help. No one will think less of her or you if you do get help.

 

Question....while you are working, who takes care of her?

[JamesM]

There is no reward at the end of your life for being a martyer. I don't understand people who think you should be miserable because you took marriage vows. You have to in order to get married. If it isn't working, that's what divorce is for.

 

You only get one shot at life. Live it to make yourself happy.

 

You take marriage vows to be happy, BUT you take marriage vows to make someone else happy.

 

Marriage is about commitment. It is not about love. Or rather, love is a commitment not a feeling.

 

You do only get one shot at life, but often what we think is making us happy is not. And making others happy may actually make us happier than if we simply think less selfishly of ourselves.

 

Your post implies a truth though.

 

If you cannot honor the marriage vows, then one shouldn't take them. You are right. You have to make them if you want to get married. You do need to make a commitment. But if your word is only as good as your current feelings of happiness, then it means nothing.

 

Spots, you do have tough life now. Many men would find it as difficult as you (and I don't exclude myself). None of us think of your situation when we make marriage vows. Very few of us think the worst will happen. But it may, and for you, this is close.

 

Perhaps if you can get help and your attitude becomes better (less anger and frustration with more enjoyment of her), then your marriage will be happier despite the situation. Then perhaps this woman will fade in your memory as so wonderful, because you may regain some of that love you had for your wife.

 

Don't give up.