When is a date not a date?

[SolG]

Recently had a DDay - BS found texts on MM's phone. He convinced her that it was a short term EA only (not the three year full blown affair that it has really been). BS told MM not to contact me anymore - he agreed, but of course didn't comply. I was overseas at the time (which meant I wasn't around for the actual Dday storm nor immediate aftermath) - he emailed me ASAP, and we have subsequently continued largely as before. We still talk multiple times every day, spend at least one night a week and about one whole week per month together. But there are some differences.

 

He spends more time on the phone with her when we are together. No more texts for us (this is no biggy given ease of email on smartphones). But to me he seems to be making more effort with his BS. He denies this, and says that he is still on track to end his marriage on it's own merits (as explained in my previous posts) and to make sure that he and I are not the cause of the end of that relationship (and yes there is a timeline now). That he is apparently still just gently extricating himself and trying to make things as amicable as possible - he's being 'kind'.

 

It came to a bit of a head a couple of days ago. He told me that he took his BS to the movies the night before. I said that getting a babysitter and taking her on a date seemed a funny way to be working towards extrication. He insists it wasn't a 'date' - he just wanted to avoid the awkwardness at home. He insists that while he wasn't cold, it couldn't have been misconstrued as romantic either. I'm not so sure...

 

I think if I were a BS with a pretty recent Dday and my WH spontaneously took me to the movies that I would see it as a positive thing. That he was trying to reconnect. I think that this kind of thing, and ongoing attentiveness, would make it more difficult and perplexing when he then continues to insist that he's 'not in love with me'. I'm failing to see the kindness :-/

 

In fact what I see is continued cruelty to the BS and me as the OW. He seems to be committed to this path that will somehow miraculously see him emerging as a good guy. All I see is at least one, but most probably both of us, being hurt even more :-(

 

So BSs and OW/M out there in Loveshack land, what do you think? Thoughts?

[underwater2010]

I think you are crazy to think his looking for an out, yet taking his wife out on dates after Dday. He is playing you BOTH!!

 

If she has now found out and he has not left....what are you hoping to gain? He had his out and has not taken....not good.

[simplicity1]

sounds to me like he just hasn't made up his mind, so he's keeping both of you warm so as not to make times with her or with you uncomfortable.

[Spark1111]

Seems like typical MM cake-eating bs behavior....

 

I have lived it.

 

He is stringing you along with all these lies and placating her....She is the one he wants, YOU meant nothing, he would NEVER jeopardize his marriage and love for her with his stupid transgression with you....blah, blah, blah.

 

He wants it ALL to go back to the way it was before DDAY; Loving wife and family and devoted OW on the side.

 

AND HE WILL say and do anything to get it back to that place.

 

really conflicted, as well you should be?

 

Give her a phone call.....

[whichwayisup]

He had the opportunity to come clean and admit the 3 year affair. Instead he minimized it and made it seem like it was no big deal. So, he gets to stay married and keep you on the side.

 

The thing is, he's still LYING to his wife and he's also playing you as well. He may love you and his wife but he loves himself more because he's selfish man who will continue to have two women to meet his needs as long as you both let him. He is pretending the A is over with you to his wife and he's pretending to 'end his marriage but needs time' to you.

 

His actions just show that he is a cake eater and things are going to get worse before they get better...Meaning, probably another dday.

[BetrayedH]

I have to agree with the others.

 

Dday is the perfect time to just get all the cards on the table and start divorce proceedings. Instead, he preserved his home life.

 

You're right to say that "dating" his wife is reconnecting with her. That's not moving towards divorce and even if he is divorcing, he's not doing her any favors by wasting more of her time that could be spent with someone that loves her.

 

This forum is full of guys like this that just simply lack any courage. They are COWARDS. He'll say anything (make up any timeline you like) as long as he can continue playing damage control at home.

[GypsumSatellite]

It's a date. Lay it down to him that you won't be putting up with him courting his W while courting you. All or nothing, pal. He cheated for a reason, and if that reason wasn't strong enough to leave for he needs to go back home and stop messing you about.

 

"Oh, but we never do anything together" What do you call that, Mr. My M Is Dead? "But it wasn't a date!" If that's not a date, is sex really sex? I thought only Bill Clinton was the master of redefining words, but I guess all MM are!

 

The beautiful thing is you don't have to put up with it. His W can stay all day long but you don't have to. He can't make his mind up? Make it up for him! Why miss out on a guy who has his full attention on you? You don't need him maintaining the status quo at home on your time!

 

Tell him: I will not sit there with you while you text your W. I will not listen to stories about you having dates with your W. I will not accept you pretending to reconcile and then pretending to keep me company. I can and will do better than this. I don't need your half-time romance.

 

And stick to that. Don't budge. If you budge then you're showing him you don't mean what you say.

 

Also, 3 years. He swept it all into a minimized short term EA only and it's been 3 years of get togethers? Oh hell no. This man might as well kiss you goodbye, because you don't deserve being minimized like that. In fact, neither does his W. No woman in his life deserves that, at all.

Edited November 6, 2013 by GypsumSatellite

[cocorico]

He insists that while he wasn't cold, it couldn't have been misconstrued as romantic either.

 

SolG, his intent does not matter much at this point. Perhaps he's being honest that he did not intend it to be a date, but you've had a couple of BS on this thread stating that as BS it would be read as him making an effort to reconnect with his BS post DDay... And if that's how his BS is reading it, then that is what matters, way more than his intent.

 

I'm not a big believer in DDays miraculously solving anything - I think the mm goes into panic and "preserve the status quo" mode. If they were not ready to make a decision / act on it until that point, the BS's finding out does not magically make them any more ready. They're still exactly where they were - only now under greater pressure. Nothing is resolved, but now the stakes are higher - so in most cases what they try to do is bring the temperature down to where it was before, by appeasing. They just want the pressure off. They still cling to notions that their "plans" are on track, and few take the opportunities afforded by a discovery of the A to bring everything into the open and progress from there. Mostly, they still try to resolve it within the confines of their own minds.

 

I guess all you can do is decide what you're prepared to put up with, and review whether your needs are being adequately met with how things are now. If you're cool with it all, fair enough, but if you're not, say so, and if he can't meet your needs then you're free to move on. You're in charge of your own outcomes. You do not have to put up with anything you do not want to.

[SolG]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My apologies for not having got back to you sooner - so busy!

 

I agree with elements of what you have all said.

 

Thank you again.