Monodare1 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Hi I was wondering in anybody has gone through this at the 5 month mark. I find myself still angry and confused. I'm still raging that she ended it and yet while we were together, I wasn't happy. Am i angry at the end of the relationship or am I just suffering from hurt pride? I also find that I am short tempered with work colleagues and family and at the core of it all I feel really lonely, despite having moved back to my home town and having my friends around me. I feel deep regret that my marriage is over and deep rage at only seeing my son once a week, losing the house etc, yet I'm glad I don't live out there. I regret the wife and I breaking up yet when I see her or speak to her I want to be as far away from her as I can (impossible as we have our son together). What's going on in my head just now? Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Mono, can you go to therapy? If you have access, it works wonders. Also a divorce group in your area may help. It is normal and part of it. Supposedly the rage goes away, I just haven't found that part yet but its only 4 months for me lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 The pain does go away. Keep busy and when you do get your son plan crazy fun things to do. Things he will never forget. Focus on him and your relationship with him. Right now he needs you because he is suffering too. Go out and have fun with your friends. Go date. Nothing serious but just go have fun. Life is to short to do nothing. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 This is what I have said before. Some people would rather be in a relationship that is road kill rather than not being in one at all. Yeah I know all about not seeing your kid as much as you would like but fat lot of good that does when you in relationship that you want out of. In my case, I didn't have custody but I made sure that when the dust settled, I got to see my daughter as much as I wanted. So much in face that I geared my weekends where it was me and the kid and nothing was going to spoil it. I went through hell with my first wife with my oldest daughter because my EX used her as a weapon. If you get your kid every other weekend or every weekend or whatever the time limit is, get the most out of it. It's not so much quantity time. It's quality time that counts. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 What's going on in my head just now? You've still got one foot in the old life and, until you turn and face forward, you'll continue to be angry and frustrated. It's all about creating a new normal. If your living situation isn't ideal, celebrate what you can and look forward to a better day. If you only see your son once a week, avoid "divorced dad" activities and do fun, quirky things. Stay busy with with work, friends and physical activity. "Regret" involves looking at your life through her lens, think instead of what you want to be and how you're going to get there. Look at it this way - I like to travel. And yet, due to finances and work, my next big trip realistically is a year or two away. So I can either regret that fact or look forward through any number of activities - go to the bookstore and read travel books. Learn a foreign language. Watch TV shows about countries I'm interested in visiting. Join a travel group and discuss trips with friends. Which direction are you facing ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Mono, you need to seek a therapist's help right away. Is it normal to have a range of emotions? Yes. But this sounds unhealthy and out of the norm (but normal for someone who hasn't sought help with their emotions). Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 You need to fake till you make it. Instead of focusing on the negative, try to find one little positive thing and vocalize how awesome it is. You'll be surprised that soon you'll actually start to feel a tiny bit more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 If you only see your son once a week, avoid "divorced dad" activities and do fun, quirky things. Mr. Lucky: What would you define as "divorced dad" activities? For my own benefit I'm curious as to things that follow that. I'm terrible at activity planning so I'm starting to compile a list of things to do with my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Monodare, Imo you need Time to sort it out. It will come together for you. (Hopefully you will be able to arrange closer visits with your son, though. The beginning times of separation, are the worst.) Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Ok, i am no expert or a therapist and whether you need one is up to you but i think all these stages one is going through are there to live through and it is all normal. If you feel angry and bittter than you need it, if you breakdown and fall - than this is your way of dealing with it and when you are ready you will get up again. I totally share the feeling of being angry and short tempered, as well as deep regrets (boy, do we have lots of things to regret!!?? - dont get me started there or it will be a long reply:-) ) and being down. In my opinion it all belongs together as part of the divorce package. I read here that being angry you are just masking pain with anger - i have been thinking about it as well as digging deep inside me - yeah there is pain somewhere down there and yet i can pull it all out and lay down depressed but i simply can not afford it, i have too much responsobilities hanging on me including small children, job, coming exams, moving household abroad, dealing with rented property issues - seriously list is endless. My point here - if you are still angry maybe it is simpy the only thing that would work in current circumstances? When life conditons change so will your feelings Just hang in there - you re not alone going through misery:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 Guys, I love in Scotland just outside Glasgow, if I asked for a therapist they would offer me a Glasgow kiss (head butt). Seriously though, the unfortunate thing is I need to contact the ex for FaceTime purposes to speak to my son, it's there that the ex and I end up clashing, text arguing etc, it just fuels the fire I'm spitting out, but for my sons sake o can't stop contact, however limited. I'm just hugely p-ssed at the injustice of it all, she's got my son, the house, the car et. And I've got a futon and a filing cabinet. I'm angry that she dragged my sorry ass to another town far from my family and friends and I. Angry that I let her, that very fact set our marriage up for the dramatic fall that eventually came to pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 I have a maelstrom of emotions, I feel angry, rejected, scorned, excluded, sad, lonely and yet, I imagine she is happy with her decision and skipping joyfully out with her friends and into the arms of other men while I sit brooding over shattered hopes and dreams. Yet I'm aware that while I was with her, I yearned for my friends and social life which vanished the moment I agreed to move to her home town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 She said I wasn't blameless in the break up as I always seemed miserable, well I was miserable and exhausted as she left me to do the early mornings with our son 7 days a week, the bedtime routines 7 days a week, the household chores, she expected me to put up and shut up regards seeing my friends once every two months while she seen her friends twice weekly. I didn't mind doing the stuff for my son, but a bit of help or respite wouldn't have gone a miss. So the break up should be blessed release and yet I'm still gutted about it and wracked with guilt for having to leave my son. Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Yeah, i also have all these emotions and? I find it normal, ok i am not happy but i am not supposed to be happy after 12 years of marriage and going through a divorce, right? If she is jumping from one bed to another this is also hardly happiness, at least not in the long run Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Mr. Lucky: What would you define as "divorced dad" activities? For my own benefit I'm curious as to things that follow that. I'm terrible at activity planning so I'm starting to compile a list of things to do with my daughter. I'm certainly not the arbiter, but I tried to avoid the local McDonald's Playland, going to the movies every week, amusement parks, arcades, etc. We had more fun outdoors at the park, beach, camping, etc. If my time was limited, I didn't want to watch my son watch TV... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShannonBanana Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 Hi Monodare, It's your buddy Shannon. I'm in California now! I think I am only a month or so behind you in terms of the timeline, but I feel all those same things too... I am going through some crazy anger at so much of his bull**** that I feel like going to Paris, knocking on his door, kicking him in the crotch with steel toed boots and hopping on the next plane back. That said, I think it's completely normal for you to be going through this. I think you are going to have to ride this **** out. It sucks I know, but proactive things like keep working out at the gym...with punching bags, Talk it out with your mates (and counsellors are good too), hell maybe even write it all down. Something to express it. And then just let it ride.....it might be there for a while so you might want to offer to let it come inside for tea and scone. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 11, 2013 Share Posted November 11, 2013 You've still got one foot in the old life and, until you turn and face forward, you'll continue to be angry and frustrated. It's all about creating a new normal. If your living situation isn't ideal, celebrate what you can and look forward to a better day. If you only see your son once a week, avoid "divorced dad" activities and do fun, quirky things. Stay busy with with work, friends and physical activity. "Regret" involves looking at your life through her lens, think instead of what you want to be and how you're going to get there. Look at it this way - I like to travel. And yet, due to finances and work, my next big trip realistically is a year or two away. So I can either regret that fact or look forward through any number of activities - go to the bookstore and read travel books. Learn a foreign language. Watch TV shows about countries I'm interested in visiting. Join a travel group and discuss trips with friends. Which direction are you facing ??? Mr. Lucky This is 100% correct, unfortunately 'for me anyway' it takes that turning point to see this... it does come. In time you will begin to focus on moving forward, when you do the anger will reduce and you begin to let go. minimal contact on every level, the ex, family, joint friends...every negative contact/comment just drags you back. Draw a line in the sand and move forward for 'you' time. anger, bitterness eats away at you and drains all your energy...energy that should be getting used for you and when you see your son... Work with what you have got and aim to build and improve, look at the smallest positives and no longer at the negatives SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Share Posted November 11, 2013 Hi Shannon Hope all is well in sunny California! I'm guessing my anger is stemming from how slow this process is taking, the ex is really dragging her heels with getting me off the mortgage and I can't save for a private let/new mortgage as Christmas is coming up. Plus I can't get a new mortgage until my names off the old one. Just feeling really stuck. Plus the ex is doing herself up, dyeing her hair etc which suggests she is moving on, while I feel stick in a rut and can't afford to date again Christmas is coming up and I need to prioritise for my little ones sake. Link to post Share on other sites
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