In love with best friend for three years

[bubbly90]

I know this is ridiculous and long, but please bear with me.

 

I met this guy four years ago, when he was 18 and I was 20 years old. We had instant chemistry, with constant, playful bickering and tons of physical contact (mostly playful wrestling and fighting). I'm a really introverted person and I was amazed at how quickly I was able to talk to him and joke with him about everything. After a few months of this routine I fell so hard for him that I just couldn't help but tell him. He said that even though there was definitively something special between us, he didn't feel the same.

 

However, we were flatmates, so we actually continued developing our friendship from there, passing more and more time with each other – and I mean we spent literally days with each other. Of course, this led me to feel even more strongly for him; I told him, but once again nothing happened except I nearly ended our relationship. A few months later he was forced to leave for another city. After a bunch of drama everything stabilized, and we managed to visit each other every now and then, while texting and chatting daily over Facebook. This year we even went on a vacation together with three other people. No more than a week ever passed without hearing from one another, I think.

 

During the last two years I have wondered about what ifs, sometimes, usually when we actually met in person. I managed to brush these thoughts off, but I always knew I was kind of lazily lying to myself when I told myself and other people I was over him. Which brings us to today.

 

Over a week ago I went off to visit him and ended up staying until yesterday, and of course everything went as usual. There was teasing, wrestling, hugging, cuddling, talking about deep stuff and life, staying close to each other and staring at each other in the eye a lot, and a healthy addition: dirty talking. I couldn't explain how we got there, but once we even pretended I was raping him (…) and he dared me to undo his belt. Which I did.

 

Nothing really happened in the end, of course, because I knew it was all but a game and his little brother was in the other room. But I started thinking, again. I just don't get him, and this is what really upsets me, because we seem to know what's going on in each other's heads most of the time – even when we don't actually get to see each other. I just can't seem to accept that what I feel he's feeling doesn't match what he says he's feeling. He never even dated or liked anyone since we met, even though he's smart, extroverted, good looking and funny… if he did maybe things could be different, but.

 

I know for a fact that he looks at me the way I look at him, which is smiling, waiting for an excuse to tease, and I know for a fact that our connection and chemistry are apparent, because people commented on these things. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking, but I feel like he wouldn't mind something more, if that something didn't come with complications and commitments he's not ready to deal with. He says I'm like a sister to him, but I'm pretty sure this is not what siblings or even friends usually do, so I think I'm partially justified in my confusion (or delusion, if you prefer).

 

Another thing I just don't get is how is it even possible that I didn't move on yet. We had some serious fights along the way and sometimes he hurt me without even realizing it, and this year we saw each other only four times. It's not like he's this perfect person in my eyes anymore. Years have passed and we have our separate lives now, so why doesn't the "passion" fade away? Should I just give up on him as a friend, too? How am I even supposed to consider other guys when we still have all these sparks after so much time and without even trying? Sometimes I even tried to fight it and be "normal" with him, but to no avail, even because he likes far too much what we have.

 

It doesn't help that I'm in a weird place right now. I'm almost done with college and I'm not sure what to do with my life, but I was thinking of studying and working abroad for at least a year. I feel anxious and uncertain about my future, and dating people right now or even thinking about romantic relationships seems pointless and too much of a stress. But maybe it's just an excuse because I can't bring myself to forget him.

 

I was thinking that maybe, after I'm done with college and I can focus on my personal life, I could tell him that I still have feelings for him and that I'd like to stop all contacts until I'm completely over him. I just can't think of completely removing him from my life… Do I even have a choice? Could things ever change without dramatically ruining everything? It's not like I'm in pain right now; I just feel stuck and stupid, and not for the first time.

[Mr. Lizard]

Girl, from what I can tell you are simply in love with this guy. Or, you are suffering from limerance which is sort of an obsession type of thing but not really love. That's the only explanation for carrying on with these feelings. It's also why you are having trouble getting it on with other guys. If you do that you'll feel like you are cheating on your true love or something like that. Plus, you won't be able to fully comitt to someone else isn't fair to that person.

 

You are lovesick. It should eventually pass. What would help a lot is for another great guy to come into your life and sweep you off your feet. That'll make you forget your other guy fast.

 

Best of luck, it's not easy.... We all get that!

[jagon]

I feel for you, I've been in a similar position before, and I was MADLY obsessed with the girl.. she led me on, and despite my grave concerns for the future we carried on. Long story short = worst ending ever. It was absolutely soul destroying because she treated me badly (after being sooo nice) and then left for the other end of the country.

 

Wish I never met her. That bad.

 

PLEASE GO TRAVELLING!!! I was so depressed/suicidal/over ****ing everything that I decided to leave my country at 17 on my own and travel. With very little money and no clue about things.

 

BEST TIME OF MY WHOLE LIFE :D

 

Please please please please just get out of your situation - he's not going to change quickly - maybe some time far apart will give you what YOU need and want and desire, and then maybe when you come back things would be different, and even if they aren't I would put a bet on you being happier and wiser anyway about the whole thing.

 

Take care kiddo!