Constant need for validation of decisions and s?

[SerCay]

There's this habit or trait of me, I would love to shake off...

 

When it comes to situations where I have an opinion of something, I need validation of somebody I care for.. for example my mom or my boyfriend my aunt etc..

 

It's like I cant validate my own decisions!

 

To give you an example, here's something that's going on atm:

 

A friend of mine is having a babyshower and at first she asked me to organise it together with her sister. I didn't do it, the reason will be down the line. Her sister organised it, I was invited. Later this friend of mine contacted me again and said, I know you're busy with uni, but I hope you'll be there!

 

Of course I'll be there! I said, it's your first babyshower and we've been friends for 10 years now!

 

But now school gets EXTREMELY busy...I am sitting indoors after class, day in day out studying, to keep up. I still want to go.

 

Then there's this: a couple of times we were supposed to meet, but she's always too busy. With the last being tomorrow, she promised to let me know last week if she's be able to meet me tomorrow, but I haven't heard from her until this moment. Meanwhile I kept my day free for nothing.

 

This happens a lot..

 

See here's my dilemma then:

 

She s my dear friend and its her first babyshower, I've been with her for so many ocassions, and we ve been friend for so long, I cant miss it!

 

Then there's the part of: she doesnt ever really pay attention to me, and due to her busy schedule (or as I see it not thinking of making time for a particular friend) we never really meet or talk. She still calls me her special friend though and wanted me to organise the shower...

 

I cant help but seeing her as an acquaintence now, hardly ever see her, talk to her, and she doesnt ever really try to make time to see me either..

 

So I dont really feel it..and I dont want to go ( I also know I wont really enjoy the party anyway), then on the other hand, I dont want to lose her friendship or something? as if theres any left lol

 

Normally I would go out and seek validation from, lets say, my mom for this kind of situation. But I want to start doing it on my own, come one im kind of ashamed, im a grown woman! I dont want constant validation from others for my own decisions or feelngs!

 

Do you recognise this kind of behaviour? Has any of you had the same?

Ive been like this since I was a child and it needs to stop.

 

Good to know is maybe that I have also been co-dependent and I kind of struggly with social anxiety..

 

Thanks!

 

(the and s in the title doesnt make sense, by mistake. Also sorry for all the typo's..was kind of upset I wrote it so quickly and did't check for misspellings)

Edited November 5, 2013 by SerCay

[smuggy95]

I'm also this way. I seek decision making through committees. I have a lot of good friends, but at a certain point i realize they don't know everything and some people have agendas...it's was a wrench in my last relationship. Not that the relationship was perfect but it didn't help that I went to them with so many issues and yes...some had their own biases/plans.

 

ANyways, what's a better way to learn then by making mistakes? We have to learn to be ok to make mistakes with our decisions- that way we learn and know next time and in the end, when there is no one around, we will be OK.

[smuggy95]

also, what is co-dependency? I think I might have it but i'm not clear what it is

[SerCay]

also, what is co-dependency? I think I might have it but i'm not clear what it is

 

Co-dependency is basically that you depend on another person to dedpend on you. For example, if you're the wife of an alcoholic, and your husband doesnt go to rehab and is not willing to do so, a co-dependent wil keep believing he will do so, and by lack of personal boundaries, will never set an ultimatum..:

 

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

 

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

An extreme need for approval and recognition

A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

A compelling need to control others

Lack of trust in self and/or others

Fear of being abandoned or alone

Difficulty identifying feelings

Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

Problems with intimacy/boundaries

Chronic anger

Lying/dishonesty

Poor communications

Difficulty making decisions

 

From this link: Co-dependency: Mental Health America

[jphcbpa]

I too have some of those traits and have been working on them via alanon, therapy, slaa ect. The past 18 months have been a very growing experience and I have learned a great deal with about myself even at 41.

[SerCay]

I too have some of those traits and have been working on them via alanon, therapy, slaa ect. The past 18 months have been a very growing experience and I have learned a great deal with about myself even at 41.

 

yes it is a very growing experience...as codependents we're used to our behaviour and we think its normal....until it starts to itch, like something is not right here...why is everyhting more difficult for me than it is for others?

 

I was 25 when I started looking into myself and my past and went to therapy..I have to be honest though, the therapist didnt help me much, with codependency, it's you yourself that has to do the work!

 

Good for us we found out about this, there are people that live a lifetime like this..

 

 

BUT it is a very long process, and it needs constant up-keeping. Otherwise you slip right into old patterns without even noticing it...

And yeah sometimes there are still hurdles for me, like the one above, and then I just try to ask people that dont know me in person for advice..

Edited November 6, 2013 by SerCay

[jphcbpa]

BUT it is a very long process, and it needs constant up-keeping. Otherwise you slip right into old patterns without even noticing it...

 

Agree, being sober for 10 years was a walk in the park compared to this.

[kenneth1010]

" The inner self is the true self. In order to realize our true self we must be willing to live without being dependent upon the opinion of others. "

 

Lao Tzu: Chinese philosopher, 550 BC.

 

Discovered this quote whilst reading about the great man Bruce Lee.

 

Not easy to put into practice but;

 

" Without frustration you will not discover that you might be able to do something on your own. We grow through conflict "

 

Bruce Lee.

[SerCay]

Agree, being sober for 10 years was a walk in the park compared to this.

 

are you for serious?

[smuggy95]

so i am going to a therapist, but you said it's something we have to do for ourselves. What stepsare needed?

[SerCay]

so i am going to a therapist, but you said it's something we have to do for ourselves. What stepsare needed?

 

Codependency is something that needs constant construction..

It's like keeping an eye on yourself. The moment you let it go, you fall back into your old habits of codependency..That's what we need to do ourselves. Your T can't be with you everywhere or all the time.

[Babolat]

Co-dependency is basically that you depend on another person to dedpend on you. For example, if you're the wife of an alcoholic, and your husband doesnt go to rehab and is not willing to do so, a co-dependent wil keep believing he will do so, and by lack of personal boundaries, will never set an ultimatum..:

 

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

 

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

An extreme need for approval and recognition

A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

A compelling need to control others

Lack of trust in self and/or others

Fear of being abandoned or alone

Difficulty identifying feelings

Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

Problems with intimacy/boundaries

Chronic anger

Lying/dishonesty

Poor communications

Difficulty making decisions

 

From this link: Co-dependency: Mental Health America

 

Also read Codependency No More, and excellent read on the subject.

[Babolat]

There's this habit or trait of me, I would love to shake off...

 

When it comes to situations where I have an opinion of something, I need validation of somebody I care for.. for example my mom or my boyfriend my aunt etc..

 

It's like I cant validate my own decisions!

 

To give you an example, here's something that's going on atm:

 

A friend of mine is having a babyshower and at first she asked me to organise it together with her sister. I didn't do it, the reason will be down the line. Her sister organised it, I was invited. Later this friend of mine contacted me again and said, I know you're busy with uni, but I hope you'll be there!

 

Of course I'll be there! I said, it's your first babyshower and we've been friends for 10 years now!

 

But now school gets EXTREMELY busy...I am sitting indoors after class, day in day out studying, to keep up. I still want to go.

 

Then there's this: a couple of times we were supposed to meet, but she's always too busy. With the last being tomorrow, she promised to let me know last week if she's be able to meet me tomorrow, but I haven't heard from her until this moment. Meanwhile I kept my day free for nothing.

 

This happens a lot..

 

See here's my dilemma then:

 

She s my dear friend and its her first babyshower, I've been with her for so many ocassions, and we ve been friend for so long, I cant miss it!

 

Then there's the part of: she doesnt ever really pay attention to me, and due to her busy schedule (or as I see it not thinking of making time for a particular friend) we never really meet or talk. She still calls me her special friend though and wanted me to organise the shower...

 

I cant help but seeing her as an acquaintence now, hardly ever see her, talk to her, and she doesnt ever really try to make time to see me either..

 

So I dont really feel it..and I dont want to go ( I also know I wont really enjoy the party anyway), then on the other hand, I dont want to lose her friendship or something? as if theres any left lol

 

Normally I would go out and seek validation from, lets say, my mom for this kind of situation. But I want to start doing it on my own, come one im kind of ashamed, im a grown woman! I dont want constant validation from others for my own decisions or feelngs!

 

Do you recognise this kind of behaviour? Has any of you had the same?

Ive been like this since I was a child and it needs to stop.

 

Good to know is maybe that I have also been co-dependent and I kind of struggly with social anxiety..

 

Thanks!

 

(the and s in the title doesnt make sense, by mistake. Also sorry for all the typo's..was kind of upset I wrote it so quickly and did't check for misspellings)

 

I exhibit some of these behaviors, some may call it "opinion shopping". And, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to seek other's opinions, but, use it as information gathering, then make your own.

 

I am now also working hard on being available for my friends, when they need me. It's easy for me to close up, be alone, stay home, when I get the "lets mett up" call/text/email from a buddy. I have learned, it's important for me to listen, go, be there. I have alos learned it's OK to say No, when, I really don't want to.