keep the door close, or open it a crack

[Beth]

The last time I posted I questioned about reasonable time to call back...well, I ended up calling him and found out he actually tried to call. I asked him if he could help me with some stuff in my apartment and he said he was busy for the next few days but we'd figure something out. I called him the next week and asked if again, and he was evasive about the whole thing. I finally e-mailed him and asked him what was up, and he told me that he just couldn't provide me with what I needed. That he had started seeing someone and didn't feel comfortable spending time with me. That he still wanted to be friends, but couldn't spend time with me. He said it was nothing against me.

 

So I called him, asking for the money he owed me and asked he what the heck was going on. He told me it had a lot to do with a blow out we had back in December and he met this other girl. He is soo scared to death of a commitment with anyone it's ridiculous. He said he doesn't feel comfortable spending time with me because I want more and he can't give it to me.

 

I don't get why he all of a sudden starting talking, not dating, this other girl, and why he's so afraid to spend time with me. We've know each other long distance for almost a year.

 

I pretty much ripped him to shreds when I last spoke to him and told him I never wanted to talk to him again, that he hurt me, deceived me, and single-handedly ruined our friendship. He sent me a check for the money he owed me the same day.

 

I'm just wondering if I did the right thing in closing the door, or if I shouldn't have.

 

He's 23, does that have anything to do with it?

[Tony T]

Well, he wrote you and told you he couldn't give you what you wanted and he didn't feel comfortable spending any time with you. He didn't want to come and help you with the stuff in your apartment. He told you that he feels you want more from him than he can give to you. He has basically told you he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. He has also expressed that he is scared to death of committment.

 

I may not rip a person like this to shreds, but I'd surely feel very comfortable telling this person I didn't want to talk to them or see them again. I'd be doing them a favor and myself and even bigger favor. You did the right thing.

 

Why would you even take the time to mess with a guy like this in the first place. He sounds pretty nutty.

 

His age, 23 or 103, has absolutely nothing to do with it. And neither does your age, whatever it is.

[Deejette]

You might have to give up on this guy. Even kiss the money he owes you goodbye. He is just not good relationship material. He has clearly described himself to you as not available for what you need. Believe him. He is not ready. Lashing into him will only scare him further away.

Well, he wrote you and told you he couldn't give you what you wanted and he didn't feel comfortable spending any time with you. He didn't want to come and help you with the stuff in your apartment. He told you that he feels you want more from him than he can give to you. He has basically told you he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. He has also expressed that he is scared to death of committment. I may not rip a person like this to shreds, but I'd surely feel very comfortable telling this person I didn't want to talk to them or see them again. I'd be doing them a favor and myself and even bigger favor. You did the right thing. Why would you even take the time to mess with a guy like this in the first place. He sounds pretty nutty. His age, 23 or 103, has absolutely nothing to do with it. And neither does your age, whatever it is.

[Beth]

I did get the money the next day. But I don't know if I should let 9 months of friendship go down the drain. I just wonder if he'll call although I told him I never wanted to talk to him again. I've been thinking that major space is what we need. I need him to realize that we need to be friends first and then see what happens. I don't want him assuming that's all I want.

 

You might have to give up on this guy. Even kiss the money he owes you goodbye. He is just not good relationship material. He has clearly described himself to you as not available for what you need. Believe him. He is not ready. Lashing into him will only scare him further away.

[David]

No offense, but it sounds to me like he has put the kabbash on you, and not vice versa. You seem to be in some stage of denial about the whole thing. He closed the door, not you.

 

Maybe this guy is a little nutty, I don know, some people say that about me. Although as a fairly young man, I totally empathize with him. Committment is a difficult thing, and I respect him for being honest with you. A lot of people ACT committed, but they later replace their significant other with the blink of an eye. Others, who shy away from committment, are much better at actually being loyal, hence their hesitation. I heard a quote one time, " He who takes longest to make a promise is most faithful in its performance"

 

Sorry if I bore you.

 

Now if you really want to leave the door slightly open, ya gotta get back into the game thing. I realize your friends with this guy, but he'll want you and your friendship more if you are, or at least seem, less clingly. Ya got drop him now. I know its hard, I been there, but ya just got to. There's no other way.