Sometimes it all works out :)

[Cali408]

Just to clarify, from what Lil has posted before, MM was kicked out by his BS. BS initiated the divorce, and by the speed at which everything is moving along BS is absolutely not messing around with handling her **** and ending the M and had likely been planning it out, but then pulled the trigger in the early morning hours and sent MM packing. So ya, lilgirl got her man!

 

Did I miss anything Lil? I don't always catch all the threads so I apologize if I missed something or got something wrong.

 

Lil seems very happy to be getting her man, even if it is by default. I hope everything works out, especially for the children's sake. I am sure Lil will appreciate an authentic relationship.

 

Is Lil's AP's BS Peaks and Valleys?

 

Congrats dear, i hope it works out for everyone.

[goodyblue]

He's getting his divorce underway, rather quickly, so are you? Still haven't answered that, I'm very interested to know what steps YOU are taking in regards to your own marriage. Anyways, I would be careful and cautious until you are divorced yourself since your (almost ex) husband became abusive when he found out about you and (x?)MM.

 

Ī have seen you ask this of Lil over and over. Really, she has not responded yet, so you can assume she will keep that private and stop asking. I am not sure why this grates on you so much but in an open forum people are allowed to share what they like, and only that.

[LilGirlandOW]

His and her (mm & BS) seperation was sudden yes, but they get along better than ever, and she also has been very helpful in his move, got him a nice house warming gift all the while their D is moving full speed ahead.

 

My Dis now in the works, yes.

 

He and I (mm & me) do not live together, but spend a lot of days and nights together at his new place, when neither of us have the kids.

 

It's strange because yes, the BS initiated their D, but he (mm) did not try to "win" her back. It may be assumed that I got him by default but I've always had him (romantically wise) and as it may seem odd to outsiders, I'm happy that he didn't leave his M for me, his M ended and I gave him an out to have some independence and focus on himself and he made it clear how he felt about our R and that he hopes we can continue our R.

 

The BS has been a-typical for her and I won't mention it to him, but I really have a strong feeling that prior to telling him she wants out that she herself started a new R... Her odd meeting hours and strange disappearances sound a lot like how I was at the beginning of our A...

[sweet_pea]

Ī have seen you ask this of Lil over and over. Really, she has not responded yet, so you can assume she will keep that private and stop asking. I am not sure why this grates on you so much but in an open forum people are allowed to share what they like, and only that.

 

Don't worry bout me and what I ask over and over. If she doesn't want to answer it, which doesn't seem to be the case, she can tell me so #buhbye

 

I just think it's an important question to ask considering she was/is still married too. But yeah, Red Wolverine pretty much covered it.

 

Thanks for answering, Lil! Glad to see you all are finally taking the steps to be together the right way. Hope it all works out for everyone involved!

Edited November 6, 2013 by sweet_pea

[underwater2010]

Don't worry bout me and what I ask over and over. If she doesn't want to answer it, which doesn't seem to be the case, she can tell me so #buhbye

 

I just think it's an important question to ask considering she was/is still married too. But yeah, Red Wolverine pretty much covered it.

 

Thanks for answering, Lil! Glad to see you all are finally taking the steps to be together the right way. Hope it all works out for everyone involved!

she is getting divorced.

[Summer Breeze]

Lil I'm so happy for you. I'm a year into my new and improved R with DMM and I am very, very happy.

 

A few bits of advice from someone who was there recently.

 

There were a million issues we had that needed to be sorted out. Some together and some separately. Make sure you support each other through it and let it help you create your fresh start together.

 

Don't remain in the role of the OW. Be bold and claim your place in his life and if it's not right to make all changes now, know what you're working towards and give deadlines that you are both serious about.

 

Date. DMM and I went out on dates almost every day for 6 months. Coffee, walks, lunch, dinner and theatre. Date. Indulge each other and cherish the time you have together, just like any other R.

 

Talk. I have learned that for such a talkative person I said very little about myself in any depth. I see in past Rs how that's hurt both me and the people in those Rs--my D, stepkids, exH, sister, you name it.

 

Enjoy what you have. That one goes without saying hopefully!

 

Don't be afraid to fail. I remember about 2 months into our R we got into a rip roaring fight and I slammed the door on my way out. When I was out I was shocked and terrified. What did I do? He left for me, which he didn't, and I all but ended it. I felt a huge burden to go and make up because of all he'd done to be with me. I've learned, bull to that. I made my choices and he made his. I wasn't responsible for carrying the R any more than he was. That was something we needed to share and to acknowledge that we may fail. Not many Rs end up in M and some don't even get close. We needed to accept we may just not have the end of the story we hoped for.

 

So many other things too Lil. I wish you luck and I hope you guys put in the real, hard work that will be the basis of your R going forward.

[MissBee]

Lil I'm so happy for you. I'm a year into my new and improved R with DMM and I am very, very happy.

 

A few bits of advice from someone who was there recently.

 

There were a million issues we had that needed to be sorted out. Some together and some separately. Make sure you support each other through it and let it help you create your fresh start together.

 

Don't remain in the role of the OW. Be bold and claim your place in his life and if it's not right to make all changes now, know what you're working towards and give deadlines that you are both serious about.

 

Date. DMM and I went out on dates almost every day for 6 months. Coffee, walks, lunch, dinner and theatre. Date. Indulge each other and cherish the time you have together, just like any other R.

 

Talk. I have learned that for such a talkative person I said very little about myself in any depth. I see in past Rs how that's hurt both me and the people in those Rs--my D, stepkids, exH, sister, you name it.

 

Enjoy what you have. That one goes without saying hopefully!

 

Don't be afraid to fail. I remember about 2 months into our R we got into a rip roaring fight and I slammed the door on my way out. When I was out I was shocked and terrified. What did I do? He left for me, which he didn't, and I all but ended it. I felt a huge burden to go and make up because of all he'd done to be with me. I've learned, bull to that. I made my choices and he made his. I wasn't responsible for carrying the R any more than he was. That was something we needed to share and to acknowledge that we may fail. Not many Rs end up in M and some don't even get close. We needed to accept we may just not have the end of the story we hoped for.

 

So many other things too Lil. I wish you luck and I hope you guys put in the real, hard work that will be the basis of your R going forward.

 

I think this is a great post, and good, solid and realistic advice which refreshingly doesn't hinge on calling others bitter in order to give your two cents.

 

No matter how people spin it, starting off a R as an affair brings lots of challenges, heck, even when you're dating a newly divorced person you didn't have an affair with, it brings real challenges. I think it's wise to be mindful of those potential hurdles and think about how to go forward and I also think your point about not being afraid to fail is invaluable! I do think there can be a tendency to want to prove people wrong so people rush into making the A turned open something people can see as serious or try to stick it out and make it work even if once open the couple realizes it isn't working...which helps no one.

 

Your advice is also good in general for all Rs.

 

Take heed Lil! I would also add couple's counseling. Reason being is that you were with an abusive man for a long time and then seemed to go from him to MM. Not at all raining on your parade, but honestly, a lot of what you've said about MM makes me believe you may be trading in one type of bad R for another, which is common among women who have been through that and haven't taken the time to work it out. They may "improve" in some ways but the new person is still some odd variation of the first. So my additional advice would be that for your own sake, take care of yourself and really work through these things, and get someone who is a professional and who has experience to talk to you two or to you only, to make sure that how you're choosing this man, why, and how you work together is in fact something healthy and not another bad situation which will come to light later on. Good luck!

[Got it]

I wanted to concur with Summer Breeze and Miss Bee as well. I highly recommend "Surviving My Boyfriend's Divorce". Since you are divorcing as well, both of you are going to go through thoughts, emotions, feelings, regrets that are about the ending of your marriages. This is normal and expected. Allow space to grieve the relationship and I don't agree with some of the posts here and really advise slowing down and DON'T move in any time soon.

 

He needs to work/develop his relationship with his kids as just him and them. They are used to him being part of the parental unit so this is a new relationship for them. Give that time. You guys can be together but keep things separate. You really will never regret going to slow but you can easily regret going to fast.

 

Enjoy today. Don't live in tomorrow. Be in the present. Wrap up your end of things. Breath. Do couple's counseling and then family counseling.

 

You guys are moving but it isn't anywhere close to the finish line so don't count your chickens before they hatch. Like SB said, just date. Enjoy it.

[Goodbye]

she is getting divorced.

 

 

Her divorce is "under way." Notice no one ever says "Yes, I filed for divorce." I've become keenly aware of this fine differentiation after my experience with the slick exMM.

[whichwayisup]

I wanted to concur with Summer Breeze and Miss Bee as well. I highly recommend "Surviving My Boyfriend's Divorce". Since you are divorcing as well, both of you are going to go through thoughts, emotions, feelings, regrets that are about the ending of your marriages. This is normal and expected. Allow space to grieve the relationship and I don't agree with some of the posts here and really advise slowing down and DON'T move in any time soon.

 

He needs to work/develop his relationship with his kids as just him and them. They are used to him being part of the parental unit so this is a new relationship for them. Give that time. You guys can be together but keep things separate. You really will never regret going to slow but you can easily regret going to fast.

Enjoy today. Don't live in tomorrow. Be in the present. Wrap up your end of things. Breath. Do couple's counseling and then family counseling.

 

You guys are moving but it isn't anywhere close to the finish line so don't count your chickens before they hatch. Like SB said, just date. Enjoy it.

 

Bolded part : Great advice!

 

Yup, date and get to know one another 'outside of the affair dynamic' because that affair dynamic has to die off..

[LilGirlandOW]

Thanks for all the great advice.

 

I agree with a lot of the advice.

 

To the BS above, every A is different, they were miserable long before I came into his life.

 

It is what it is

 

Maybe he won't be the one for me, I love him and want to be with him, but I'm not thinking move in or marraige at this point. We started as great friends before the A, I've been trying to stick to our roots and be that great friend I've always been to him

[Got it]

Bolded part : Great advice!

 

Yup, date and get to know one another 'outside of the affair dynamic' because that affair dynamic has to die off..

 

Ack!!! I didn't realize my grammatical errors though!!! All, it should be TOO not TO.

 

My deepest apologies.

[BetrayedH]

Lil, I wish you luck but I also hope that you take actions that you can be proud of.

Edited November 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Got it]

Well there we go, little Mary Sunshine!

 

Being tentative and breaking up are two different things. I think it is normal and healthy to be tentative. It shows a consciousness of outlying issues and a reasonable skepticism. I know that I has tentative because I didn't want to be blinded by emotion. There are ZERO guarantees that because someone leaves their marriage that the other relationship will work out and I don't feel that there should be. So who cares if she does break up with him? If he broke up his marriage solely for Lil and then she breaks up with him then he is more in the wrong. One shouldn't end a relationship solely for another person as there is no certainty that will work out. But that isn't just Lil's issue or responsibility.

 

Hopefully they are making the best decisions for their marriages and divorcing regardless of the other party. If not those issues will come home to roost.

 

I think those of us who have walked this path have all communicated that the title of this thread is a little too soon. I understand Lil's desire to communicate but there is still a long road before we get to the last chapter and Lil will learn that.

 

In reality, things are not anywhere close to showing they all worked out and instead are really just starting.

[William]

Looks like a threadjack on fictitious other people got started, with some discussion of avatars and pictures and other internet sites thrown in for good measure, so moderation did some cleanup and directs members to address this topic and thread starter and take discussions of pictures off our site as they aren't relevant to interpersonal relationships on this anonymous forum. Thanks!

[violet1]

Lil,

 

I've been following your posts and glad it's working out for you. I'm not a believer in, "once a cheater, always a cheater." I think if you and your guy (not sure what to call him now lol) are committed and have strong communication, you have just as strong of a chance making it as any other couple.

 

As far as comments go that you are moving too fast, only you two can decide that. I know of a couple who started out as an affair. They left their spouses for each other and moved in together within 6 months. It's been over 10 years and they're still together and claim to be soulmates. You never know what the future holds. There's absolutely NO guarantees when it comes to relationships. I wish you best! :-)

[GatsbyMH]

I'm glad this is working out for you. I have to say it's good to hear. My AP and I are in the home stretch of things. A few more months and she will be fully separating from her husband. Then some time single before we start "dating".

 

It's really tough right now for me since I'm single and she is still with her husband...sort of. Weird situation to explain. I just have to trust her and have faith in her.

[legalgirl]

Congrats!!! After the holidays I am hoping this is where I am headed as well, fingers crossed!