BetrayedH Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I strongly disagree with this advice. Not unless he asks for it. Do not do this unless he asks. If he is smart, he won't ask. You can't un-see something once you see it. Agreed. Some people need to know all of the details and some don't. Your H can be the judge. Well done, Clotilde. Keep staying honest and best of luck on rebuilding your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Good for you that you told him. That really is the first part of healing yourself and your marriage. He really sounds like a great guy. You should feel lucky to have someone that loves you that much. If he does ask for disclosure about things hide nothing from him. Be completely honest. I am not say go throw it all out on the table but the only way to really get back to you and him is to be completely honest to him. Does this make you vulnerable to be hurt. Sure it does . That is where he is at now and you need to meet him there and fix your marriage. I commend you on telling him. It was a really big step. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clotilde Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 I appreciate the ideas everyone. Some are not relevant to my situation- like the pictures. They were taken on my phone and have been long deleted. I did not save any pictures I received. The people I was sexting with did know I was married and I had asked them to be respectful about not messaging me randomly and they all complied. Most of them were buddies I had made on a forum and I feel like they were very respectful. When I told them that I was working things out with my husband and would not be in further contact they all were happy for me. For that reason I do not think they are just some random gross pigs that want to advertise my pics online. Obviously I could be wrong and do realize that someone we know or my husband myself could come across a nude pic of me online, but lets be honest- that is a scandal most people can recover from with a low level of shame and humiliation. I am prepared to deal with that at the time. My H knows that several men are in possession of nudes of me so he would understand the meaning of it if this discovery was made- even years down the road. He is much more concerned with repairing our relationship- and that is truly what is important here. These affairs were able to occur because of long standing confounding factors- ALL of which are out in the open and being addressed. I have addictive tendencies that is my first and foremost concern and my husband knows his part in this as well and is making appropriate changes. My heart aches for causing him pain and he knows this but has told me "not to beat myself up about it" <3 so I'm not. I'm taking action. He is satisfied with that and it's really all we can do. After his mini-cheating scandal years ago we grew together deeper and stronger and the same thing is happening now for us. We are a classic "opposites attract" couple and our path together has not been an easy one. But in times like these we rededicate ourselves to our commitment and forge ahead. Marriage takes a lot of work- it's cliche but so true- and that work can take many shapes and forms. I encourage anyone who has cheated or been cheated on to try to overcome the betrayal and find a deeper meaning and purpose because one is definitely there. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Well I can tell you this from my heart. I do not know how many of you can do it. How to trust again. I failed over a ten year marriage to trust my xW. It might have been what drove her to keep doing it. I will never know but I am at a point in time in my life if someone I love cheats then they are gone. No questions no discussion. Its not worth it. So for you people that can do that. I commend you and hope only the best for your relationships. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I am glad things are looking so good for you. I really do think that your reprieve comes from the fact that your husband did the same thing prior. You are lucky because regardless of prior actions, my husband would leave. As to the pics.....I have the ones MOW sent my husband. ALL OF THEM. I hope for your sake all of the men you sent them to where single. Because that is how I caught him and I save them incase she ever shows up again. It is not just old gross men that can post them all over the internet.....it is jaded and fed up wives that do it too. Just food for thought. As I tell my kids, don't do things that you don't want posted all over the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 It sounds like you dealt with this very well. You came clean and gave a full confession, BEFORE things went very far, and without being caught or prompted. Most people let things go a lot further before they either confess or are found out, but you didn't. You did the hard work, early on, without just taking the easy way out. That's a very firm basis for repairing the vulnerable points in your marriage. I wish the two of you the very best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clotilde Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 Well I can tell you this from my heart. I do not know how many of you can do it. How to trust again. I failed over a ten year marriage to trust my xW. It might have been what drove her to keep doing it. I will never know but I am at a point in time in my life if someone I love cheats then they are gone. No questions no discussion. Its not worth it. So for you people that can do that. I commend you and hope only the best for your relationships. Clay The way I forgave him before was to look at the situation and ask myself "What lesson is there in all of this"? The answer was that I was not valuing the relationship (in fact I was talking about ending it) and he was depressed about that. When his ex lover was unhappy in her marriage and went to see him at work it was a perfect storm for infidelity- they were both vulnerable. They both needed attention that their partners were not giving them. Once I discovered her messages and photos and thought about leaving him I knew for a fact that I did not want to live without him- so I viewed this threat as a strong message to myself to value him and work on bettering the relationship. In that way then I forgave TOW as well and actually felt a deep gratitude for the lessons learned- which I expressed to her as well. I think that caused a change of heart for her as well as I do believe she has settled down her cheating ways since then. Because that was our history we are able to look at this situation in the same way- with gratitude. It shows us very clearly where we have gone wrong, where we have been neglectful and lazy, where he have fallen short of being our very best. And it feels like crap for both of us. The remedy is to be better and do better and cherish and care for the things that really matter. There are deep lessons to be learned in all marital or relationship strife, if only the ego can move aside long enough to find them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 There are deep lessons to be learned in all marital or relationship strife, if only the ego can move aside long enough to find them. Just wanted to re-quote that very profound statement. Beautiful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clotilde Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) Asked all the guys to delete my photos and make sure they don't find their way online and they all understood and agreed (a couple were not online at the time so ill have to log back onto im tmrw to see what they said). Then I deleted each contact- which I had not done when I deleted the app before. So I feel pretty safe against being exposed online. One of the guys is a lawyer and told me in some states posting images of others is becoming illegal. Very interesting. Hubby and I texted a lot throughout the day and made a date for the weekend and shared loving exchanges so I know it's going to be ok. Edited November 6, 2013 by Clotilde 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 Good move, I hope they destroy the photos. Glad H is there. Be careful with photos in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Knucklehead1050 Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) I think you need to tell him everything. Let him read this post. All of it. Edited November 7, 2013 by Knucklehead1050 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 I still cannot understand until this very day how people get so emotionally involved via emails or texts or even get a rise out of sexting. If the live person is not in front of you and you have never met why want out of your marriage because of him? That is a big gamble and a dumb one if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 During a rough marital patch I had several sexting affairs with men I met online (online forums, craigslist). The first one was a friend from a forum that turned flirtatious and during a period of grief (3 deaths in the family in 1 month) he became a confidante, which led to flirting which led to emotionally involved sexting for a period of about two weeks. My husband was out of town for work most of that time. Even though this man and I live very far apart and there was no chance of meeting IRL he ended things because he felt guilty about messing around with a married woman. I was crushed by this rejection and that is when I started seeking out other men to replace him, none of which I became emotionally involved with but did exchange nudes and talked about sex with probably 5-7 different men from around the country. During this time I plotted how I might divorce though financially it was not possible. I started feeling guilty and gave a partial confession during an argument when I blurted out "I'm thinking about having an affair". My husband apologized for allowing our marriage to get to that point and vowed to show me that he could work on all the things I had ever brought up as issues. I did not tell him about the sexting but I did stop doing it, deleted contacts, removed myself from the forums I was on etc. that was a couple weeks ago and as my husband has done more and more work on the marriage (and so have I, I really want to stay together) my guilt has grown and grown to the point that I have fallen into a mini-depression. I am writing this here partially as a way to get it off my chest but also to find out how people have overcome the guilt. At this point I don't think telling him about it will help anything, I don't want to hurt him more I just want to work on the marriage and move on. My guilt is killing me though. What to do? It's a good thing you didn't actually physically cheat...How did your husband cheat on you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clotilde Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 I still cannot understand until this very day how people get so emotionally involved via emails or texts or even get a rise out of sexting. If the live person is not in front of you and you have never met why want out of your marriage because of him? That is a big gamble and a dumb one if you ask me. Oh no, I didn't want out of the marriage because if anyone I was sexting with. I was dissatisfied with my marriage and coupled with too much stress and grief I found comfort in attention from people that had something I felt I was missing. I was exploring whether or not I wanted out in a really inappropriate way. Ultimately I decided I didn't want out and stopped sexting. We started working through our problems. And once things started getting good again is when the guilt of what I had done hit me. I had a real connection with one person but that connection happened prior to any photos exchanged- after he ended things because of his own guilt I tried to replace him but did not connect the same with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clotilde Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 It's a good thing you didn't actually physically cheat...How did your husband cheat on you? I answered this already a couple times but similar- texting and photos but with an ex lover, someone we both know- actually the woman who set us up to meet. I was more betrayed by her than him possibly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clotilde Posted November 7, 2013 Author Share Posted November 7, 2013 I think you need to tell him everything. Let him read this post. All of it. I already told him everything I could think of as being important, then he asked some questions- which I answered- and made sure he knew he could ask me anything anytime. He seems pretty satisfied with the info he got from our FaceTime chat, he returned from his work trip last night and we had an enjoyable evening together and made love and did not discuss it further. This morning we delved a bit more into the underlying causes- chronic stress and grief- but he did not bring up the affairs again. He would not want to read this IMO- he is very private, does not believe in snooping. I view this as a journal of sorts that I can get feedback on. There is nothing here that I haven't already told him. I'm not going to volunteer more than I need- sometimes that is quite damaging. I'm open to talk, he knows a lot and knows he can ask me anything so I think we are good. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 Oh no, I didn't want out of the marriage because if anyone I was sexting with. I was dissatisfied with my marriage and coupled with too much stress and grief I found comfort in attention from people that had something I felt I was missing. I was exploring whether or not I wanted out in a really inappropriate way. Ultimately I decided I didn't want out and stopped sexting. We started working through our problems. And once things started getting good again is when the guilt of what I had done hit me. I had a real connection with one person but that connection happened prior to any photos exchanged- after he ended things because of his own guilt I tried to replace him but did not connect the same with anyone else. Clotilde, I'm so glad to hear that you and your husband have a greater understanding of the weaknesses of your marriage. I wish you both the best. You have a good perspective and way of expressing yourself. I hope you will consider sticking around and offering help to others here who need it, both betrayed spouses and wayward spouses, since you have been both. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytwowheels Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 Wow. Someone came here, asked advice AND TOOK IT. I'm in shock. Glad you are working on it together. Link to post Share on other sites
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