Wanting A Baby

[Cpl9183]

I joined this forum to get advise on what to do about my husband making excuses for why we can't have a baby. I will start from the beginning so that you know the whole story.

My husband has known from the beginning of our relationship that I have wanted a baby. At first he told me that he wanted to get married before we had any children so I waited and we finally got married this past May. I brought up the subject again a couple months later and he thought I tricked him in marrying him just so I could have a baby and that's not what I did. I love my husband very much and don't know what I would do without him. I haven't brought up having a baby in months but have made some small comments about babies. He seems to ignore them and acts like he doesn't care. When I first brought up having a baby he went to his mom (which is not a problem with me except that she is two-faced) and his friend ( who got his gf pregnant and then decided to give advise) and they told him that they didn't think it was the right time to have a baby for us, that we should wait. He went with this advise and has suck to it. Now that we are moving into a bigger place and have enough money to have baby ( more reasons he told of why not to have baby). He makes up new excuses of why not like the economy and that I'm working and we would be out of my paycheck for 6 weeks while I recovered from having the baby. I have looked into what needs to happen after that 6 weeks like daycare or having a family member look after the baby while I'm at work. He says he wants children but acts like he doesn't. I'm dealing with wanting a baby by myself and it's getting harder since I work in a restaurant that is a buffet. We all know that pregnant women love buffets and I have this jealousy toward them and I don't mean to have it. I just want to have a baby. I have had a this want since I miscarried my daughter at 16.

Should I bring it up before we move or after? Please don't judge me I have dealt with this for years and lately this has gotten overwhelming.

[Janesays]

How old are you? Your age will determine what advise I give.

 

Generally though, it takes TWO people to say 'yes' to having a child. But it only takes ONE person to say 'no.' NO ONE (Man OR Woman) should EVER be forced or tricked into having a child they are not ready for.

 

Why? Because that is not fair to YOUR BABY. Your BABY deserves TWO parents who BOTH WANT to bring him/her into this world.

[Cpl9183]

I'm 22 and he's 30 and I agree that's why I have never tricked him into anything

[Keenly]

I hear you saying what you want, but did you ever stop to think about what he wants? Maybe he doesn't want to have a kid at 30.

[Janesays]

I'm 22 and he's 30 and I agree that's why I have never tricked him into anything

 

 

In that case, I'd wait a couple of years. Tell your husband you don't even want to THINK about having a child until you're AT LEAST 25, have visited 2 foreign countries, and have a good chunk of change in the savings account.

 

He'll look at you like you're a mature woman who wants to build some memories with him first before you use him as a baby making machine, strengthen your marriage by creating memories and new experiences together, getting your financial ducks in a row and generally preparing yourselves to be the best parents you can be.

 

These are the kinds of things men want to hear from a woman before they choose her to be his child's Mother. Men don't want a woman who only wants to have children 'because all her friends are doing it' and nothing special is going on in their life anyway, so why not? They want a Mother for their children who has her head screwed on straight.

 

I know it's hard to wait and you're experiencing some biological urges. But my advice is it's LESS difficult to wait if you have other special things to look forward too. So, open up a savings account called 'Money for our trip to Greece' and start broadening your horizons. It'll make you a better Mother in the long run.

[stillafool]

Are you both financially stable enough to have kids? Can he support you financially if you don't work? If not, you are not ready to have kids. Children cost a ton of money and time. Are you ready to stay home and give up your life at the age of 22? Have you got all the partying out of your system at your age? If not, you are not ready to have kids. Do both of you want the baby now? If not, you are not ready to have kids. Have you finished school and started some type of career? It's important that you do because you never know what will happen and you (you) have to be able to support that kid financially. If not you are not ready to have kids.

[Grumpybutfun]

I would also consider if this is an emotional response (wanting the baby as quick as possible) to your miscarriage at 16. That is a very young age to be dealing with such an adult issue, and then the trauma of losing it must have been very difficult for you. Please talk to someone about his as this is probably what is driving this inner need with such forcefulness. The idea of a child and the reality are two different thigns and you have much to prepare and establish before children. You haven't been married very long, sometimes it is best to establish marriage and the partnership bond, and as Janesays wait until both are ready.

Honestly you sound as though you are having a tantrum to me...I want, I want, I want and you aren't really hearing your husband who is saying I am not ready yet.

This is why I think it would be beneficial for you to talk to someone about the emotional response you are having which seems very dramatic considering you are only 22.

Good luck,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

He makes up new excuses of why not like the economy and that I'm working and we would be out of my paycheck for 6 weeks while I recovered from having the baby.

 

 

From a purely financial perspective, if you two can't survive without 6 weeks of a paycheck from a waitress at a buffet you have absolutely no business having a baby right now because you simply can't afford one. Put some money in the bank. Save for all the expenses that come from having children & then have a baby.

[Cpl9183]

I hearing what he is saying and I'm not having a tantrum I have been dealing with this since I was 16. The feelings have not gone away. I am not a waitress and we have enough money to support a child give a child their every want and need.

[d0nnivain]

If money is just an excuse, then take all his reasons & counter them logically. You have to compromise a little until he's more ready. A baby is ahuge responsibility.

[Omei]

He doesnt sound ready, sounds like theres a lot more that he would like to do in his life before children, you pressuring him will only be your undoing. Speaking as a person who wanted her "ever after" at 20 and had a baby im now 27 and she's 6 I wish I had waited there is so much I could of done I wish I could of traveled!!! Now everyday is a dull routine im excited as heck just to go to a restuarnt tomorrow! I dont get to go often as I cant afford it all my $ gos to my child. Gosh I cant even remember last time I has the extra money to go to the movies. I love my child to bits but I MISS a lot.

[Grumpybutfun]

I hearing what he is saying and I'm not having a tantrum I have been dealing with this since I was 16. The feelings have not gone away. I am not a waitress and we have enough money to support a child give a child their every want and need.

 

Cpl:

Tantrum was a strong word since it may be an emotional response due to your miscarriage. Regardless, it is a very serious issue and if this is how you are coping with it, it could cause many problems in your marriage. He said you tricked him into marriage so I have to wonder how emotional you are getting in real life with him to make him feel that you would trick him to get a baby.

Have you ever talked about your miscarriage, pregnancy at 16, and the residual pain with anyone professionally?

I know this is difficult, and I am not trying to be harsh. I just don't want this to affect your marriage long-term.

Best,

Grumps

[pink_sugar]

You are too young to be thinking about children now. I am two years older than you and my husband is also 30, but neither of us are thinking about kids right now. We have some personal and financial issues to resolve. Those aside, I'd still wait until I am at least 30 years old, having done a lot of personal growth and fun things that I'd otherwise have a hard time doing when I have children. You were too young when you miscarried and the longing to have the child that you were unable to have as a result is not a good reason to rush into another pregnancy this young. You obviously do not have a reliable enough job or benefits to have children right now and I can understand how this would be a financial burden on your husband.

[melell]

Births today 223,340

Deaths today 92,153

Births this year 117,919,710

Deaths this year 48,655,087

 

Sorry op- not directing this specifically at you, just think it gives a good perspective on things. If this is something that is really important to you it needs to be spoken about and common ground needs to be established. It doesn't sound like he is against haven't children, so it's more when is it going to happen.

 

You are still young, got a good 13 years before your fertility is even marginally compromised.

Edited November 6, 2013 by melell

[Ryan_Talon]

Theres no need for either of you to be in a rush - let him know that! But at the same time if this is a part of your relationship that is important to you he needs to be willing to discuss it properly with you and not just close the line of communication!

[pteromom]

You need to talk to him and let him know that you need reassurance that it WILL happen.

 

Make a plan together to discuss it again in a year. Or put together a list of things that must happen before trying, and print it out and check items off as they happen.

 

I wouldn't have a baby yet. You are only 22, and there's plenty of time for you. I understand your feelings very well, and know how it can become an obsession. I know the pain of miscarriage and how much it hurts to see pregnant women and women with babies.

 

But you do have some control over your thoughts. When you see a cute baby, and it causes that jealousy response, instead think "That will be me someday." "That mom is lucky." and turn it positive. Focus on being HAPPY for the mom instead of sad for yourself.

 

And enjoy life as a 22 year old. This is the time to follow your passions, have new experiences, learn who you are, advance your career. The more you do as a woman now, the better mom you will make when you have a child.