I'm frustrated and perplexed

[Aslanbek]

I am really depressed right now because I have come to the realization that I will never have a satisfying sex life - or a sex life at all. I am 50 years old - and for the first time I am finally starting to look and feel my age. I have been married for almost 25 years to someone I both love and loathe and with whom I have no sex or love life. We simply do not get along, and have been close to divorce for basically 15 years. We have two boys whom I will not leave or serve as a part time parent for under any circumstances. So I feel frustrated and stuck. To add to my stress, I find myself regretting that I never had the chance to have sex or date as a younger man. I was in an all male environment in high school, and my college years were lost as well. Essentially I was and am a shy, unattractive man, which is the worst possible combination to be when you have a strong sex drive. Even now, at 50, I get frustrated because I see women every day, at work, at the library, at the gym, who I find so alluring, but I know, as I have all my life, that none of the women I like will ever be available to me. Do you know how maddening and depressing that is? Even if I get divorced, which is bound to happen after the kids grow up, I am still worried that things will not improve and that I will be a sad, bitter, depressed old man. I seriously think that once the kids are gone and we divorce, I am not going to want to live anymore. What's the use? All I'm going to be thinking about is catching up for what I wasn't able to do before with women, and that's not the place I want to be.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[TintedChrome]

Wow! Like, holy crap. I'm 45, not 50, and I've never been married, but otherwise, you just totally wrote my biography dude!

About 5 years ago it hit me like a brick that even though I've built a good life for myself and do a lot of fun stuff, I never went through a sow my wild oats phase in my 20s or 30s, and just feel very incomplete or inadequate for it.

In psychological terms, you seem to be doing a lot of fortune telling and catastrophizing in your post.

I don't know what the solution is for us. Escorts? Or just suck up the disappointment and find other stuff to distract us.

[Aslanbek]

Wow! Like, holy crap. I'm 45, not 50, and I've never been married, but otherwise, you just totally wrote my biography dude!

About 5 years ago it hit me like a brick that even though I've built a good life for myself and do a lot of fun stuff, I never went through a sow my wild oats phase in my 20s or 30s, and just feel very incomplete or inadequate for it.

In psychological terms, you seem to be doing a lot of fortune telling and catastrophizing in your post.

I don't know what the solution is for us. Escorts? Or just suck up the disappointment and find other stuff to distract us.

 

That's just it, dude. There's nothing to distract me.

[d0nnivain]

You say that you love & loathe your wife & that the two of you have been on the verge of divorce for 15 years. That's sad but have you tried fighting for your marriage & your sex life?

 

 

Men need sex to feel loved; women need to feel loved to have sex.

 

 

At some point you clearly loved your wife enough to marry her & to have kids. Try remembering those reasons. Once you remember the good parts of the beginning, can you sit down with her & tell her you would like to "start over" meaning you want to date each other again with all that entails including being nicer to each other. Sometimes the daily stressors & all of the responsibilities leave us so upset that we take it out on those we love.

 

 

When was the last time you tried romancing your wife . .. . taking her out to dinner or making her dinner after making sure the kids were out of the house? Try running her a bubble bath or offering her a massage/ backrub. Tell her you miss her. Get her some flowers. thrown in a load of laundry & fold it; I bet she'd be thrilled.

 

 

Seriously, sit down with her and talk about what would make your marriage wonderful & loving again from her perspective then do those things. Once she likes you again, perhaps you can work on introducing some variety & spice to your love life so instead of focusing on all the women you don't get randomly f*** you can be thrilled that your partner knows you better than anybody & still turns you on.

 

 

If you stop focusing on what you aren't getting & instead focus on what you can do for her, you should get back tenfold in return.

[nescafe1982]

You say that you love & loathe your wife & that the two of you have been on the verge of divorce for 15 years. That's sad but have you tried fighting for your marriage & your sex life?

 

Men need sex to feel loved; women need to feel loved to have sex.

 

If you stop focusing on what you aren't getting & instead focus on what you can do for her, you should get back tenfold in return.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

OP, you seem to be going through one hell of a depression, and it's only natural that when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis we turn inward and focus on ourselves. But it's a self-destructive cycle, because the more we focus on ourselves and the things we're lacking, the more depressed we become... the more depressed we become, the more self-absorbed, and the more self-absorbed, the less equipped to actually DO the things needed to get out of the depression in the first place.

 

First, no one should go it alone. You're talking a level of depression that might best be managed with additional support from a therapist. I would encourage you to see one... no one should do the kind of battle it sounds like you are facing without a supportive outside perspective to help. COnsider that.

 

Second, you are WAY too focused on you and what you aren't getting. So you can't do much to change your life in drastic, outward ways. But what you can do is change the nature of your marriage, your relationship with your children, and most importantly, your attitude about your life. Dude, you have a wife. You have kids. you have a lot of stuff... the grass sometimes looks greener on the other side of the fence, but you are a wealthy man if you have a family. Working on your marriage and family could be richly rewarding, and might bump you back into a loving state of mind. Take Donnivan's advance and kickstart your marriage. Try introducing more romance, focus on her, and the sex may improve.

 

But right now, your state of mind seems entirely too self-focused. That's the first obstacle you will need to remove.

[TheBathWater]

Of course, you feel frustrated. When you look around at the opportunities some other men have had, and you compare it to your own experience, you feel like you missed out. That is a normal feeling, and many other men (and women) share in your experience (as also evident by some of the replies in this thread).

 

Given that, especially over the last 10 years or so, there has been a major cultural shift in the western world in peoples attitudes toward casual sex, which has both normalized and encouraged the hookup, I imagine it makes it that much more frustrating for you. Do you know how many people have become sex focused as opposed to love focused today?

 

It sounds like you are not happy with your marriage. You describe it as loveless and lifeless, and basically still in tact so your kids grow up with their two biological parents. I think that is a very commendable thing for you to be doing, and most people wouldn't have the ethics to undertake that oath. You should be proud of yourself for being a good father and a good husband, despite the difficulties you describe in your marriage.

 

I want to also say that, as a professional who has seen people in your situation, not all hope is lost for your marriage. Believe it or not, I have seen many marriages like yours, some much worst than what you describe, that suddenly find new ground and the two people fall madly and sickly in love with each other again like their teenagers. Yes, it does happen. I can't promise that it will for you, but it is possible, if that is something you desire.

 

Going forward, I sense it is worth your time to tease apart how much of your frustration comes from your actual marriage, and how much comes from the societal images of casual sex. It might be hard to separate some of that out, but the idea alone is worth exploring.

 

Additionally, I would suggest you take advantage of your freedom of choice: you have the right to end your marriage and look for something different, or to stay in it and do something with it. Like I mentioned earlier, it is normal to long for something you haven't experienced (or have experienced, and have lost). But if the idea of being a father and making your marriage come alive feels at least as fulfilling to you as a man, then you have the right to choose that as well.

 

None of us live the perfect life or can say we did it all. Life, and especially love, is filled with many disappointments. It's what we choose to do with the options that we do have that can make or break our experience of it all.

 

I highly recommend googling a few books and seeing if any of them appeal to you in exploring your journey further. I think the following recommendations would suit you well, if you are seeking answers:

 

The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida

Can Love Last by Stephen Mitchell

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover

Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

 

Good luck to you,

 

TunaInTheBrine

[Aslanbek]

You say that you love & loathe your wife & that the two of you have been on the verge of divorce for 15 years. That's sad but have you tried fighting for your marriage & your sex life?

 

Yes I have, but I feel as if I'm the only one who gives a damn.

 

Men need sex to feel loved; women need to feel loved to have sex.

 

 

At some point you clearly loved your wife enough to marry her & to have kids. Try remembering those reasons. Once you remember the good parts of the beginning, can you sit down with her & tell her you would like to "start over" meaning you want to date each other again with all that entails including being nicer to each other. Sometimes the daily stressors & all of the responsibilities leave us so upset that we take it out on those we love.

 

I don't take things out on her - she takes things out on me.

 

When was the last time you tried romancing your wife . .. . taking her out to dinner or making her dinner after making sure the kids were out of the house? Try running her a bubble bath or offering her a massage/ backrub. Tell her you miss her. Get her some flowers. thrown in a load of laundry & fold it; I bet she'd be thrilled.

 

I did that often until she moved out of the bedroom.

 

Seriously, sit down with her and talk about what would make your marriage wonderful & loving again from her perspective then do those things. Once she likes you again, perhaps you can work on introducing some variety & spice to your love life so instead of focusing on all the women you don't get randomly f*** you can be thrilled that your partner knows you better than anybody & still turns you on.

 

 

If you stop focusing on what you aren't getting & instead focus on what you can do for her, you should get back tenfold in return.

 

This is sane, rational advice, but I think we're past that stage at this point. I just don't believe she loves me anymore.

[Aslanbek]

Quoted for truth.

 

OP, you seem to be going through one hell of a depression, and it's only natural that when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis we turn inward and focus on ourselves. But it's a self-destructive cycle, because the more we focus on ourselves and the things we're lacking, the more depressed we become... the more depressed we become, the more self-absorbed, and the more self-absorbed, the less equipped to actually DO the things needed to get out of the depression in the first place.

 

First, no one should go it alone. You're talking a level of depression that might best be managed with additional support from a therapist. I would encourage you to see one... no one should do the kind of battle it sounds like you are facing without a supportive outside perspective to help. COnsider that.

 

I am definitely very depressed. I have on and off seen therapists for many years, but while they may help in the short term, I don't have much luck with these issues in the long run.

 

Second, you are WAY too focused on you and what you aren't getting. So you can't do much to change your life in drastic, outward ways. But what you can do is change the nature of your marriage, your relationship with your children, and most importantly, your attitude about your life. Dude, you have a wife. You have kids. you have a lot of stuff... the grass sometimes looks greener on the other side of the fence, but you are a wealthy man if you have a family. Working on your marriage and family could be richly rewarding, and might bump you back into a loving state of mind. Take Donnivan's advance and kickstart your marriage. Try introducing more romance, focus on her, and the sex may improve.

 

But right now, your state of mind seems entirely too self-focused. That's the first obstacle you will need to remove.

 

I am totally devoted to my kids. I spend most of my free time (the little there is) with them. I am quite afraid that if she pushes for divorce I will lose them, because that is what happens to men in divorce. I am very, very family oriented, and all I ever ultimately wanted was to have a wife and children. But I guess what happened was I was very late to get involved with women (not my choice) and ended up marrying the first one who showed any interest. Seems like we were not the right people for each other.

[Aslanbek]

The whole "sowing your oats" thing is not natural. There were PLENTY of people many years ago that never did it and were fine with it. You guys feel this way because it's constantly being thrown in your face everywhere.

 

Yes and no. I would have been perfectly fine with monogamy, but I also wanted to begin sexual activity when I wanted to do so - not after graduating from college. I wasn't trying to lose my virginity because others had - I didn't want to be a 25-year-old who had never kissed a girl.

 

You're also likely experiencing mid-life crises, where you start questioning your decisions on everything.

 

Yeah, but I have questioned this for a long time.

 

Personally, I've "sown my wild oats" many times over (and am still doing it to a degree). It's not really all that great. In fact, I kind of wish that I don't know some of the things that I found out while doing it. The world has become much darker for me as I embarked upon that path.

 

All I'm saying is be careful what you wish for.

 

If it's not all that great, why are you still doing it? You are telling me that it's not good to do, but yet you don't mind doing it. That's strange to me. As well, you had a choice in the matter. I didn't and don't.

[Aslanbek]

Of course, you feel frustrated. When you look around at the opportunities some other men have had, and you compare it to your own experience, you feel like you missed out. That is a normal feeling, and many other men (and women) share in your experience (as also evident by some of the replies in this thread).

 

Given that, especially over the last 10 years or so, there has been a major cultural shift in the western world in peoples attitudes toward casual sex, which has both normalized and encouraged the hookup, I imagine it makes it that much more frustrating for you. Do you know how many people have become sex focused as opposed to love focused today?

 

As I've tried to say, I don't feel bad as much because I didn't have lots of sex as a younger man as much as I regret that I went so many years without love. If I had had a girlfriend at 14 and stayed with her all my life and we were still together and loving with children, I would have been perfectly happy with that. It's not the wild oats/hookup thing that bothers me, though I would have preferred that to involuntary celibacy/unwanted virgin status.

It sounds like you are not happy with your marriage. You describe it as loveless and lifeless, and basically still in tact so your kids grow up with their two biological parents. I think that is a very commendable thing for you to be doing, and most people wouldn't have the ethics to undertake that oath. You should be proud of yourself for being a good father and a good husband, despite the difficulties you describe in your marriage.

 

Thank you. I do believe I am a very good father - even my wife grudgingly acknowledges that. But she doesn't see me as a good husband, and I don't think that will change. It has a lot to do with her being interested in my because of my professional status, and that that aspect of my life has really been difficult.

 

I want to also say that, as a professional who has seen people in your situation, not all hope is lost for your marriage. Believe it or not, I have seen many marriages like yours, some much worst than what you describe, that suddenly find new ground and the two people fall madly and sickly in love with each other again like their teenagers. Yes, it does happen. I can't promise that it will for you, but it is possible, if that is something you desire.

 

As I've said, I fear that my marriage is beyond repair; there have been too many vicious fights, extremely hurt feelings and lack of trust to fix it.

 

Going forward, I sense it is worth your time to tease apart how much of your frustration comes from your actual marriage, and how much comes from the societal images of casual sex. It might be hard to separate some of that out, but the idea alone is worth exploring.

 

I am very frustrated because of the lack of mental and spiritual intimacy as well as sex itself. I would like to be with someone I love and who loves me; I would also like to have sex. I don't think I've been able to have it as much as I wanted to in life. Nobody wants to be single and involuntarily celibate, and nobody wants to be married and incel. That's a horrible situation.

 

Additionally, I would suggest you take advantage of your freedom of choice: you have the right to end your marriage and look for something different, or to stay in it and do something with it. Like I mentioned earlier, it is normal to long for something you haven't experienced (or have experienced, and have lost). But if the idea of being a father and making your marriage come alive feels at least as fulfilling to you as a man, then you have the right to choose that as well.

 

I'd love the latter, but have no hope for that. If I ended my marriage I am afraid that I would lose my kids AND have problems finding someone else. I am 50, unattractive, with no social skills and very little dating/sexual experience. Not a desirable profile for most women.

 

None of us live the perfect life or can say we did it all. Life, and especially love, is filled with many disappointments. It's what we choose to do with the options that we do have that can make or break our experience of it all.

 

I highly recommend googling a few books and seeing if any of them appeal to you in exploring your journey further. I think the following recommendations would suit you well, if you are seeking answers:

 

The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida

Can Love Last by Stephen Mitchell

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover

Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

 

Good luck to you,

 

TunaInTheBrine

 

I'll check out the books. Thanks for the advice.