Sticking to NC...could really use support

[simplicity1]

Background: man living on other side of world with GF of 5 years (problems with their relationship) tempted me for a few months with idea of applying to graduate school in my country. We confessed emotion for each other and it grew deeper over time. After a few months of intense EA and a bit of PA, it became clear he was not willing to break up with his GF immediately, or at least until his future academic plans were more set. and so we finally tried to go back to friends.

 

One week ago I called it quits and told him in a heartfelt manner that I could not go back to friendship. There was too much genuine care and I could not continue in any capacity, but that I still thought we would be great together.

 

Since then he has broken NC a number of times, and I have not responded. most recently he tried to get me to help him fully understand his options for schools near me. I eventually responded telling him not to contact me unless his circumstances change.

 

Feeling really crappy now. I feel like I'm insensitive for not just answering his questions about schools, and I feel like my coldness might make him think less of me in the future if he does indeed become single and move here. But I also think he's not respecting our chat from a week ago when I established NC and explained how hard it was for me to have these emotions that I couldn't act on but to still be chatting with him every day.

 

I'm here just looking for some support that I did the healthiest thing for myself. This is really hard to cope with and could just use some affirmation from you guys that I'm headed down the right path (I hope). Thanks.

 

I've never felt this deeply about someone before. Both emotionally and on paper we're such a great match and I'm still hoping it might work out.

Edited November 6, 2013 by simplicity1

[lop98]

I know how you feel. Even though the guy I was in love with was hurt and he moved on to someone else shortly after our split, we maintained contact for about a month during his new relationship. Then I went NC and he continued to find a way to message me until I had to break things off in a way that was far from polite, which still haunts me to this day but 10 months later, I have managed to stay NC.

 

This was guy I was deeply in love with, I cared about him beyond words... I wanted to take care of him, to always keep a place in my life for him in case things could work between us. Only distance shed enough light for me to see that, maybe he was not a bad person, but he was selfish as hell, and you'll never find happiness with someone who confuses the idea of a partner with server, and right now, you are one, you serve a function: you give him attention, you give him extra love, extra care, and his girlfriend is being disrespected enormously in ways that only speak for what he's capable of doing. The fact that he keeps contacting you doesn't make you sound cold or heartless in any way, I know that's how you feel, because your feelings are genuine, but the only person that's being cold by trying to run over the feelings of TWO people, is him.

 

How is he contacting you? by email? phone calls?

 

Part of NC is physically breaking ties.... I kept one with my "ex", I kept one mean of communication when I was still hurting and hoping the future would bring us together.... well, he tried to reach me through that small mean of communication multiple times and multiple times I was back in square one, crying myself to sleep, waking up at 4 am only to cry more, losing weight by the minute. It really hurt finally deleting him and blocking him to the point there's no way he can reach me (unless he sends a letter I guess) but you have no idea how it's helped me.... I realized so many things about my feelings for him, I realized it is possible to feel something just as intense for someone else but with respect and health for one another.

 

Blocking him from my life was really difficult for me but in a way, it's like cleaning a wound, it hurts a lot but it's for the best.

 

By month 10, 11... you'll confirm over and over a decision that makes you feel so guilty right now, trust me!

[Lessons]

I understand exactly where you are, because I have been there. It's one thing to decide not to contact him, but it's quite another to resist responding when he reaches out to you. Like you have already said, he is being extremely disrespectful to you by initiating contact (with any flimsy excuse) . . . yet look at what you are doing: turning it around and telling yourself that YOU are the bad person for not responding and answering his questions.

 

He will keep trying to contact you because he knows that he can keep stringing you along. The only way you will be able to enforce NC and move on is to BLOCK him from ever being able to contact you. I realize I have made this suggestion to several posters and am probably starting to sound like a broken record, but I absolutely convinced this is the ONLY way to heal.

 

Blocking my xMOM is the most liberating thing I have ever done, and it is the reason I am feeling better and stronger every day. When you block, you take your power back! On any given day, I can "spin" the NC any way I want: "He misses me - he must be miserable and trying to contact me" or "He hasn't missed a beat without me in his life - I really wasn't that important to him and I made the right decision". Or, I can not think of him at all - and not have to check my phone and email every 20 minutes, because I know there won't be a message from him.

 

Simplicity, right now you are the "needier" one in your affair - you depend upon his crumbs and are torturing yourself with thoughts of "what if" and "someday" and "I should ________ or he won't like me". STOP! Take control of your life - and block him. NC is the ONLY way out of the fog . . . and life becomes beautiful again when you are running the show.

 

Google "text blockers" - and then install one. Block email through your provider - not your email program.

 

All the best to you - you are smart, well-educated, have a great future ahead of you, and you deserve so much better than this!

[simplicity1]

thanks so much for the helpful messages. Really got me through the day reading these.

 

I'm going to remain firm in my conviction that if he believes strongly enough in our potential he will take the necessary actions that would allow us to pursue things, and in the mean time it is my job to free myself from the emotional roller coaster of his indecisiveness.

 

This is not fun at all!

[MorbidFever]

I was a lurker here since May and read a lot about going NC and sticking to it.

 

One of the best I've read is - take one day at a time, don't look into the future or even the next day. Today is when you remind yourself no contact.

 

I also read some helpful ideas that did help me. Whatever you are doing when thinking of contacting, do something different. Someone mentioned to start whistling or reciting words to songs in your head. It works! Wishing you the best!