Losing faith and oneself

[Vinsanity1307]

Hi Everyone no surprise but still having a rough time with being dumped 4 months post BU. The thoughts are the same, and been trying to reroute the thoughts by thinking the lyrics to a song or recite a movie in my head (aspiringuitarherioine). The thoughts are still pushing through. Anyways I still find myself not being attracted to any other women, and cant vision the future without my ex, the comfort and chemistry we had (and just how she made me feel the past few years when she changed for the better). I still I am lurking aimlessly through the dark. We spend our whole life building a defense and guard to protect ourselves from pain, and hurt. Then that special someone comes around unannounced or unexpected and it turns into this unexplainable great feeling and connection.

 

Then our guard is lowered and we open up to these people just to be severly hurt and discharged? I feel like it would never be worth risking and putting myself/heart out there to set up for pain again. Cause there is no such worse pain. I feel like I am losing my faith in people and faith in general. I am even at a point I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I am constantly changing my look ( Whether its growing out my hair, different beards, and facial hair styles. I dont know if the nice guy that once was is gone. I am scared I admit..But again what scares me most is if I were to die tomorrow I would die with out her, and knowing I am nothing to her. Dying of never letting go of the one that I really loved. That we wont meet up in the afterlife (if there is one) and it is heartwrenching the thought she sees herself not with me and we re not meant for each other (through her eyes). I am even losing interest in my interests now. I know there is prob no advice you can give me to change this just venting...

 

Here is my story for those who don't know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

Edited November 6, 2013 by Vinsanity1307
missed a part

[Vinsanity1307]

It was last week. But is when I started using your advice in reference to that. Its not like the BU was yesterday or last week....4 months in and still feel as stated. Thats scary in my opinion...

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Nah dude what you need is someone who's in the same shoes as you. I've seen you post around here and I feel the same way. You know you can PM me anytime if you want some comfort. It's two months for me and I feel the same too.

 

I still read her Twitter and I've found out she had a crush on a co-worker so I guess she dumped me for him. But turns out he friend zoned her and she's hit rock bottom now. She is posting about how much she needs to get laid. She told me she wasn't interested in having sex with other guys, or a relationship but she needs to find herself.

 

Total BS. She is so desperate to get a boyfriend right now. She just posted

 

ffs I might have to look into this **** buddy thing if someone doesnt **** me soon. I dont want a relationship right now i just want sex. lots and lots of sex.

 

She has lost all her integrity, she is so ****ed right now. This is NOT the girl I went out with at all.

 

She is killing me.

 

Seven years!! I'll be posting a new thread soon about the chameleon girlfriend.

[JDPT]

I've said this in the past and I'll say it again. Until you don't knock her off the pedestal you still have her on (and don't argue otherwise) you will continue going in circles, focus on just that for now, nothing more.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I'd be worried about the whole 'misery loves company' dynamic.

 

Still reading her Twitter feed? Yikes. An example of 'what not to do'...

 

No helping someone else helps me and vice versa. Nobody really cares what you're going through, they just tell you to get over it and take those pills, don't they? I'm here to actually talk if you want. It's good to share how you feel with someone who is going through the same crap.

 

DO NOT take medication, **** that ****. You gotta go through this not around it pumped up with drugs.

 

Yeah I check her Twitter so what? It's showing her true colours that she hid all this time. It's easier to move on when the truth is on your side.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Why do keep telling this guy to find someone new when he is clearly deeply in love with his ex still. It's like saying to people there is plenty more fish in the sea, it's not helpful at all and undermines their feelings.

 

No medication is needed, sounds like he's getting sucked in by the waves of the break-up and needed to vent. I get like this too and start thinking the same things, there are no love potions to fall in love or out of love.

 

I don't think four months is long at all after five years. Those thoughts I think too, like losing myself and the after life. Sometimes the pain is very intense but that's okay I'm allowed to feel this way and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Soon I'll be over the pain and her.

 

I too have lost faith and learned people aren't always what they seem to be. I wouldn't of learned this if someone I loved hadn't betrayed me. It's like that scene in the Matrix where Neo realizes he is the one and starts seeing everything in it's true binary.

 

What we need to realize is these people needed us as an emotional attachment, but that can be replaced with someone else if they don't feel strongly enough. No lie can live forever and all relationships dissolve eventually. 99% of break-ups occur when they find someone new, that new attachment and it's not fair on the dumpee because they didn't get that luxury. They only get held back by it. Start looking at relationships logically and why people really have them.

 

It's a lonely world out here and you can live it in the real world seeing all the binary or live it with the love blinders on and go jump into the next relationship. That's the only pills you should be taking the red or the blue.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Still true and very good metaphors there.

[Vinsanity1307]

Thanks for all your responses.....Yes my ex is on the pedestal I know...And whether anyone believes me or not I am attempting and doing what I can to take her off it...Do any of you think I like feeling this way? Really.. As I stated venting here and hearing EVERYONES response does help ease some of the pain... I dont like some of the responses cause they hurt but it is what it is...and it helps....We are all different ...Some more sensitive than the others (I am guilty as charged in reference to that..Which doesnt make me any less of a man or a person than someone else..I loved someone and opened to her) And in my case when the thoughts come around or I have to look at her house when leaving my house or something sparks the thoughts yes it ruins the day or few days for me...But that is why i come on here to vent it out..And MoooOinkBaaa you very well could be right in no one REALLY caring for me or anyone else personally...But some could...aspiringuitarheroine has commented on most of my threads which could go either way and /or she does that for all threads on here I am not sure....Some well alot of the comments feel like the dagger is being twisted but she could be very well trying to help..My point being is I think everyone is trying to help to an extent but again everyone is different so i handle it diff then her or cave in more than someone else... Yes I fear I am seriously depressed I know that... The girl was everything to me regardless of the ups and downs... I have had about 5 or 6 interviews for a new job but dont get the jobs..very well could be cause I am not myself regardless how hard I try to hide it..MoooOinkBaaa I appreciate your more sensitive replies they do help alot even only if temporary. i am no where ready for someone else.. I am seeing a counselor that I am going to tomorrow prob my 6th visit...in 4 months...Bottom line I am trying to and doing as a I can to stop this pain but its how I feel still and who I am you cant get mad at the person I am and that I am trying to change the way I feel even if its not working...

[shadow15]

Take each day, day by day; your going have bad days, but then your going have some good days, and then your back to having bad days, its a roller coaster. But eventually you won't think about her as much and just accept it. It will still be in your mind and it will still make you remember how close you were, but the fact remains people change. You said yourself you can't even recognize yourself, its cause your still seeing yourself as the boyfriend and in a relationship. Go for a walk by yourself, cry, go work out the anger, but just remember your still alive. Like a baby, they don't walk on the very first try, it takes time; you will pick yourself up again, i know i did.

 

Feel free to read my stuff if you want, my relationship wasn't as long as yours and I'm sure it was completely different, but it helped me reading other peoples stories, its the main reason i came to this website. I personally haven't check this place in about 5 months, because i have finally been content, yea i still think her at times, but would i want her back, hell no. Heres a little video that somebody showed me, it made me cry like a baby, but it helped. I liked it so much, i went and watched all of their videos which are very good and i recommend it. Also one of the singers in these videos have some nice break up music, look him up, his name is david choi.

 

 

Just remember come here post what your feeling, post updates, and read other people stories, but don't message her. Its not worth the headache nor the feelings that build up. Best of luck. And I'm currently 14 months out of my break up, and ill admit it took me about 7-9 months to feel good again. I was at the point of just driving off a cliff cause i figured nobody would care because my family. You learn to set goals and make your life something important.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why do keep telling this guy to find someone new when he is clearly deeply in love with his ex still. It's like saying to people there is plenty more fish in the sea, it's not helpful at all and undermines their feelings.

 

No medication is needed, sounds like he's getting sucked in by the waves of the break-up and needed to vent. I get like this too and start thinking the same things, there are no love potions to fall in love or out of love.

 

I don't think four months is long at all after five years. Those thoughts I think too, like losing myself and the after life. Sometimes the pain is very intense but that's okay I'm allowed to feel this way and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Soon I'll be over the pain and her.

 

I too have lost faith and learned people aren't always what they seem to be. I wouldn't of learned this if someone I loved hadn't betrayed me. It's like that scene in the Matrix where Neo realizes he is the one and starts seeing everything in it's true binary.

 

What we need to realize is these people needed us as an emotional attachment, but that can be replaced with someone else if they don't feel strongly enough. No lie can live forever and all relationships dissolve eventually. 99% of break-ups occur when they find someone new, that new attachment and it's not fair on the dumpee because they didn't get that luxury. They only get held back by it. Start looking at relationships logically and why people really have them.

 

It's a lonely world out here and you can live it in the real world seeing all the binary or live it with the love blinders on and go jump into the next relationship. That's the only pills you should be taking the red or the blue.

 

No one expects him to be over it now. But he's still stuck at stage one. He still has her on a pedestal and he still allows one thought about her to mushroom into a debilitating streak of wallowing and rumination. He's not getting angry, he's just being defeated. He idolizes her like she's the perfect woman, which she isn't. He should be past that stage four months in.

 

As for you, stop with the damn Twitter stalking dude. Completely pointless and counterproductive. Absolutely nothing good can come from such things.

[Vinsanity1307]

Again...I am trying..The pain feels like mini heart attacks.. Emotional and physical pain , and that is usually too much for me...I dont want to be like this......

[Simon Phoenix]

Again...I am trying..The pain feels like mini heart attacks.. Emotional and physical pain , and that is usually too much for me...I dont want to be like this......

 

Then fight damn it. We want to see some fight, some fire from you. It's not supposed to be easy, it sucks, we've all been through it. But you can't let it dictate your life. At the very least get ANGRY AT YOUR EX FOR PUTTING YOU IN THIS SHI*TY POSITION!

[reddragon588]

Why do keep telling this guy to find someone new when he is clearly deeply in love with his ex still. It's like saying to people there is plenty more fish in the sea, it's not helpful at all and undermines their feelings.

 

No medication is needed, sounds like he's getting sucked in by the waves of the break-up and needed to vent. I get like this too and start thinking the same things, there are no love potions to fall in love or out of love.

 

I don't think four months is long at all after five years. Those thoughts I think too, like losing myself and the after life. Sometimes the pain is very intense but that's okay I'm allowed to feel this way and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Soon I'll be over the pain and her.

 

I too have lost faith and learned people aren't always what they seem to be. I wouldn't of learned this if someone I loved hadn't betrayed me. It's like that scene in the Matrix where Neo realizes he is the one and starts seeing everything in it's true binary.

 

What we need to realize is these people needed us as an emotional attachment, but that can be replaced with someone else if they don't feel strongly enough. No lie can live forever and all relationships dissolve eventually. 99% of break-ups occur when they find someone new, that new attachment and it's not fair on the dumpee because they didn't get that luxury. They only get held back by it. Start looking at relationships logically and why people really have them.

 

It's a lonely world out here and you can live it in the real world seeing all the binary or live it with the love blinders on and go jump into the next relationship. That's the only pills you should be taking the red or the blue.

 

The Matrix is a movie dude. And it's also a movie that is based off Descartes ancient question about autonomy and the ability to think and act for ones' self. In other words, shaking codependency and becoming independent.

 

Vin, I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I mean this in the most supportive way possible, but you need to get some professional help. At some point, what you're going through is beyond the capability of anyone here. If you're already going to a therapist, you need to consider going to someone new- just like friends or girlfriends not all therapists click with you. But you gotta start doing something bro. This chick isn't worth this trouble!

[reddragon588]

Again...I am trying..The pain feels like mini heart attacks.. Emotional and physical pain , and that is usually too much for me...I dont want to be like this......

 

I've been there too but you have to understand this is going to be one of the hardest things you've ever done. Have you ever broken a bone or torn a ligament or any physical injury? This is no different. You're going to have to fight as freaking hard as you ever have for anything. I've literally never done anything as hard as deal with my most recent breakup, and I've been through se incredibly tough injuries and a few really hard personal crises. I had moments where the emotional pain turned into physical pain so bad I had to lie down because I was afraid of fainting. But you just have to fight. You can't say I'm over it, but you can say I'm ready to start. You're letting yourself get defeated too easily. Take victories in whatever you can. You're at how many days of NC now? If it's more than 1, there's a victory. You're still alive, you're still employed? Victories. You got out of bed this morning? Victory. Literally high five yourself for every victory no matter how small. When I do something I consider a victory, I take a second to recognize it to myself. That way I'm not just recognizing the moments I struggle, I'm also recognizing the times I shine.

 

I know it's tough, and I know this is insensitive, but you need to start manning up and saying enough is enough. Every time you feel defeated you need to say eff this I'm not going to let this take over me.

[Haydn]

Vin, I am there with you mate. Good days and bad. BaD DAYS IT CAN OVERWHELM. But you will have good days. Ive been where you have and it hurts and will not magically disappear but the advice here is sound, see a therapist. I think its time for you to do this. Your not alone my friend.

[Vinsanity1307]

I am seeing a counselor and she was the only one that would scale her rate after everyone I contacted to see...I also have a list of the negative qualities and annoyances of her . The list is at about 50. But still on the pedestal even with that. Thank you for your comments..

[reddragon588]

I am seeing a counselor and she was the only one that would scale her rate after everyone I contacted to see...I also have a list of the negative qualities and annoyances of her . The list is at about 50. But still on the pedestal even with that. Thank you for your comments..

 

If she's not working then you need to see someone new. Even if means paying more.. Some things are worth spending on and your health is one of them.

[yorkie]

Why do keep telling this guy to find someone new when he is clearly deeply in love with his ex still. It's like saying to people there is plenty more fish in the sea, it's not helpful at all and undermines their feelings.

 

No medication is needed, sounds like he's getting sucked in by the waves of the break-up and needed to vent. I get like this too and start thinking the same things, there are no love potions to fall in love or out of love.

 

I don't think four months is long at all after five years. Those thoughts I think too, like losing myself and the after life. Sometimes the pain is very intense but that's okay I'm allowed to feel this way and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Soon I'll be over the pain and her.

 

I too have lost faith and learned people aren't always what they seem to be. I wouldn't of learned this if someone I loved hadn't betrayed me. It's like that scene in the Matrix where Neo realizes he is the one and starts seeing everything in it's true binary.

 

What we need to realize is these people needed us as an emotional attachment, but that can be replaced with someone else if they don't feel strongly enough. No lie can live forever and all relationships dissolve eventually. 99% of break-ups occur when they find someone new, that new attachment and it's not fair on the dumpee because they didn't get that luxury. They only get held back by it. Start looking at relationships logically and why people really have them.

 

It's a lonely world out here and you can live it in the real world seeing all the binary or live it with the love blinders on and go jump into the next relationship. That's the only pills you should be taking the red or the blue.

 

 

spot on post i feel the same way! i am struggling was ok for a week but then we talked and she told me she doesnt know why but she doesnt want a relationship with me also she wants to spend christmas with me and the kids as a family which i find weird sorry but i agree with this post! i too vent my frustrations and its bloody hard! i was am still in love with her and people are different people keep saying its time time is a healer i wish i was asleep for 6 months and wake up without feelings for my ex

[reddragon588]

I don't mean to sound like a dick right here but at a certain point it's not ok to feel bad for yourself anymore. You have to toughen up and say yeah it's tough but I'm ready to be over this. Don't give into your feelings, be stronger than them.

[mtnbiker3000]

Pity party... OVER!!!

 

You're a young man with the world at your feet. Start acting like it. Don't like something about your life? Change it!! Hit the gym. Read books. Talk to anyone who will listen, including here on LS (but talk about what a c*nt your ex is)! Get mad! This is a challenge and you need to rise up to it. We have ALL been where your at. Every one of us. Simple as that. And none of us have died. You will beat this! You just need to decide you're ready. Are you finally ready?

[sambo77]

Really, really sorry you're having such a rubbish time Vin. Wish I could do more than just tell you I'm going through it with you and to hang in there...but I think that's all you can do right now. You aren't alone. You can see that from all the responses you've had here.

 

I guess situations like yours are always going to polarise the LS community...and we've had the debate about whether or not you should "man up and get on with it" or "start dating and forget her" (neither of which I support) a few times before. No point reopening it.

 

I'd just say this:

 

(1) I'm not a supporter of the "fight your feelings" approach. A break up (like many turbulent life events) causes a massive storm in our ocean. Our thoughts, feelings, and emotions are catastrophic...like the worst ocean storm you can imagine. In a stormy sea, I see no point getting caught up in a battle with the waves on the surface of the ocean. You ultimately end up trying to fight something you can't beat. You can't calm an ocean and there's no sense trying.

 

I believe that, like a storm, the waves WILL calm when they are ready. The storm WILL pass. But I do not believe getting caught up in a "battle" with it does us much good or makes it pass more quickly. I prefer to just let it come, go with it, let it take me where it will, and not fight it. Granted, this will take me places I don't wanna go, and expose me to crashing waves that scare the ***** out of me...but this is something you have to go through.

 

I favour acceptance based approaches over attempts to "control" our feelings. Not saying you need to "act" on your feelings of love, pain, longing...but I certainly don't think you should fight them or deny them...they are there and this is something you have to go through.

 

(2) I also can't see how it's helpful to you to go down the pathway of thinking that there must be something "wrong with you" because your grief is more powerful, lasting longer, and not letting up. That's heaping way more pressure and feelings of inadequacy on you, when the breakup has already chucked enough of that stuff onto you. I say be kind to yourself...you will get through this...and you will let go...but you're still holding on very tightly to something you really don't wanna release.

 

(3) Pain and turmoil usually hang around for a reason. Maybe you still got something to learn? Maybe ask yourself what it is you're so afraid of Vin? What scares you about moving forward? If you take your ex off the proverbial "pedestal"...what does that "mean" about you, her, what you shared?

 

You'll get through it.

[Haydn]

Spot on mate.

 

 

Really, really sorry you're having such a rubbish time Vin. Wish I could do more than just tell you I'm going through it with you and to hang in there...but I think that's all you can do right now. You aren't alone. You can see that from all the responses you've had here.

 

I guess situations like yours are always going to polarise the LS community...and we've had the debate about whether or not you should "man up and get on with it" or "start dating and forget her" (neither of which I support) a few times before. No point reopening it.

 

I'd just say this:

 

(1) I'm not a supporter of the "fight your feelings" approach. A break up (like many turbulent life events) causes a massive storm in our ocean. Our thoughts, feelings, and emotions are catastrophic...like the worst ocean storm you can imagine. In a stormy sea, I see no point getting caught up in a battle with the waves on the surface of the ocean. You ultimately end up trying to fight something you can't beat. You can't calm an ocean and there's no sense trying.

 

I believe that, like a storm, the waves WILL calm when they are ready. The storm WILL pass. But I do not believe getting caught up in a "battle" with it does us much good or makes it pass more quickly. I prefer to just let it come, go with it, let it take me where it will, and not fight it. Granted, this will take me places I don't wanna go, and expose me to crashing waves that scare the ***** out of me...but this is something you have to go through.

 

I favour acceptance based approaches over attempts to "control" our feelings. Not saying you need to "act" on your feelings of love, pain, longing...but I certainly don't think you should fight them or deny them...they are there and this is something you have to go through.

 

(2) I also can't see how it's helpful to you to go down the pathway of thinking that there must be something "wrong with you" because your grief is more powerful, lasting longer, and not letting up. That's heaping way more pressure and feelings of inadequacy on you, when the breakup has already chucked enough of that stuff onto you. I say be kind to yourself...you will get through this...and you will let go...but you're still holding on very tightly to something you really don't wanna release.

 

(3) Pain and turmoil usually hang around for a reason. Maybe you still got something to learn? Maybe ask yourself what it is you're so afraid of Vin? What scares you about moving forward? If you take your ex off the proverbial "pedestal"...what does that "mean" about you, her, what you shared?

 

You'll get through it.

[mtnbiker3000]

(3) Pain and turmoil usually hang around for a reason. Maybe you still got something to learn? Maybe ask yourself what it is you're so afraid of Vin? What scares you about moving forward? If you take your ex off the proverbial "pedestal"...what does that "mean" about you, her, what you shared?

 

Agreed. My whole philosophy is that the ex is only a small factor in what is really going on. Sort of a catalyst. The real, important chemical reaction is inside your own mind. If you simply just try to forget about this without a deep level of understanding the 'why's' of your own thinking and actions, you will simply repeat the pattern over and over. I speak from experience on this. Now is the time to peel back that wig and stick a flashlight deep down in the top of your skull and see what's in there.

[Vinsanity1307]

As for dating someone new I am not happy with myself...my ex took my confidence with her when she left. And so I am told I can't even fake it well.l when I thought i was hiding it well. Acquaintances could tell something was wrong with me. .....My point being is if I'm not happy with myself I can't be happy with someone else.I have tried a few dates and all I did was think of my ex and compare and contrast..no chemistry, nothing to talk about, not as attractive....excetra......I have been letring the feelings flow but they overpower. Like a train hitting me..Yea it hits that hard....And the anxiety comes along and even to the point of its physically hurts...and I know how can this be from just one older woman (9yrs older) with 3 kids... living at home with her Mom.....who put me through hell 3 times it doesn't make any sense...