8 months later getting over it

[dubydubydu]

So my girlfriend and I started dating in the Spring of 2012. We are in college and so we were dating for about 6 weeks before going home for the summer. We stayed together over the summer and the next semester, I was incredibly busy, and did not treat my girlfriend with the time and respect she deserved. I was not awful to her, but I simply didn't cut out enough time for her and didn't do a few things that were important to her. She did not tell me about any of this and I thought we were in a happy relationship. The second semester I finally did everything I should've been doing before, and by the first week of January, she told me she loved me. I told her a few weeks later and from then on we were fantastic. She joined me at a family wedding before we broke up for about five weeks at the end of the summer. We did it for what we thought were logical reasons despite still loving each other. She slept with two guys multiple times, no relationship but sex during this period. It bothers me to this day because I hate the thought of her being with someone else but I know she didn't do anything wrong so I am slowly but surely getting over that. We have been back together for about seven weeks and things were better than they'd ever been, until I found out she made a drunk mistake and cheated on me on New Year's eve last year, making out with someone at a party with many of her friends around who I thought were also friends of mine. She also was having facebook conversations with someone who she arranged to meet up with, and then even though she didn't respond to any later messages, the man was comfortable calling her babe and saying sexual things. This was all during January, before she told me she loved me in February. I love her and know that I wasn't the best boyfriend when this happened but she still cheated on me and has gotten around since we started dating and I haven't even kissed another girl.

 

I still love her and want to be with her but I am haunted by what has happened in the past. I truly believe she would never do that again knowing how much she currently loves me, but I am having issues getting past this. She answers any questions I have and has beat herself up pretty good about it, but I can tell it tears her apart talking about it. Part of the reason I don't think I want to break up with her is because it feels like everything has been lumped together and is my fault and the only real mistake she made was 8 months ago, while we were dating, but before I fell in love with her and before she fell in love with me. Any advice on how to handle it with her and how to handle it for myself moving forward?

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but I think you need to move on. Yeah, she slept with two guys on several occasions; however, you got it right. You weren't together so it was none of your business. Does it hurt? Sure. BUT! She had a physical affair AND a sexting affair with the promise of making it physical WHILE you were together. Hell, your mutual friends saw her do it. Which tells me she doesn't give a damn one way or another if she was brazen enough to do it in front of people that could have easily informed you of what happened. Sorry dude, but that would have been a deal breaker for me.

 

I would suggest that you move on from her. Not what you wanted to hear, but her actions speak louder than words.

[kdobbs]

Sounds similar to my experience, I think I lasted about a month before I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Once trust has been broken, the relationship can never truly go back to how it was. Do yourself a favour and move on, because I can assure you it's much easier to break up and know you are moving forward, than to stay in a relationship where you can't get over the past.

[Kate9292]

So she:

 

-slept with two guys while you weren't together. Not a problem. She was free to do it.

-Made out with some guy on New Years Eve and was having sexual conversations with some guy until she told you she loves you in early February? Earlier you said it was first week of January?

 

If it was February, doesn't seem to me like she did anything wrong. As far as I see, your relationship was sort of budding during that New Years Eve/January time, but until you officialy became exclusive, she was free to do all that too.

 

Then again, she could love you and still want other guys. If so, decide if you can handle it. If you can't, break up. You see talking about it hurts her, if you keep coming back to it, you will eventually destroy this relationship. Instead focus on having good time together.

[Spectre]

The sad truth is if she truly was in love with you she would of never cheated. I think you should move on, unless you feel that you do not deserve to be with a person who truly loves and respects you. If you do feel that way..then yes, get back with her.

 

I know this is hard to hear, it always hard because you can't just turn your feelings off and you want to make things work and you want to believe this person is sincere about it and the truth is she might indeed be sincere, but the problem is she just isn't the one for you, if she was then she wouldn't of cheated. At the end of the day, it is usually that simple. People do make mistakes, but some mistakes are infinitely easier to avoid then others, and when it comes to physical relations with other people? Yep, those are quite easy to avoid. You don't just turn around a corner and accidentally sleep with someone else. Nor do you even just accidentally kiss someone else. These are conscious decisions.

 

Is your gf a horrible person? No, not even close, does she love you? Maybe, is she IN love with you, though? I would say no, definitely not. I guess it just depends on the type of relationship you want: do you want to be with someone who just loves you..or someone who is IN love with you? I would figure most people would want the latter.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Spectre

[dubydubydu]

Thanks for the help everyone