In need of long distance relationship advice.

[Markerman 30]

Hi, I am from Canada, I am currently involved in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend I love her very much. The problem I am know noticing is her age difference.

 

I am 31 she is 26. Its more of a maturity issue. She is currently going to university, and she is in a low paying job. She still lives at home, she comes up to visit in the summer while here she stays here for close to 4 months. I paid her way up here last summer. which was close to 1000 dollars. I know money isn't everything, but i end up paying for almost everything. she is the oldest in her family but she is so attached to her parents. I am working 2 jobs to get by as I pay rent etc. Whenever I bring up issues such as money and things along that line she gets an attitude about it. I wanted to move south as I am going to school as well, She said she would love to get a place with me. but she said it wouldn't be fair if I had to support her. with her schooling being another 3 years it will be that long before

 

we will be together for good, I think she needs to grow up away from her parents. How should I bring it up that I can't do it all by myself? what does others think of my situation?

 

should I continue with this relationship? I have been involved in an earlier relationship where i was taken advantage of.

 

any advice I would really appreciate.

[Tony T]

You said she gets an attitude everytime you bring up money issues so there wouldn't be much point in discussing this issue with her.

 

First, it's really difficult to have any kind of relationship with someone you cannot communicate with. However, people who don't have money get really sensitive about having to depend on others and don't want to think about that. If she is operating on very tight finances and has no other assets other than those to pay for her next three years of education, you have no reason to bring this up. It is difficult for some people to work and attend college at the same time, although many do.

 

If she is in a tight financial situation, you can still love her and have a relationship and work around that. But trying to press her for money is not right. The two of you should NOT move in together if this will require a contribution of money from her which she does not have. The two of you should also not consider cohabitation if you will resent having to shell out the largest part of the funds. Don't get yourself in that situation either.

 

If you can't do it all by yourself, just tell her. If she can't handle that, that's is very much her problem, not yours. Now, if you ever decide you want to marry her or anybody else, you better get this financial stuff nailed down real fast. You also have to factor in the fact that wives have babies and for a period aren't able to work and contribute to household expenses.

 

You are the one who has to decide if you are being taken advantage of. And if you feel you are, you have to take responsibility for allowing that to happen. Nobody can be taken advantage of without their permission. If she has little money and you have voluntarily offered the help you have, I don't feel she is willfully taking advantage of you.

 

You spent the money for her trip to see you because you wanted her to come...and because she represented that she didn't have the money. You either have to trust her on that...or not. I've been broke lots of times so I would have a tendency to believe she didn't have the money.

 

Whether or not you continue this relationship is your business and your decision. In making that decision, consider all the facts and consider how you might work all this out to everyone's satisfaction. Since you are going to be near her anyhow going to school, I don't see any good reason why the two of you have to live together. She can visit you...and stay where she is.

 

On the other hand, if you're going to have a place of your own near her and be paying the rent, it's not going to cost much more to have her in the same space.

 

Good luck with this.

[Deejette]

It sounds like you have an underlying lack of respect for her mooching ways and this could present further problems down the line. Romance disappears very fast when one person is doing all the work to support the domestic unit.

 

I recently saw an example of a beautiful bride and groom, whose marriage is already almost on the rocks (after 5 months) because he has two jobs and she is a lady of leisure who seemingly can't find work. He recently told her that he thought he was falling out of love with her, because he is doing all the hard work and her glorious good looks and great personality is not paying the rent.

 

So, as Tony says, get these types of communication resolved early before they mushroom out of control.

You said she gets an attitude everytime you bring up money issues so there wouldn't be much point in discussing this issue with her. First, it's really difficult to have any kind of relationship with someone you cannot communicate with. However, people who don't have money get really sensitive about having to depend on others and don't want to think about that. If she is operating on very tight finances and has no other assets other than those to pay for her next three years of education, you have no reason to bring this up. It is difficult for some people to work and attend college at the same time, although many do. If she is in a tight financial situation, you can still love her and have a relationship and work around that. But trying to press her for money is not right. The two of you should NOT move in together if this will require a contribution of money from her which she does not have. The two of you should also not consider cohabitation if you will resent having to shell out the largest part of the funds. Don't get yourself in that situation either. If you can't do it all by yourself, just tell her. If she can't handle that, that's is very much her problem, not yours. Now, if you ever decide you want to marry her or anybody else, you better get this financial stuff nailed down real fast. You also have to factor in the fact that wives have babies and for a period aren't able to work and contribute to household expenses.

 

You are the one who has to decide if you are being taken advantage of. And if you feel you are, you have to take responsibility for allowing that to happen. Nobody can be taken advantage of without their permission. If she has little money and you have voluntarily offered the help you have, I don't feel she is willfully taking advantage of you. You spent the money for her trip to see you because you wanted her to come...and because she represented that she didn't have the money. You either have to trust her on that...or not. I've been broke lots of times so I would have a tendency to believe she didn't have the money. Whether or not you continue this relationship is your business and your decision. In making that decision, consider all the facts and consider how you might work all this out to everyone's satisfaction. Since you are going to be near her anyhow going to school, I don't see any good reason why the two of you have to live together. She can visit you...and stay where she is. On the other hand, if you're going to have a place of your own near her and be paying the rent, it's not going to cost much more to have her in the same space. Good luck with this.

[Laurynn]

Hello fellow Canadian! LOL

 

That was sweet of you to pay for her to come visit you (and live rent/cost free for 4 months)......but it sounds to me like she's taking you for granted. That's admirable that she's getting an education, but it shouldn't be at others' expense. She's not fresh out of highschool. She's living at home, and I'd imagine that's rent free...she probably doesn't pay room and board with Mommy and Daddy....doesn't have to help out with utilities and groceries, etc. (I get this impression from what you wrote). If she can't spend the year to put some money aside for when she comes to visit you, that's pathetic. So she has this low paying job....what does THAT money get used for? Fun stuff?

 

I would most definitely not ever consider living together (if you decide to move down there) until she's finished school and is on her own, working. *money* is one of the most common sources of discontent amongst couples.....

 

If she wants to come see you this summer, why can't she at least pay for half? Plus, those 4 months that she stayed with you.....seems to me she could have gotten a full time job for a month or two out of that...to make some money...THEN come to see you and spend the remaining 2 months. She sounds pretty spoiled to me.

 

Laurynn

[Markerman30]

Hi thanks for your comments.

 

she is spoiled, Her mom and dad help her out quite a bit. but when your 26 years old you have to start taking some responsibility university or no university. I e-mailed her today telling her how I feel and she reversed it on me. Asking me what I do with the money I make. My response to her was you never really know someones situation until you walk in there shoes. I do love her. I know she has some growing up to do. and I also have some issues to deal with from the past. I was taken advantage of really bad in a previous relationship so I am really casious. I just have been getting that little voice in my head telling to be be really careful I talked to her about the money for her to get up here in the summer she was going to ask me to put it on my visa and she would pay me back once she got working here. I think it all starts out at home with her. I can not be like her mom and dad and just hand every thing to her.

 

We have other issues to sort out as well, She doesn't like to cook, Its that she knows how but doesn't like to. I am a cook I cook all day at work. If I get off early I will cook for her and thought that taking turns and making it equal would only be fair. One part of me says to look after myself and break it off as we are at different levels mentally she is 5 years younger but has her parents doing everything for her. I was not brought up that way. And the other part of me loves her. seeing her how she will be in the future when she gets into the real world. I have put so much of myself into this relationship. but it only works 50- 50 right? any help or advice anyone could give me I would appreciate it. thanks Markerman30.

Hello fellow Canadian! LOL That was sweet of you to pay for her to come visit you (and live rent/cost free for 4 months)......but it sounds to me like she's taking you for granted. That's admirable that she's getting an education, but it shouldn't be at others' expense. She's not fresh out of highschool. She's living at home, and I'd imagine that's rent free...she probably doesn't pay room and board with Mommy and Daddy....doesn't have to help out with utilities and groceries, etc. (I get this impression from what you wrote). If she can't spend the year to put some money aside for when she comes to visit you, that's pathetic. So she has this low paying job....what does THAT money get used for? Fun stuff? I would most definitely not ever consider living together (if you decide to move down there) until she's finished school and is on her own, working. *money* is one of the most common sources of discontent amongst couples..... If she wants to come see you this summer, why can't she at least pay for half? Plus, those 4 months that she stayed with you.....seems to me she could have gotten a full time job for a month or two out of that...to make some money...THEN come to see you and spend the remaining 2 months. She sounds pretty spoiled to me. Laurynn