I am an OW, its over, I feel horrible

[HugeSigh]

I didn't expect to be here, in fact, I've judged people in this situation before but I will never do it again.

 

I have been "involved" with a married co-worker who works in a different office for approximately 5 months. Its a typical situation, started with innocent flirting, constant talking on the phone. One day I stupidly admitted to him that I had a crush on him. He said he felt the same way.

 

We used to talk several times a day but because we do not work in the same office, we do not see each other that often. We have, however, met in private places about 5 or 6 times and made out. He has touched my vagina 3 times. We have had oral sex once but there has never been any intercourse although we have discussed it. I would say that the longest period of time we have ever been alone together was for about an hour. Most of the "make out" sessions consist of 15 - 20 minutes at most. We are both convinced that we have something special and that we've both met each other at the wrong times in our lives. Of course this may sound stupid to people but we also realize that we cannot be together because of family and work obligations. And, I'm pretty sure he still loves his wife.

 

Two weeks ago, we happened to be in the same office and curiosity got the best of me and I ended up looking through his cell phone at the texts between him and his wife. I was utterly shocked, I had painted a fantasy in my head that they had an awful marriage and hated each other. This was clearly not the case from the text messages. The messages were actually quite endearing and one of the texts actually referred to them having sex just the night before. I am not stupid, I know he and his wife have sex, but I've always been under the impression that it was not that often anymore. Seeing the text messages made my behavior towards him go from happy to sad in 3 seconds. He recognized this but I refused to tell him what was wrong other than I was sorry that I got us into this mess.

 

The discovery shocked me back to my senses. How stupid can I be to think that he and his wife have a horrid relationship? Of course he is only going to tell me about the bad parts! Although he doesn't know what I saw, my crying shocked him to his senses as well. He claims it was a reality check. I have not spoken to him other than for work related matters. The conversations have been brief and courteous.

 

I am sad and upset because I never thought I would be the person to get themselves into a situation like this. I don't want to ruin his family, I don't want to ruin our jobs and I don't want him to leave his wife. On the other hand, I miss my friend, I miss our talks, I miss being there for him.

 

I guess this is all just venting. I know the haters will come on here and tell me how awful I am, yes, I already know, I feel it every day. How can I ever forgive myself for this?

 

How can I move on from someone that, if the circumstances were right, I would be with in a heart beat?

 

Thank you for reading.

[BetrayedH]

It's a choice. You decide that your integrity is worth more than what you'd be getting if you stayed in the affair. And most affairs have diminishing returns over time. It's already happening to you. Make a conscious choice and stick to it.

 

Having "no contact" is the most critical piece. From most of my reading, it takes about six months until you can confidently say you're past it. But every renewed contact can reset the clock. Alcoholics shouldn't be bartenders, know what I mean?

[Spark1111]

you just received an amazing piece of intimate information. He loves his wife and enjoys intimacy with her....

 

What does that make you and his relationship with you? are you a friend with benefits? Are you a temptation? Are you fun, exciting sex on the side?

 

Do NOT talk yourself out of what you know....otherwise this relationship could go on for YEARS, much to YOUR detriment as you fall deeper and harder.

 

GET OUT NOW.

[HugeSigh]

It's a choice. You decide that your integrity is worth more than what you'd be getting if you stayed in the affair. And most affairs have diminishing returns over time. It's already happening to you. Make a conscious choice and stick to it.

 

Having "no contact" is the most critical piece. From most of my reading, it takes about six months until you can confidently say you're past it. But every renewed contact can reset the clock. Alcoholics shouldn't be bartenders, know what I mean?

 

How does one have no contact when you work together? Do you mean keep it to work related discussions and "hi how are you" pleasantries?

[Artie Lang]

calling people who "call you out" on your sh-t haters is not very progressive.

 

so, you are ending it because of the message you read on his phone..... not because it's wrong. WOW!

 

i'm just waiting for the thread where he reels you back in, because as long as you work with him and pine for your "friend," this is nowhere near being over.

 

are you in a relationship?

Edited November 6, 2013 by Artie Lang

[HugeSigh]

Not even "hi". Definitely not "how are you" because you don't care how he is.

 

You said you don't work in the same office and hardly saw each other prior. Now, even if you see him you need to say nothing, not hello, go to hell, nothing.

 

Don't look or smile at him. Treat him like you never knew him. If it helps you, tell yourself he saw you as a wet hole to put himself in. That should put you right off him.

 

That is correct, we do not work in the same office, but we work on the same projects so are in contact multiple times a day.

[Spark1111]

How does one have no contact when you work together? Do you mean keep it to work related discussions and "hi how are you" pleasantries?

 

yes! And no!

 

Hi is okay. What's new for the project.....is okay.

 

How are you? NOT okay because it opens the door for how- shocker, I know-- how unhappy he is in his marriage; how they are no longer intimate and she doesn't appreciate him....sigh... busy later sweetheart?

 

CHOICE is YOUR'S.

[wanting more]

You got to see what a lot of OW never do. He loves his wife. he cares for her. They still have sex.

 

It's been 5 months. Move on. There's no need for "how are you?". You talk work. That's it. Nothing more.

 

If you go any further than strictly work talk, this will lead to more hurt than you can imagine.

 

Walk away now.

[HugeSigh]

yes! And no!

 

Hi is okay. What's new for the project.....is okay.

 

How are you? NOT okay because it opens the door for how- shocker, I know-- how unhappy he is in his marriage; how they are no longer intimate and she doesn't appreciate him....sigh... busy later sweetheart?

 

CHOICE is YOUR'S.

 

Thank you for your help! Just to paint a more muddled picture, he's never once told me that he is unhappy in his marriage or that they are no longer intimate. These are things I've come up with in my fantasy land. And there never has been "busy later sweetheart". Like I said, our alone time meetings are never for that long and 9x out of 10 consist of a make out session. We have never had intercourse.

 

You got to see what a lot of OW never do. He loves his wife. he cares for her. They still have sex.

 

It's been 5 months. Move on. There's no need for "how are you?". You talk work. That's it. Nothing more.

 

If you go any further than strictly work talk, this will lead to more hurt than you can imagine.

 

Walk away now.

 

I think most OW need to see what I saw.

[whichwayisup]

You need to kill the fantasy of who you built him up to be in your head. He isn't that guy. Crushes make people put blinders on and you only want to see the good stuff.

 

Well, as much as it hurt you certainly got a reality check. Better for you to find out now than a year or two from now when you'd be in much deeper.

 

You have knowledge, maturity and you have insight already - Meaning, you know he's exaggerated and omitted truths from you of what his marriage is really like. Of course he's going to paint himself in the best light possible.

 

Your MM is selfish and even if he does have some feelings for you, please do NOT mistake that for him 'falling in love' and wanting to start a new life with you.

 

Some men can just cheat and then go home and put it out of their heads completely.

[HugeSigh]

You need to kill the fantasy of who you built him up to be in your head. He isn't that guy. Crushes make people put blinders on and you only want to see the good stuff.

 

Well, as much as it hurt you certainly got a reality check. Better for you to find out now than a year or two from now when you'd be in much deeper.

 

You have knowledge, maturity and you have insight already - Meaning, you know he's exaggerated and omitted truths from you of what his marriage is really like. Of course he's going to paint himself in the best light possible.

 

Your MM is selfish and even if he does have some feelings for you, please do NOT mistake that for him 'falling in love' and wanting to start a new life with you.

 

Some men can just cheat and then go home and put it out of their heads completely.

 

Yes, you are right. I know he has feelings for me but his feelings for his wife and family outweigh that. I am not really sure what I expected out of this in the first place, I certainly didn't ever think he was going to leave his wife for me which makes me think how stupid I am for getting here in the first place.

 

 

This guy falls into the group of cheating married men I mention often - the ones who simply do it for the fun of it.

 

So many OW insist that there MUST be something missing in a MM's marriage or that he simplly MUST be deprived in some area of his marriage or he "wouldn't be out looking."

 

Not always true.

 

There are PLENTY of men who cheat solely for the excitement, the fun, the sport, the validation and the ego strokes - and for NO other reason. Alot of these guys are only as honest as their options.

 

He's just one of millions who do this for sport.

 

I have to disagree with you here. I don't think he is doing this for sport. While his marriage did hit a rough spot recently, it is not as rough as I thought or built it up in my mind to rationalize this whole thing.

 

I am grateful to the universe for showing me the text messages.

[HugeSigh]

I'd also like to clarify, because my title is misleading -- I don't feel horrible that it is over, in fact, I feel relieved. I feel horrible that it happened.

[BetrayedH]

How does one have no contact when you work together? Do you mean keep it to work related discussions and "hi how are you" pleasantries?

 

Lots of people change jobs. Perhaps you'll be able to manage without doing so.

 

It's all going to be about boundaries now. And I wouldn't trust that he'll be the responsible leader on them; you need to implement them for yourself (and yes, to the point where there is a difference between "Hi" and "How are you?"). No one-on-one time, no lunches, no attempt at being "friends," no personal discussions of any kind and you are the one who slams the door if it ever starts that way. You must steel your resolve. It's remarkable how many times affair partners "break-up" only to renew the affair because neither of them had the strength to keep no contact. Limited contact is flirting with disaster so you should assume that he will cave and so you cannot.

 

For what's it's worth, I like the tone of your most recent posts. This whole thing was a mistake and had no chance of going anywhere. In fact, it only gets much, much worse. Keep reminding yourself and keep using your head to make decisions.

[JamesM]

Not encouraging you, but have you actually heard it from him that the marriage is happy? Texts don't always say everything. Many are sent based on immediate emotions and not because the marriage is healthy.

 

While he may not do this for the sport of it, he did take advantage of your confession. He may or may not have had a crush on you, but when you told him about it, then he knew you were vulnerable to his advances. That is why they say, "Never tell someone that you have a crush on them."

 

Many people in your situation do return to each other. It will take some hefty boundary drawing to keep this from starting again. You both enjoyed it and got some benefit from it. Simply walking away from each other while still working together may work in the short term, but it still leaves the possibility in the future when these thoughts fade and the emotions take over.

[Charlie Harper]

Affairs are like motorcycles: if you are in one, either you have had an "accident" or you will be in one.

 

Live and LEARN.

 

And don't worry the pain will go away, in like 8 months of N.C.

[Spark1111]

he sounds immature in that as long as you do not proceed to intercourse, he can justify that he is not really having an affair with you...OR is still monogamous with the wife.

 

The fallacy of that thinking is that kissing, touching and oral is still devastating to the spouse.

 

if he thinks his wife will think him a better boy because of it, he is sadly, sadly mistaken.....

[Cali408]

Who Knows brings wisdom to this forum. OP, congratulations on getting out. You are smart. Don't beat yourself up over it. It was fun and exciting while it lasted. Live and learn.

[Oldspiceywolf]

You are already halfway there!

In relationships we often don't know the person we at getting to know better and we fill in the missing pieces with what we find ideal, the reason why hot and heavy relationship come crashing to a halt. You found the truth to the piece you filled in on your own and it's not anywhere close to what you expected, so now you are a little disgusted with yourself for getting your hopes up but you also miss the friendship that is probably built on some faulty assumptions.

 

If you find it hard in your workplace to see him or if he tries to reel you back in just be truthful, tell him you assumed he was unhappy in his marriage but you snooped and found it not to be the case but warn him that as much as you like him you go a little impulsive on relationships and that if you get involved with him any further you would be likely to to blow up his spot in a fit of impulsivity, so it's best just to focus on work and put your friendship behind you.

 

From my own perspective, I love my wife we are intimate often but she does drive me crazy and I fantasize about having this guys situation... Nothing too serious(In my head) just a little fun and excitement. It won't and can't happen because I don't want my child to hate me for being a dirtbag and I know how fast things get out of control but in a perfect dream world this is what I would desire(my life, my family, and a friendly make out buddy that goes a little too far a few times a year but a lot of texting laughing and sweet words). I'm not missing anything, I just want more for the sake of wanting more and I'm sure this is where this guys is.

 

Protect yourself, date a lot, make friends, have a life and don't practice deceit- an easy recipe for staying away from situations like this.

[blue963]

you are 80% of the way there. Congratulations. Keep going to be free.

[Realist3]

Not encouraging you, but have you actually heard it from him that the marriage is happy? Texts don't always say everything. Many are sent based on immediate emotions and not because the marriage is healthy.

 

 

There is actually a whole lot of truth to this. The MM doesn't want to make his wife suspicious so he will try to throw her off any trail by being loving in texts, having sex, etc.. It in no way means they have some great marriage.

 

I'm not saying you should not have ended it, but what you read was probably nothing more than a charade.

[wannabdone]

I'm sorry for the way you are feeling. I think you will find that a lot of people on here NEVER thought they would be in these situations. That they once judged other for this. I remember saying years ago when I found out a family members husband was cheating on her "why do people just not be single, if they want to be single". Oh boy, what I have learned that life isn't so black and white.

 

I agree with another poster, I have to say "congratulations", to some point. Because you got a glimpse into what so many OW and OM don't get to see, the inter workings of the AP's M. That things aren't always so awful as they say, or even as awful as we have created in our own heads. Its amazing how people can do this, I have to think it has to be some kind of coping mechanism, we create the AP's M to be horrid, and THAT is the reason why its somewhat "okay".

 

You were blessed with this information. I have to think that it wasn't curiosity getting the best of you, or more so you being a smart woman who followed a gut instinct to look. Something was telling you down deep that things were "off", and you took the measures to look at this.

 

I think the only thing you can do now, is just say 'we live and we learn". still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, that there wasn't some kind of void that he was filling in your life. And now that the filler is over, it hurts. I think you need to look at it and see if it isn't that void that you loved and now miss, and not really him.

 

The positive from this? You now know what it is that you are obviously missing in your life. That void he filled, you now know what it is you need. So whether your in a relationship now (didn't remember seeing that), or single and can go on to date, try and make your current relationship or future relationships hold that component that you have realized you now need. Also, a HUGE positive, you are becoming a better person... falling isn't a bad thing, we learn from falling (mistakes), we become more understanding and nonjudgmental from our falls. And quite frankly, these two things are nothing but great things for you.

 

Forgive yourself, love yourself. We ALL as humans make mistakes, do things we shouldn't, etc. You have to know you are human, just like everyone else, and we as humans do some really stupid things. Just take the opportunities from the stupid things, to learn and improve yourself.

 

I know there are tons of feelings that come along with these relationships.... missing, wanting, loving, hating, feeling stupid (that was a really hard one for me). Its okay, some times we don't always make the best decisions, and sometimes our judgments are clouded. Again, your human.

 

I agree with everyone else, little communication is the best. I wouldn't even go out of my way to say hello, unless there were others around and not addressing him would be weird in front of co-workers. When you do see him and think about saying hello, just remember what you saw in his phone, and what you two have shared together, and a line has already been crossed, so best to just say as little and make as little contact as possible.

 

Be strong!!!

[imfine]

Oh girl you are soooo lucky! You got the truth about the marriage. You found out that despite his affectionate relationship with his BS, he's willing to mess around with a co-worker. His BS thinks life is grand, they are getting busy, sending hot/sweet/loving texts and she has no clue. What a doosh! You are the lucky one.

 

Never, ever, ever tell a committed man you have a crush on him. Never, ever, ever spend time alone with a committed man. Never, ever, ever talk deep, personal stuff with a committed man. Never, ever, ever let a committed man kiss you or touch you. Not talking down to you at all, but some of those things seem innocent, minus the last. Anytime you do any of those things you put yourself in the position to start an affair. I think most of us at some point has crossed at least one of those boundaries innocently. Now you know what can happen. Keep on moving forward without your 'friend'. It may not seem like it now, but you won't be missing much. Friends don't use you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

And if what James and Realist3 said is true...its not any better. You now know that you are involved with someone who will play games, toy with emotions, wear masks, manipulate, placate another person....he could be doing the same thing with you as we speak...

 

Because he has PROVEN that his words mean absolutely nothing.

 

Not a good character trait at all.