VivianLee Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 EWWWWW.....I had that feeling that I've heard single, separated or divorce people feel...It didn't feel good at all... I'd gotten all dressed up to attend a friend of mine from the church's (the church I don't attend anymore but hubby is the minister of) daughter's dance recital....I sat by myself (no biggie), my best friends were across the way (I haven't seen them since we separated almost a month ago) but they were gone by the time I made my way to my friend and her daughter. My friends parent's that attend the church seemed a little uncomfortable to see me. I understand but it sure makes me sad.... After the program was over, I was all dressed up with no where to go. I wanted to go out to eat, my parent's were gone, my friends aren't available to me anymore and my cousins were busy with their families.... This is what it's like to be separated...it sucked....I missed being a couple.....I miss my husband, I missed my daughter...I have no idea what my future holds, we are to talk soon.... I know I brought this on myself....I need to suck it up and live with it but dang, I sure hated that feeling...maybe it will help me to remember not to screw up like that ever again.... I just feel kinda isolated from my life I had before and I feel rejected and a bit unloved...I'm just having a hard time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Perfection Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Sorry for asking this in here but... Why did you cheat? I would really like to know the reason behind the affair. Did the other guy make you FEEL better? Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 I am all too familiar with that feeling......it's like an emptiness....a sudden wave of sadness that washes over you, a feeling of "this can't be my life, what the hell happened, am I having a horrible dream?" Those are the nights I cry myself to sleep....oh, wait....that's every night....... All I can hope for is to just one day feel numb. I would rather have no emotions ever again than the ones I have now. I wonder if they will ever change or go away. I guess all we can do is forge on, know that we are not the only ones, and try to make the best of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 I really and truly feel for you Viv. I'm sorry that things haven't gone any better. Have you two talked at all since the seperation? Has your daughter taken things better now? Keep in touch friend. Drop a PM if you like as well. I'm doing ok in my situation...still got bumps...we'll work em out hopefully. Hang in there, and keep praying! Link to post Share on other sites
Saving Grace Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee I know I brought this on myself....I need to suck it up and live with it but dang, I sure hated that feeling...maybe it will help me to remember not to screw up like that ever again.... I just feel kinda isolated from my life I had before and I feel rejected and a bit unloved...I'm just having a hard time.... Originally posted by Patiently waiting I am all too familiar with that feeling......it's like an emptiness....a sudden wave of sadness that washes over you, a feeling of "this can't be my life, what the hell happened, am I having a horrible dream?" Those are the nights I cry myself to sleep....oh, wait....that's every night....... All I can hope for is to just one day feel numb. I would rather have no emotions ever again than the ones I have now. I wonder if they will ever change or go away. I guess all we can do is forge on, know that we are not the only ones, and try to make the best of it. You both took the words right out of my mouth. It's as if someone was sitting on my chest today taking away my breath. I couldn't believe that this happened to me so close to Christmas. My H filed for papers early December but has been contemplating for a very long time, he says. I start individual counseling this next week. I am actually looking forward to it, I know I need it. It's just nice to know that there are people out there that make the same decisions I do or that they are feeling the same way I do. talking like this has made me feel as though I am not alone.... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Saving...question I meant to ask you, but forgot to do so. Did you finally decide (and tell) your husband that you were now REALLY willing to work on your marriage before or after he posted the divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
suzyq Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling down, Vivian. It's hard enough to deal with the issues that cause a marriage to erode, without having to deal with judgmental people's need to assert their 'moral superiority' at your expense. Remember that whatever happened is for you, your husband and your Higher Power to deal with. Only God has the right to judge, imho, but I like to think that S/He forgives every One, because there is nothing so terrible that we can do to cause us to be 'cast out'. Only humans cruelly do that with their incessant need to judge, in order to avoid looking at their own emotional garbage. Everything happens for a reason, whether we understand it or not. I can relate to being persecuted and judged by others who believe that it is their godgiven right to judge - it hurts alot regardless of their reasons, especially when you find yourself emotionally abandoned and walking alone. I'm reading an excellent book that I signed out from the library called, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams by Debbie Ford. It's all about doing our 'shadow work' so we can truly come to own and accept, without judgment, what is ours and leave others' judgmental crap for themselves. I appreciate your sharings and the grace that you're handling such a painful situation with. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{VIVIAN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Hey Hon, Dona kay missa chickapea! Alright All you saddies in here, get your buns up to Chicago!!! My wife is leaving in TWO DAYS!!!! I wanna get drunk and hangout with the cool folks of the shack. Viv I might damn well swing on down your way! I'll PM ya! MA Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 How are ya Viv? Was Christmas nice for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 Hey LadyJane! Christmas sucked big time, in fact Monday sucked and so did yesterday. I've had a string of terrible events with the last being Tuesday when my Daddy accidentally backed into my car!! But, I am healthy so is my daughter so I am blessed plus if these are the worse things that ever happened to me, then I'm very blessed!! I'm in a terrible dilemma that requires my coming into ALOT of cash but surely there will be a way....I'm looking desperately for a job and have alot of prospects that I should hear from soon (after the New Year)....it looks like I will be looking for a place of my own after I get employment..... I hope you and yours (and my other buddies on LS had a wonderful Holiday!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Well, I'm sorry Christmas didn't go better for you. But you do have a way of finding the silver lining in every cloud. Lovely character-trait, that! Good luck on those job prospects. We'll keep our fingers crossed for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Well, I'm sorry Christmas didn't go better for you. But you do have a way of finding the silver lining in every cloud. Lovely character-trait, that! Good luck on those job prospects. We'll keep our fingers crossed for you. Thank you sweetie!! Yeah keep those fingers crossed!! I'll try and keep you updated!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunslinger360 Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 {hugs Viv} I don't know the circumstances of your separation, but I can certainly sympathize with the lonely, sad feelings. I hope New Years is better than your Xmas seemed to be. :-) Go look for a good time, don't stand in the shadows watching everyone else party it up. Link to post Share on other sites
debilou Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 If it's any help I'm having a horrible time! I'm so in limbo I feel empty! My husband moved out on his 40th birthday, in October. I feel lost! We're in counseling. The counselor says my husband is fragile right now and that I have to support him, see his side of things, etc. He doesn't admit to there being someone else and there hasn't been any evidence of one so I just have to keep up the vigil that's killing me. My family thinks I'm in denial and nuts for not filing for divorce. I don't know what to do. This web site has helped me a lot. Thanks for everyone's story. Link to post Share on other sites
renezfd Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Howdy. My wife of ten years and I separated a month ago. To top it off, with the whole holiday season thing, our 11th wedding anniversary is today-Jan 1st. Anyways, I've come to look at being alone as a time for solitude. I've learned I'm not the only person that has ever endured this. After all she's going through it as well. You are not alone. We do talk, but not to reconcile; we have two little kids(6 and 7). We both want to make this as easy as we can for them to transition into this. My heart is with you. I have lots of friends that have been supportive, but when I can't get help there, I've been looking here and on other message boards. It's good to connect. God bless you, Rene' Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Thanks for the hug and encouragement Gunslinger!! I've realized that I'm going to have to start making new friends. I've already made a friend with one young lady that lives about 45 miles from me. She and I talked our way through the New Year. She was alone too. I'm finding more and more people that are in a similar situation and the support is needed and awesome. But still, even still, with all my heart, I wish he'd just call me and tell me to come home, he loves me and all is forgiven. I'm still that pathetic about him and my life.... I've gone from being okay to the fact it's more than likely over and that I am on my own for the first time in my life...I even tried to look at it like I was embarking on an exciting new experience but then some things have come up financially that is going to set back any plans of independence plus I'm so hurt because my husband has been the cause of one of my problems and if things don't get straightened out, I could get in serious trouble. I know he or my daughter may read this so I won't say much about it so they won't get mad at me for discussing things to strangers...LOL.... Y'all I need a break.....somewhere.....I was wrong but I'm trying so hard to make things right and more and more things just keep falling on me. I don't think my husband wants to get back with me and after some hurtful events I wonder if I should. A person can take only so much rejection and feeling like an unwanted guest in their own home, that is what hurts so much, my place of refuge is no longer a refuge when he's here because I can tell he's miserable to be around me. I guess right now I just feel sooooo low and sooo hurt.....I wish I'd stayed strong and just hadn't talked to that OM...he's "scott free" living with his wife and not even touched....I'm telling y'all, infidelity isn't worth it whether it's sexual or emotional.... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 But still, even still, with all my heart, I wish he'd just call me and tell me to come home, he loves me and all is forgiven. Have you played this scenario out in your mind? If you could work your way back, would the problems you had before be fixed at all? Is going back really what you want, or do you just want to be off the hook for the blame you've taken on? And is it just the uncertain future you would be avoiding? Are you wanting to go back to what was comfortable and sure? Just some thoughts/questions I have based on my own experience. I've wanted to go back to broken relationships. Mostly because I couldn't make myself remember what was wrong with them. Compared to the pain I felt, those problems were nothing. And also because I would be able to absolve myself of the disproportionate amount of blame I had assumed for the failure. Not to mention I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself that I could make my future into something any better than what I had before. I was wrong. For me, going back would have brought the problems back to life. I still think you should be pissed about the treatment you're getting. If someone else were being treated like that you would advise them to look forward. You would tell them they don't deserve it and that if that's all the better he can do, they should be glad to find out now. You should give yourself that advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 I was very pissed but from Christmas on, I've been beat down because of all these financial and legal problems....I am headed into a mess that isn't entirely my fault, some aren't my fault! I feel like I'm damaged goods heading out into a the world....and that with all these new problems, it is going to set back my becoming independent.... My parent's are so good to me but when they help, they control. That's one thing my husband helped me get over was the fact that if I didn't agree with them, it didn't mean I was wrong. Now I'm back to being the same person I was as a teen, letting them control me and letting them make me feel bad.... They have been so there for me emotionally and financially, so I feel obligated to let them control.....I was just sitting in my room being myself and my Mama got all angry because I didn't act upset about one of the current situations I was in. I am very upset, I've lost 25lbs, I can't sleep or eat and my hair is falling out but I just don't go around obsessing, I process and get quiet. I'm losing any progress I made when I left them 19 years ago and just when I've been having all these interviews and possibly getting a job and independence...all this crap hits me in the butt....for some reason my usual optimism is not coming around..... I truly miss my husband....good or bad...happy or sad...mean or sweet....he was my best friend and I miss having a relationship with him. He touched my arm Friday in a way of comfort and I just flat out melted.... I'm just having a very low moment.....maybe I can get a grip soon.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by VivianLee EWWWWW.....I had that feeling that I've heard single, separated or divorce people feel...It didn't feel good at all... I'd gotten all dressed up to attend a friend of mine from the church's (the church I don't attend anymore but hubby is the minister of) daughter's dance recital....I sat by myself (no biggie), my best friends were across the way (I haven't seen them since we separated almost a month ago) but they were gone by the time I made my way to my friend and her daughter. My friends parent's that attend the church seemed a little uncomfortable to see me. I understand but it sure makes me sad.... After the program was over, I was all dressed up with no where to go. I wanted to go out to eat, my parent's were gone, my friends aren't available to me anymore and my cousins were busy with their families.... This is what it's like to be separated...it sucked....I missed being a couple.....I miss my husband, I missed my daughter...I have no idea what my future holds, we are to talk soon.... I know I brought this on myself....I need to suck it up and live with it but dang, I sure hated that feeling...maybe it will help me to remember not to screw up like that ever again.... I just feel kinda isolated from my life I had before and I feel rejected and a bit unloved...I'm just having a hard time.... I understand your feelings of loneliness Vivian but I absolutely cannot stand your "poor, poor pitiful me I've f*cked up" attitude. Part of sucking it up is acknowledging your mistakes and MOVING ON. Which means you stop referencing them every time you feel like poop. Your husband pre empted this marriage failure, and don't you flipping forget it. Don't let anyone else forget it either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 And I STILL don't quite get it as to why you're OK with him being angry at YOUR affair yet yourself think he's the best thing since sliced bread. Which he's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 I don't think he's the best thing to sliced bread....I'm just down and lonely and if I could inject instant "have a spine" I would...I'm just a little beaten down and having a very, very hard time looking up! I hate feeling this way and I didn't ask to feel this way but I am....and am trying freaking hard to get out of it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I've been trying to TELL you that Viv...you want instant spine? You want to hold your head up high? You want to snap out of it? Then stick up for yourself TO yourself. When you start to sink down into "I'm a terrible person for my mistakes" load of crap TELL yourself "hey, I didn't start this fire-yes I've done wrong but I'm NOT the only one, and I'm NOT a flipping bad person" Stop waiting for something or someone else to make you feel better, because it's not going to happen. Only you can do that. Please repeat after me "I AM A F*CKING GREAT PERSON. ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO BE GRACED WITH MY PRESENCE" then, to yourself "Yes, I f*cked someone else. But you did too" when you think about your husband. OK? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Also, don't add to your problem by feeling bad for feeling bad. These things take time to work out. Spock is right, but you may not get to where she's saying you need to go for a while. Work it out as well as you can and expect to feel like this sometimes. Maybe something someone has written will help you get there faster than you would have otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Thanks Spock....I was doing so good and I'll get there again....I just got so beat down this weekend and week PLUS we had to move things out of another home we owned so it can be sold so I had to go through all our things.... Cards we'd given each other back during a time it seemed things were fine...I even found the slip from the doctor saying I was pregnant...the nostalgia got me good! Hit me in the spine and stomach.....almost 20 years of us....OUCH!! Link to post Share on other sites
debilou Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I feel ya! 18 years married, 22 together. What now? If you're not in counseling~get there. It helps. Read every book you can get your hands on. I suggest: The Road Less Traveled (Scott Peck), Soul Stories (Gary Zucav). Go to the library it's free! Link to post Share on other sites
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